X`tabay
Posted: 28 June 2010
Word Count: 164
Summary: According to Mestizo legend, X'Tabay is a beautiful, blonde-haired spirit who emerges from the jungle at night, luring men away to their deaths.
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She comes in the night when the house is sleeping and reaches my window without raising dogs. Her fingernails strum on the gauze of the window; there is a wild-haired Medusa in the paneless frame.
The candlelight sends geckos scuttling, and Javier is there at the door, easing the bolt already. I tell him it is I who should go and he lets me.
Her eyes are raw from so much crying, her hair enflamed by the humid night. Side by side we sit by the shit pit, and she tells me again about her loathing and fear, about nightmares in the daytime and the Larium frenzy of night. She’s been here way too long.
She asks me if she can lie with me - please just hold me, only for a little while - but I resist her pleas and lead her back.
The moon is gibbous as we cross the Northern Highway. We walk in silence, in fear of revealing our truths.
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Comments by other Members
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 Becca at 13:08 on 28 June 2010
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Hi Hal,
I really liked this piece. The only thing I wasn't sure about was the very last phrase '...in fear of revealing our truths.' It seemed to contradict her trust in him earlier.
I think you've got a good feeling for flash fiction.
Becca.
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Becca at 13:30 on 28 June 2010
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By the way, I just read your short story 'You're Dead.' I don't know how I missed that from three years back. I didn't leave a comment on it, but the tone felt authentic and it was consistent, and the writing very clear.
Becca.
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 Hal Incadenza at 13:47 on 28 June 2010
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Thanks Becca, for your comments on this new piece and on 'You're Dead', which is my only real publishing success to date. A much-improved version was published in Pen Pusher and on BBC Radio 4 as part of their 'Ones to Watch' series.
For several reasons I haven't written a great deal in the last couple of years, so it's nice to be writing, even if it is only very short stories at the moment.
I think you're right about the last sentence here too - it doesn't quite fit.
Once again I'm impressed by how helpful the feedback is. Thank you.
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 Cornelia at 18:04 on 28 June 2010
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I found this very intriguing, and wanted to know more about the situation.
The bit I found jarring was 'shit pit', because it didn't seem to fit with the ethereal tone and the classical allusion to Medusa.
I was also hampered by not knowing the meaning of Larium and gibbous. Otherwise, very atmospheric reminding me of a famous poem about staring eyes and floating hair.
Sheila
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Hal Incadenza at 18:10 on 28 June 2010
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'shit pit' is local vernacular which I'd hate to lose since I feel the use here is authentic, so it's a shame that you felt it jars. Will have to rethink it...
Pray tell (and forgive my ignorance) what is the poem?
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Becca at 08:14 on 29 June 2010
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Hi Hal,
I did think about your inclusion of Larium, but only because it's something only a traveller might have to come across - and suffer, and I wondered if it wouldn't be known about widely enough to merit its use in such a short story where you can't really describe what it can do. Then I thought it was so central to the woman or girl's experience, that it should stay. Connecting the Larium haunted girl and the mythical woman is inspired.
Becca.
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Hal Incadenza at 08:35 on 29 June 2010
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| Connecting the Larium haunted girl and the mythical woman is inspired. |
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I'm so pleased that this came across as intended.
Thank you once again, Becca
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Cornelia at 09:40 on 29 June 2010
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I am not sympathetic to esoteric legends unless used in native-speaker context, but in the spirit of trying to be constructive and learn something I am willing to branch out and have a go at understanding what you are trying to achieve.
Myths about spooky dangerous women are common enough - the ones I know most about are Malaysian/Chinese, but there's been a spate of Greek legend films of late, with Medusas and dragon-women aplenty being slain. Psychologically they've been classified as male fear of castration myths,profoundly misogynistic,which is another reason they don't appeal.However they are a big component in literature generally.I've been to exhibitions about Mayan and Aztecs religions but had to look up X'Tabay (or Ix'Tabay)
I'm more focussed on form and language here, which is why I thought shit pit out of place with the more ethereal style of the rest. You say 'local vernacular' but it can't be local to the context described, unless it's a direct translation, which is why it's odd. I don't know it, but as it's vernacular I wouldn't as I've mainly read literary Latin American Spanish. Maybe I've heard it in films, As a beginning student of Latin-American literature I'm interested in but not very knowledgeable about Mestizo legends
The name Javier is Hispanic, I know. There seems, at an unconscious level a psychological rejection of the female and preference for male sexuality, which the whole atmosphere of secrecy reinforces.
I looked up Larium and it seems to be a cure for malaria, which explains the delirium, although Becca's comment seems to suggest the medication may be hallucinogenic too.
This is the connection I noticed with the poem. it's Xanadu, by Coleridge, the infamously drug addicted poet, the poem thought to be inspired by laudanum. He and fellow poets were quite keen on experimenting with hallucinogens, I checked the quote:
'Beware, beware, his flashing eyes and floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honeydew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of paradise'
I also looked up gibbous and see it refers to a phase of the moon.I think this is all a bit esoteric for most people to take,but maybe its commonplace to a certain kind of literature. I think there's a whole specialist area that's recently popular that I don't know much about.
Very interesting now that I have thought about it in some depth. I don't know what the girls secret is, but the young man's secret, for me, is that he'd rather stick with Javier. Am I right?
Sheila
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Hal Incadenza at 10:15 on 29 June 2010
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Well you certainly got a lot out of those 164 words, so that's something at least!
re. spooky dangerous women: the point of this story is not some trite mythical observation of otherness, nor is it, I hope, just another mysogynistic, mythical tale. What I hope to achieve here is this very strong female image being representative of both power and vulnerability at the same time. The story plays off the differences between the X'tbay and the Western girl. My partner (female), by contrast to you, though the X'tabay to be a feminist myth.
What interest me is the fact that in a land of dark haired people there is this myth about this very powerful blonde-haired womanm, who was unlikely to be native, and my simultanous experience of this land (plus anti-malarials) turning another blonde-haired woman into a nervous wreck.
The story is set in Belize, where language is a fluid tool and English, French, Spanish and Creole can all appear in the same sentence. I lived there and this is the fact of the matter, and everybody refers to their outide toilets as 'shit pits'.
Javier is indeed a local name and his character here is as the father of the house - shown by the fact that he is the first to go to the door when there is a disturbance. Your reading of some latent homo-eroticism is a surprise for me here, because Javier is intended as a father figure to the narrator. He is the one who told the narrator the story of the X'tabay.
I really don't get where you found the man-crush in there. Please don't tell me that you read 'easing the bolt' as some phallic innuendo.
The girl who comes to the window is, like the narrator, a foreigner to these parts (hence taking Larium). I did not realise that the use of Larium would cause too many problems - but my assumption of the word's familiarity was clearly misguided.
Likewise 'gibbous', which I learned in science class when I was 8 years old and have used ever since to refer to a moon between full and half. Yes, you could say 'a three-quarter moon' but why do that when 'gibbous' is more concise and produces such a lovely sound?
My inention is not towards the esoteric. Rather I have selected the language that felt true to the story, and these are words I tend to use in eveyday speech.
As for the 'secrets' of the final line, I'm afraid you're way off the mark with your reading of it. It should not be my place to explain everything in the story, as then it might lose whatever remains of its strength. There is a lot left unsaid here.
In my eyes the narrator turns the girl away out of fidelity for his lover who is far away.
I find it amazing that so many different stories can be read out of the same mall bundle of words. It makes this very short fiction such an interesting format.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to explain your reading of it.
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 GaiusCoffey at 10:57 on 29 June 2010
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| these are words I tend to use in eveyday speech |
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You must be a riot on a night out! ;
Read this out of interest and was quickly taken by the almost poetic style. Not much else to add other than I enjoyed it a lot. Quick sanity check on hair becoming inflamed in humidity, though? Wasn't sure about that as an image.
Cheers,
Gaius
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 Katerina at 13:18 on 29 June 2010
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I enjoyed this a lot, loved the images it conjured up, but like Sheila, I wasn't sure about shit pit - it seems totally out of context with the rest of the piece, which is beautiful and ethereal.
Kat
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Hal Incadenza at 13:48 on 29 June 2010
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Point taken regarding 'shit pit'. Hopefully I've ironed out a few kinds, and I've tried to make it a little less opaque. Is this ending weaker?
X’tabay
According to Mestizo legend, X'Tabay is a beautiful, blonde-haired spirit who emerges from the jungle at night, luring men away to their deaths.
She comes in the night when the house is sleeping and reaches my window without raising dogs. Her fingernails strum on the mosquito netting; there’s a wild-haired figure in the paneless frame.
Candlelight sends geckos scuttling and Javier’s at the door easing the bolt. X’tabay, he says, like he’s woken to a nightmare, but I tell him she isn’t and that I should go.
Her eyes are raw from so much crying, her hair enflamed by the humid night. Side by side we sit in the shadows, and she tells me again about her loathing and fears, about nightmares in the daytime and the Larium frenzy of night.
She’s been here too long, asks if she can lie with me - Please can you hold me, just for a while. I tell her I can’t, but that I’ll walk her home.
Beneath a gibbous moon we cross the silent Northern Highway and hug the fringes of the jungle to the place where she stays. As we draw near we wake the geese.
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Cornelia at 14:36 on 29 June 2010
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Ha, ha! considering how way off the mark I was it's good of you to take this in the right spirit.
I think of mythical sirens and the Lorlei. This girl is wild eyed and weepy, is entertained beside the shit house, then she's rejected. She's an object of pity, really, but she's all mixed up in my mind with the with the wild-haired Medusa (the one that turned men to stone with one glance, right?) I didn't know the Mayan goddess is a feminist symbol but the girl in the story doesn't even seem to have any self respect.
I see now she was at the window - the Medusa one - and the girl was at the door, so they may be two quite different characters.
Maybe some title would help to establish Javier's seniority, such as Monsignor or Don, but I see now he does go to the door first so I should have guessed. By calling him by his first name he seems more on a footing with the main character.They are getting rid of this bunny boiler type, I thought.
I needed a hint about about the lover far away, although other people seem quite happy.
Again, I associated gibbous with gibbet, so thought somebody was going to die, possibly it meant the death of the girl's hopes. I didn't know it was a technical term.
I did wonder too about strumming the gauze because gauze is a very sheer material. I decided it might be a a kind of mosquito screen.
I agree the language is poetic, apart from the shit pit and I did wonder about the hair could be humid and aflame at the some time but I can see you are indicating the colour.
Sorry for being so wide of the mark with this.
Sheila
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Katerina at 15:41 on 29 June 2010
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Hi,
I now love - side by side we sit in the shadows - much better and more atmospheric 
Just one teeny nitpick - She comes in the night when the house is sleeping and reaches my window without raising dogs
I would put 'the' before dogs - without raising the dogs.
But that's all, I think it's lovely.
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Cornelia at 16:13 on 29 June 2010
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Sorry, didn't see the amended version before I added my extra comments. I think the ending is stronger now, because the main character seems much kinder. I like the geese and the dogs -ties in with the earlier geckos and the sense of a place with lots of animals around.
Sheila
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apcharman at 12:21 on 01 July 2010
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Hi there Hal,
Crikey. It feels quite daunting to start commenting now, with so much said already sorry to be late to the party.
I've just come from long, fast-paced narratives where clarity is king, so it is a culture shock to enter a world of such short and intense prose.
This is amazing writing very refreshing from my perspective, and Becca's comment about your feeling for flash fiction speaks volumes. I have to thank you, because in reading this, I find a new way of thinking about very short fiction.
Yes, this piece makes us work at reading and I'm always a little unsure of myself in this context, but I have to say I disagree quite passionately with many comments from my fellow reviewers. (Apologies to my colleagues—please forgive my contrariness). Of course these are opinions, and everyone is entitled, etc, but I think your original was much stronger than the revised version.
I agree that you might want to look at the phrase "...without raising dogs". While it is clear what it means, it could also be read as meaning "without rearing puppies". I also found it hard to imagine fingers strumming on gauze. I tend to think of gauze as soft, not strummable and when I was reading closely I found myself wanting a neat evokation of the sound of finger-nails on gauze, which 'strumming' didn't achieve. (What was she actually doing? Scratching? Was the gauze stretched so tight it really was like a drum?) I didn't think that changing gauze to mosquito net helped—I wanted something that gave me more of a sense of what she was doing.
After that I part ways with most of my fellow reviewers, so please excuse me if I have completely missed the point.
When you move from the Medusa in the paneless frame to the candlelight and the geckos it is a movement from very close, quiet intimacy of the first paragraph, (tapping on a window) to more open, active and responsive action in the second (running down a corridor). After reading both versions and your explanations I can imagine the second paragraph is set an echoey hall (hot climate, stone floors, echoey entrance hall), where the narrator meets Javier. But when I first read it, I didn't know this; so the candlelight and the geckos were still in a small stuffy room occupied by the narrator and Javier, both. The bolted door led straight from the room to the outside (in my imagination). If you wanted to, you could ease this misunderstanding with one or two words; I think it would help because this confusion also led me to think the narrator was female, which messes up the last couple of paragraphs.
I loved the rhythm and rhyme of 'side by side we sit by the shit pit'. It has a symmetry to match the series of pairs that follow, fear & loathing, nightmares & day, frenzy & night. And the conclusion is perfectly vernacular—she's been here way too long. Great rhythm. It is a real shame to lose it.
Personally I loved the gibbous moon. I also loved the 'Northern Highway' it places the story somewhere specific, no matter that we aren't told where.
As for the last line, God would strike me down if I disagreed with Becca, but I knew the atmosphere and feeling you were getting at. It's when you want to say something but you don't because you'll reveal too much, or assume too much—it's a silent resistance to intimacy and while you might find a more expressive way of phrasing that, I think it is exactly the right note to end on. Geese schmeese.
So to the revised version. I think the changes remove a lot of the rhythm and soul. I know it's a mix of mythologies, but a 'wild haired Medusa' gives me so much more than a 'wild-haired figure'. With 'Medusa' I have a picture in mind immediately, (female, wide-eyed, scary, mad as a head of snakes) whereas 'figure' doesn't even give me a gender. The original was better.
I'm less opinionated about having Javier mention X'tabay, but there is a resonance with this phrasing;
"I tell him it is I who should go and he lets me."
which is missing from;
"I tell him she isn't and that I should go."
I am a little bit appalled that you have been persuaded to remove the shit pit, especially having learned from your comments that this is the phrase of the place and time. It may alienate some readers, whereas it is true that the anodyne neutrality of 'shadows' and 'figures' will offend no-one, but that specificity and the authenticity it carries are missing from the revised version like there has been an amputation. I have much more faith in your original impulse.
You moved "She's been here way too long." from the end of the paragraph of her complaints to following the paragraph of her pleas. The effect (for me) is to say that she has been right there with him too long (by the shit pit), as opposed to being in the country too long (whacked out on Larium). Again, this seems to me to be a weakening of your original intention and meaning.
I thought the subtle changes to her pleas and his response did little but destroy the rhythm which I really liked in the first version.
"I resist her pleas and lead her back."
Seem so much more poetic and lively than the revised version;
"I tell her I can't, but that I'll walk her home."
I could write whole essay about the difference, but I'll restrict myself to one observation. When narrator completes an act of resistance it implies there is some temptation; an inner struggle as well as an outer statement. If he just tells her he can't, he is obeying boundaries without, it seems, emotion or soul. There is an equivalent difference between "lead her back" (textured and evocative) and "walk her home" (flat and factual).
Glad you kept the gibbous moon, although again, your original phrasing was fresher. How many times have you heard "Beneath a [something] moon"? Lots. Whereas "The moon is [something] as we..." says exactly what you wanted it to say. And by adding "fringes of the jungle" you have introduced a phrase that is perilously close to a cliché.
So to the last sentence; waking the geese is certainly different, but while the wording might need attention, I much preferred the sentiment of the original, as I said earlier; geese schmeese.
In all, I am distressed to see the direction you've taken (been lead in?), because I think it has taken you away from the fresh and original descriptions. If you'll indulge me a little; I think you would do well to stick with your original sense and feeling even if you change some phrasing. If your meaning isn't clear enough and you want to be clearer, I think that is time to go deeper into each original notion, and to be more specific about precisely what you wanted to describe. With the changes as presented, you have become more general, and the result is (in my opinion) more shallow and weaker.
If you will indulge me still further (sorry), I will even offer one way of going deeper into each notion; Cycle through the senses until you find the one that fits. This piece is very sensuous, but it sticks with vision and sound (with a strong emphasis on sound).
In order, you provide us with;
* Dogs (not) barking, (auditory)
* strumming of fingers (auditory)
* the appearance of a medusa (visual)
* Candlelight (visual)
* Scuttling of geckos (is that visual?—some would say its auditory)
* Easing of the bolt (auditory and visual? It certainly evokes a sound)
* Telling 'I should go' (auditory)
* Raw eyes (touch-feeling)
* Related dialogue (auditory with some hints of touch-feeling)
* Enflamed hair (visual)
* Gibbous moon (visual)
* Silence (auditory)
The effect of keeping auditory and visual is that we are a little abstracted from the action. For all I know, this is a very deliberate act, but I'd like to be sure you are aware of the effect you could have by adding a few smells, some feelings and maybe the odd taste; it would place us more in the person of the narrator, making the experience more visceral. That would be a tonal change you'd really need to be comfortable with, so I am just offering it as a technique rather recommending you use it.
Most importantly I would like to stand as a very strong champion for the original version. I believe it would benefit from more clarity in the transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2, but on balance, if you can't get that clarity without losing the original poetry, then leave it alone.
Sorry for going on so long, I really hope this has been helpful.
Andy
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Hal Incadenza at 08:17 on 02 July 2010
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I'm on a borrowed computer far from home so I haven't time to digest all of that right now, but Andy thank you for such a detailed and honest read. You make plenty of useful comments and I'll send you a considered response once I make it home.
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Cornelia at 08:52 on 02 July 2010
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I agree with Andy - you have to opt for one tone or register and if you take away the literary language from this piece it loses all the atmosphere, which is its main strength.
To me the bit about resisting her plea seems an over-elaborate way of saying I turned her down, but it fits in better with the rest.
I think Andy may have highlighted a difference between flash fiction, which often establishes a momentary mood or atmosphere by hints and allusion, and a short story. with a more clearly defined narrative structure. There's a hint of a story in this piece but I don't think we have enough information and what we have, to me anyway, is misleading. I misunderstood the allusions, anyway.
I haven't given much conscious about the differences between flash fiction and short stories before, although I have written both.
I think it may be more than just the word count, though. I have been listening to Tania Hershman's flash fictions on Radio 4 this week -didn't catch them all, and intend to listen to the icasts on the website, but they seem to highlight the difference. It seems to resemble the difference between Haiku and poetry
Sheila
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tec at 06:46 on 04 July 2010
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wow, have just spent 2 minutes reading the piece and 20 reading the comments ! I will not belabor anything further here - just to say that I too enjoyed it, and I would second Andy's view that you stick w/ the original.
thanks for sharing
Tara
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Hal Incadenza at 12:10 on 05 July 2010
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Andy, that^ is such a useful post, and thank you again for such a very close reading. It is very reassuring that you and Tara prefer the original. You shouldn't be distressed about the second version - I was testing a few of the suggestions out but on reflection it does make the piece more general. I'm here to benefit from the collective opinions of fellow writers and readers, so I will not shy away from trying things out. But your post also gives me the confidence to trust the words which come to mind and feel 'honest' to the story.
You've illuminated so many places where I really did weaken the writing in the revision! I do think it is possible to find a happy medium, whereby I can keep the poetry whilst improving the clarity.
In terms of flash-fiction versus short story Sheila makes some interesting observations, but I personally do not like it that these categories somehow predefine what one necessarily can and cannot do in a certain number of words. I do not think it useful to try and ring-fence flash fiction from short story, not forgetting the short short story and very short story. (Also I think 'flash' implies a very rapid construction of a piece, like a quick writing exercise, whereas this story whilst being short, is being agonised over at great length!). In this particular piece I want to write poetically and also to intentionally be somewhat opaque with meaning, whilst maintaining a strong enough narrative for it to satisfy as prose.
Very useful notes of the use of senses throughout. I hadn't noticed my tendency towards the visual, but then I'm a little hard of hearing. In returning to the shit pit there's also a fine opportunity to insert some olfactory action!
I've learned a huge amount about my writing just through this one story and all your comments, so thank you all.
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Crimsondelilah at 16:18 on 05 July 2010
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There's been quite a stir about this and I don't think there's much more to add. I'm with Andy and Tec in that I found the first version much more atmospheric, just better all round. However I do like Javier mentioning X'tabay - so maybe that is something you can keep in a third draft. From the original, I don't think you need to further describe Medusa as wild-haired - it's implied and should conjure up the image of wild hair if one has heard of the Greek Gorgon. I like 'shit pit' because of the contrast with the lilting rhythms of the sentences that come before and after. I must admit that the relationships between the characters seemed clearer in the second. I think as you've already mentioned, the trick is to keep the poetry but improve the clarity.
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Indira at 07:21 on 12 July 2010
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Goodness, a great deal to read about the piece. So, although I am late, I do feel compelled to add my opinion for what it's worth.
It is a strong bit of writing. Very well structured.
I had no difficulties with the Larium of course. Nor with the the gauze screen panels which are common enough here in India and the States.
The controversial shit-pit, my only comment, would you choose to deal with an emotional crisis in the stinkiest part of the garden on a hot, humid night? Otherwise, I didn't find that it jarred.
I found it was in keeping for Javier to state that it is X'tabay at the door.
Thought the geese a bit of a weak compromise, although they are evocative. I liked the first ending, for there are secrets and secrets surely. Brilliant in the way it indicates the transition from the earlier intensity.
Indira
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apcharman at 01:09 on 02 September 2010
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Later...
Hal, I'm glad you got something from my comments... I got a great deal from reading and reviewing your piece. My latest post (Ash Pug, Buff Tip, Common Emerald) is heavily inspired by this debate.
More power to your elbow, as the saying goes!
Andy
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