Indian Lessons
Posted: 01 June 2010 Word Count: 667 Summary: For Julie's challenge. Way over the word count I'm afraid!
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It was Susan who suggested I came to Manchester for the coin-collectors’ weekend although it felt odd, lonely, without her.
When I first found out I was to be made redundant I was not worried, I just regarded it as early retirement. The company had been very generous with my payout, which meant we had no financial worries but I soon found I had lots of hours to fill. Susan said I needed a hobby, and that’s where coin collecting came from – something to occupy my empty life.
The hotel had plush carpets a huge lobby and lots of glass. When I checked in I was greeted by a smiling Asian lady, the badge on her smart blazer telling me her name was Kahani. She was there again that evening as I returned from a day of haggling.
“Have you had a good day, Mr Banks?” she enquired in perfect English while handing me my key.
“Please, it’s Peter,” I said, “but, yes, I did find some nice old pennies”.
She insisted I show her some, and her eyes lit up as I told her why each one was special. I couldn’t help but contrast her attitude to Susan’s, which always seemed less than enthusiastic...
Kahani was on reception again early on Saturday and she gave me a little wave and mouthed ‘good luck’ as I left for another day’s hunting. I spent the day, not so much thinking about the coins, but about Kahani, who always seemed to be smiling despite the long hours she was obviously working. She had helped me go from feeling like a fish out of water, to not wanting the weekend to finish.
That evening I was telling Kahani about my day when she pulled some old Indian coins from her pocket.
“Would you like these Peter? They are very special.” They were clearly total rubbish, but not wanting to offend, took them off her.
“They are delightful, Kahani, I would love to have these in my collection. Thank you.”
“Oh good,” she replied. “Just one hundred English pounds for you.”
“Oh,” I said, “but… yes, of course, sorry.” I was fishing for my wallet when I saw her laughing at me.
“I’m just having some fun with you!” I shook my head, smiling at her joke which had really broken the ice. Reception was quiet so we went on chatting for a while, and before I knew it, we’d agreed that once she finished work we’d go for a meal, near to where she lived with her parents. We met in the lobby. I’m not sure what I expected, but after seeing her only in uniform, I was momentarily taken aback when she appeared in a sari, glittering with reds, oranges and golds. She simply took my breath away.
We went to an Indian restaurant down a side alley which I would never have found without Kahani. It was a magical place alive with life in a way that is hard to describe, with food that was simply gorgeous. As we talked she told me about her parents who ran a shop, and her brother who was studying medicine. I told her of my dissatisfaction with life and how things weren’t the quite the same with Susan anymore.
After the meal, she asked if I would walk her home which was nearby. We strolled slowly through a run down area until Kahani pointed to a large house, nearly as big as my own.
“This is me,” she said as she led me up the drive. She unlatched the door and beckoned me in, but took me up a flight of uncarpeted stairs and I realised she lived in a flat - her front door had ‘Fuck off Home’ scrawled on it. Still smiling, she kissed my cheek and said “Goodbye Peter,” before disappearing inside.
I didn’t stay for the final day of the fair. I needed to go home to Susan, and tell her how much I loved her.
Comments by other Members
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tusker at 07:07 on 02 June 2010
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You lead me down the garden path, Nick.
I enjoyed this. A man's dissatisfaction with his home life, glad to be appreciated by this lovely young woman, hope in his heart that it might lead to more.
Then wham!
He needed a slap in the face to appreciate his wife. Luckily it only cost him the price of a meal.
Jennifer
<Added>
maybe this could be a literary lesson for some men. Also this could be sent to a woman's mag and you'd get paid.
My Weekly publishes 700 word stories and yes, they do publish male authors.
Don't be shy. Send it. It's worth a go.
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Findy at 07:25 on 02 June 2010
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Enjoyed this one, Nick. Familiar colours and flavours
Tiny typo
disappearing
findy
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Bunbry at 12:40 on 02 June 2010
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Jennifer, you are very kind indeed! I may well give Woman's Weekly a whirl when I've tidied it up some more. I will let you know how I get on!
Findy, thanks for those kind words - typo fixed!
Nick
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Elbowsnitch at 15:40 on 02 June 2010
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Nick, what a storytelling gift you have! This drew me in, engrossed me - until the ending, which startles and shocks! How come the narrator, who seems to be a kindly and gentle man, suddenly changes towards Kahani, goes right off her (and instantly feels warmly towards Susan again), seemingly just because it turns out Kahani lives in a bedsit and is being persecuted by racists? This doesn't make sense to me, even in terms of the story itself, since he knew she worked as a receptionist and grew to like her and feel something special for her BEFORE she appeared in a glamorous sari and they spent a great evening together.
Will be interested to hear your thoughts - maybe I've misread the story?
Frances
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Bunbry at 16:42 on 02 June 2010
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Frances, this obviously needs a good old tinker-with, as that was not the effect I was after at all!!
I think I need more words to make it clearer, but this is what I was after -
He did fall for Kahani, in the way that home sick people can do, and perhaps he had thoughts of an affair, but I'm not sure about that.
But the real message was, when he saw how, despite living in very poor conditions, and working long hours, she could be happy, he realised how silly he was not to treasure what he had in life.
Hope that helps
Nick
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tusker at 18:20 on 02 June 2010
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I didn't question MC's actions. I knew what he wanted. Mc was feeling sorry for himself. Took advantage of a little freedom.
But the reader still sympathises with him and is glad he's been brought down to earth with the realisation that not all is greener...
It's My Weekly not Woman's Weekly. They accept email submissions but it takes up to 6 months for a decision.
Tinker away.
Jennifer
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Bunbry at 18:59 on 02 June 2010
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Thanks Jennifer - what I forgot to mention was that in my mind, Kahani (who was clearly fond of him) deliberately let him see where she lived to open his eyes to how lucky he was. She knew the penny had dropped when he saw her home - that's why she said goodbye. And that's why the title is 'Indian Lessons'
I will look up the guidelines for My Weekly Jennifer - thanks for the tip.
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V`yonne at 21:14 on 02 June 2010
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might be worth incoporating that phrase. Two 'simply's quite close near the end. I enjoyed this very much. I liked the contrast in the way of life and that he found out just how great a contrast that was.
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Elbowsnitch at 07:01 on 03 June 2010
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Hi Nick - ah, now the story makes sense to me. I think you could afford to be a bit more explicit - make it clear that Kahani has taught him a valuable lesson. Especially if you're going to submit this to My Weekly!
I'm left feeling some concern for Kahani as a woman, though - that is, if she's a flesh-and-blood woman (rather than some sort of goddess) and has become attached to him?
Frances
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tusker at 07:25 on 03 June 2010
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I agree with Frances.
If you want to submit to a woman's mag, I think your MC should be a divorcee or widower.
Kahani, I feel, might've opened his eyes to her circumstances, but it shouldn't make any difference to his growing feelings for her. Your MC mustn't appear shallow. Indecisive at first. Perhaps amazed that a beautiful woman shows interest in him.
MC grows to realise that underneath her confident and kindly exterior lies a woman who's been hurt but coneals her vulnerability.
Yes, I know I'm changing your theme but, you can write it 2 ways now, one for the paying market and the other for the non-paying one.
Apologies for nattering on. Shut up Jennifer.
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Jubbly at 19:49 on 03 June 2010
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A very good story Nick, quite other worldly in some respects as though Kahani had appeared just to teach him a lesson then disappeared right away. I think he should be separated, and the divorce just around the corner so the lesson has a practical impact. The Penny Drops would make a good title too. Lovely stuff and very thought provoking.
Julie
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tusker at 06:36 on 04 June 2010
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Oh I'm sorry about that, Nick. That's a new one on me.
Still there are the others and they want proper printed submissions and sae. But, as always, after posting off it's a waiting game of up to 3 to 6months.
Seasonal stories need to be submitted about 3 months beforehand.
Jennifer
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Bunbry at 19:09 on 04 June 2010
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Thanks Julie for those suggestions - you can't have too many when hoping to get work out there!
Jennifer, are you subbing to women's mags again yet? I hope you are.
Nick
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tusker at 19:59 on 04 June 2010
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Yes, I've subbed to My Weekly.
I'm waiting as per. I subbed to the main girl as I've had stories published with them. The last time, I think, was when I joined WW in 2007.
They accepted it. Paid me but it was never published!!!
But it's all changed. The lady I used to sub to is now in travel section. We had a great communication and she always sent me lovely letters with rejections and successes.
I sort of drifted from the scene as I couldn't come up with happy ever after stories.
It's worth a try though, Nick. The first time I got accepted in the early 80's, I blew it on wine to celebrate!!
Jennifer
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crowspark at 07:55 on 06 June 2010
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Hi Nick
Yes, terrific story telling skill as ever. Not so sure about the ending but I'm sure you will easily fix that.
Writing for magazines like My Weekly is good if you can crack the market. It is a particular skill and there are lots of "rules" as what you should and should not include in a story. The advantage is that once you have sold the story in this country you can then resell to other English speaking markets, Australia etc. I know one writer who became a full time writer on the basis of this kind of market.
Good luck with this.
Bill
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tusker at 08:08 on 06 June 2010
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Bill's right. It can open doors.
Years ago, a Norwegian agency bought a story of mine so I got paid twice for the same story!!
I didn't see the translated version nor would I have understood it.
Of course, I couldn't sell it again in the UK. The Austrlain market, I hear, is thriving.
Jennifer
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Bunbry at 09:25 on 06 June 2010
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Cheers Bill! I think the woman's mag market is a very tough nut to crack as they seem flooded with submissions. I think this story has a number of elements they would not like - for example his thoughts of an affair and the racism.
Jennifer, should you not also join the women's writers group on WW? I'm sure they would help you a great deal.
Nick
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tusker at 15:18 on 06 June 2010
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When I started WW, I joined the short story group, but then flash ficiton caught my eye and I was hooked.
I've written a novel and a novella. I was asked to extend the novella another 42000 words as it's hard to sell a novella, and then re-submit to Honno, but I'm put off about spending another year going over it again.
The novel received a good critique on a Welsh BBC radio programme, 'Now read On,' from both the publisher and the presenter and writer, Phil Rickman. I've still got the recording in a drawer somewhere!!
When I sent the novel to that same publisher, they hummed and hawed before saying it didn't fall into any particular genre.
The first novel took me 18 months, and the novella a year. I think I out-wrote myself.
Now I've joined flash poetry too. Enjoy it but it's scary.
Jennifer
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Terry Edge at 10:17 on 11 June 2010
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Nick, I read your post about the story on Smokelong. Then I had a quick read of that story; then a quick read of your story. I have a few reflections after doing so, which might help you - or might not!
The first difference, for me, between the two stories is that there is greater emotional distance between writer and characters in yours. The Smokelong story is weird, and it makes sudden jumps of normal logic, and it lacks an interesting story overall, but the way it's written means the reader is taken straight into the heads of the characters, even if you might not actually want to be there. Immediately, you're having an emotional reaction to them: they make you feel uncomfortable; you're not keen to see what they're going to do next but read on anyway.
But look at the way yours starts:
It was Susan who suggested I came to Manchester for the coin-collectors’ weekend, although it felt odd, lonely, without her. |
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This is passive, unengaging; he's unengaged with his own life. You might say that's the point, but actually the point is to grab the reader. If he's a boring guy, don't write boring prose; write prose that is funny, compelling, moving, with him sitting inside as the object of boredom - not the source. Which means first person may not be the best choice here.
Then:
When I first found out I was to be made redundant I was not worried, I just regarded it as early retirement. The company had been very generous with my payout, which meant we had no financial worries but I soon found I had lots of hours to fill. Susan said I needed a hobby, and that’s where coin collecting came from – something to occupy my empty life. |
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This is a flash piece yet you're nearly 70 words to give us a resume of his boring life. You actually don't need this paragraph at all: the first links to the third quite naturally.
Okay, my second point is, that having started at an emotional distance from your main character, you tend to then reach for default, cliché or imprecise prose which simply widens the distance. Some examples:
'perfect English'
'her eyes lit up'
'fish out of water'
'total rubbish'
'fishing for my wallet'
'broken the ice'
'took my breath away'
I believe you have a good grasp of story structure and pacing, and clearly are passionate about writing. I just feel you maybe suffer a bit from the British disease of standing a little too far back from one's characters. This is a problem I've struggled with myself, for many years. The best way I've found to deal with it is to go deeper into ones' own emotional life, grab some real content, then drag it back up to the story surface and make sure the reader gets it right between the eyes.
A good watchword here are the guidelines for Apex Magazine:
"What we want is sheer, unvarnished awesomeness. We want the stories it scared you to write. We want stories full of marrow and passion, stories that are twisted, strange, and beautiful. We want science fiction, fantasy, horror, and mash-ups of all three—the dark, weird stuff down at the bottom of your little literary heart. This magazine is not a publication credit, it is a place to put your secret places and dreams on display. Just so long as they have a dark speculative fiction element—we aren’t here for the quotidian."
Happy to discuss further.
Terry
<Added>
Okay, I've now read the other comments on your story. Where I'm coming from is trying to help you get something published in the highly competitive short story/flash markets. And putting aside the subject of editors' personal tastes, the main thing you have to do produce work that is better than the hundreds of people you're competiting with. And the way to do that, I believe, is to be original: not in terms of gimmicks and false twists, but in having the courage to dig beneath the surface of your own nicey-nicey life and extract the raw emotion underneath; then refine it into rocket fuel and just let the story take off.
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Cholero at 11:16 on 11 June 2010
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Hi Nick
I found this a compelling read -I like the cool opening and find it impressive rather than 'boring' that you generate enough interest so soon that you can pile in so much backstory so quickly without turning the reader off.
The whole thing built very nicely and I found myself full of curiosity about what might happen - I especially like the joke Kahani plays on MC, since it so neatly gets us past formalities and places her in an equal or even superior role in the relationship -funnier, more relaxed.
Not quite sure what she sees in him, though, but perhaps that isn't important.
I found the ending strange though - perhaps the stuff about him realising how lucky he is needs to be more explicit and also prepared a little earlier on...? As it stands the ending has the feel of a writer who suddenly ran out of time/patience/enthusiasm for the story and got it over with quickly at a point when a whole lot of interesting stuff was being raised - her poverty, the racism.
Just a thought, which is that a shop-owing asian family these days might not be likely to live in a flat in a run-down area - at the very beginning of their time in the UK perhaps, a few decades ago, but unlikely now, and by the time they have grown-up children etc. More likely to have a semi in suburb...
All best,
Pete
<Added>
semi in the subuirbs
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Bunbry at 11:03 on 18 June 2010
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Hi Terry, I'm sorry to have taken so long to get back to you but I've been away. Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful critique - it is really very kind!
As you might guess, there are points I agree on and some that I don't!
Firstly, I wouldn't call him a 'boring' man, but a 'bored' man. Many people who lose work suddenly, struggle like this and I'm sure that lots of readers can identify with his emotions.
One of the things I like to write about is the ordinary chap, placed in an unfamiliar situation and I feel being away from his wife for a weekend would not have unsettled a more outgoing person in the same way.
I see what you mean about the second para - it was a quick and easy way of getting in lots of essential information accross - ie his redundancy, his financial status, the fact his wife chose his hobby etc. But these facts could have been weaved into the story in more subtle way, I agree!
Regarding the cliches, I could try and defend them by saying that they were spoken by my ordinary MC, and that is how ordinary people speak, but you are dead right, I should have done this differently!
I love what you say about looking deeper into your own life for emotional content and I will try to do that in future! I must say, at this point though, I think this story is one of the weaker ones I've written (I found the challenge 'weekend' took me nowhere) and it nearly didn't get submitted!
As for the Apex advice, I don't tend to write about the weird and wonderful too much. I like stories we can all relate to and see parallels in our own lives - if only so the reader can say "What would I have done in that situation?", or "yes, that has happened to me".
With the Smokelong Story, I never felt that. I didn't feel I got to know or understand the girls, nor did I find the ending satisfactory in any way, and because of that found it pointless.
I'm a big Star Trek fan, and no matter how bizarr the plots get, the stories are always about the crew, and their fears and reactions to difficult situations. That to me is the essence of great story telling!
I really appreciate the time and effort you put into that critique Terry, cheers!
Nick
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Bunbry at 11:12 on 18 June 2010
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Hi Pete, I'm glad you didn't find it boring!!
Re the ending - to be honest I was way over the word count (first draft was about 200 words longer still) and I just parred it down too much. Silly me trying to condence a full weekend into 600 words!
What did she see in him? I think she saw a nice, vulnerable looking chap who she realized she could help.
And finally, I agree if they owned the shop they would be better off, but they just ran it. I needed the family to be poor for the story to work, and was not sure what other suitable employment I could give the parents!
Thanks for commenting.
Nick
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Cholero at 18:02 on 18 June 2010
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Hi Nick
Good points all, but I wonder if a non-asian family whose job it was to run a shop would be depicted as living in such poor conditions.
Pete
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Bunbry at 16:58 on 19 June 2010
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Fair comment Pete. I'm not sure I can really answer that one.
Nick
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hopper2607 at 15:14 on 16 July 2010
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Hi Nick,
I couldn't make sense of the ending either, until I read your explanation. That's not to say I dislike the ending. On the contrary, it has a real jolt to it, but the reader needs more clues as to what the game Kahani is playing.
Like the joke she plays on him - a very good way of making her a 3-dmensional character, giving her a sense of fun.
Andy
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Bunbry at 16:49 on 16 July 2010
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Hi Andy, I appreciate you having a look at this. When I stick this on my blog (I no longer send work to ezines) I will improve the ending!
I've just seen your interview on Nik Perrin's blog by the way - very impressive stuff - even a chance to win your novel!
I see you are well underway with the second one too - hope the crearive juices are flowing.
Nick
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