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New Start

by LMJT 

Posted: 15 May 2010
Word Count: 644
Summary: For this week's 'Change of Scenery' challenge. Thanks!


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‘At last,’ Marcia announced, rolling her eyes as she opened the door to Helen. ‘I thought you’d got lost. You could have called.’

‘I had to get petrol,’ Helen said. ‘I came as quick as I could.’

‘Ignore her,’ John said as he took Helen’s coat. ‘She’s just stroppy because the babysitter cancelled. Thanks so much for this, Helen. You’re doing us a real favour.’

‘I’m not a baby,’ Zac called from the front room. ‘I’m 14. I don’t need a sitter.’

Marcia mimed strangulation and Helen blinked in response.

Zac was John’s son from a previous marriage and she had met him only twice before; both times he’d been engrossed in a book and barely even acknowledged her.

‘It’ll be nice for you two to get to know each other,’ Marcia had said on the phone earlier. ‘Now that you’re down here for good, I mean.’

‘I don’t know, Marcia. I-,’

‘Helen, please. I’m asking you one favour.’ She sighed.

‘Who was always there for you when you were getting divorced?’

‘I never rang you-,’

‘Oh, Helen, let’s not split hairs. Can you be here for seven?’

Now, Marcia glanced pointedly at her Gucci watch. ‘Look, we need to go. We’re late already. Help yourself to anything in the fridge, Hel.’ Her eyes dipped to Helen’s waistband which, Helen knew, had expanded in the couple of months since they’d seen one another. ‘I got a Weight Watchers ready meal in especially.’

Catching Helen’s eye, John shook his head and mouthed, ‘Sorry.’

‘Come on John,’ Marcia called from the driveway. ‘Christ, it’s like pushing a car up a hill getting you out of the house.’

Zac was on the sofa with a thick paperback when Helen walked into the living room feeling like an intruder.

‘Hi,’ she said.

‘Oh, hi.’ Zac’s eyes flicked up for a second, then back down to his book.

Deciding that proximity might not be welcomed, Helen took a seat in the armchair beside the sofa and took the Harlan Coben thriller she was reading from her handbag. As she did so, she noticed Zac’s glance in the corner of her eye.

‘I can’t believe you’re reading that,’ he said, holding up his book to show her the cover.

Helen laughed. ‘Snap,’ she said, pressing her copy against his.

‘Snap.’ Zac smiled. ‘How far are you?’

Helen tipped the book to show him her bookmarked place.

‘Have you got to the bit in the lighthouse yet?’

Helen nodded. ‘Did you think it was going to be her?’

‘No way. And the bit on the train? With the woman in the wig?’

‘Didn't see that coming.’

‘Nor me,’ Zac said. Then, ‘Have you read any of his other books?’

‘Most of them.’

Zac laughed. ‘That’s hilarious.’

Is it? Helen wanted to ask. Why? But she thought it best not to court conflict.

‘Morticia thinks books like this are trash,’ Zac said.

Helen frowned. Morticia?

‘Oh, Marcia!’

She let out a laugh, then covered her mouth with her hand.

‘Sorry,’ Zac said. ‘I shouldn't have said that. It wasn’t very nice.’

Helen cleared her throat. ‘No, it wasn’t very nice. But stepmothers have a history of being a little unpopular.’

Zac placed his book down on the glass coffee table in front of them. ‘How come I haven’t met you more often?’

‘Well, mostly because I was living in Edinburgh. And you’re down here in Cornwall.’

‘Aren’t you and Marcia close?’

Helen smiled. ‘I feel like I’m being interrogated,’ she said teasingly.

Zac flushed red. ‘Sorry,’ he said, picking up his book again. ‘Dad always says I ask too many questions.’

‘No, it’s okay,’ Helen said. ‘We haven’t always been close, but now I’m down here, maybe things will change.’

Zac considered this for a moment. ‘I’d like that.’

Helen smiled. ‘Me too,’ she said. ‘I think I’d like that a lot.’









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Comments by other Members



tusker at 06:44 on 16 May 2010  Report this post
I could strangle Marcia. What a bitch!

Enjoyed this, Liam. Great dialogue and tense atmosphere.

I gathered they were sisters as I read on and, like Brian, perhaps it could be made clearer in the beginning.

But this doesn't take away the conflict running through this.

Helen and Zac are going to be friends and conspirators, I think, and as Brian says, this could lead on to a longer story which you might consider sending to a woman's magazine such as My Weekly.

Perhaps a romance might grow between John and Helen after Marcia flounces out of their lives on to pastures more lucrative and new?

Jennifer

Prospero at 09:50 on 16 May 2010  Report this post
This was a nice slow burner Liam with plenty of potential. I am a Harlan Coben fan myself, so I could easily relate to the scenario you set up. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

Best

John

Crimsondelilah at 09:57 on 16 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Liam - I enjoyed this. The dialogue is very effective, especially in illuminating Marcia's character. She's a great 'villain'. The dialogue between Helen and Zac is also good, and its a gentle way of showing them bonding.
Trouble is I do think it petered out at the end and I think you could have done with a little more backstory about Helen - her divorce, her relationship with Marcia (who I assumed was her sister) - that would allow me to empathise with her.
At the moment i think the most fleshed out character, the one that leaps off the page is Marcia but it shouldn't be because this is not her story.

LMJT at 10:10 on 16 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Brian,

Thank you for reading and for your comments.

I know what you mean about the ending. I've been having a bit of trouble with endings recently and agree with you that it's a little flat. I'll rework it. Yes, Marcia is Helen's sister, but that's not clear enough. Thanks again.

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for your comments. A romance is something I hadn't thought about, but is certainly a possibility. The characters here are from my novel and so that's a subplot I could explore. Thanks again.

Hi John,

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Hi Margaret,

Thank you for your insightful comments.

Agree with both of your points - that it peters out and is more Marcia's story than Helen's. Marcia is a minor character in my novel and Helen is much more a key-player, so I really need to flesh her out a bit as she's the weakest of the four characters in this scene.




Cholero at 12:23 on 16 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Liam

Good characters, good scenario, good dialogue, you've got a knack for setting up dynamics between people that feel very real.

Maybe needs a bit of a sharper ending??

I would have read on and on if this were a longer story.

Pete


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