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TORN SYNOPSIS (REVISED)

by Joella 

Posted: 24 May 2010
Word Count: 761
Summary: I have attempted to shorten the synopsis and would be grateful for any comments on its content and structure. Thank you!


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TORN SYNOPSIS

Life? What’s the point? The sentiment resonate deeply as Ben Field lay sprawled in a toxic stupor. Shadows and light translate into speculative imagery: the people, events, tragedy and bad blood, that’s disfigured his life. Now twenty-five, Ben is agonising over the loss of his son, but at sixteen, he’d longed for the companionship of a brother.
Ben’s father died when he was five. He grows up on his grandpa’s farm. They share a strong bond, he’s an accomplished rider, but longs for the affection of his mother. At school, Ben befriends, Nigerian born, Roxanne Mabula, and as her ‘knight in shining armour,’ falls prey to a racist gang led by Selby Smith and Vittorio Capilano. Cornered by Smith, forced to fight, Ben gives him a bloody nose, but his ‘victory’ will not go unpunished.
Eloise Maye, rivals Roxanne for Ben’s affection. They share a passionate embrace, she drives him crazy, but tragically confusing loyalty for love, Ben denies his true feelings. Eloise is wounded, but Ben, needing to atone for such shameful indiscretion, proposes to Roxanne. They are secretly engaged, but her sudden departure to Nigeria, leaves him heartbroken. Eloise is off to Finishing School in Switzerland. Ben rides to the station. Their farewell embrace is savoured, for no-one will ever kiss Ben with the sincerity and passion that she does. She keeps in touch, but there’s no word from Roxanne.
Cappy and unknown accomplice, attack Ben, leaving him naked and bleeding. Recovering from the trauma, Ben discovers Tod Fox hiding in the barn. Wanted by police, escaping a violent step father, he conceals his true identity and Ben offers him sanctuary. Cappy blows Tods cover, threatens to burn down Ben’s house. Tod protects Ben, but their friendship’s now in jeopardy. Tod walks away, despite Ben’s forgiveness, returning a week later, smeared in Cappy’s blood. Believing it was self defence, Ben bears false witness. Intrinsically connected, more like brother's than friends, they embark on a nightmare journey, a lesser friendship would not have endured.
Tortured by the Capilano mob, Ben finds Tod close to death on a railway line. He recovers, moves in with Ben, but his misfortune of crossing his stepfather, puts Tod in a coma. Ben keeps a bedside vigil, helps him through rehab. and the court cases that follow.
Tod possesses an innate artistic talent. He joins Ben at college, where his passion for painting nudes, brings him fortune and an affair with his teacher. Ben doesn’t approve. Tod says he’s a romantic fool, arguing Roxanne is a fantasy. Ben’s letters to Roxanne are returned, he lets go, making the summer of 1976, one of sun, sand and sex.
Eloise, model and Miss UK, comes to the farm. She declares her love, but Ben, shamed by his promiscuity, reserves his affection. She says her love is unconditional and asks him to kiss her. Finally he he listens to his heart - he’s always loved her. They get engaged, but curiously, after a couple of months, Eloise writes to break it off. Ben is distraught, more so, when the following year, she gives birth to a son, he believes is his.
Six years after Roxanne left, Ben spies her in a nightclub. Despite her protest, they go back to the farm. Disgusted by his infidelity, she’s marrying another. Ignoring Tod’s advice, her ‘white knight’ rides out to rescue her from a marriage of convenience. They live on the farm, marry when William’s born, but it proves to be no fairytale.
Tod’s diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. Ben takes it hard, Roxanne moves out, but Tod says they will live for every day. They ride, swim, go to the cove and spend time with William. Before Tod dies he tells Ben he has a son, asks that he be a father to him. ‘Future Dreams’ - an unfinished painting of a couple at the cove with three children, is left on an easel - Tod tells Ben his death is to be a new beginning. When, after Tod’s funeral, Roxanne takes William, claiming Ben’s not his biological father, he suffers a breakdown. The story turns full circle to the prologue. Eloise comes to the farm, Ben stunned to discover her son is Tod’s. She explains, says it was a mistake and begs Ben’s forgiveness. The painting - her leaving - everything’s now transparent. Loyalty and honour have been disposed in and unspeakable act of betrayal. Ben had deeply loved and trusted them both, but can he now find in his heart the compassion to forgive them?






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 22:38 on 25 May 2010  Report this post
TORN SYNOPSIS

Life? What’s the point?

It's good to inject a distinctive voice into a synopsis, but it's usually best not to pose questions to the agent.

The sentiment resonate deeply as Ben Field lay sprawled in a toxic stupor. Shadows and light translate into speculative imagery:


This is 'purple prose'. Keep it simple.
I didn't mention it earlier, but it is a cliche to have the main character lapse into a coma at the start of a novel, and then relive their life. So many writers use this plot device that the bar is set very high to make it work. Since you are editing the mss down, you might consider removing this part.

....Now twenty-five, Ben is agonising over the loss of his son, but at sixteen, he’d longed for the companionship of a brother. Ben’s father died when he was five. He grows up on his grandpa’s farm....


The character jumps from 25 to 16 to 5 in two short steps, with the result that the loss of his son and death of his father are treated perfunctorarily. Also 'loss' in this context implies death, so you're saying there were two deaths. Also, jumping to mentioning him at 5yrs old implies oyu have a chapter(s) detailing this stage in his life in the mss and the agent might wonder if it's necessary to go back that far. Probably best to cut to his school memories.


At school, Ben befriends, Nigerian born, Roxanne Mabula, and as her ‘knight in shining armour,’ falls prey to a racist gang led by Selby Smith and Vittorio Capilano. Cornered by Smith, forced to fight, Ben gives him a bloody nose, but his ‘victory’ will not go unpunished.


Avoid putting words or phrases in quotes in a synopsis. Delete 'knight in shining armour'.
Read the synopsis aloud to make sure it flows - I would replace the comma after Smith with an 'and'.
Avoid cliches in a synopsis - what do oyu mean by 'his victory will not go unpunished? Do you mean he's made a life-long enemy of Smith? - because that's what it implies.


Eloise Maye, rivals Roxanne for Ben’s affection. They share a passionate embrace, she drives him crazy, but tragically confusing loyalty for love, Ben denies his true feelings. Eloise is wounded, but Ben, needing to atone for such shameful indiscretion, proposes to Roxanne. They are secretly engaged, but her sudden departure to Nigeria, leaves him heartbroken. Eloise is off to Finishing School in Switzerland. Ben rides to the station. Their farewell embrace is savoured, for no-one will ever kiss Ben with the sincerity and passion that she does. She keeps in touch, but there’s no word from Roxanne.


The prose is not flowing very well. Eloise Maye is a rival for Ben's affections. (What does Ben feel about that? What does he feel about Roxanne?). You are cutting the sentences too short. The next one should read: They share a passionate embrace and she drives him crazy with desire., but that's sinking into cliche so the whole section needs rewriting.
Words like 'wounded', 'atone' and 'shameful indiscretion' don't work in a synopsis. the last sentence is cliche. Keep it simple.
Cull the commas.
'Ben rides to the station' - unnecessary detail.
Try to avoid reducing words in a synopsis by simply replacing connecting words with commas, and shortening sentences. The prose in a synopsis must flow so it's easy to read. Too short, and it's like a series of staccatto bursts.


Cappy and unknown accomplice, attack Ben, leaving him naked and bleeding.


Who is 'Cappy'? Don't make an agent go back to find out you are referring to Vittorio Capilano.
Cappy and an unknown accomplice attack Ben....
You've already mentioned Ben being attacked by this gang so this scene is repetition. When editing a mss look for repetition of scenes and scenarios and delete the weaker one of the two.


Recovering from the trauma, Ben discovers Tod Fox hiding in the barn. Wanted by police, escaping a violent step father, he conceals his true identity and Ben offers him sanctuary. Cappy blows Tods cover, threatens to burn down Ben’s house. Tod protects Ben, but their friendship’s now in jeopardy. Tod walks away, despite Ben’s forgiveness, returning a week later, smeared in Cappy’s blood. Believing it was self defence, Ben bears false witness. Intrinsically connected, more like brother's than friends, they embark on a nightmare journey, a lesser friendship would not have endured.


You've introduced 4 main secondary characters - Roxanne, Eloise, Cappy, grandpa - plus Smith. You have got rid of the two girls, and at this stage in the mss you are introducing a whole new secondary character, Tod. In the previous version of the synopsis you reveal that Tod was one of Ben's attackers, but here you skip over it with 'Cappy blows Tods cover', but neglect to make the point. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to introduce Tod in the same line as Smith and Cappy? I'm not convinced that Ben would not identify him as one of the gang earlier on. It's fine that Ben feels sorry for Tod and agrees to let him stay, but try to tell this from Ben's pov, ie, bring in here that he's always wanted a brother, and sees Tod in that role.


Tortured by the Capilano mob, Ben finds Tod close to death on a railway line. He recovers, moves in with Ben, but his misfortune of crossing his stepfather, puts Tod in a coma. Ben keeps a bedside vigil, helps him through rehab. and the court cases that follow.


Turn the first sentence round, because, as it stands it implies Ben's the one who's been tortured.
'misfortune of crossing his stepfather' - clarify.
This section is all about Tod which weakens the novel because it turns Ben into a passive narrator. It is also repeating scenarios - first Tod is attacked by his stepfather (ending up in the barn), then he's attacked by Cappy. Then he's attacked by Cappy's gang and ends up close to death. Then he's again attacked by his stepfather and ends up close to death. Pick one or two - the ones most relevant to Ben's story arc - otherwise it's too much.


Tod possesses an innate artistic talent. He joins Ben at college, where his passion for painting nudes, brings him fortune and an affair with his teacher. Ben doesn’t approve. Tod says he’s a romantic fool, arguing Roxanne is a fantasy. Ben’s letters to Roxanne are returned, he lets go, making the summer of 1976, one of sun, sand and sex.


This is Ben's story, so it's not necessary to detail Tod's life. It's enough to say Tod wins an Arts scholarship and joins Ben in College. As the long hot summer of 1976 approaches, Ben, is reluctant to let go of his dreams of marriage to Roxanne, but eventually gives in and embraces Tod's hedonistic lifestyle of sun, sand and sex.


Eloise, model and Miss UK, comes to the farm. She declares her love, but Ben, shamed by his promiscuity, reserves his affection. She says her love is unconditional and asks him to kiss her. Finally he he listens to his heart - he’s always loved her. They get engaged, but curiously, after a couple of months, Eloise writes to break it off. Ben is distraught, more so, when the following year, she gives birth to a son, he believes is his.


Farm? - we left Ben on the beach. Delete this unnecessary detail.
Rewrite to make this section flow better, and simplyfy it.
No need to say Eloise is a model and Miss UK - pick one or the other. Presumably Ben has seen her on TV and/or in the magazines?
Eloise returns and tells Ben she loves him. What does Ben think about this? Presumably he's flattered that someone so beautiful would want to go out with him, and even more so when she accepts his proposal?
'Curiously' - how does that translate into Ben's pov? Wouldn't he be more than just curious?


Six years after Roxanne left, Ben spies her in a nightclub. Despite her protest, they go back to the farm. Disgusted by his infidelity, she’s marrying another. Ignoring Tod’s advice, her ‘white knight’ rides out to rescue her from a marriage of convenience. They live on the farm, marry when William’s born, but it proves to be no fairytale.


Again, too clipped.
I read this as 'Six years after Eloise left....' so you need a different introduction to show it's a different woman.
'Despite her protest...' implies he's attacking her. Delete that sentence.
Delete disgusted by his infidelity' as that's from her pov, not Ben's.
Say Ben rescues her from a marriage of convenience. Not sure why Tod's advice carries any weight here, after all Tod used to be in the racist gang.
Delete 'they live on the farm'.
They have a son, William, but the marriage does not prove to be the fairytale Ben had imagined.


Tod’s diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. Ben takes it hard, Roxanne moves out, but Tod says they will live for every day. They ride, swim, go to the cove and spend time with William
.

This implies Ben and Tod are having a love affair. Cut out the detail.
What does Ben feel about Roxanne moving out?


Before Tod dies he tells Ben he has a son, asks that he be a father to him.


Who is it?

‘Future Dreams’ - an unfinished painting of a couple at the cove with three children, is left on an easel - Tod tells Ben his death is to be a new beginning.


Unnecessary detail, save it for the novel itself.

When, after Tod’s funeral, Roxanne takes William, claiming Ben’s not his biological father, he suffers a breakdown.


Are you implying that Ben thinks William is Tod's son? If so, say so.

The story turns full circle to the prologue. Eloise comes to the farm, Ben stunned to discover her son is Tod’s. She explains, says it was a mistake and begs Ben’s forgiveness.


Does he forgive her?
What about William?

The painting - her leaving - everything’s now transparent.


delete.

Loyalty and honour have been disposed in and unspeakable act of betrayal.


I know what oyu're getting at, but, as it's written, this sentence doesn't make sense. Simplify.

Ben had deeply loved and trusted them both, but can he now find in his heart the compassion to forgive them?


'both' - who?
Don't ask the Agent questions, the synopsis is supposed to be giving them answers.



- NaomiM

<Added>

Just to add, after the mention of Ben's parents in the opening, I would have expected a return to the subject in the middle section of the mss, but instead you tell Tod's action-packed story. The risk is the agent will wonder why Tod is not the mc, rather than Ben.

Whippet at 20:29 on 27 May 2010  Report this post
I have just suffered writing my own synopsis, and so I know how difficult it is but..

It does give you a chance to consider your plot in an a far more objective way, and look at the structure.I ended up seeing the synopsis as a fresh opportunity to create my best version of the story/play God with the plot to get the most interesting/satisfactory narrative. I don't usually stand back that far from my writing and view the overall plan and I did find it helpful (but horrible!).

Just one point that really struck me: Tod seems to be the most loved/romantic character from the viewpoint of Ben and perhaps the author. Is Ben a low-key narrator viewing his more glamorous/talented friend? And I found the Eloise/Roxanna characters difficult to sort out/identify because they both seem at various points to take on the soul-mate role. I know it is very possible to look back and sort it out, but perhaps the way you describe/deal with them needs to be more distinctive.

Jude

Joella at 20:21 on 28 May 2010  Report this post
Hello Naomi and Jude

Thank you both for taking the time to read and comment. You've both given me things to think about. Naomi, I'm going to reconsider the method of introducing the story - semi conscious stupor. Would a reference to a past event
( fight with Selby Smith ) noted in his 1974 diary, be better? Story would then begin:

February 3rd- 3.45pm
.............

I hope get back to you with an alternative synopsis, but I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it's a hopeless task...!

Is there a forum where I could get some advice on the writing of a letter to an agent? Examples anywhere?

Many thanks and kind regards, Joella.

Joella at 22:19 on 28 May 2010  Report this post
Okay. Thanks Naomi. I'll give it a go.

Regards, Joella.

Whippet at 20:45 on 29 May 2010  Report this post
Joella

One other thing I meant to say is that I took the advice of someone on here, can't remember who - sorry - more literally than they intended and it really helped me with the tone of the synpopsis.

Whoever it was, said to imagine that your main character was telling the story, to get the voice distinctive. In the end I actually wrote the synopsis in the first person (my novel is a first person narrative) and then changed it back to third person while keeping the character of the language. It really helped for some of the bits I was struggling with.

And I took 4 gruelling goes to get anywhere and I did find it disheartening and remarkably difficult!

Jude

NMott at 20:52 on 29 May 2010  Report this post
Writing a synopsis is the equivalent of pulling teeth without anaesthetic. I hate it when I have to do mine, and I make exactly the same mistakes as everyone else!

- NaomiM

Whippet at 17:10 on 30 May 2010  Report this post
But it's wonderful when you've done it!

Jude

Joella at 18:04 on 30 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Naomi and Jude

I really appreciate your encouragement. I feel I've taken too much of your time and am not really sure I deserve it. All I can say is that I do listen - I am listening to you and will endeavour to get this to an acceptable level. It's never going to be good, but if you think the next edition is better - acceptable even, I will be delighted.

Jude, you have a good point about the voice of the MC and also, you're right that I am very fond of Tod.

I know you'll both be honest, so if my next synopsis is no better - worse even, I need to know.

Just one question:

Does the synopsis have to start as the story does - Ben drowning his sorrows, or could it begin ....

'Ben Field was five when his father died ...... ' ?


Thank you and kindest regards, Joella.

NMott at 18:40 on 30 May 2010  Report this post
It takes as long as it takes, Joella, so don't worry about that.

As for where to start, I'd start with Ben having to defend Roxanne Mabula against the racist bullies. If you can kick off with a line that gives a character sketch of Ben at this stage, to show he's oyur main protagonist, then so much the better.
You say the drunken stupor is a prologue, which the agent will read along with the first three chapters, so you don't need to mention that. Also, do you really start with 5yr old Ben in oyur opening chapter? If so I'd suggest cutting that out and starting with him at school.



- NaomiM

<Added>

...Ben's parents only get a passing mention in the synopsis so I wouldn't bother mentioning them at all. Tbh, I'm not even sure it's worth mentioning that he lives with his grandpa since it's his peers - the 2 girls, Tod and the gang - who are the main characters here. Ben's Grandpa and his parents are sub-plots, and sub-plots don't need mentioning.

<Added>

In the one line introduction to ben you could simply say he's an only child - or an orphan, brought up by his grandpa - and has always wanted a brother.

<Added>

Just checked out oyur chapter one, and it does start at school, so that's fine, start the synopsis there.

<Added>

Also, start off by mentioning it's the '70s, rather than leave it to the summer of 1976.

LPOB at 06:20 on 06 June 2010  Report this post
Hi,

I know you've probably heard too much about the synopsis already, but I just wanted to add some small items.

I would like to see a little indication of place. Is this set in London or somewhere else?

I would start with the action too. The fight scene or love scene and not explain everything at the beginning.

Good luck with the edits.

LP

NMott at 07:42 on 06 June 2010  Report this post
I would like to see a little indication of place. Is this set in London or somewhere else?


That is a very good point, LP.



- NaomiM

Joella at 12:47 on 08 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Naomi and Laurence,

thanks for the crits. I've taken your comments on board and will have another go. I'll try to start with the action and mention Dorset. Naomi, there's no detail of Ben's early life. Brief mention of things he did with his grandpa and that's it. I'll make sure I play on the fact he wanted a brother because that's an important point.

All I can say now is - I'll be back .......

Kindest regards, Joella.


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