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Conference Call
Posted: 31 May 2010
Word Count: 83
Summary: My parents separated after 45 years of marriage this year and for several months were still living in the same house and answering the phone at the same time. Really not sure about this - especially not happy with penultimate line and would welcome suggestions.
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It’s good to talk but
not to both of you.
Not at the same time.
Not now that you’ve made the decision
to go it alone.
There’s something stilted;
shoehorned into
something too small
about my invidious position
with you both on the phone.
And I am utterly unable
to do more
than politely mouth
insincerities about your decision
to go your separate ways.
It’s only duty
that drives me to punch
your number
violently and involuntarily,
into the face of my phone.
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Comments by other Members
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 FelixBenson at 16:24 on 03 June 2010
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Hi David,
I can only imagine how truly awful this experience must have been. ..Although I am getting a fair idea from this spare and very honest poem. The confusion, hurt and anger is amplified by this rather absurd scene of your group phone call. A very awkward and unnatural situation to be in...but a strong subject for a poem.
It is strange to say, given that it is about a telephone call, but what I noticed about this poem is that it almost sounds like a letter - an exasperated letter which tells the reader (or rather, your parents) what these conference telephone calls never could -i.e. exactly how you feel. The reason why I thought it sounded like a letter is because the language seems quite formal sometimes, especially this section:
about my invidious position
with you both on the phone.
And I am utterly unable
to do more
than politely mouth
insincerities about your decision
to go your separate ways. |
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'invidious position' and 'mouth insincerities' and even 'your separate ways' sound like a you are making a 'case for the defence'.
As is often the case with the English language, the more restrained or cooler the language or phrasing, the angrier it sounds, so I find this tone terribly effective...I am not sure if this is a first draft or not so I wonder - was this tone/language a deliberate choice, or how the poem the formed naturally?
I am not sure what to suggest instead of 'violently and involuntarily', you could consider leaving this line out - although I am sure that is an unwelcome suggestion because it would mess with your scheme. But form me the word ‘punch’ in relation to the telephone number gave this the sense of controlled anger/frustration that seems to sum up the poem.
I might be going out on a limb here, but - depending on where you are with drafting this - but it feels it might be an early draft. If I am right, I wonder if this is a poem that might yet evolve further?
There is a subject here which has a lot of raw emotional punch, but perhaps you might be still searching… I get a sense of searching in stanza 2. I think the image of being 'shoehorned into something too small' - is very powerful - at the moment that verse seems like the heart or meat of the poem - the part I wanted to hear more of.
I hope these suggestions have been useful in some way?
I think this has the makings of an extremely powerful poem, and I look forward to hearing what you think.
Kirsty
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 James Graham at 16:41 on 03 June 2010
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First of all, the penultimate line. I would suggest leaving it out altogether. The single word ‘punch’ says it all.
It’s only duty
that drives me to punch
your number
into my phone. |
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For me, this short stanza is very strong. Alternatively, you could replace ‘involuntarily’ with ‘unwillingly’, which is more correct as ‘involuntary’ actions are things like spasms or tics, bodily movements that we can’t control. And ‘unwillingly’ doesn’t duplicate the meaning contained in ‘punch’.
It’s only duty
that drives me to punch
your number
unwillingly
into my phone. |
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It’s hard to think of another adverb to complete the pair in this line. I don’t think you need one; shorter lines towards the end of the poem give a strong impression of finality.
Leaving out the whole line ‘violently and involuntarily’ interferes with your pattern of five-line stanzas. However, I feel that lines have to be omitted earlier in the poem too, because it’s a little too repetitive. I don’t think you need both ‘Not now that you’ve made the decision/ to go it alone’ and ‘your decision/ to go your separate ways’. I’d settle for this:
It’s good to talk but
not to both of you.
Not at the same time.
There’s something stilted;
shoehorned into
something too small
about my invidious position
with you both on the phone.
And I am utterly unable
to do more
than politely mouth
insincerities about your decision
to go your separate ways. |
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If you begin with a three-line stanza and end with a four-line stanza, that’s perfectly acceptable in free verse. The free-verse poet may vary stanza lengths to achieve different effects. I think the three-line verse above is very striking.
I had an issue with the subject of the poem. Your brief explanation at the top makes everything clear, but what would readers make of the poem if they didn’t have that? It seemed at first that the poem alone might fail to communicate the situation. Looking at it again after a couple of days, however, I began to think it might not be so difficult. The reader would probably guess that the couple separating must be the parents of the person speaking, not a pair of young partners ‘splitting up’. ‘To go your separate ways’ strongly suggests a parting that takes place after many years. And it shouldn’t be too difficult to imagine that the decision has been made but accommodation arrangements haven’t been finalised.
On balance I’d say the demands you make on the reader are a little stiff, but not too much so. It’s something to be aware of - if you need to add an explanatory note to a poem, there may be (though not necessarily) something wrong - a barrier between you and your reader.
Possible puzzlement could be avoided by working an explanation into the poem - something like:
You’ve told me
you’ve agreed to part
but you haven’t yet sorted
which one is going,
or where, or when. |
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I hope some of this will be helpful.
James.
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 V`yonne at 16:56 on 03 June 2010
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I've read what was said above. I'd go with violently on that line on its own. It gives a sense of the frustration felt - wanting to knock some sense into them... and not being able to do that. The so well shown.
I didn't read the preamble by the way and I got thqat you were talking about parents from:
something too small
about my invidious position |
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and the mention of
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 didau at 22:11 on 03 June 2010
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Hmm, I'll have to let this input brew and see what emerges. Thanks chaps
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