Pausing at the bottom of the stairs, a breath. Looking around and then up, slow steps and a stop, taking her shoes off, Helen sighs and what awaits is the bedroom and the quiet and this isn’t what she wants, something she shouldn’t have said but she did and Christina has gone.
One of those comments that came out all wrong and her hope that she hadn’t said it and the next moment, Christina just turns away and leaves.
At the bedroom door and looking at their bed, a look to her left, to the en suite and another hope that Christina would be there, her playful giggling, watching her brush her teeth. That hope is gone too. There’s no one there, just shadows.
Closing the curtains, putting her shoes in the wardrobe and seeing the empty spaces, the empty hangers where Christina’s clothes should be, no hope of seeing them, but what’s here is her black dress, leaving that, as if she’s telling her she doesn’t want it or her and so suddenly, how cruel this all feels.
Helen sits on their bed, reaching over, her hand touching her pillows, imagining her head there, and that brings a soft smile, Christina would never sleep there, always on Helen’s side, cuddled up to her and her breathing that was so soft, so wanted and as she unbuttons her blouse, like she can hear her voice, ’Are you coming to bed?’ and a sudden rush in getting their clothes off, to either make love or just hold each other and talk, soft sounds of their voices that seem so far away.
Turning off the lights, lying on their bed, the dark doesn’t hold any comfort, not now.

Sandra’s fingers follow the curve of her bra over her breasts, just touching her skin, a sudden and almost violent reaction as she steps back, her head dropping, refusing to look at her, ‘Christina…’
A shake of her head, and trying to turn away, Sandra quickly reaches out and grabs her arm, ‘Hey, what is it?’
A soft voice, ‘I can’t, I’m sorry.’
Sandra lets Christina’s arm go, ‘Oh and I thought you were up for this, so what’s wrong?’
Christina doesn’t look at her, reaching down for her top, ‘You’re not her.’
A laugh, ‘No, I’m not her, I’m me. So who the hell is she?’
Now Christina looks at her, her bright green eyes so startling, ‘She is Helen and you’ll never be anything like her.’
An angry sigh, Sandra adopting a hand on her hip stance and watching Christina pull her top on, ’Why don’t you just fuck off back to her then.’
Christina stops by the door, grabbing at her jacket, ‘I can’t. She doesn’t want me.’
‘I do, I want you!’
A slow shake of her head and opening the door, ‘I can’t, don’t you see, I’m hers, I can’t. I’m sorry.’
Sandra turns her back on her, ‘Were you playing a game with me?’
‘I had to find out, I had to know.’
‘Well now you do. Would it help if I changed my name?’
‘That’s not even remotely funny. I love Helen.’
‘Oh, really?’
Christina softly closes the door behind her.
A whisper as she starts down the stairs, ‘Yes…’

April 2010,
London…


Standing at the windows, Helen’s hand on the glass, her back to her desk and she closes her eyes, Christina, please…
A sudden jolt, a reply from her, leave me alone.
Don’t, I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to go.
Then you shouldn’t have said that!
I didn’t mean it, I shouldn’t have said that to you, please can’t we…
No Helen, I think you said too much.
I just want to…
Stop it, I told you, leave me alone!
Christina!
Nothing. The sound she heard has gone, what have I done?

Judy places the post on Helen’s desk, seeing her standing by the windows, ‘Helen?’ Softly spoken and perhaps, too soft, Judy says her name again, a little louder.
Helen turns and smiles at her, ‘Sorry, I was…’
‘Is there anything you need?’
A long drawn out sigh, a quick look down, ‘I would like Christina back, I don’t know what to do.’
‘Maybe if you called her, she might…’
Helen is shaking her head, ‘She’ll never forgive me for what I said. I was so stupid, I didn’t mean it.’
‘Would you mind if I asked you something?’
A bright smile, ‘Yes, of course.’
‘You do love her don’t you?’
A deep breath and she steps away from the windows, ’Love? I adore her and yet I did that to her, I made her go away and all I want is her… where did I go so wrong?’
Judy nervously turns for the door, having worked for Helen for almost two years, she’s never heard her talk like this, ’I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry.’
‘No, not you Judy, me.’
An awkward silence, Judy at the door, Helen at her desk. Judy smiles, ’Well, if there’s anything I can do.’
‘Thanks, I’ll let you know.’

September 2010,
London…

Closing the boot lid on her car, Helen turns, seeing the short blonde haired figure standing near the gate. A gasp and a step back, ’I’m going away.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘Have you come to say goodbye?’
‘No, we did that already, but you‘ll be back anyway.’
Helen smiles at her, ‘How do you know?’
Christina points to her forehead, ‘Sorry.’
‘I thought I asked you not to do that.’ Helen moves away from her car, towards the door, keeping her eyes on her.
‘Did you think I could just let you go?’
‘We haven’t seen each other in six months and you suddenly show up. Your timing’s a little off.’
‘Oh, do you think so?’
Helen stops at the front door, ‘Christina just stop it, okay? I don’t need this from you, it’s been tough enough.’
‘Yeah, it has. For both of us.’
‘Do you want to come in?’
‘Yeah, please.’
Stopping just inside the door, where they used to either share a kiss or a hug, only now they barely look at each other, Helen closing the door and leading Christina to the kitchen.
‘There’s some clothes of yours upstairs in the wardrobe, do you want to take them?’
‘Yeah, please. Could I borrow a bag?’
Helen laughs, ‘Haven’t we been here before?’
‘More than a year ago, when I first got out of hospital. We…’ Christina lets the rest of it go, there isn’t any need to bring that up.
Helen is smiling though, staring at the floor, ‘The first time we made love.’ Her voice isn’t aimed at her; voicing a memory, now she looks up at Christina standing by the worktop, like she’s done so many times before.
Helen switches the kettle on, ’Do you want to sit down?’
‘I’m not staying.’
‘I didn’t ask.’
Christina sits at her place at the table, and Helen sees her reading from one of her ‘Mog’ books, a subtle movement and seeing her lips move with her soft ‘Bother that cat!’ and a giggle and the book is gently placed on the table, always there, at that spot and although the table is clear now, Helen has put her books away, not in the library because Christina wouldn’t allow that, so the books are in what was their bedroom, Helen keeping them close by.
‘This is ridiculous…’ Christina’s whisper isn’t a whisper, Helen looks so sharply at her,
‘What did you say?’
‘You and me.’
Helen stands at the end of the table, ‘So what about you and me?’
‘The situation, Helen.’
The kettle boils and clicks off.
Helen grabs the last of the milk from the fridge, noisily closing the door, ’So how’s work?’
‘As bad as you can imagine it to be.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Christina picks at a place mat, ’Yeah, right…’
The milk is banged against the worktop, Helen suddenly turning towards her, ’Yes, I am sorry! I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for you to leave, I never meant to say what I did, is that enough apologies or would you like more?’
‘No, that’s more than enough, thank you.’
‘Are you hungry?’
Christina looks up at her as she places a mug in front of her, ‘No, no thank you.’
‘I have some..,’ a look towards the utility room, ’oh it doesn’t matter.’ Helen sits opposite with her tea, Christina smiles at her, ’Mark tells me your driving now.’
‘Yeah, I passed my test about four months ago. Arthur got me a Mini. It’s been fun.’
‘And work has been that bad?’
Christina puts her mug down, ’Tough…it’s been hard.’ Her fingers touch the pattern, her eyes looking at it.
‘You could come back and work for us again.’
‘Is that a joke?’
Helen shakes her head, ’Kate has been asking for you. She needs a researcher and she mentioned you.’
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’
‘Why not?’
‘You and me for a start.’ Christina sits back and crosses her legs.
‘Is that a problem?’
‘I’m not sure Brown and Ferrell is where I want to be. I’m happy enough where I am.’
‘That’s not what I’ve heard, anything but happy, Christina. The job is there if you want to talk to Kate.’
‘No.’
Helen picks up her mug, ‘Suit yourself.’
‘Yeah, I will. Working for BJC has been tough, but I’m getting there, it’s very different to what I did before.’ Christina finishes her tea, taking the mug to the sink.
Helen gets up and stands close to her, ‘Did you think that I could just stop loving you?’
A sharp look as Christina attempts to move away, Helen’s hand on her arm stops her, ’No, because I never did.’
‘Can’t we - ’
Christina pulls her arm away, and walks to the door, ’No Helen. Let me get my stuff and I’ll leave you alone.’
‘Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘What if I want you to stay, would you?’
‘So that we could hurt each other again?’ Christina shakes her head, ’No, I don’t think so.’
‘Christina…’ Helen’s voice has that soft tone about it, making Christina pause, ’turn around.’
She lets the door go and turns.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Helen, you’re going to miss your flight.’
‘So what! So bloody what! I’ll miss as many flights as I have to so we can sort this out.’
‘No. We won’t. Excuse me.’
‘Don’t you dare turn your back on me!’
Christina smiles, ’So what did you have in mind? Do you want me to tell you why we should be together?’
‘Yes, because I’m in love with you and I know you still love me. Six months hasn’t changed that, I shouldn’t have let you go.’
‘Ah, but you did.’
‘Well, I was wrong.’
Christina shrugs, ’Yeah, well, these things happen.’
‘How can you be so blasé about all of this? It’s like I mean nothing to you and I know that’s a lie.’
‘Helen, let me get my things and you can go. We’ve done enough, I think.’
Christina walks away, leaving Helen looking at an empty doorway.

Christina stops by the front door, a large bag over her shoulder, Helen walks up to her from the kitchen, ’I’ve got all my stuff so have a good holiday, oh and happy birthday.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Okay, right, that’s me then.’
‘Can I see you, when I get back?’
‘Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it.’
‘Christina…’
She opens the front door, ’Goodbye Helen.’
With that and a short walk away to her car, Christina is gone.
Helen wipes her eyes and pushes the door closed, it’s still there isn’t it…

The bedroom door is slightly ajar, Helen pushes it open and sees a pale yellow envelope on her pillow. She sits on the bed, looking at her name, Christina’s so neat handwriting, then opening the envelope, a simple birthday card, a single red rose on the front.
No message, just ’My love’ and signed, Christina.

(To be continued…)