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Dream taker
Posted: 03 May 2010
Word Count: 53
Summary: Just one of those that comes in a flash that you quickly write on the back of a card and then forget for a while.
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Dream taker
She came in the dead of night
stealing into my dreams
walking inside of my head
daring to walk where others
had dared not to tread.
She murdered me with her passion
held me in her spell
stole from another the leading
part... now she is gone
and taken my heart.
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Comments by other Members
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 Felicity F at 22:27 on 06 May 2010
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I found this to have a strong sense of anger and outrage...that such a figure could steal into a dream and leave the dreamer bereft of heart.
The language used is very emphatic, such as 'murdered' me with her passion, and I don't overall get the sense that the dreamer very much enjoyed his or her dream !
Felicity.
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 James Graham at 16:54 on 08 May 2010
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An extraordinary idea, the dream taker. Never came across anything like it before. I’m interested too in what you say about the poem coming in a flash. I always think it’s what makes poets believe, or half-believe, in the Muse. How long did it take to write?
Two little changes - ‘walking inside my head’ without the ‘of’; and ‘had not dared to tread’.
Maybe a slightly bigger change is needed at the end. The two verses rhyme quite neatly but I don’t see an advantage in having ‘part’ at the beginning of the second-last line. Maybe you had a reason for putting it there. Also I think the last line needs to be strengthened - in ‘taken with her my heart’, ‘with her’ isn’t necessary. So this seems better to me:
stole from another the leading part
now she is gone
and taken my heart. |
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I know this makes a longer line, but the desolate feeling at the end seems better expressed in contrasting shorter lines.
Se what you think of this.
James.
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 V`yonne at 17:12 on 08 May 2010
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I like this. It has presense you know as do many poems that come 'in a flash' Sometimes poems just come and need little adjustment. I think I agree with the adjustments James has suggested.
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Felicity F at 15:58 on 09 May 2010
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I agree with James, with those couple of minor adjustments the poem works better.
Felicity.
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Tmog at 23:41 on 09 May 2010
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Yes I agree with you James, it works better and I will make the adjustments.
As for the poem it took a day to compose and the idea came from
listening in to an argument between a young couple in of all
places a supermarket, when all I heard was a young man saying to
his girl friend. "your always in my head when you have no right to be".
That was all I needed to hear and was the spark, seems silly but that's how i
seem to work; So thanks to all who offered there opinion.
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 FelixBenson at 10:56 on 22 May 2010
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Nothing further to add - I just agress with the others about the changes. Sometimes that is all you need for a spark that starts a poem isn't it? A word, a phrase said in a certain way. Something overheard. It is amazing how quickly something fully formed can appear from that. This has a nice rhythm too.
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