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Allison`s Journey or Under the Palm Trees

by keancy70 

Posted: 09 June 2010
Word Count: 2246
Summary: I am posting two parts here today as I need advice please. They read pretty much the same but one is written in first person (11 chapters completed in that manner)the other only part through chapter one as I have re-written in third person. I would like to know which flows better please? If either. Both are only first draws, so need editing more yet. Be brutal I need to know. Thank you.


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The Unexpected

I, a very excited Allison Miller, was on route to Rio de Janeiro. It had been a while since I had a vacation.
Not long after take off I heard a voice booming over the speaker.
“This is your Captain speaking,” a man's voice filled the cabin.
He went through the usual speech of directions, weather, life jackets and over head masks etcetera but I had already tuned out and while studying the on board films on offer today.
I decided on a film and waited for the attendant to walk down the aisle, armed with a small notepad and pencil I'd pulled from my jeans pocket. When she was in reach I waved her over and gestured headphones with my hands. She understood me at once and handed me a set from the trolley she was pulling along.
“Would you like anything else Madam?” she'd asked me.
I shook my head, smiled and mouthed “thank you.”
I could see both flight attendants looking at me, the one from the drink cart whispering while touching her throat. She'd seen my scar. I lost the ability to speak about a year ago when doctors had found a cancerous growth on my larynx. The only sound I was able to make these days were almost inaudible sighs.
Seated next to me was a rather large man who I could continuously feel leering at me, how very unsettling. I quickly shoved the headphones over my ears and switched on the monitor in the headrest in-front of me. The film began and for the next two hours at least I could stare ahead and forget him.
About four hours into the flight the attendants had offered food. After reading the menu I had decided on the Chicken Risotto. While I waited for the meal to arrive I'd glanced across to the isle on my right, carefully avoiding eye contact with the large man next to me; I could still feel him staring at me and shuddered slightly. The two seats across the aisle were occupied by two men in suits who were deeply engrossed in a conversation about chemicals. I assumed they were on a business trip.
I was relieved when the food arrived because I no longer had to look around aimlessly. The man next to me might have thought me rude because I hadn’t spoken to him, but I didn't care. After a visit to the rest room I got comfortable and soon fell asleep.
I was unsure how long I'd been asleep but woke with a start and sat upright in my seat. A quick look out of the window informed me it was night time.
Bang, I realized what had woken me so abruptly, as the plane shuddered.
Bang, another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky whilst zigzagging through the night.
Panic set in around me. For the first time I allowed myself to look at the leering man next to me and noted the pearls of sweat forming on his balding head, his eyes wide in sheer panic.
The plane nose-dived as we dropped a few thousand feet rapidly. My hands gripped the arms-rests so tight my knuckles stood out white. With an all mighty boom another lightning bolt hit the cabin just a few feet ahead of me and ripped a gaping hole into the side of the plane. People were screaming as a few rows of seats got sucked straight out into the night.

Masks and life jackets flapped around in-front of our faces, quickly I pulled one over my face and fumbled myself into a life jacket. Realizing the man next to me had lost consciousness I pulled a mask on his face too. A gasp escaped my throat as another lightning bolt lit up the sky and I could see water glistening just a few hundred feet below us.
Before I could understand the magnitude of the situation another ripping sound tore through the body of the plane and the section I had been seated in broke off from the rest. With the gaping hole now ahead of me and more screaming around me I put my head between my legs and braced myself for impact. A few more seconds later we hit and the water rushed in, I quickly unbuckled my seat belt and tried to stand up.
“Ouch,” I thought as I felt excruciating pain shooting up from my left ankle.
There was no time to worry about that now, I had to get out of the quickly sinking wreck. I pushed myself upward again and managed to swim out of the opening ahead of me. I reached the surface and gasped for breath while swimming aimlessly for a moment. Everything was still around me, all I could hear was the waves gently floating past me. I had no idea if anyone else had managed to get out of the wreckage and I couldn't see around me, it was pitch black. My left ankle was extremely painful, unsure whether it was broken or not my only thought was survival.
How ironic! A year ago cancer could have killed me, now I am bopping around in the middle of Atlantic Ocean having survived a plane crash, for now!
“I Wonder how many life’s I had left.”
Still holding on to my thoughts the clouds suddenly shifted and a full moon lit up the ocean around me. My eyes adjusted and I realized I was pretty much alone aside from a couple of bodies and a load of debris floating nearby. I focused more and scanned the horizon for any sign of life but couldn't find any. Just as my hopes of getting out of this nightmare alive were fading I faintly made out some shapes a few hundred feet ahead of me. Squinting my eyes some more I realized the shapes were actually palm trees. I had to reach them!


----------------------------------------------------------
3rd person


The Unexpected

Allison Miller sat back in her seat relaxed and happy, on board flight 603 to Rio de Janeiro, buckled up like the sign overhead suggested, ready for take off. While more passengers boarded, she watched workers bustle around on the tarmac below her, through the window. Eventually the attendants closed and secured the doors and the plane taxied down the run way. Butterfly’s swirled around her stomach as the wheels left the ground and the plane gained altitude pressing her to the seat.
Not long after take off she heard a voice booming over the speaker. “This is your Captain speaking,” his voice filled the cabin as he explained safety drills, flight directions, weather and the estimate arrival time at the destination.
Allison decided on a film to watch during the flight and anxiously scanned the aisle for the flight attendants to pass, in her hands she held a pen and paper ready, should it be needed. As the attendant reached her row of seats she waved to get her attention and gestured headphones, with her hands. The attendant understood at once and passed her a set from the trolley she was pushing along.
“Would you like anything else madam?” she pointed to various items on top of the trolley.
Mouthing a “no thank you” Allison shook her head, smiling politely.
From the corner of her eye she could see both flight attendants looking at her, the one from the drink cart whispering while touching her throat. She had obviously seen her scar, a year ago when doctors had found and removed a cancerous growth on her larynx she'd almost lost the complete ability to speak. On a good day she managed to whisper but only barely.
In the seat next to her a large, balding man sat leering at her ever since boarding and it unsettled her. Shoving the headphones over her ears, looking straight ahead to the screen, she tuned out and almost managed to forget him for the next two hours while the film ran.

Four hours into the flight the attendants offered food, and after studying the menu Allison had chosen the Risotto. While she waited for the food to arrive she'd glanced across the aisle, carefully avoiding eye contact with the still leering man next to her, she shuddered slightly. In the two rows almost opposite her, two men were seated, dressed in suits, perhaps on a business trip, both deep in a loud conversation about chemicals.

With relief she noted the two attendants wheel the trolley toward their area handing out meals to passengers, it meant she'd be able to eat shortly rather then have to stare aimlessly around the cabin any longer. She was convinced the leering man would think her rude for not speaking to him but she didn't care. After a quick trip to the rest room, she got comfy in her seat and not long after her heavy eyelids plunged her into darkness.

Allison woke with a start , unsure how long she'd been asleep, and sat bolt upright in her seat. While still trying to focus on a reason for the rude awakening, sheer horror seemed to have gripped her fellow passengers around her. Gasps and shrieks from all directions. A quick glance out of her window informed her night had fallen.
Bang! She realized what had woken her so abruptly, as the plane shuddered and bounced around on thin air.
Bang! Another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky whilst zigzagging through the night. More gasps around her and somewhere ahead she heard a child cry softly.
Panic set in around her and for the first time she allowed herself to look at the leering man sat beside her, pearls of sweat forming on his balding head, his eyes wide in sheer panic. Seatbelt signs flashed wildly at her from ahead of the cabin, and she could her them clicking into place just like her own.
The plane nose-dived as it dropped a few thousand feet rapidly, sucking her into her chair. Gripping the arms-rests tight her knuckles stood out as white as her neighbours face. With an all mighty boom another lightning bolt tore the cabin just a few feet ahead of where they were seated and ripped a gaping hole into the side of the plane. People screamed as a few rows of seats got sucked straight out into the night, with the passengers still seated in them.
With a popping sound masks and life jackets fell from the ceiling and flapped around in-front of their faces, quickly Allison pulled one over her face and fumbled her way into a life jacket. Realizing the man next to her had lost consciousness she pulled a mask on his face too, her hands wet with his sweat afterwards. A gasp escaped from her throat as another lightning bolt lit up the sky and water glistened just a few hundred feet below.
Before anyone could understand the magnitude of the situation another ripping sound tore through the body of the plane and the section she'd been seated in broke off from the rest. With the gaping hole now ahead of and more screaming surrounding her she positioned her head between both knees and braced for impact. A few more seconds later the plane hit and the water rushed in icy-cold and fast. Quickly unbuckling her seat belt she pushed from her seat to get free from the wreckage before it got sucked under by the rushing water.
“Ouch,” excruciating pain shoot up her leg from the left ankle.
There was no time to worry about that now, she had to get out of the quickly sinking wreck. Pushing upward again she managed to scramble free and swim out of the opening ahead.
Her head popped out of the water to the surface and a deep gasp of air filled her lungs with relief, while swimming aimlessly for a moment. Tilting her head slightly she listened out into the black night everything was still around her, the only thing sound drifting to her ears were the waves gently floating past.
Unaware if anyone else had managed to get out of the wreckage and petrified as nothing but darkness surround her she continued to kick her legs to stay afloat, hoping deep down no sharks were looking for a night time feast tonight. Every movement of her legs painfully reminded her of the excruciating pain in her left ankle, but survival was the key, nothing else mattered.
It was pretty ironic how a year ago cancer had threatened to take her life and after surviving that, the devil tried to claim her again tonight, yet again he failed miserably.
“I Wonder how many life’s I have left.” she thought to herself as the clouds shifted of the moon to reveal nothing but ocean, debris and floating bodies around her. It appeared she was alone.
Focussing her eyes while swirling slowly around her on axis, in the ocean, her eyes scanned the horizon for any sign of rescue. For a moment her legs came to a hold below the surface, the pain just to much to bare and the hope of getting out of the nightmare surrounding her fading fast, when something in the distance caught her eye.
Faintly in her sight were some dark shapes lining the horizon, squinting her eyes together while kicking her legs again gently, she realized the shapes were actually palm trees.
The goal would be to reach them, preferably alive!







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Comments by other Members



NMott at 19:55 on 09 June 2010  Report this post
Hi, just a quick comment to say I much preferred the second version, written in the 3rd person. It is certainly keeping my attention and I like the character. Will come back to it later.



- NaomiM

keancy70 at 21:28 on 09 June 2010  Report this post
Thank you Naomi, appreciated.


NMott at 11:12 on 10 June 2010  Report this post
Read through the 3rd person version again, and enjoyed it.
There were a few minor technical faults - which we all suffer from - such as the occassional comma which could be a full stop or deleted completely, and the occassional word that could be cut (maily because it's unnecessary repetition), but that's just proof-reading and I wouldn't worry about them at this stage. It's best to keep writing and come back and tidy it up after you've finished the complete draft.

Just a couple of very minor points:

and life jackets fell from the ceiling - I think life jackets are stowed under the seats, so she'd have to fumble under the seat for it, while trying to keep the oxygen mask on, which has just dropped down.

“Ouch,” excruciating pain shoot up her leg from the left ankle. - 'ouch' denotes a minor sprain, rather than excruciation pain, so maybe change it to: She couldn't stop herself from crying out, as excrutiating pain shot up her leg. (no need to specify it's the 'left' one).

“I Wonder how many life’s I have left.” she thought to herself - thoughts don't need to be deliniated by quotation marks. You can either write it as:
I wonder how many lives I have left, she thought to herself.
or:
I wonder how many lives I have left, she thought to herself.
Or even:
She wondered how many lives she had left.

I like the slow build up, before the storm strikes, as she tries to avoid the leering guy seated next to her, and the flight attendents gossipying about her scar, and the film... but don't feel you have to account for every minute in the character's day, and keep one eye on continuity. For example, At one point she's watching the film, then the food is being served, then she goes to the loo, then she falls asleep, then she wakes with a start as the storm hits - however, she hasn't been served the food, so maybe move the food to before the film, and she falls asleep as she's watching the film, and then wakes up in the middle of the storm - maybe the storm is filtering through into her dreams, and she thinks it's part of the film. Anyway, just a suggestion.
All the best with the writing.


- NaomiM

jim60 at 18:38 on 10 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Anja, like Naomi, I thought 3rd person was much better. I also noted that you've written 11 chapters in first, but for me, it didn't work.
3rd gave me more of an overall view of things and again, as Naomi has already commented about the technical faults, no need for me to repeat them.
Quite enjoyable though.

Cheers,
Jim.




keancy70 at 18:51 on 10 June 2010  Report this post
Thanks again for the tips Naomi, and thank you too for your comments Jim. I appreciate everything that is said and suggested because as mentioned previously I am a complete novice, with no writing background per say.

I will concentrate on re-writing all 11 chapters to the third person, along the way I am researching more plausible scenarios and have also re-written the crash part as someone kindly suggested to me it wasn't plausible either. That is the exact reason why I posted here.

I am glad though people say the story is enjoyable because if it were not I'd give up right now

Thanks again

Anja

NMott at 19:10 on 10 June 2010  Report this post
and have also re-written the crash part as someone kindly suggested to me it wasn't plausible either


It's usually a case of 'suspending disbelief'. - after all, the characters in Lost managed to survive a similar crash. Also, she was asleep at the start of it, the Captain could have brought the plane down in preparation to ditching in the sea after the electrics were knocked out by a lightning strike (although planes are designed to survive lightning strikes, lightning and the severe turbulance in storms, have brought planes down). So it could be on a long, low glide when it broke up and hit the water - maybe they pass over the island and she catches a glimpse of it in one of the flashes of lightning. Alternatively, it could be a volcanic island which has erupted (generating lightning in the ash cloud) and the ash has clogged the engines - very topical at the moment, with the Iceland volcano.

keancy70 at 19:26 on 10 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Naomi,

I have taken onboard quite a few of your suggestions, here is the change:

Not long after the attendants had made another trip past their seats and cleared the food trays she got comfy in her seat and soon her heavy eyelids plunged her into darkness.
The clouds thundered together over the clearing as the Vampires played baseball, she had seen this film on more then one occasion but this time the loud thunder overhead sounded more realistic then ever before.......
With a start Alison woke, unsure how long she'd been asleep, and sat bolt upright in her seat. While still trying to focus on a reason for the rude awakening, sheer horror seemed to have gripped her fellow passengers. Everywhere she looked peoples faces looked ashen and their eyes black with fear!
She shot a quick glance out of her window, it was pitch black, then a bright flash lit the sky and she jumped backward in her seat.
Bang, she realized what had woken her so abruptly, as the plane shook violently.
Bang, another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky whilst zigzagging through the night, followed, a few seconds later by loud claps of thunder.
Panic set in around her and for the first time she allowed herself to look at the leering man sat beside her and noted the pearls of sweat forming on his balding head, his eyes wide in sheer panic.
The plane nose-dived as it dropped a few thousand feet rapidly.
Gripping the arms-rests tight her knuckles stood out as white as her neighbours face was now. With an all mighty boom another lightning bolt hit one of the wings just a few feet ahead, and a flames began to lick across it.
Masks now flapped around in-front of their faces, quickly Alison pulled one over her face and fumbled her way into a life jacket that she'd pulled from under her seat. Realizing the man next to her had lost consciousness she pulled a mask on his face too.
The lights flickered briefly before turning off completely. People were screaming, some out of their seats running and falling blindly down the aisle.
A gasp escaped from her throat as another lightning bolt lit up the sky, while she looked out of her window, and water glistened just a few hundred feet below.
Alison put her head between her legs, in the brace position and waited for the impact. Before anyone could understand the magnitude of the situation a ripping sound tore through the body of the plane and it began to tilt sharply to the left. A few more seconds later the wing hit the water and the force of it snapped the plane in half. One half sank downward rapidly while the other bobbed upright in the sea for a short time. People fell screaming past her head, as she clung on to her seat, into the trunk section of the plane which was now beginning to slowly fill with water. Alison precariously began to pull herself up toward the hole, she had to get out before the pull of the water would drag her under with the wreckage. She reached the opening and as she pushed herself over the edge she took a large breath of air. Plunging into the icy-water she could feel the drag of the water as it tried to pull her down, with all her might she had to push against it and try to swim from the wreckage fast. As she pushed on pain began to sear through her body.

I hope it is a bit better.

Carlton Relf at 15:33 on 08 July 2010  Report this post
Hi,
I read your story with great interest and it hooked me from the start. I liked both versions but have to agree that it read better in the third person. You have already had constructive feed back from others on the site - I can't really add to that being a novice myself .

Really enjoyed it...cheers Carlton



Neezes at 08:59 on 18 September 2010  Report this post
I thought both versions had their strengths... I can see why people prefer the 3rd, as to me it seems more of a storytelling situation. 1st can be good if you need a lot of personal reflection, show the character's state of mind through their observations etc, but here thing seem to be objective.

Keep an eye on some of the stock phrases e.g. sat bolt upright, sheer horror, rude awakening, pitch black... Maybe others will disagree but I feel that too much of this sort of thing damages the flow of a piece and it sounds a bit like padding the word count. I hope you don't take that too harshly as overall it is a very good bit of writing.
Jonathan


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