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A Nasty Fall

by Laurence 

Posted: 26 June 2010
Word Count: 300
Summary: Week 311 Challenge


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Molly enjoyed pottering around and pleasing herself. She had been the village school teacher for nearly thirty years. At first she had missed her enthusiastic students but quickly retirement brought with it plenty of enriching experiences.

One day Molly was working in her garden when a voice called to her, 'Miss Gray?'

Molly looked up from what she was doing to see a pretty young lady in a flowery dress peering over the hazel and wild rose hedge. 'Yes? How can I help you dear?'

'Well you wouldn't know me but you taught my mother many years ago. I was wondering if we could have a chat?'

Molly got slowly to her feet and brushed her hands across her skirt; she beckoned the young lady into the garden.

'Sorry it must seem terribly rude of me - Sally, Sally Johnson and my mother is Polly.'

'Of course, Polly, such a dear child. Oops,' she giggled,' that was some years ago. How is your mother?'

'Very well. She sent me over to see you because I've recently trained as a teacher - and you were a great inspiration to so many.'

'Have you a post?' asked Molly.

'The village school,' said Sally smiling broadly.

'Why don't we have a nice cup of tea and perhaps you would like to hear about the school's history.' As Molly turned for the door she tripped and she went crashing down on the path; as she hit the ground there was a sickening snap.

'Oh dear,' grimaced Molly, 'What on earth have I done?'

'Lie still Miss Gray and I'll phone for help.' Sally made Molly comfortable as she could, plying her with hot sweet tea before she was taken to hospital.

'I'm dreadfully sorry dear, perhaps we could resume our little chat another time.'






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 17:33 on 26 June 2010  Report this post
I think this needs more to complete it. Seems like a beginning to me. But did you know
plying her with hot sweet tea before she was taken to hospital.

you should never give anyone who has sustained an injury anything to eat or drink because in hospital they won't then operate for hours! It happened to me when I broke my wrist

fairyhedgehog at 18:54 on 26 June 2010  Report this post
Ouch! That was vivid!

I'd be inclined to start at "Molly was working in her garden..." and I agree with Oonah that it could do with a stronger resolution.

Laurence at 19:24 on 26 June 2010  Report this post
Thanks Oonah - come to think about it, the last time I had to deal with an injury at school I was too busy checking everything was ok,it never crossed my mind to give them tea!! Perhaps I was just trying to show the kindness of Sally even if it were displaced kindness!

Take the point the ending could be stronger.

Thanks fairyhedgehog for your comments.

I could see this piece developing like a Miss Read!

Laurence

Bunbry at 19:35 on 26 June 2010  Report this post
A good start Laurence, I'd keep writing this and see what happens!

Nick

Elbowsnitch at 21:20 on 26 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence - when Molly fell over and there was a 'sickening snap', I actually laughed - which may not the reaction you intend your readers to have! And this despite my own recent fall, which I certainly didn't find amusing. Perhaps I reacted like this because for me there's overmuch 'sweetness and light' in the rest of the story.

Also 'giggled', 'smiling broadly' and 'grimaced' - i think the narrative would be better if you took these out.

The 'enriching experiences' fleetingly mentioned in the first para - what are they, I wonder?

My overall feeling is that Molly's fall actually distracts from the story, which should focus on some conflict or unexpectedness between the two women.

Frances

choille at 00:09 on 27 June 2010  Report this post
I think you've had some good tips here to be going on with.

I do agree that it needs a bit of trimming away & editing out as it is a bit too sweet although there is a market for that too.

All the best
caroline.


crowspark at 09:31 on 27 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence. I liked the way you kept the reader's eye on features to show the story; flowery dress, hedge and gestures like
Molly got slowly to her feet and brushed her hands across her skirt

I think you could get rid of some "tell" by starting with:
One day Molly was working in her garden when a voice called to her, 'Miss Gray?'

"Miss Gray" already suggests a teacher and the story gives us all the detail of your opening sentence.
You can speed up the read by a good trim - eg "hazel hedge" rather than "hazel and wild rose hedge"
As an exercise you might see whether you can cut this down to 200 words. You may find that a new narrative suggests itself to you. Then you could develop a new ending pushing your word count upwards again, giving you a tight story.

Hope this helps.

Regards
Bill

Laurence at 10:06 on 27 June 2010  Report this post
Thanks for all the good tips. I think I may take up your suggestion Bill and see what develops.

Laurence

Jubbly at 20:05 on 27 June 2010  Report this post
I have to agree with the other comments, though well written I felt disatisfied at the end I wondered if there was something a bit sinister about Molly just a thought.

J

Laurence at 08:22 on 28 June 2010  Report this post
Interesting idea Jubbly - although I do have a tendency to make a number of my characters sinister.

Laurence

Cholero at 19:16 on 29 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Larence
Everything's been said!
I enjoyed the sweet lightness of this and thought you built it up very well. I was expecting a revelation about the mother to be at the climax, but no.
Yes, change the opening, lose a bit of tell, and find a resolution and this will really sing I'm sure.


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