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Egon Chips Dies Aged 134

by binsie 

Posted: 14 June 2010
Word Count: 431
Summary: A little light relief. No offence meant

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It is with great regret and not a little sadness that we report the death of that much adored, thrice Dunlop starred, super chef Egon Chips.

At the ripe old age of 134 and still plying his genius as only he could, in his Glaswegian restaurant The Fat Bar Steward, Egon keeled over whilst removing a basket of Mars Bars from the deep fat fryer and, in doing so, substituted himself for its erstwhile contents. Connoisseurs will be doubly comforted to know that he shuffled off this mortal coil in a way befitting a culinary institution and, forever multi-tasking, embalmed himself in chip fat at the same time.

Critics, friends and admirers alike have been quick to add their words of praise and condolence as the news spread throughout the gastronomic world.

“This man has done for the ‘Full English what Heston Blumenthal did for food poisoning” said Marco Pierre Black, himself a two star Dunlop.

Of his many previous students Jamie Dodger the ‘Cockney Cocker’ said...” if it was not for Egon I would still be serving pie and mash down the East End. I well remember the year that Dad took us all to Govan for a cultural holiday. It was here that I first came across the delights of unsaturated fat and soon made the lard butty part of my staple diet.”

Egon was nutted for his services to tribalism in 1993 when staff at The Fat Bar Steward inadvertently double booked the restaurant between Rangers and Celtic supporters after the New Year ‘Old Firm’ game. He went down in the ensuing mêlée but not before he had dropped a good four from either side. “That was the great thing about Egon, by the way” said wee Jock Strap of the Celtic Supporters Club, “he niver minded who he beat the crap out of and took on all comers. We put it all down to the diet and the partaking of ‘a good bucket’ on Saturday nights."

In accordance with his wishes Egon will be cremated in the world renowned 60 inch single wall oven at The Fat Bar Steward at 3.00pm next Thursday (240C gas mark 9) although the ceremony is not expected to last long given the residue of chip fat he is still covered in. In the time honoured tradition the body will be browned first on all sides before being placed in the oven.

Mourners unable to attend the ceremony are asked to pay their respects by raising their chip butties to their wives at 3.00 pm with the immortal words ‘Fat Bar Steward’.

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Comments by other Members

Cornelia at 13:45 on 15 June 2010  Report this post
Great. I loved this, just after I'd watched 'Come Dine with Me'. What a good idea to lampoon the current obsession with food and cookery.

Noticed the greengrocers' apostrophe in the last sentence, too. Should be 'butties'

Thanks I needed a laugh.


binsie at 14:20 on 15 June 2010  Report this post
Thanks Sheila for your kind words and the correction. It good to know that I gave you a laugh.

Best regards



Or even it's good to....

James Graham at 15:24 on 20 June 2010  Report this post
An entertaining piece which makes fun of celebrity chefs to some extent, but what you’re mainly doing is having a go at the deep-fried Scottish diet. Some nice touches - ‘forever multi-tasking’, ‘took us all to Govan for a cultural holiday’, the 60 inch single wall oven (240°C gas mark 9). I’m not sure Jamie would have come across the lard butty on his visit to Govan, though - more likely deep-fried haggis or battered sausage.

And the unthinkable happens - the same premises booked for both Romans and Carthaginians. A gory scene ensues. My only reservation here is that you’ve made the Celtic supporter impressively articulate! He strings together an astonishing number of words. (Same applies if he were one of the other lot.)

Another little correction - don't forget to close quotation marks, e.g. on Saturday nights". You'll always get marks off for missing punctuation in this group!


V`yonne at 16:54 on 20 June 2010  Report this post
LOL Thanks for the laugh
the ceremony is not expected to last long given the residue of chip fat he is still covered in.

binsie at 11:14 on 21 June 2010  Report this post
Goodness me. A greengrocers apostrophe’ and missed quotation marks; mea maxima culpa.

As far as making the Celtic supporter impressively articulate James I suggest that you should listen to that well known Govan street philosopher Rab C Nesbitt. For example

“Some place Govan eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at 9am? Simple, just steal it off a drunk that's been lyin pished outside a close all night.” Or to his estranged son Gash;

"I am a recovering alcoholic, you are a reformed junkie," argues Rab. "Let us join hands across the Hepatitis C."

I use the Glaswegian self deprecating humour because I have some great friends up there (of both religious persuasions) and I am doing it out of admiration to them not to put them down.

Thanks Oonah I’m pleased to have made you laugh



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