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Unrestored
Posted: 26 May 2010
Word Count: 97
Summary: My first flash poetry entry...
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She turns her head sideways
revealing lost beauty and long founded pain.
And far beneath that lunar landscape,
among the stones of cheeks and bones,
etched with pale fire that dims and glows,
is the shadow of a man who lost his way in life
and left a legacy which sucks and bubbles
as it creeps, seeping, steeped in disappointment;
still thinking, as he dips his brush in idle thought,
that he can steam clean and peel away the grime;
scrape out the layers of care driven like dirt
deep into the seams and turn back time.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 12:53 on 27 May 2010
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I love the density of language here.
I'm not sure who the she and the he are though and so I'm not really making sense of it I think but maybe I'm just being dim. Is it abourt cleaning a painting? If so then bravo - it works though this line still confuses me
| is the shadow of a man who lost his way in life |
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The first two lines are enigmatic - a real hook for the reader.
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 Nella at 16:18 on 27 May 2010
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This is lovely, David. I enjoyed the language and rhythm - I particularly like the alliteration in this line:| as it creeps, seeping, steeped in disappointment; |
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There are a lot of those "ee" sounds, long vowels, which I find effective. Because there are so many long vowel sounds, I was a little surprised by , which for me didn't fit well into the sound scheme.
I can envision a painting here, but am a little intrigued/mystified by the | legacy which sucks and bubbles |
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Thanks for posting!
Robin
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didau at 21:15 on 27 May 2010
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Thanks chaps - lots of constructive stuff to consider...
It is about a 'painting' - not an actual one that I'm trying to describe, but am imagined one.
'She' is the subject of the painting, 'he' is the 'shadow' cast over 'her' life.
Hmmm, yes I know what you mean about 'sucks and bubbles'. I think it's important that it is jarring (or at last that's my excuse for it not fitting the sound scheme) but the idea was that this man's influence is toxic, corrosive and, like acid, has had a negative effect not only on the emotions of the painting's subject but also on their appearance.
Does that make sense?
David
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Nella at 09:07 on 28 May 2010
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Oh, yes, it does. Absoulutely.
I didn't mention before that I love the sound of these lines:
And far beneath that lunar landscape,
among the stones of cheeks and bones,
etched with pale fire that dims and glows,
is the shadow of a man who lost his way in life |
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Robin
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 FelixBenson at 18:41 on 29 May 2010
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This is very intense. And I love some of the language - and imagery.
Her face as a 'lunar landscape' is a wonderfully layered image...which fits so well with this intriguingly layered idea. It brings subject of the painting vividly to life...and gives a portrait of a very poetic relationship.
My only suggestion would be 'less is more' in these lines. I know what you are trying to do...but I think perhaps you don't need to overstate it.
and left a legacy which sucks and bubbles
as it creeps, seeping, steeped in disappointment; |
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A very ambitious poem. One to ponder, which I always enjoy.
Thanks, Kirsty
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 crowspark at 01:51 on 30 May 2010
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Hi David
This is beautiful on the ear. Yes, I agree that sucks and bubbles disturbed the flow a little.
Interestingly complex in that we have 3 people and an object. We see the woman through the eyes of the painter who also intuits the shadow of a man in her life. Then we consider the painting as an object that could be cleaned, as if a life could be
steam clean and peel away the grime;
scrape out the layers of care driven like dirt
deep into the seams and turn back time.
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Beautiful and effective.
Bill
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