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One good turn....
Posted: 22 July 2010
Word Count: 136
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Sunlight pierced the shifting branches bordering the clearing, forming shimmering pin-pricks of gold on her sleek brown fur. Yellow eyes fixed on him impassively, her soft, leather-like nose twitching gently, she inhaled his scent. Helpless on the forest floor, his leg broken and bleeding in the jaws of the trap destined for her, he jolted suddenly from his fevered dream.
He watched her shambling slowly towards him, her head swinging. Their eyes remained locked. A foot away from him, she paused, extended her neck and cautiously sniffed his cheek. Stepping back, and rising on her back legs, she roared, a crescendo of sound ending in a snarl.
Alerted, the hunters approached, shouting excitedly, anticipating a kill. The sweet prospect of discovery and survival flickered.
She trundled away through the forest to safety, looking back only once.
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Comments by other Members
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 tusker at 16:04 on 22 July 2010
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This is lovely, Sandra.
A great sense of place and colour.
Loved: forming shimmering pin-pricks of gold on her sleek brown fur.
The hunter saved by his potential victim, a bear.
Jennifer
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Findy at 16:43 on 23 July 2010
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Hi Sandra
I loved this, the descriptions are great, beautiful ending.
Lovely story 
findy
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 GaiusCoffey at 19:04 on 25 July 2010
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Loved this one.
Had to read it a few times to be sure, but it keeps growing. I have to agree with Jennifer though, surely with fur that colour and the roar, she must be a lionness and not a bear? Great characterisation.
Marvlious,
G
<Added>
For agree, I of course meant disagree. :$
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woodsville at 20:26 on 25 July 2010
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Hi Dessy
I found that the first sentence ought to terminate at the first punctuation mark and not introduce any other detail or ideas. (Less is more) If he's in pain etc and she is in a high state of panic do you need to stretch the tone.
I don't think the passive words impassively, soft, gently really fit in this context.
Again 1st sentence of second para. seems to contradict idea of caution.
"Trundled" when movement is of the essence?
My review is not good for the ego - sorry.
Patrick
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 Desormais at 21:41 on 25 July 2010
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Thank you Gaius. I researched bears and in particular brown bears on the internet, so I'm happy about that aspect. For some reason, I couldn't download bear roaring noises (my audio set up I think) but I found a description indicating that they produce a roar that can end up in a snarl. But a lion might have been a better idea.... though whilst I can conceive of a bear perhaps walking away from a kill it might be a bridge too far for a lion....
Thank you Jenzarina.
Thank you too Patrick. I had some reservations after submitting it about one or two of the points you mention.
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