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Targus Major

by BobCurby 

Posted: 29 June 2010
Word Count: 499
Summary: Space fiction/science fiction


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Targus Major
Targus Major was a battle-scarred shabby space docking platform; years of coming and going had taken their toll. The main dock doors hung on hinges bent by constant mis-calculations of hasty pilots. Shabby as it was, it gave safe harbour to the ships from Altus and Grogych on the way through the hostile Rikor galaxy to distant Solar 12. Protected by a fully automated weapon system, the ships and their crew enjoyed safe haven.
A small ship slipped quietly into the inner harbour and lay at rest against the main supply pier. No-one had disembarked, nothing had been loaded for transit. It just sat there, silent and un-inviting, ignored by the platform workers and crew. Charlie Fergusson, however, was not quite so complacent. He beamed the main scanners at the craft but it had some kind of blocking force field, he saw nothing and assumed the ship was an unmanned robotics vessel. How wrong could he be? Very wrong, for as the scanner rays flooded the basin, small creatures scurried back and forth inside the craft.
There is no night and day that deep into space, so people sleep when they feel tired, and awaken when they’ve had enough sleep. However, there has to be some structure to life on a space dock, so the day was made up of time periods which enabled them to decide when to sleep. It was half way through the night ‘unit’ and everyone but Charlie and his fellow technician Xyloxthy, a Mindotaran from the Vijban quadrant, were sound asleep in the bunk houses. As the blue flood lights were dimmed to simulate night, Charlie thought his eyes were playing tricks when he peered out toward the small craft. He switched on a white spot light, turned it towards the vessel and involuntarily jumped at the sight of a huge bud protruding from the upper deck.
“Xoth – what the fuck’s that?”
“Looks like a big flower.”
“Fuck me, a flower, in space.”
The bud opened and a swirl of petals spread out with stamens springing up in the centre, It moved gently and then, as quick as it opened, it withered and died. The petals fell to the deck and a large pod swelled rapidly and then burst. The two men rushed outside in time to see black ovate cylinders as big as a man’s head fall all over the platform. They fell close to the two men; like black rugby balls bouncing on steel decks.
“Seeds!” Xyloxthy scooped one up.
“Fucking seeds!” Charlie laughed as he held one up to the light, “I wonder if they’re edible…..”
His voice trailed off as he saw the seed in his mate’s hand split open and a small green creature plant itself firmly on his head, sucking out his brain. He turned to throw his seed aside when it burst too. The last thing he saw were the hundreds of creatures swarming towards the bunk houses, then he saw nothing, ever again.






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 10:17 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
This a great, Steve.

I felt I was there. This flash is well up on the sci/fi books I love to read. Visual and a good sense of place.

Jennifer

Jubbly at 10:37 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
Eek,now I sure there's a message of warning there somewhere. Great vivid writing enjoyed the spacey names too.

J

Elbowsnitch at 11:13 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Steve - a very enjoyable read, I love the big flower and the names, e.g. "Xyloxthy, a Mindotaran from the Vijban quadrant". And the years of miscalculations taking their toll on the docking platform!

Would suggest making the first para into 2 paragraphs, starting the second one at "A small ship slipped quietly..."

Frances

BobCurby at 17:54 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks everyone for the comments - Frances - I cut the para - also amended the sentence where he turned the spotlight on, it think it flows better now.

I love Sci-fi - must do more!

Steve

Bunbry at 13:09 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Steve, I love the idea of this but think you have started the story in the wrong place. You stopped just as the story was getting going!

Star Trek would have used the dangerous seed bit in the first few mins, then had all the hocum of getting rid of them!

In that way you could give the crew difficult problems to solve (remember Alien and the Acid blood and the morphing ailen) and then have a really gripping climax where they kill the beastie or everyone dies (Star trek now have a third option - make friends with it!)

Hope that helps.

Nick





V`yonne at 18:10 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Nice. Micro Horror.

BobCurby at 22:29 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks everyone.
Nick - oh yes - I could see that, Star Trek, Blakes Seven, Space 1999 - I could have written it that way.

However, I wanted to build an image of serenity, safety and security in spite of the ultimate hostilities of space, only to have it shattered because the automatic systems didn't see the ship as a threat, and they all died as a result. I didn't want them to survive - or perhaps one might have, and got away, fled to tell others about the infestation.... it's up to the imagination...



Cholero at 09:47 on 03 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Bob

There's lots to like in this - especially the pace, which rolls along with a great feeling of enjoyment for this reader, as if the writer is really getting a kick out of it too. Which is a great effect.

Loved the small space-ship slipping silently into the dock - sinister and atmospheric.

The names and geography are convincing, which is hard to do right.

I like the dialogue - it's vigorous and it really shoves the story along, flips it sharply into living 3D.

The description of the bud flowering and dying and yielding the seeds is great.

Got a few picks and crits, but these are just one person's view: ie ignore them at will!!!

-Thought maybe it’s not great to start with quite dense descriptive back-story, as this doesn’t grab as much as a tantalising piece of action or a character intro… could it maybe start with the suspicious little ship slipping in, and then go to description/history of Targus, then pick up story again??

-you use ‘shabby’ twice quite close together, which jars. Could you lose the 1st one and speed the piece a bit by doing so?

-
Charlie Fergusson, however, was not quite so complacent. He beamed the main scanners at the craft but it had some kind of blocking force field, he saw nothing and assumed the ship was an unmanned robotics vessel. How wrong could he be? Very wrong, for as the scanner rays flooded the basin, small creatures scurried back and forth inside the craft.
–I felt this as quite a lurch POV-wise, from right inside MC’s head to omniscient, rhetorically-questioning narrator without so much as a by-your-leave. Needs sorting out I think, cos I lost faith a bit in the writing here for that reason.

-do you need this?:
There is no night and day that deep into space, so people sleep when they feel tired, and awaken when they’ve had enough sleep. However, there has to be some structure to life on a space dock, so the day was made up of time periods which enabled them to decide when to sleep.
I think you can just cut it, any half-way intelligent reader will get the whole of that just from the phrase 'night-unit'. It sounds like study-notes compared to the rest of the great, rolling narrative.

The ending is abrupt and sounds like you just wanted to end it quickly – it cries out for a horror climax of what happens to MC when the seed gets him, in full MC 3D POV please. Let’s face it, you can do it, look:
“Xoth – what the fuck’s that?”
“Looks like a big flower.”
“Fuck me, a flower, in space.”
The bud opened and a swirl of petals spread out with stamens springing up in the centre, It moved gently and then, as quick as it opened, it withered and died. The petals fell to the deck and a large pod swelled rapidly and then burst. The two men rushed outside in time to see black ovate cylinders as big as a man’s head fall all over the platform. They fell close to the two men; like black rugby balls bouncing on steel decks.
“Seeds!” Xyloxthy scooped one up.
“Fucking seeds!” Charlie laughed as he held one up to the light, “I wonder if they’re edible…..”
His voice trailed off as he saw the seed in his mate’s hand split open and a small green creature plant itself firmly on his head, sucking out his brain.!


-generally I feel you could lose about 10-12 adjectives and adverbs over the whole piece and thereby sharpen the pace and focus the whole feel of the writing. But that really is a personal taste thing.

Here's my favourite line:
like black rugby balls bouncing on steel decks
-very, very nice indeed.

All very best to you Bob,

Pete


<Added>

Maybe double-space paras?

crowspark at 12:51 on 04 July 2010  Report this post
An enjoyable piece of SciFi, Steve. The opening made me want to read more and I enjoyed the ending.

I wondered about the section that started
There is no night and day that deep into space

I think you can safely trim back this section dealing with sleep which felt like a bit of an interruption to the story.

Thanks for the read.

Bill

BobCurby at 21:09 on 04 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Bill, your comments are appreciated.
Congrats on winning the challenge this week.




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