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We`re Back

by Jubbly 

Posted: 28 June 2010
Word Count: 500
Summary: A re working of an oldie for the 312 seed challenge.

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The children sat huddled together on the sofa while their father did his utmost to make amends.
“Would you like some pie? I know it’s your favourite or what about a nice glass of lemonade, really you can have anything you want?” he pleaded.
But they weren’t going to give in that easily.
His daughter shook her head then stared straight at him, her eyes were filled with sadness but there was something missing too, respect, that was it she no longer respected him.
His son looked down at the floor, unable to meet his gaze.
“Perhaps, we could go out, would you like that? Go to the park and play ball?”
The boy shrugged, his terrible ordeal had taken its toll and even though he yearned to be wrapped in his father’s big strong daddy arms and forget all about what had happened, he knew he couldn’t. His sister kicked him hard in the leg just as a reminder.
“Look, please, I’ve said I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do, I was wrong, but you have to understand it was her, your step mother, she was so controlling she had this power over me, I’m so so sorry…
With that he broke down and wept. His daughter seemed to take pity; she walked toward him and gently placed her hand on his head then without warning slapped him hard across the face.
Her little voice grew stronger with every accusation.

“You loved her more than us, you took her side every time, you didn’t care what happened to us did you did you?” she screamed into his blubbing face.
Her brother was at her side now, his father’s terrible betrayal had rendered his eyes dull as though the soul had vanished leaving an empty shell of a child in its place.
“You have no idea of what we had to endure...
“Please darling.” He reached for her.
“Even now, after all we’ve been through, you’re not really sure we’re telling the truth, are you...are you?”
She was screaming now and he bowed his head in shame.
“I was bewitched by the bitch, but she’s gone now, and she won’t ever be coming back.”
“And you believe us?”
He nodded, then met their eyes and stared right into their souls.
“Yes, I do.” He said,
Only then did the girl relent, calmness returned to her face and she nodded.
“Good, then go and bury her deep in the earth and we’ll keep this our little secret, understood?”
Her father took up his shovel and went out back and only then did Gretel relax and laugh.
“From now on we can go to bed whatever damn time we like, here have a beer.”
She passed him a can of lager and lit a cigarette without offering it; he was only nine after all.
Her brother Hansel allowed himself to smile; sometimes he wondered what he’d do without his brave sister and secretly hoped she’d be there for him forever.

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Comments by other Members

Riff Raff at 21:19 on 29 June 2010  Report this post
I had the delicious anticipation of something nasty happening but still wasn't prepared for the children being Hanzel and Gretel. Quite shocking and enjoyable.

[quote]“From now on we can go to bed whatever damn time we like, here have a beer.”[quote/]
Ha. Loved the dry humour and unexpectedness of this.

Most excellent.

crowspark at 12:55 on 30 June 2010  Report this post
Fabulous! You expertly lured me in with powerful dialogue and emotional tugs. Brilliant twist.

Thanks for the read.


tusker at 10:23 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
Excellent, Julie.

A dark future ahead waits for them all. Two serial killers in the making.


Elbowsnitch at 11:19 on 01 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Julie - these traumatised fairytale children are quite scary, too! I feel you've tapped into the darkness in the original tale, and then some... children who can never be children again...

I was particularly struck by
“Even now, after all we’ve been through, you’re not really sure we’re telling the truth, are you...are you?”

A clever, startling and original flash.


Bunbry at 12:54 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Julie, I love to write 'twist in the tale' stuff, but have recently been rethinking how I do this.

This is partly due to these Smokelong Quarterly guidelines that Bill found for me.

narratives that strive toward something other than a final punch line or twist

Personally I think the twist stories that work best are those where the reader can look back and go "Doh! I should have seen that coming!" and I didn't get that with this.

Sorry to not be more possitive.


Jubbly at 13:30 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks for your comments everyone. Nick I wasn't going for a twist in the tale more of another take on a well known tale, ideally I want the reader to get the hint a few lines in but thanks for reading.


V`yonne at 18:08 on 02 July 2010  Report this post
Very nicely executed twist, Julie.

Cholero at 06:20 on 06 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Julie

This worked for me! Thought the name revelation was plenty twist enough.

V enjoyable.


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