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TORN SYNOPSIS

by Joella 

Posted: 12 May 2010
Word Count: 1803
Summary: Rather a chronological summary of the events in the story. Is this the best way?


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TORN -SYNOPSIS

Ben Field’s world is increasingly fragile. The recent death of his ‘brother’, breakdown of his marriage and his wife’s declaration that William is not his son, sends him spiralling into morbid depression. He comes across an old school photograph. Identifying faces, triggers memories he’s tried to suppress. Slugging down a handful of pills with alcohol, slipping into an unconsciousness state, images form, the years fall away and his life begins to unravel..

The racist bullies, Selby Smith and Vittorio Capilano (Cappy) come to mind. The bloody nose he gave the pair, remains vivid and raw. Too long he and Nigerian born Roxanne Mabula, suffered in silence at the hands of these bastards, to prevent her parents taking her away.

Ben’s father died when he was five. He grew up on his grandpa’s farm, has a passion for horses and is an accomplished rider. His relationship with his grandfather couldn’t be closer, but the same could not be said of his mother. Not until the day she allows Ben access to his father’s life, the opportunity to meet the boy for whom his father died, will mother and son build the bond they crave.

The beautiful Eloise Maye arrives at Barnstone Manor. She tends Ben’s wounds after the fight. Alone with Ben in the school common room, she lures him with her kaleidoscope eyes and medicinal smile. He experiences the passion of her lips, in a kiss that tells him all he needs to know, but continues to deny. Eloise will never love anyone but Ben and she believes he loves her too. Ben insists he loves Roxanne, and needing to atone for his indiscretion, asks her to marry him. They celebrate in secret, but when Ben discovers she’s returning to live in Nigeria, he feels betrayed. They make up, spend a night together. Roxanne says she’ll return when she’s eighteen and Ben promises to wait.

Eloise invites Ben to a party. She lives in a mansion, step father a merchant banker, mother an alcoholic. He agrees to attends as a friend. He gets drunk and wakes naked and alone in Eloise’s bed. Embarrassed, their friendship suffer’s but when he learns Eloise is off to Finishing School in Switzerland, he feels the need to say goodbye. Returning her peck on the cheek with a passionate embrace, reinforces Eloise’s perception of their relationship, but Ben’s in emotional meltdown.

Ben’s ambushed and left beaten and naked in the school changing rooms by Cappy and a silent accomplice wearing a woolly hat. After a spell in hospital, a further violent assault by the same duo, in public toilets, triggers a dark, depressive mood. Ben contemplates hanging himself in the barn, but the act is interrupted by his grandpa. Stories of hardship and sacrifice in the Great War, learning that his grandpa had a brother who died in the trenches, brings a change in perspective.

Ben befriends a stranger taking refuge in the barn. He calls himself Tod. He’s been beaten by his parents and Ben offers him sanctuary. Ben enjoys having Tod around. His presence is kept secret, as is his true identity until Cappy shows up. Ben is devastated to discover that Tod was Cappy’s accomplice, when the bastard beat him senseless. Tod defends Ben, Cappy is defeated, but their friendship is in jeopardy. Tod, full of remorse, leaves for Ireland, despite Ben’s change of heart and request that he stay. He’s arrested at the port in connection with the two assaults, but is later released, when Ben fails to pick him out in an identify parade.

Cappy’s body is found in the harbour. Tod returns to the Barn covered in his blood, claiming it was an act of self defence. Ben destroys the evidence, providing Tod with clean clothes and an alibi. Tod goes missing. Ben discovers him savagely beaten and dumped for dead on a railway line. In fear of the Capilano mob he later absconds from hospital. Tracking him in an abandoned fishing hut, Ben takes him home to Merryfields. Tod’s not appreciative, Ben gives him money, tells him to go, if that’s what he wants, but lured by Ben’s offer and friendship, he stays.

Tod and Ben become inseparable, consider themselves more like brothers than friends. Ben secures Tod a place at his college to study art. He’s exceptionally talented and his passion for painting nudes, earns him considerable acclaim.

Tod fails to return home after a party. Ben finds him chained and close to death in his parent’s house. He spends weeks in a coma, Ben never far away. He awakes, but suffering memory loss, is abducted by his mother, taken to London, where she attempts to withdraw money from his savings account. Digger, Tod’s street guardian, arrives to assist with the search. Tod is eventually found imprisoned in a cellar with Jenny, a six year old girl, for whom he develops genuine affection.

Paddy, Tod’s biological father, arrives at Merryfields. Tod, plans to live with him in Ireland. All is set, taxi is waiting, when Tod, finds Ben’s journal in the barn. Rediscovering his past, the part Ben’s played in his life, has him change his mind. They return to college, Tod has an affair with his art teacher, Kate Milford and develops an insatiable appetite for women.

Tod saves Ben from drowning in the cove, insisting he must learn to swim. They spend the hot summer of 1976 on the beach with college mates. Depressed, as all his letters to Roxanne have been returned, numb with alcohol, Ben loses his virginity in a beach hut to a girl who’s name he doesn’t even know. Ashamed, he returns home. Tod convinces him Roxanne’s a fantasy - never coming back. Ben returns to the beach to indulge in a summer of sun, sand and sex.

Eloise, Miss UK, the face of Vogue, turns up at the farm. Ben is pleased to see her, but reserves his affection. She makes her feelings known, but Ben, ashamed of his sexual promiscuity, thinks she’s too good for him. He confesses all, but not interested in past indiscretion, Eloise says if he wants to know how much she loves him, whether she truly forgives him, then he must kiss her. Liberated from a notion in his mind regarding Roxanne, he finally accepts the fact that Eloise has always been the true love of his life. Eloise has a busy schedule. They keep in touch and when she returns, some months later, they spend the day at the river, ending up at Lulworth to watch the sun set. All night on the beach, warmed by a small fire, Ben discovers what happened at her party. They make love. It’s Eloise’s first time. Ben asks her to marry him, she accepts and he plans to live with her in Switzerland. After a passionate week, followed by infrequent visits and much talk on the phone, Eloise writes to break off their engagement. Ben is distraught, more so when she refuses all contact and nine months later gives birth to his son.


Tod finds grandpa dead in a chair. Though silently suffering a malignant brain tumour, he helps Ben overcome his grief and ensure that they give him the send off he deserved. Funeral over, a box left specifically for them, holds clues to their grandpa’s past. They solve the clues, find their grandpa’s secret place and learn how his brother, Jack, died in the First World War. Road building on the old battlefields uncovers war graves and Jack’s remains are repatriated to be buried next to his brother.

Ben and Tod come across Selby Smith and a group of bikers outside a pub. Tod, fights with him. Smith pulls a knife, but Tod turns it on him with fatal consequences. Recovering in hospital, Tod is forced to tell Ben about his tumour. He has an operation and for a while life returns to normal. Ben, qualifies as a teacher and accepts a job at Barnstone Manor. Tod has a studio at Green Acres and accumulates a small fortune from sales, after much T.V and radio publicity.

Six years after Roxanne left, Ben spies her at a night club. She ignores him, but he gets into her taxi and takes her back to Merryfields. She’s disgusted by his exploits at the beach. His apology comes too late - she’s getting married the next day. Scared of the thunder, she’s offered a bed in the spare room. She accepts, but later climbs into to Ben’s bed to seduce him. By morning she’s gone, leaving the pressed yellow rose, he gave her the day she left. Believing it’s a sign that she loves him, he rides to the church, against Tod’s advice. The ceremony is aborted, she leaves with her knight to live at Merryfields. Roxanne gets pregnant, they marry, but it proves to be no fairy tale. Roxanne wants a daughter and when William is born, their relationship deteriorates. Tod and Roxanne have a fierce argument. He moves out until Roxanne leaves to live with her mother.

Attending Tod’s hospital appointment, Ben learns the tumour is back and Tod has less than twelve months to live. He can’t handle it, but Tod is determined they will live for every day. They do all the things they want to do. Ben quits his job and Tod supposedly spends two weeks with his father. He paints Ben’s room to depict the story of their life together, tells him he has a son and asks that he be a father to him. Tod’s death has Ben searching for him at the cove. Digger finds Ben walking into deep water, and reminds him he has a son to live for. A few weeks after the funeral, Roxanne snatches William, alleging he’s not Ben’s son. He suffers a breakdown - falls into an unconscious state on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol, thus bringing the story full circle.

Home from hospital, Roxanne phones to say sorry and that she is bringing William back to Merryfields. The photo of a baby is dropped through the door with a note saying the caller will call the following day at 2pm. Ben's expecting Kate Milford but Eloise knocks on the door. He’s not made the connection and is shocked to learn that Tod is the father of her son. She explains that Tod was supposed to paint her portrait. When she arrived, he’d just discovered he had a tumour - they got drunk and made a mistake, they deeply regretted. Ben can’t accept it. Eloise goes to leave, but Ben can’t let her go. Turning back, she asks Ben if he will ever be able to love or forgive her? Ben, vividly recalling what Eloise once told him, says, - ‘Kiss me, Ellie. Just kiss me...’









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Comments by other Members



Cornelia at 09:32 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
This story promises plenty of emotional engagement with its twists and turns, but the synopsis needs cutting by at least 50% - 500 words would be better. You could do this by pruning out some of the the detail. For example:

Ben Field’s world is increasingly fragile. The recent death of his ‘brother’, breakdown of his marriage and his wife’s declaration that William is not his son, sends him spiralling into morbid depression. He comes across an old school photograph. Identifying faces, triggers memories he’s tried to suppress. Slugging down a handful of pills with alcohol, slipping into an unconsciousness state, images form, the years fall away and his life begins to unravel..'

Could be

'Semi-comatose after imbibing a mix of alcohol and ant-depressants Ben Field reviews the events leading up to his current state of despair'

Another example:

Paddy, Tod’s biological father, arrives at Merryfields. Tod, plans to live with him in Ireland. All is set, taxi is waiting, when Tod, finds Ben’s journal in the barn. Rediscovering his past, the part Ben’s played in his life, has him change his mind. They return to college, Tod has an affair with his art teacher, Kate Milford and develops an insatiable appetite for women.

Tod is all set to live in Ireland with Paddy,his biological father until Paddy changes his mind after reading Ben's journal. Back at college, Tod's sexual appetite is strengthened as a result of an affair with art teacher Kate Milford.

You also need to pare down the language and simplify it.For example:

'Alone with Ben in the school common room, she lures him with her kaleidoscope eyes and medicinal smile.'

Do you mean to say she's high on drugs? I can understand the kaleidoscope eyes as a reference to the Beatles song about drug-taking, but 'medicinal smile' just seems odd.

it's best to use the present tense to describe episodes in the book, unlike:

'Ben’s father died when he was five. He grew up on his grandpa’s farm, has a passion for horses and is an accomplished rider.'

think you need to show how you are going to bring this information out in the story, ie;

While riding together Ben impresses Eloise with his horsemanship and tells her about growing up his grandfather's farm after his father died.

These are just one or two points which I hope will be helpful. I know it is very difficult to cut back without losing the liveliness of the story but think it's best to let the events convey the interest instead of trying to add it by using too much description. It may be that you could cut out some sub-plot material.

Sheila

Joella at 09:54 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
Thank you Sheila for taking the time to read and review this. I'll thing about what you've said. I was hoping to make the synopsis 2 pages, as it's such a complex story. 500 words might be difficult, but I will see what I can cut, or maybe devise another plan. It was easier writing the story!

Kind regards, Joella.

Cornelia at 10:42 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
I agree entirely with the last remark My first novel was written before the synopsis because I had only a vague outline in mind when writing it. The synopsis went through several drafts. For my second I wrote the synopsis first -much more enjoyable. In fact, the synopsis is so good I don't like to risk disappointing with the actual writing. So it's slow progress.

I think I saw a formula somewhere -probably here -about the proportionate amount of words in the synopsis and the novel.Could it have been ten words per thousand words of the finished novel?

Other than that,as Naomi will tell you, publishers and agents have differing requirements. Just recently the Cornerstones competition asked for the first hhree thousand words of a novel and a one-page synopsis. I think this turned out to be 500 words - I know it was quite a struggle.

Stephen King and blockbuster writers are allowed three pages or more.

Good luck

Sheila

NMott at 13:12 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
This is more of a chapter-by-chapter Outline, than an overview Synopsis, and as Sheila says, it needs to be cut down - probably by half at this stage, and then try to further reduce it in later versions.

I'll take it paragrahp by paragraph and post my first impressions, but the thing that needs sorting out straight away is to clarify who the main protagonist is, and focus the synopsis on telling the story from their view point.
If, however, the novel is a dual narrative, then you can show that in the synopsis by focussing on one main character per paragraph, and alternating the paragraphs. This will make the synopsis longer, because oyu need to map out both character's 'character arcs', ie, what they were like at the start; what conflicts they faced during the course of the novel; and what they were like at the end.
Delete minor characters and sub-plots from the synopsis - this is about oyur main pov character, main secondary characters, and main plot thread. - think of it more like a film adaption of the book, ie, the story is a stripped down version of the one in the book.





TORN -SYNOPSIS

Ben Field’s world is increasingly fragile. The recent death of his ‘brother’, breakdown of his marriage and his wife’s declaration that William is not his son, sends him spiralling into morbid depression. He comes across an old school photograph. Identifying faces, triggers memories he’s tried to suppress. Slugging down a handful of pills with alcohol, slipping into an unconsciousness state, images form, the years fall away and his life begins to unravel..


Could be edited down to:

Ben Field’s world is increasingly fragile. The recent death of his brother, breakdown of his marriage, and his wife’s declaration that he is not the biological father of their son, William, sends him spiralling into depression. Taking an overdose, he slips into... [ - something other than 'unconsciousness' because he wouldn't be having flashbacks if that was the case]

Delete 'William' if it's just a minor character, and stick to the generic name of 'his son' if he's mentioned again.

What is the novel's genre? It has a male main character so it can't be Woman's Fiction. It's about mistakes he's made in his life, which implies it's character-driven rather than plot-driven. It's contempory but doesn't seem to have any humour which crosses off Lad-Lit. This just leaves General Fiction or Literary Fiction, although a glance at the next paragraph makes me wonder if it's one of the contemporary ethnic fiction sub-genres.


The racist bullies, Selby Smith and Vittorio Capilano (Cappy) come to mind. The bloody nose he gave the pair, remains vivid and raw. Too long he and Nigerian born Roxanne Mabula, suffered in silence at the hands of these bastards, to prevent her parents taking her away.


Is he black?
Is he thinking right back to his childhood/school days?
Was Roxanne his first love?
Unless this is a statement about his ethnicity (in which case that shouldbe in the opening paragraph), or an introduction to an important secondary character, I'd delete it.

Ben’s father died when he was five. He grew up on his grandpa’s farm, has a passion for horses and is an accomplished rider. His relationship with his grandfather couldn’t be closer, but the same could not be said of his mother. Not until the day she allows Ben access to his father’s life, the opportunity to meet the boy for whom his father died, will mother and son build the bond they crave.


Delete the info about the grandfather. The important part is the last line, about his relationship with his mother. However this needs more explanation to see if it is a pivotal part of the novel and worthy of remaining in the synopsis. At the moment it appears it may not be because in the very next paragraph you jump to a new character.


The beautiful Eloise Maye arrives at Barnstone Manor. She tends Ben’s wounds after the fight. Alone with Ben in the school common room, she lures him with her kaleidoscope eyes and medicinal smile. He experiences the passion of her lips, in a kiss that tells him all he needs to know, but continues to deny. Eloise will never love anyone but Ben and she believes he loves her too. Ben insists he loves Roxanne, and needing to atone for his indiscretion, asks her to marry him. They celebrate in secret, but when Ben discovers she’s returning to live in Nigeria, he feels betrayed. They make up, spend a night together. Roxanne says she’ll return when she’s eighteen and Ben promises to wait.


This is linked to the second paragraph. Writing it chronologically is not a goood idea when it means the synopsis jumps backwards and forwards between characters. Move the paragraphs around to marry up the various secondary characters in Ben's life.
Focussing this paragraph on Eloise, and showing her point of view (pov) in 'she believes he loves her' implies Eloise is a second narrator in the novel.

So basically, Ben's childhood memories resurface, reminding him of the bulllying he suffered at school (because of his colour? Or just because he's protecting his first love, Roxanne?). He meets the beautiful Eloise and is torn between her and Roxanne. (- how old is he?)
He chooses Roxanne, but is [devistated?) when she is sent home to Nigeria. She promises to return when she's 18, and he promises to wait for her.


Eloise invites Ben to a party. She lives in a mansion, step father a merchant banker, mother an alcoholic. He agrees to attends as a friend. He gets drunk and wakes naked and alone in Eloise’s bed. Embarrassed, their friendship suffer’s but when he learns Eloise is off to Finishing School in Switzerland, he feels the need to say goodbye. Returning her peck on the cheek with a passionate embrace, reinforces Eloise’s perception of their relationship, but Ben’s in emotional meltdown.


So, basically, with Roxanne out of the way, Eloise is makes a move on Ben. At a drunken party Ben reciprocates, although embarassed by his own behaviour he believes they are just freinds, unaware at how deep Eloise's feeling run (- again, is she a pov character in the novel? If not, then how does the reader know what she's feeling?). Eloise leaves for a finishing school in Switzerland.

Plot: I don't understand how, at this point, Ben can be in 'emotional meltdown'? At the most he's embarassed by his behaviour with Eloise while he still loves Roxanne, but he's still just a teenager. I don't think many teenagers reach an emotional meltdown simply because they've slept with 2 girls.


Ben’s ambushed and left beaten and naked in the school changing rooms by Cappy and a silent accomplice wearing a woolly hat. After a spell in hospital, a further violent assault by the same duo, in public toilets, triggers a dark, depressive mood. Ben contemplates hanging himself in the barn, but the act is interrupted by his grandpa. Stories of hardship and sacrifice in the Great War, learning that his grandpa had a brother who died in the trenches, brings a change in perspective.


Can be summarised as: increasingly vicious attacks by racist bullies leaves him hospitalised and triggers a deep depression. Fighting suicidal thoughts he recuperates at home and stories from his grandpa about sacrifies in the Great War brings a change in perspective.

Ben befriends a stranger taking refuge in the barn. He calls himself Tod. He’s been beaten by his parents and Ben offers him sanctuary. Ben enjoys having Tod around. His presence is kept secret, as is his true identity until Cappy shows up. Ben is devastated to discover that Tod was Cappy’s accomplice, when the bastard beat him senseless. Tod defends Ben, Cappy is defeated, but their friendship is in jeopardy. Tod, full of remorse, leaves for Ireland, despite Ben’s change of heart and request that he stay. He’s arrested at the port in connection with the two assaults, but is later released, when Ben fails to pick him out in an identify parade.


Ben befriends Tod, a runaway found sheltering in the family's barn. The freindship is rocked by Ben's discovery that Tod was one of the bullies who beat him sensless. Although Tod defends Ben against the bullies, their friendship is in jeopardy. Tod leaves, but is arrested for the assault on Ben. Ben [insert his motivates for saving his freind] and the charges are dropped.

You don't need to say where Tod is heading for, but there is a pattern emerging in your novel, where each of Ben's friends leave to go abroad. It is best not to repeat scenarios, especially if it means you need to introduce new secondary characters through the course of the novel to take the place of the old ones.


Cappy’s body is found in the harbour. Tod returns to the Barn covered in his blood, claiming it was an act of self defence. Ben destroys the evidence, providing Tod with clean clothes and an alibi. Tod goes missing. Ben discovers him savagely beaten and dumped for dead on a railway line. In fear of the Capilano mob he later absconds from hospital. Tracking him in an abandoned fishing hut, Ben takes him home to Merryfields. Tod’s not appreciative, Ben gives him money, tells him to go, if that’s what he wants, but lured by Ben’s offer and friendship, he stays.



Ah, a murder.
Plot: This is the second character-driven synopsis I've seen this week which features a murder half way into the novel. The risk is the agent will think you've changed genres to a plot driven murder-mystery, or crime-thriller, half way in, so this plot device has to be seen to work in the context of a character-driven novel.
If the main character turns into an investigator, or escaping for his life from a gang, then the Agent is going to wonder why you didn't start with the murder - or at least with the hospitalisation; finding Tod in the barn; the friendship; and then the murder... You've got rid of both love interests, so their stories are separate from this part of the novel.
There are parts of this told from Tod's pov (In fear of the Capilano mob he later absconds from hospital) which implies he's a pov character in the novel.

I'm having problems understanding Ben's motivations, here. Is he grateful to Tod for killing his worst enemy - Cappy - even though Tod had beaten off Cappy in the previous encounter so he wasn't a threat any more? Is he doing it purely out of freindship?
At this stage the tables have turned and Ben has become a passive observer (secondary character) in the novel. The Tod now bears the brunt of the gang violence, in revenge for him murdering their leader, Cappy, while Ben is merely there to patch him up.

This is a novel in two halves and at the moment I'm seriously suggesting separating off the earlier chapters featuring the girls and write that up as a different novel. Instead turn this into a plot-driven novel, with the bond of freindship as it's central theme, and the conflict with the gang as it's main plot thread (cf, West Side Story, and Susan Hill's YA psychological thriller: King of the Castle, about bullying).


Tod and Ben become inseparable, consider themselves more like brothers than friends. Ben secures Tod a place at his college to study art. He’s exceptionally talented and his passion for painting nudes, earns him considerable acclaim.


Ben's just a teenager, so how can he 'secure Tod a place at college'? If Tod is such a good artist, then it's his talents as an artist that would win him a place, but maybe it takes Ben's encouragement to give Tod the courage to apply in the first place?


Tod fails to return home after a party. Ben finds him chained and close to death in his parent’s house. He spends weeks in a coma, Ben never far away. He awakes, but suffering memory loss, is abducted by his mother, taken to London, where she attempts to withdraw money from his savings account. Digger, Tod’s street guardian, arrives to assist with the search. Tod is eventually found imprisoned in a cellar with Jenny, a six year old girl, for whom he develops genuine affection.


Tod is abducted by his mother?
Why take him to London? (similar scenario to moving the girls to Nigeria and Switzerland, respectively)
You've introduced 3 new characters at a late stage in the novel, and Ben has disappeared off the radar.
- You've turned Tod into your main character and is writing his story, not Ben's, in this half of the novel. This synopsis doesn't work, and as it's an Outline and, as such, probably a goood representation of the novel itself, I really can't see the novel working as it is currently structured. You are throwing plot devices into the mix as you go, to try to drive the plot forward, instead of lining them all up in the opening chapters and bringing them into the main plot thread as and when needed. eg, In an opening paragraph, above, you implied a difficult relationship between Ben and his Mother, and yet it's Tod's mother you bring in as a plot device in the second half of the novel.

It would be better to reduce Tod's part to a paragraph in the synopsis, to avoid giving this impression.


Paddy, Tod’s biological father, arrives at Merryfields. Tod, plans to live with him in Ireland. All is set, taxi is waiting, when Tod, finds Ben’s journal in the barn. Rediscovering his past, the part Ben’s played in his life, has him change his mind. They return to college, Tod has an affair with his art teacher, Kate Milford and develops an insatiable appetite for women.


Again, written from Tod's pov. And Tod is now developing the love interest angle which you'd originally lined up Eloise and Roxanne for, with Ben. One would at least expect Eloise or Roxanne to have returned by now - maybe enrolling as a student at the college - and have Tod cheating with one of them, making Ben reassess their freindship.


Tod saves Ben from drowning in the cove, insisting he must learn to swim. They spend the hot summer of 1976 on the beach with college mates. Depressed, as all his letters to Roxanne have been returned, numb with alcohol, Ben loses his virginity in a beach hut to a girl who’s name he doesn’t even know. Ashamed, he returns home. Tod convinces him Roxanne’s a fantasy - never coming back. Ben returns to the beach to indulge in a summer of sun, sand and sex.



"Ben loses his virginity " - you implied in the earlier paragraphs with Roxanne and Eloise that Ben had already lost his virginity and slept with both of them.
Ben's drink & sex partying repeats the opening scenario with Eloise.

This is a major change in direction for the novel, back to the character-driven plot from the opening chapters featuring Ben and the girls' relationships.


Eloise, Miss UK, the face of Vogue, turns up at the farm. Ben is pleased to see her, but reserves his affection. She makes her feelings known, but Ben, ashamed of his sexual promiscuity, thinks she’s too good for him. He confesses all, but not interested in past indiscretion, Eloise says if he wants to know how much she loves him, whether she truly forgives him, then he must kiss her. Liberated from a notion in his mind regarding Roxanne, he finally accepts the fact that Eloise has always been the true love of his life. Eloise has a busy schedule. They keep in touch and when she returns, some months later, they spend the day at the river, ending up at Lulworth to watch the sun set. All night on the beach, warmed by a small fire, Ben discovers what happened at her party. They make love. It’s Eloise’s first time. Ben asks her to marry him, she accepts and he plans to live with her in Switzerland. After a passionate week, followed by infrequent visits and much talk on the phone, Eloise writes to break off their engagement. Ben is distraught, more so when she refuses all contact and nine months later gives birth to his son.


Summaried as: Eloise, now Miss UK and the face of Vogue, returns to the [village?]. Ashamed of his summer of love, Ben realises Eloise is the love of his life. He finds the feelings are reciprocated and asks her to marry him. (although, if she's a model, the implication is Ben only loves her because she's beautiful). Eloise accepts, but then breaks off their engagement and returns to [Switzerland]?
If she refuses all contact, how does Ben know she's given birth to their son? And what does he do about it if/when he finds out?


Tod finds grandpa dead in a chair. Though silently suffering a malignant brain tumour, he helps Ben overcome his grief and ensure that they give him the send off he deserved. Funeral over, a box left specifically for them, holds clues to their grandpa’s past. They solve the clues, find their grandpa’s secret place and learn how his brother, Jack, died in the First World War. Road building on the old battlefields uncovers war graves and Jack’s remains are repatriated to be buried next to his brother.


Tod has a brain tumour? This switches the novel back to his story.
Who's grandpa is found dead, Tod's or Ben's?
Finding a box with clues, which they solve, risks turning this back into a plot-driven mystery. Try to avoid using such words in a synopsis, as they give the wrong impression about the genre.
Why is it important to find and repatriate Jack's remains? - is this tied into the earlier paragraph where Ben's suicidal depression is resolved because of his chats with his grandfather about sacrifices in the War? This comes across as a sub-plot put in to distract Ben from discovering his friend is dying. What is the main plot thread at this point in time? It feels as though you are filling time before Ben comes out of his drug-induced coma.



Ben and Tod come across Selby Smith and a group of bikers outside a pub. Tod, fights with him. Smith pulls a knife, but Tod turns it on him with fatal consequences. Recovering in hospital, Tod is forced to tell Ben about his tumour. He has an operation and for a while life returns to normal. Ben, qualifies as a teacher and accepts a job at Barnstone Manor. Tod has a studio at Green Acres and accumulates a small fortune from sales, after much T.V and radio publicity.


The novel has become episodic, as it turns into Tod's memoirs. Such a novel can carry on until the main character reaches four score and ten, or comes out of the coma, or you kill them off (hence, one assumes, the tumour).
There needs to be a big denoument rather than draging it on through every step of their lives. Not that such a novel can't work - Fanny Flagg's Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe is a case in point - but it needs a denoument otherwise it can become too long. How many words is the novel?

Six years after Roxanne left, Ben spies her at a night club. She ignores him, but he gets into her taxi and takes her back to Merryfields. She’s disgusted by his exploits at the beach. His apology comes too late - she’s getting married the next day. Scared of the thunder, she’s offered a bed in the spare room. She accepts, but later climbs into to Ben’s bed to seduce him. By morning she’s gone, leaving the pressed yellow rose, he gave her the day she left. Believing it’s a sign that she loves him, he rides to the church, against Tod’s advice. The ceremony is aborted, she leaves with her knight to live at Merryfields. Roxanne gets pregnant, they marry, but it proves to be no fairy tale. Roxanne wants a daughter and when William is born, their relationship deteriorates. Tod and Roxanne have a fierce argument. He moves out until Roxanne leaves to live with her mother.


Roxanne returns? How does she know about his behaviour on the beach? - that was the part of the novel featuring Eloise.
Her behaviour/characterisation seems very similar to Eloise's, it would make more sense for this to be Eloise, rather than Roxanne. It's always a good idea at the end of a first draft to see if any of the characters can be doubled up, and I'm not sure there is room in this novel for both Roxanne, and Eloise.
"Tod and Roxanne have a fierce argument. He moves out..." - Who is 'He?' I had to re-read the paragraph to check that Tod wan't the one who's married Roxanne. Are you saying that Tod has moved out? Is he living with Ben? Are you implying through all this that William is Tod's child? I thought Tod was dying of a malignant brain tumour, so why is he still alive? What was the point of giving him a tumour? - it is ultimately the writer's responsibility for what they do to their chracters, and there has to be a logical reason for it in novel, to drive the plot forward; there has to be consequences, and it has to motivate the characters as to what choices they make next, and the direction their lives take. At the moment there is no obvious reason for the tumour, or the interlude with the grandpa and his box.


Attending Tod’s hospital appointment, Ben learns the tumour is back and Tod has less than twelve months to live. He can’t handle it, but Tod is determined they will live for every day. They do all the things they want to do. Ben quits his job and Tod supposedly spends two weeks with his father. He paints Ben’s room to depict the story of their life together, tells him he has a son and asks that he be a father to him. Tod’s death has Ben searching for him at the cove. Digger finds Ben walking into deep water, and reminds him he has a son to live for. A few weeks after the funeral, Roxanne snatches William, alleging he’s not Ben’s son. He suffers a breakdown - falls into an unconscious state on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol, thus bringing the story full circle.



Why give Tod a second chance, only to take it away again? If Tod is William's father, than why not bring Roxanne back earlier? As the writer, in control of your plot, don't have to wait 6 years, and you don't have to put Tod in remission. It puts the novel on pause at the point when it's supposed to be rushing towards the big denoument.
Why is it Ben who can't handle it, when it's Tod's tumour? I've been wondering for a while, but is Ben gay? Is that why he keeps getting these suicidal bouts of depression?


Home from hospital, Roxanne phones to say sorry and that she is bringing William back to Merryfields. The photo of a baby is dropped through the door with a note saying the caller will call the following day at 2pm. Ben's expecting Kate Milford but Eloise knocks on the door. He’s not made the connection and is shocked to learn that Tod is the father of her son. She explains that Tod was supposed to paint her portrait. When she arrived, he’d just discovered he had a tumour - they got drunk and made a mistake, they deeply regretted. Ben can’t accept it. Eloise goes to leave, but Ben can’t let her go. Turning back, she asks Ben if he will ever be able to love or forgive her? Ben, vividly recalling what Eloise once told him, says, - ‘Kiss me, Ellie. Just kiss me...’



Uh? This starts off as being about Ben, William and Roxanne, so who is Kate Milford?
Tod is the father of Eloise's son???? There are revelations that work logically because the crumbs have been laid, and you're half expect them, and it's nice that one's expectations are confirmed. And there are revelations that come out of left field and as such are difficult to swallow, especially if it involves explanations to the reader of why that should be so - the reasons have to be there in the chapters, rather than remove the character from the scene and have then turn up in the closing pages with a story explaining it all most of which would be a better fit to explain Tod and Roxanne's relationship (although, because of characterisation issues, it works better as Tod and Eloise's relationship, with Roxanne turning up on the doorstep at this point in the stroy)
You've laid the crumbs for a revelation that William is Tod's son, and it would be nice for Ben if Eloise's (Roxanne's) son is his biological son and they marry.



- NaomiM

<Added>

"This will make the synopsis longer, because oyu need to map out both character's 'character arcs'" - I should probably clarify, I mean longer that one page, as opposed to longer than this one.

<Added>

I should also clarify, there are just first impressions about what the synopsis is implying about the novel, rather than the novel itself which could be fine. It is best to rewrite the places where the synopsis is not giving a fair representation of the novel, &/or where sub-plots and minor characters have confused the issue.

<Added>

As I see it, the main plot thread is Ben's relationship with Tod and the trials they go through which threaten to make or break that freindship - the girls are secondary to that. There is a suggestion that Tod is the main antagonist, and there is an expectation that he will, in some way, at some point, betray Ben's trust in him, which occurs at the end when Ben discovers that Tod has fathered the child he always thought of as his own.
Whether or not Ben & Tod's dual narrative (if there is one) really works in such a situation is for the novel itself. Maybe write the synopsis purely from Ben's pov - at the very least that should help to reduce the synopsis to a more managable size.

<Added>

"Ben discovers that Tod has fathered the child he always thought of as his own."
- oops, I mean, the one he didn't know he had - I still think it would make more sense to have William as Tod's son.


<Added>

...and swap Roxanne and Eloise round.

Joella at 19:59 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
Thank you, Naomi. You've certainly been very thorough. I'm going to have another try, but in a different format. Can a synopsis be written in the first person? (use Ben's voice?) At the moment the story is about 350 000 words. Most of your concerns are actually answered in relevant chapters, but maybe I don't need to pose so many questions in the synopsis. I'm going to write a really short overview - will try for 500 - 600 words and see how I get on.

Many thanks, once again, Joella.

NMott at 20:28 on 13 May 2010  Report this post
Can a synopsis be written in the first person? (use Ben's voice?)


No, it needs to be 3rd person limited (ie, with Ben's thoughts and feelings about what is happening to him and his friends), preferably present tense.


At the moment the story is about 350 000 words


Ah. Er. That is too long for a single novel - it's the size of a trilogy. That probably explains why the story comes across as 3 different sections. The opening section of Ben's teenage years when he first meets Eloise and Roxanne. Then his middle years with his friendship with Tod. Then his later years when Eloise and Roxanne come back.
A submission for a 350K novel will earn you an automatic rejection - it's doubtful the agents will even read the first 3 chapters when they see that word count in the opening paragraph of oyur covering letter. I've done it myself - written a 320K fantasy novel detailing 2 years of the main character's life/adventures, and that too was episodic, with the big denoument in the final chapter. He didn't even meet one of the main secondary characters until 100K words in!
You can't submit a trilogy/series, because the first novel must work as a stand-alone, and ideally should to be 100K, +/- 20K, words long, so my earlier suggestion of just making it about Ben & Tod's freindship still hold true, and hive off the first and last sections, featuring Eloise and Roxanne, to make a different novel entirely.


- NaomiM

<Added>

but maybe I don't need to pose so many questions in the synopsis


I didn't regiser any questions as I read through it. It seemed pretty straightforward, although Ben's feelings and motivations about what was happening around him were not always clarified, and during his frinedship with Tod he became a passive observer - similar to the narrator in The Great Gatsby.

<Added>

...Passive characters usually make better secondary characters than main characters.

Joella at 17:24 on 15 May 2010  Report this post
Thank you Naomi,

I've made a mistake on the word count. That's more like the pages. Actual word count is 170 000 ish. I am working on a different synopsis - aiming for one page and will upload it once it's finished.

Kind regards, Joella.

NMott at 01:11 on 22 May 2010  Report this post
Actual word count is 170 000 ish


Ah, that is a big difference.
It is still a bit long for that sort of novel, which shows in the synopsis with the episodic memoir-type of story detail the lives of the 2 friends in the middle. It would be best to look at ways of cutting it down by at least 30K words.

Joella at 05:34 on 22 May 2010  Report this post
Naomi, you've actually made me think really hard about cutting this story. There are a few chapters that could go without affecting the overall plot. I am going to continue the edit with a view to reducing rather than revising.

I have rewritten the prologue so that it fits on a single page (731 words). I also have a version in 499 words, but the page version is probably better. As far as I remember, the agents I've looked up ask for a single page synopsis. If I upload the page version, would you take a look at it, please?

Regards, Joella

NMott at 18:00 on 22 May 2010  Report this post
If I upload the page version, would you take a look at it, please?


Sure. Is it a synopsis or prologue? If the former, then upload it in this group. If the latter then post me a link and I'll take a look.



- NaomiM

Joella at 19:34 on 22 May 2010  Report this post
Sorry, I meant synopsis, not prologue. Thanks, Naomi. I'll upload it tomorrow.

Regards, Joella.


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