Work The angles 2nd Synopsis
Posted: 21 May 2010 Word Count: 565
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Work The Angles by David Mayer
Chris Calder feels that life as an underpaid theatre technician is going nowhere. Ex-con Tony O’Brien makes him a proposition: they will steal £200,000, drugs money which O’Brien’s employer, Jimmy McIntire, an old-school villain, regularly delivers to the suburban home of a crooked accountant. Looking the house over, O’Brien crosses swords with Jack Conway, the accountant’s bodyguard, also plans to steal the next money drop.
Chris’s night out with O’Brien and drinking buddy, Rich, ends with O’Brien pulling a gun on hapless associate, Joe, outside a pub. O’Brien then learns that he is to be replaced as McIntire’s driver. The robbery must take place before the money moves elsewhere, but it seems Rich has walked off with the gun. They attempt to buy a replacement, but instead have to drive to the accountant’s house armed only with a convincing but harmless deactivated gun, Chris unaware that bodyguard Conway may be lying in wait.
During the robbery, O’Brien and Conway clash and Felix the accountant is killed by a stray shot. Chris suspects that O’Brien, now armed with Conway’s gun, intends to kill him in order to remove a witness to Felix’s killing. Chris is unarmed, but realises where Rich has put the gun. When they arrive at O’Brien’s flat, Chris retrieves the gun and shoots O’Brien dead.
Chris plans a new life with the proceeds of the robbery, although fearful of arrest and troubled by remorse over O’Brien’s death. Felix’s bodyguard Jack Conway’s pursuit of information about the robbery leads him to Chris. Seeing him depositing a bundle of cash in a night safe convinces Conway that Chris is his quarry. A crooked private investigator is also on Chris’s trail, employed by Jimmy McIntire, who wants his money and retribution.
Hoping to rip off McIntire’s next drug consignment, Rob Ellis, an ambitious small-time criminal, spies on McIntire’s meeting with Ernesto Calda, local businessman and cocaine cartel overlord, at a private party in a Colombian restaurant. Ellis falls for Cristina, who he discovers is Calda’s daughter.
Ellis finds himself caught between McIntire and Calda when the Colombians latest cocaine shipment is seized in a customs raid. Suspicious that McIntire might be an informant, Calda persuades McIntire to use one of his men as his personal driver. Calda’s henchman palms the job off to Rob Ellis, now courting Cristina. Ellis agrees, reporting on McIntire’s movements to Calda’s organisation.
Chris, anxious that, Joe, O’Brien’s associate might suspect him, goes into hiding, unsuccessfully pursued by Jack Conway. Conway suggests that Joe arranges a meeting to attempt to blackmail Chris. Conway lies in wait outside, hoping to follow Chris to the money, but is fooled into pursuing Joe instead. Chris leaves the meeting, observed by the private investigator and O’Brien’s drinking buddy, Rich, who confirms that he saw Chris with O’Brien the night before the robbery.
Chris is seized by McIntire and his men and bundled, along with the stolen money, into a car driven by Rob Ellis. They find themselves in a trap, their car boxed in on a narrow side street. Gunmen, under orders from Calda, execute McIntire, suspected police informant, then leave with accomplice Rob Ellis.
Unscathed but dazed, Chris flees scene as the police arrive, realizing too late that he has left the money inside the car. Walking on with a sense of unreality, he reflects on what has happened.
Comments by other Members
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NMott at 00:58 on 22 May 2010
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Hi, Good to see you're back with another version. I'll take it through a bit at a time like last time.
Synopsis - Work The Angles - put Synopsis in the title so the agent can see at a glance if they've found the right page.
Chris Calder feels that life as an underpaid theatre technician is going nowhere. Ex-con Tony O’Brien makes him a proposition: they will steal £200,000, drugs money which O’Brien’s employer, Jimmy McIntire, an old-school villain, regularly delivers to the suburban home of a crooked accountant. Looking the house over, O’Brien crosses swords with Jack Conway, the accountant’s bodyguard, also plans to steal the next money drop. |
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'they will steal' - a little clunky. Maybe 'the theft of'.
Delete 'old school villain' as it's enough to know he's a drugs dealer.
Also delete 'suburban' as it's unnecessary.
regularly delivers to the suburban home of a crooked accountant - As it's currently written the line implies that McIntire delivers it personally, which contradicts the folllowing sentence.
Maybe: - regularly has delivered to the home of his crooked accountant.
Looking the house over, O’Brien crosses swords with Jack Conway, the accountant’s bodyguard, who also plans to steal the next money drop.
- You've switched to O'Brien's pov here, which implies that Chris Calder is not in the scene. Who is the main character(s) in this novel, because this pov change implies you now have at least two - Chris and O'Brien.
The line is summarising a scene, but it's not made clear why the scene is important enough to be mentioned in the synopsis. It is foreshadowing problems which are likely to crop up when they actually carry out the heist - the risk is it'll kill any suspense when you actually carry out the robbery because the reader will guess at what's coming next, so it's usually best not to repeat scenarios, but to simply go ahead and carry out the robbery.
Chris’s night out with O’Brien and drinking buddy, Rich, ends with O’Brien pulling a gun on hapless associate, Joe, outside a pub. O’Brien then learns that he is to be replaced as McIntire’s driver. The robbery must take place before the money moves elsewhere, but it seems Rich has walked off with the gun. They attempt to buy a replacement, but instead have to drive to the accountant’s house armed only with a convincing but harmless deactivated gun, Chris unaware that bodyguard Conway may be lying in wait. |
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The first sentence mentions 4 characters, so the point you are trying to make is lost. Why is this scene important to Chris or O'Brien. You lead with O'Brien in the following sentence, so presumably he is the main character in the novel, and not Chris. It's best not to have 2 or more pov characters in a scene.
It was not clarified in the opening paragraph that O'Brien was McIntyre's driver, so the plot is starting to unravel here. When you say "O’Brien then learns that he is to be replaced as McIntire’s driver" it poses the questions "Why was he casing the Accountant's house? Why not steal the money when he's making the drop off? Why does it matter if he's the driver or not, if they are robbing the house?" - these are the sorts of questions which oyu want to avoid in a synopsis because they point at problems in the plot structure.
'Rich has walked off with the gun' - this is a poor plot device for losing a gun in a thriller. It would work if this is a humorous (comedy of errors), character-driven, novel (eg, Lad-lit - cf. Ben Elton), and it's been done to set up a joke with the deactivated gun, but you're selling it as a multi-pov, plot-driven thriller, so it can't be both. If you want to play the humour angle it would be best to have these scenes from Chris's pov, rather than both Chris and O'Brien. I'm going to carry on on the assumption that this is a plot driven thriller, but it's sounding more like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. If this is a humorous novel, where you've set up numerous pratfalls, then it would be best to write a humorous blurb-style synopsis from Chris's pov.
"Chris unaware that bodyguard Conway may be lying in wait" - Chris may not be, but it's no surprise to the reader, since you've already forewarned them with the earlier scene with O'Brien and Conway.
During the robbery, O’Brien and Conway clash and Felix the accountant is killed by a stray shot. Chris suspects that O’Brien, now armed with Conway’s gun, intends to kill him in order to remove a witness to Felix’s killing. Chris is unarmed, but realises where Rich has put the gun. When they arrive at O’Brien’s flat, Chris retrieves the gun and shoots O’Brien dead. |
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There is no suspense if your character kills the character who's meant to be chasing him through the rest of the novel.
'realises where Rich has put the gun' is a minor detail and poses the question of why have Rich take it in the first place? This whole set up with the guns changing hands so the reader's not sure who has the deactivated one is worthy of a comedy, but not a thriller. Also, shooting a man dead is out of character for someone like Chris.
Chris plans a new life with the proceeds of the robbery, although fearful of arrest and troubled by remorse over O’Brien’s death. |
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I would think the other thing Chris would be fearful of is revenge from McIntyre for stealing his money.
Felix’s bodyguard Jack Conway’s pursuit of information about the robbery leads him to Chris. Seeing him depositing a bundle of cash in a night safe convinces Conway that Chris is his quarry. |
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Conway was at the robbery, so I shouldn't think he needs to do much investigation to link Chris to the crime. Again, you've swapped to another pov - Conway's - which points to a structural mistake in the novel; this should still be from Chris's pov.
A crooked private investigator is also on Chris’s trail, employed by Jimmy McIntire, who wants his money and retribution |
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- This implies you have a new pov character, ie, the investigator's. It should be obvious to Chris that McIntyre will send someone after him, so this should be from Chris's pov, to say what tips him off that Conway and the Investigator are on his tail. And what does he do about it?
Hoping to rip off McIntire’s next drug consignment, Rob Ellis, an ambitious small-time criminal, spies on McIntire’s meeting with Ernesto Calda, local businessman and cocaine cartel overlord, at a private party in a Colombian restaurant. Ellis falls for Cristina, who he discovers is Calda’s daughter.
Ellis finds himself caught between McIntire and Calda when the Colombians latest cocaine shipment is seized in a customs raid. Suspicious that McIntire might be an informant, Calda persuades McIntire to use one of his men as his personal driver. Calda’s henchman palms the job off to Rob Ellis, now courting Cristina. Ellis agrees, reporting on McIntire’s movements to Calda’s organisation. |
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Although I advised amalgamating the Rob and Chris sections, I think this section with Rob needs to be moved up a bit - maybe to the section after the Chris and O'Brien rob the accountant.
The first paragraph implies they are in Columbia. There is a big difference between a robbery in, (I'm assuming), London, and part of the novel that is set half way round the world.
You describe Rob as an "ambitious small-time criminal" who is made McIntyre's driver, so what makes him different from "Ex-con" O'Brien, who was McIntyre's driver? Both plan to rob McIntyre. You risk repeating character types and scenarios.
As it stands it reads like a separate novel (a gritty thriller) within the novel (Lad-lit humour).
Chris, anxious that, Joe, O’Brien’s associate might suspect him, goes into hiding, unsuccessfully pursued by Jack Conway. |
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You've already said he's running from the police, (Conway & investigator), so most of this is repetition. The point is he goes into hiding. There is no good reason why Joe would be after him, and he wouldn't need Joe after him if he hadn't killed O'Brien, he could simply have O'Brien after him.
Conway suggests that Joe arranges a meeting to attempt to blackmail Chris. Conway lies in wait outside, hoping to follow Chris to the money, but is fooled into pursuing Joe instead. Chris leaves the meeting, observed by the private investigator and O’Brien’s drinking buddy, Rich, who confirms that he saw Chris with O’Brien the night before the robbery. |
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This is just scene summaries, and with the pov switches is far too confusing. Basically a lot of bad guys are chasing Chris, who has gone into hiding. We don't need to know the detail.
Chris is seized by McIntire and his men and bundled, along with the stolen money, into a car driven by Rob Ellis. They find themselves in a trap, their car boxed in on a narrow side street. Gunmen, under orders from Calda, execute McIntire, suspected police informant, then leave with accomplice Rob Ellis. |
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The earlier sections of Rob's story and the Columbians is unnecessary.
Again these are scene summaries. They may work in a movie script, but I can't see it working in a novel.
Unscathed but dazed, Chris flees scene as the police arrive, realizing too late that he has left the money inside the car. Walking on with a sense of unreality, he reflects on what has happened. |
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Not a convincing ending for a thriller.
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You need to sort out what genre this novel sits in - Humorours Lad-lit? Or gritty thriller?
If it's Lad-lit then write the whole thing from Chris's pov and make it read more like a back-cover blurb. Also have Chris's thorughs and feelings in the synopsis - what does he think of the other characters? What does he think of this mess he's gotten himself into?
If it's a thriller then the plot needs a lot of tightening up to make it logical, and so, eg, you're not relying on minor characters walking off with guns. It also needs to be longer, and with a better ending, and tie up the other characters stories - eg, Rob, Conway and the investigator are left in limbo.
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penpusher at 16:11 on 22 May 2010
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Hi David
There's not much to add to Naomi's constructive response!
Having read this through just once, as an editor would, I was quite confused by who is who and wasn't certain who is meant to be the main character.
Also I found it difficult to follow the storyline.
I should think it was really difficult to condense so much information into so few words and I wonder whether some of the minor details and characters could be left out so that you can concentrate on making the plot clearer and building up suspense.
Walking on with a sense of unreality, he reflects on what has happened. |
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I would feel a bit cheated by this ending. It is rather like the old chestnut of waking up and finding out that it was all a dream.
Hope this helps
Good luck
PP
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NMott at 17:43 on 22 May 2010
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Ok, lets go through again, boiling it down to it's salient points:
Chris Calder feels that life as an underpaid theatre technician is going nowhere. |
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Is this enough reason to turn him to crime? It's certainly not enough to turn him to murder. A stronger motivation would be that he's desperate for the money for something.
Ex-con Tony O’Brien makes him a proposition: they will steal £200,000, drugs money which O’Brien’s employer, Jimmy McIntire, an old-school villain, regularly delivers to the suburban home of a crooked accountant. |
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Bar a few tweeks to reduce unnecessary words this is ok.
Looking the house over, O’Brien crosses swords with Jack Conway, the accountant’s bodyguard, also plans to steal the next money drop. |
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This is going to be an added complication for the robbery, but best not to mention it at this stage in the novel. Move it to your story notes and bring it back out when the robbery is actually underway.
Chris’s night out with O’Brien and drinking buddy, Rich, ends with O’Brien pulling a gun on hapless associate, Joe, outside a pub. O’Brien then learns that he is to be replaced as McIntire’s driver. The robbery must take place before the money moves elsewhere, but it seems Rich has walked off with the gun. They attempt to buy a replacement, but instead have to drive to the accountant’s house armed only with a convincing but harmless deactivated gun, |
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Unnecessary detail in the synopsis. Delete.
Chris unaware that bodyguard Conway may be lying in wait. |
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Ok, this is where you bring the Conway complication back in. Maybe add something about how Chris feels about the robbery.
During the robbery, O’Brien and Conway clash and Felix the accountant is killed by a stray shot. |
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Introduce Conway - The robbery turns sdour when, O'Brien and the accuntant's bodyguard, Conway, clash, and the accountant is accidentally shot dead.
Chris suspects that O’Brien, now armed with Conway’s gun, intends to kill him in order to remove a witness to Felix’s killing. Chris is unarmed, but realises where Rich has put the gun. When they arrive at O’Brien’s flat, Chris retrieves the gun and shoots O’Brien dead. |
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Ok, no point in Chris shooting O'Brien dead - it's against character, unless it was a struggle and an accident. But since most thriller writers would pile the pressure on the main character by setting up a number of people chasing him, it's best to keep O'Brien alive. (certainly no point in replacing O'Brien with one of his mates so as to chase Chris).
So, Chris fears O'Brien will kill him in order to remove a witness to the accountant's murder.
Maybe the original plan was that Chris would leave the house first with the cash, while O'Brien kept Conway busy, and they'd divi it up later. However, if Chris hears O'Brien has killed the accountant and has cause to fear for his own life, then he's not going to agree to meet O'Brien and risk getting himself shot, so he plays the coward's card and goes into hiding. Maybe he uses a go-between to give O'Brien his half of the cash, and the guy double crosses O'Brien so O'Brien now comes after Chris for Chris's share.
Chris plans a new life with the proceeds of the robbery, although fearful of arrest and troubled by remorse over O’Brien’s death. Felix’s bodyguard Jack Conway’s pursuit of information about the robbery leads him to Chris. Seeing him depositing a bundle of cash in a night safe convinces Conway that Chris is his quarry. A crooked private investigator is also on Chris’s trail, employed by Jimmy McIntire, who wants his money and retribution. |
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Simplify: Chris plans for a new life with the proceeds from the robbery have already been put in jeopardy by having the police and O'Brien on his tail (Conway can be tailing O'Brien), but now he fears a private investigator, hired by drugs boss, McIntyre, is also searching for him.
Hoping to rip off McIntire’s next drug consignment, Rob Ellis, an ambitious small-time criminal, spies on McIntire’s meeting with Ernesto Calda, local businessman and cocaine cartel overlord, at a private party in a Colombian restaurant. Ellis falls for Cristina, who he discovers is Calda’s daughter. |
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Ambitious small-time criminal, Rob Ellis, plans to rip off McIntire’s next drug consignment. He worms his way into the organisation by dating McIntyre's daughter. Delete the rest.
You're going to need some connection between Chris and Rob to tie in this plot strand. Maybe Chris tries to negotiate a settlement with McIntyre by calling in a favour with old school friend Rob, who's dating McIntyre's daughter, unaware that Rob has plans of his own, to rob the drugs boss.
Then you need some way in which Rob sees Chris as an opportunity to carry out his plan.
Ellis finds himself caught between McIntire and Calda when the Colombians latest cocaine shipment is seized in a customs raid. Suspicious that McIntire might be an informant, Calda persuades McIntire to use one of his men as his personal driver. Calda’s henchman palms the job off to Rob Ellis, now courting Cristina. Ellis agrees, reporting on McIntire’s movements to Calda’s organisation. |
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No point in complicating this with the motivations of minor characters - unless they are being bent by the will of one of your main players. Also, not convinced the Ellis/Calda plot works because you're using it simply to explain McIntyre's death in the denoument. Maybe Calda looks on Ellis as a trusted son-in-law and has promised Ellis can take over McIntyre's drugs empire if he gets rid of McIntyre?
Maybe, Rob seeds suspicion within the organisation that there is an informant, so that when he steals the next drugs shipment he can make it look as though someone's tipped off customs, and it's been confiscated in a customs raid. Maybe he gets Chris and some of O'Brien's associates to act as customs agents to carry out the raid - after all, Chris has worked in the Theatre and could have access to costumes.
Chris, anxious that, Joe, O’Brien’s associate might suspect him, goes into hiding, unsuccessfully pursued by Jack Conway. Conway suggests that Joe arranges a meeting to attempt to blackmail Chris. Conway lies in wait outside, hoping to follow Chris to the money, but is fooled into pursuing Joe instead. Chris leaves the meeting, observed by the private investigator and O’Brien’s drinking buddy, Rich, who confirms that he saw Chris with O’Brien the night before the robbery. |
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This is just repetition. Chris is still on the run, persured by (O'Brien), Conway (indirectly, because he's after O'Brien), and McIntyre's investigator. Now you need Chris to be found by either one or both so as to wrap up the Conway and O'Brien threads. Chris escapes with his money, but there's still the Investigator who reports his whereabouts to McIntyre.
Chris is seized by McIntire and his men and bundled, along with the stolen money, into a car driven by Rob Ellis. They find themselves in a trap, their car boxed in on a narrow side street. Gunmen, under orders from Calda, execute McIntire, suspected police informant, then leave with accomplice Rob Ellis. |
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Chris, thiking he's safe, having escaped O'Brien and Conway, is caught by McIntyre (Maybe Ellis double crossed him). But Calda has taken out a hit on McIntyre because of the loss of the drugs shipment, and because he hasn't been paid the £200K stolen by Chris and O'Brien. Maybe it's Ellis who shoots McIntyre and the investigator in the back of the car, leaving Chris unscathed. Drops him off, but without the money, and Chris, older and wiser, is back where he started.
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ps, I swapped Ellis's dating to McIntyre's daughter because there's no reason to set part of this in Columbia. If you want him dating Calda's daughter you'd need him to be Columbian, working for Calda - maybe accompanying the shipment to the UK.
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Maybe swap O'Brien and Rob round, so it's Rob (ex-schoolfriend) who first approaches Chris, looking for costunes for the drugs heist. Chris wrangles a role - for the money and excitement. Rob uses O'Brien and his gang to make up the numbers. O'Brien then ropes Chris in for his robbery of the accountant, and that's where things start to go wrong for Chris...
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Also, Conway could be working for Calda - maybe he was there to get paid for the drugs shipment. Or he works for McIntyre, keeping an eye on the accountant, so you don't need a separate investigator.
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Cornelia at 08:24 on 23 May 2010
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The last line about Chris walking off, as if into the sunset indicates you see this as a film. It's the kind of crime thriller that' s familiar territory to me as I go to the cinema a lot.All the Mcguffin seems plausible and I can see myself going to see this, or maybe read it - I'm a member of a crime reading group.
What I'm missing is a sense of place and character, especially Chris.
Does Chris work in a big West End theatre or a small provincial town? You mention suburbs so it may be a city, but which one? What about his workmates? Unless you're going to exploit the location he might as well work in a cafe or a garage.As someone involved in theatre, I was hoping for more, maybe the contrast of back-stage luvvies banter with downmarket villains and their concerns
Chris may be underpaid but that that doesn't mean he'sd resort to robbery in the 'as you do' way that's presented here.
I want to know why he's drinking with a petty criminals like O'Brien . How old is he? Where's his girl-friend/wife/family? Is he an alcoholic or does he have a gambling problem to support? if he's an outsider, why? You can't include everything, but I meed more than the bare bones. e need a reason to like/sympathise with him to keep us reading.
Ages are important. Is it his youth and inexperience that makes Chris an easy dupe/henchman for Jim McIntire? Wouldn't McIntire want someone more experienced for such a dangerous job? I know it's not Ocean's Eleven but there has to be a reason to pick him.
With only an outline of the action and characters names,it's diffcult or a reader to sustain interest. I agree it;s hard to tell who's who and the change in pov at the end of the first paragraph is confusing. (The sentence should start a new paragraph )if you could see the people and places on film identification wouldn't be a problem, You need to give a reader more to go on.
Maybe this would be better as a screenplay, but even then you'd need to indicate age and appearance of characters, and give some idea of background locations.You've worked out the plot well but need to work on the other aspects.
Sheila
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DMayer at 11:30 on 23 May 2010
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Thanks to all for your comments
Naomi - I will give serious thought to all your suggestions for the synopsis before attempting another version, and your comments about the story in general. Thanks.
Cornelia - the answers to some of your questions are in the book, I hope, but I'm discovering how difficult it is to summarise a novel in 500 words. From my researches I've found that theatre technicians seem to be a lot more 'techy' than luvvish - they do love their fresnels and panels of sliders and hitting things with hammers - there's scene describing a 'get-out' where they pack up at the end of a show. Chris has fallen into this line of work and is tired of it - he always wanted to be a photographer, and hopes to use the money to change direction. He's 30, and worried his life isn't going anywhere - O'Brien is much older, and as a career criminal Chris is out of his depth mixing with him. The book is set in London, and a lot of legwork went into researching locations, but even fitting in the word 'London' into 500 words is tough, but I will reinstate it, I think.
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NMott at 11:33 on 23 May 2010
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As Cornelia says, it would be better as a screenplay. Her questions are also relevant, especially if you go the Lad-lit route, where the emphasis is on a character-driven story, ie, who is Chris and what makes him do what he does, his motivations as well as outside pressure from his friends and associates.
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When reducing it to 500 words it's important to justify the chapters' positions in the novel, rather than simply summarise the action.
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LPOB at 09:13 on 06 June 2010
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Hi,
I agree with all the other comments.
I also wonder if you want Chris to be disliked by readers. I can understand someone getting dragged into a wild scheme, especially if their role was supposed to be minimal, but murder changes a lot of things.
I also found it hard to work out where this story is going. Is there a journey to self discovery in here at all? Or is it just a story about hiding from your fate?
All the best with the next version!
LP
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