Login   Sign Up 



 

TORN CHAPTER 3 (PART 2)

by Joella 

Posted: 25 April 2010
Word Count: 2091
Summary: Ben is at home recovering from injuries sustained at school. A surprise visit from a friend and brewing suspicions over Roxanne, leaves an unanswered question.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Sometime after breakfast the following day, mum arrived home. We met in the kitchen, her smile chased from her face the moment she set eyes on me. The three of us sat at the table. Grandpa reported a synopsis of events, leaving me to fill in the detail. A former nurse, my mother concerned herself with whether I’d received the correct medical treatment, more than how I was feeling. I apologised for the deceit, her view was that I should have told her sooner, but other than that, she let it go.

Mid morning I came back from the barn to be told I had a visitor. Opening the door to the sitting room,
‘Vince,’ I said, pleasantly surprised. ‘What brings you all this way?‘
He stood at the far end of the room, eying the sideboard’s display of silverware and photos.
‘With all the rumours flyin’ about, I just wanted to check up on yeh,’ he replied. ‘Love the horse. Did yeh win all these trophies on it?’
‘Yeah,’ I confirmed, making my way across the room. He turned, revealing his disfigured face. ‘Bloody hell, Vince,’ I gasped. ‘Did Cappy do this to you?’
Avoiding the question, ‘It’s gettin’ better,’ he contested. ‘Swellins are down a bit. Can almost see out of me right eye. Amazing what ice can do.’
Mum came in to set down a tray with hot chocolate and biscuits. We thanked her and she left closing the door. It was a bitterly cold February day and Vince stood with hands wrapped around the mug, warming himself by the open fire.
‘Sorry,’ I said, humbly. ‘I didn’t know and now I feel responsible for....’
‘Don’t yeh dare blame yehself, Ben,’ he briskly interrupted. ‘Yeh’re not responsible for what those bastards did. Smith and Cappy are evil. Pure evil and bloody dangerous. As for Porter, Tenbellies and the rest of the moronic mob, they ‘aven’t a brain cell between them.’
‘So, what happened to you?’
Placing his drink on the table, to recline in the chair, ‘I was ambushed by Willets and that dumb ass idiot, Richards, on me way to see Mr Dodds. I put up a fight, but out gunned, they shoved me into the caretaker’s storeroom. Don’t ask me how, but Richards had his keys, so they locked me in. By the time I broke out through the window the fire bell was ringing. I went lookin’ for Mr Dodds, who seemed to twig somethin’ was wrong the minute he ‘eard what happened. I’m sorry, Ben. I had no idea what was goin’ on. I wish I could have helped you.’
‘It’s okay, Vince. Of everyone at school, I trust no-one more than you. You stood up to Smith and Cappy in the past ...’
‘But not like you, Ben...’
‘You weren’t their main target..’
‘But I could, should ‘ave done more, much more than I did. I regret not fightin’ with yeh on Friday. I tried to get through the crowd, but it seemed everyone supported Smith and wouldn’t let me pass. Then it was too late.’
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, Vince, but I’m glad you didn’t. It was my fight, and one I had to win on my own. I just wanted to see the bastards go down and to hell with the consequences. Lost it, I guess. Bit like Piss Potts on Monday.’ Picking up the plate, I offered Vince a biscuit.
‘Did yeh know Potts has had a breakdown and won’t be comin’ back?’
‘Bloody good riddance,’ I said, nibbling a digestive and finishing my drink.
‘Telltale Davis is going round saying that Piss Potts cut yeh hand with a ruler...’
‘It’s true,’ I revealed. ‘I point blank refused to write letters of apology to Smith and Porter. But the bastard swiped me with the sharp edge of the ruddy thing.’ Vince was cringing, so skipping the gory details, ‘I met Davis, the treacherous little turd in the toilets and I’m sure he told Cappy where I was.’
‘Christ almighty, Ben. It gets worse. I thought Cappy did it. That’s bad enough, but Potts? What the hell’s going on?’
‘He was pissed and lost control. I should have walked out. The whole thing was absolute bloody madness.’
Vince went quiet for a moment. He asked what happened to Cappy and once I’d explained he couldn’t contain his amusement.
‘Sorry, Ben,’ he said, regaining temporary control. ‘It’s not funny, I know, but...’ He took a breath. ‘Think about it. A right little shit slammed by a toilet roll holder...’ I joined the chorus of his laughter, which lightened the tone for a moment. Clearing his throat, adopting a more serious air, ‘Tell me yeh’re not goin’ back to school,’ he said. ‘Yeh can’t go back, Ben.’
‘Can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind, but...’
‘Why, the but?’
‘Not going back would feel like running away and that’s not what I do. Besides, I’ve promised Mr Dodds and Mrs Walsh that I would help out with the Spring Shakespeare Festival and I can’t let them down.’
‘They’ll understand. I’m sure they’ll understand. It’ll be bloody crazy to go back, Ben. I’m tellin’ yeh, stay as far away from Smith and Cappy as yeh can. Yeh must know that they’re not gunna let yeh get away with what yeh’ve done. Cappy’s been getting around with a tosspot known as Al. He wears a woolly hat most of the time and is a right psycho. Make sure yeh don’t cross him. As for Smith, did yeh know his father’s been banged up?’ I shook my head. ‘He’s been done for killing a Pakistani in Poole. Remember the house fire in Green Road?’ Nodding to confirm that I did, ‘Well, he’s been jailed for startin’ the blaze. One other thing, Ben. Beware of the Capilano family, particularly now yeh’ve injured their son. It’s rumoured on the estate, that they’re linked to the Mafia and that Mr Capilano deals in drugs.’
My amusement was obvious.‘Sorry, Vince. I’m not mocking you, but rumours can be dangerous. Next we’ll be told he’s corrupted the police force and has a Judge on his pay role. You have to take some things with a pinch of salt.’
Swiftly changing the subject, ‘Do yeh ever go out, Ben?’ he asked, curiously.
‘What do you mean by, ‘out’?
‘Knock about with some mates. Go down the pub. Meet up with girls, that kind of thing.’
‘No. I’m not really interested.’
‘Maybe I could get yeh interested. Look, a group of us lads are goin’ down the Jolly Sailor on Friday night. Why don’t yeh come along. Yeh could have a few beers, pick up a girl and hey, you might get lucky. Slip Skinner a few bob and he’ll loan yeh the back seat of his car. Just remember to put somethin’ on the end of it. Saves any trouble. Yeh can get then in the pub.’
The idea was amusing, if not a bit sordid. I laughed. ‘Thanks, but no thanks, Vince. I have a girl and I’d be kicked out of the pub.’
‘Christ, none of us pass for eighteen. We just slip Lofty the landlord, a few quid behind the counter. So who’s yeh girl? No. Let me guess - Roxanne?’
‘Yeah.’
‘None of me business, I know, and excuse the pun when I say, yeh ought to spend some time playing the field. How can yeh know she’s the right one?’
‘Trust me, I just know. We’ve been through a lot and it’s convinced me that she’s the one.’
‘Well, I’m pleased for yeh both. But I still think yeh’re too young to get serious. Don’t yeh fancy that new girl, Eloise Maye?All the boys fancy her. What a cracker. Get a load of lads talkin’ about her in the showers, raises more than a smile, I can tell yeh. What I wouldn’t give to ...’

The door opened and mum came in to ask if we’d like a slice of her freshly baked banana cake? Vince, suppressing an ironic chuckle, thanked her kindly, but checking his watch, said it was time that he made tracks. He was on his feet doing up his coat, when I voiced my regret that he couldn’t have stayed longer.
‘Next time I’ll take you to meet Liberty.’
‘I’d like that,’ he replied, ‘but it won’t be for a while. I’m movin’. We’re gunna live in Devon. Me parents want to get off the estate. I’ve an Aunt who lives near Exeter and we’re stain' with her while my dad looks for a job...‘
Concealing my disappointment, I thanked him for calling and wished him well in his new life. Outside, straddling his bicycle, ‘Think about what I said,’ he implored. ‘Watch your back, Ben, and if yeh change yeh mind about the pub, give me a ring. Me number’s in the phone book and though I’ll not be in school, I’ll be about for a week or two.’
‘I will,’ I promised. ‘And next time you’re passing this way, remember to drop in.’
One foot on a pedal, he promised he would. Shivering, having watched him ride out of the gate, I returned indoors to warm myself by the fire.

The day brightened immensely when Roxanne showed up in the afternoon. Eying my wounds, particularly my disfigured hand, she gasped, hiding her eyes behind a hand. Sparing the gory details, I assured her everything was getting better. After a greeting and brief chat with Mum and grandpa, we climbed the stairs to my room.

It came as a welcome relief not to have to retell the story of Monday’s events. I had it in mind to tell her something else and clearly she had something on her mind too. When my suggestion that we take a stroll, received an enthusiastic response, warmly wrapped against the winter chill, we se off for the Domesday tree.

The ancient fallen oak, recorded in the Domesday survey 1087, lay barely two miles from the Farm. It was one of our favourite jaunts: an easy route along well worn familiar tracks. We played around, teased each other and babbled on about trivial, silly things. I walked close, brushed up against her, wanted to hold her hand, tell her I loved her, but bottled it every time. Arriving at the Domesday tree, the frolicking ceased and the atmosphere took on a different perspective. We sat in silence along the fallen trunk, like a couple of strangers waiting on a bench in a deserted railway station.
‘Okay, Roxanne,’ I said, finally. ‘Is it something I’ve said or done?’ Opaque eyes met with mine, compelling me to ask, ‘What is it? What’s the matter?’
She bit her bottom lip, twisted her mouth. ‘It’s nothing you’ve done, Ben. It’s just that... I’m going to Nigeria.’
‘Nigeria? When?’
‘On the fifteenth....
‘Fifteenth of February?’ She nodded. ‘For how long?’
‘About two weeks.’
Burying my eyes in the ground, I kicked a heel against the trunk.
‘You are coming back, aren’t you? I have to know you’re coming back, Roxanne.’
‘Of course,’ she insisted. ‘I’ll be back for your birthday in March. Promise.’
I wasn’t sure what to think, but something didn’t feel right. Roxanne was adamant she’d be back, assured me I’d nothing to worry about, but I didn’t trust her father.

We sat chatting for a while, lost track of time, returning to the farm fifteen minutes late. Roxanne’s mother was waiting with mum in the kitchen. We received a friendly reception, Mrs Mabula was chatty, both of which were out of character. Something was brewing. I had my suspicions, but nothing tangible to base them on.

On February 14 a Valentine’s card dropped onto the mat by the front door. Convinced I knew the sender’s identity, I picked up the phone.
‘Thanks for the card,’ I said as Roxanne came on the line.
There fell a pregnant pause. ‘What card, Ben? Don’t know what you mean?’
‘Didn’t you get one?’ I enquired. ‘It’s Valentines’s Day.’
‘Oh, so it is,’ she said, hesitantly. ‘No. I didn’t, but the post’s not arrived yet. Did you send any?’
‘Yeah. Loads,’ I jested, wallpapering over large cracks of disappointment.

We chatted until her mother called out to say they had to leave. Promising to call when she arrived back, we said our goodbyes and I told her... I’d miss her. Replacing the receiver, I went up to my room, mind abuzz with speculation. If Roxanne hadn’t sent me the Valentine, who did........?






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



jim60 at 20:20 on 30 April 2010  Report this post
I'm still as interested and intrigued by this as I've been from the beginning.
A subtle difference with this, likeable and steadily moving the story on, then of course, leaving it on that thread, nice to see a little more of Roxanne too.

Jim.



Demonqueen at 09:47 on 09 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Joella
As usual your style is very captivating and you put us imiediately in the room with your characters.

The first thing that struck me with this chapter, though, is that it is the first we get to see of Ben's mother and yet you skip over this important meeting with a short paragraph, and she only gets to bring in tea and cake later on! We already know there is some strain between the two's relationship, what with her withdrawal from him folling his father's death, but you don't allow us to see the dynamic between them. You tell us she fusses over his injuries but we don't see how their relationship interplays. A person's family is an important part of their make-up so I would encourage you to go into more detail on it.

The following section goes to great lengths to describe something that happened to ....who? Sorry, who is Vince? I can't remember as I read the other chapters quite a while ago (sorry!). The point is, he seems a minor character but your putting him in the spotlight for longer than Ben's mother, who I think you need to explore more, at this point. (IMHO)

I'm being brutal here but please know I say all this with friendship and with the aim of helping there are only so many fight scenes you need to describe to us. We know Cappy is a mad nutter, we know the turn of events in the last chapters, we don't need to hear Ben tell someone else the same thing. I fear if there is too much of it in the beginning chapters, there won't be any shock left for when your story climaxes. Most of the beginning dialogue between Ben and Vince could be cut and summarised discourse used to keep us in the loop as to why this mate wasn't around to help, and in fact, a lot of it seems very similar to conversations he's had with his teacher Dodds already. This far into the story you can afford to spread out into other areas outside of the bullying and Ben's relationship with his mother seems a potential point of tension that isn't necessarily action orientated. I would say this with Roxanne as well, she gets a little more attention later on in this section but less than Vince, who skips off to Devon, never to be seen again (I assume).

The dialogue is good though, it's definitely one of your strong points. I noticed this Vince seems to have an accent, so does Cappy, if I remember rightly, but Ben doesn't. Why is this? Did he move there only recently? This might need mentioning in the beginning because otherwise it may come across that your author voice is coming through, not the voice of your character.


I shook my head. ‘He’s been done for killing a Pakistani in Poole. Remember the house fire in Green Road?’ Nodding to confirm that I did, ‘Well, he’s been jailed for startin’ the blaze. One other thing, Ben. Beware of the Capilano family, particularly now yeh’ve injured their son. It’s rumoured on the estate, that they’re linked to the Mafia and that Mr Capilano deals in drugs.’


Okay, this seems like a really important part of what's coming up in the plot, but I'd say it is lost with the amount of dialogue there is in this section, so i am even more inclined to encourage you to use summarised discourse, or Ben's internal reasoning, so that this part will stand out to your reader when you get to it. Especially if the description of Al (maybe consider a longer name so it's more noticable, Al is very short, like Asphixiation Al LoL, or something) is important later in the story.

Well, I hope I've helped, but obviously I can only comment as a reader. I think you have potentially a great story here.

All the best,

Charlie


Joella at 12:03 on 09 May 2010  Report this post
Hi Jim,
I apologise for not responding sooner. Somehow this slipped my attention. I would like to thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this story. I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Kind regards, Joella.

Joella at 12:14 on 09 May 2010  Report this post

Hi Charlie and thank you for such a detailed response! I would like to answer some of your comments and see if they placate your concerns.

1.
'The first thing that struck me with this chapter, though, is that it is the first we get to see of Ben's mother and yet you skip over this important meeting with a short paragraph, and she only gets to bring in tea and cake later on! We already know there is some strain between the two's relationship, what with her withdrawal from him folling his father's death, but you don't allow us to see the dynamic between them. You tell us she fusses over his injuries but we don't see how their relationship interplays. A person's family is an important part of their make-up so I would encourage you to go into more detail on it'.


ANS -
I accept Ben’s relationship with his mother is important. All you know at this point is that he hankers after her affection, but she is unable to demonstrate her love for him.

Previously:
‘Languishing a while longer, my mother came to mind. Despite everything, I loved her, of course, but we weren’t close. I didn’t feel welcome in her world and there were times when I felt responsible for her melancholy existence. We never enjoyed physical affection: I had no recollection of her ever giving me a kiss or cuddle. There were times when I thought she wanted to, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it. With so little in common, it was difficult to engage in meaningful conversation. She loved me though, I never doubted that she loved me, just wished she could find a way to show it.’

Ben’s mother doesn't enter the story until the second half of chapter 3.

‘Sometime after breakfast the following day, mum arrived home.’

*Till then you only know her through Ben’s internal voice. Clearly, their relationship has to be resolved one way or the other, but it is not the subject of this chapter.

‘A former nurse, my mother concerned herself with whether I’d received the correct medical treatment, more than how I was feeling. ‘

You can pick up by the above that Ben’s mother can demonstrate her love in a professional way. She loves him, just can’t show it.
It’s all building for the time when the situation is resolved.

Does this make sense?

VINCE

2.
'The following section goes to great lengths to describe something that happened to ....who? Sorry, who is Vince? I can't remember as I read the other chapters quite a while ago (sorry!). The point is, he seems a minor character but your putting him in the spotlight for longer than Ben's mother, who I think you need to explore more, at this point. (IMHO)'

ANS
*Vince is mentioned in ch2.
Ben tells Mr Dodds that he was an eye witness to the fight. Mr Dodds sends for him but he never arrives.

‘Look, I’m trying to get an eye witness for you. Can you name someone who saw the fight? Someone who’s testimony you could trust?’
‘Vince Stuart,’ I replied without hesitation. ‘I remember seeing him. He’d tell the truth, Sir.’

*Lying in the sick bay, Ben asks Mr Dodds what happened to vince and receives a vague response:

‘Vince,’ he revealed, somewhat hesitantly. ‘He ummn ... found out about it.’
Drawing a breath, intending to probe his vague response, a sudden painful spasm diverted my attention.

*When Vince arrives at the farm, Ben wants to know what happened to him.

REASON FOR DIALOGUE BETWEEN BEN & VINCE:

Only male friend at school, but first time he’d gone to Merryfields. Ben’s mother bringing in cake and drinks - she wants to welcome Ben’s friend. Pleased her son has a friend over - hopes he’ll come again.
Discover Ben has won competitions on his horse.
Ben finds out what happened to Vince.
Vince warns Ben about Al (becomes - Hat) and Capilano family. Very significant. Can’t change Al’s name as has to be vague.
Ben is different from other boys his age. He’s not interested in girls / pubs. This is important.
The mention of Eloise and her attraction to other boys.
Vince moving away - Ben is isolated once more.


3
'I'm being brutal here but please know I say all this with friendship and with the aim of helping there are only so many fight scenes you need to describe to us. We know Cappy is a mad nutter, we know the turn of events in the last chapters, we don't need to hear Ben tell someone else the same thing'.

ANS
*I take your point about the length of the dialogue and will see if I can cut it down. Maybe I’l delete the explanation of the fight. I think this could be oversold. A little too self indulgent, I think.

4
'The dialogue is good though, it's definitely one of your strong points. I noticed this Vince seems to have an accent, so does Cappy, if I remember rightly, but Ben doesn't. Why is this? Did he move there only recently? This might need mentioning in the beginning because otherwise it may come across that your author voice is coming through, not the voice of your character'.

ANS
Ben is relatively well spoken, as he’s brought up by adults without siblings or influence of friends other than Roxanne, who too is well spoken. When I write dialogue for other characters, it’s not so much accent, but laziness in pronunciation that I’m trying to represent. Two people can have the same accent when they say a particular word, but the written form would be different.

* Do you think I need to look at this further?

I hope I’ve answered your points, but if you still have concerns then let me know. Virtually everything in my story has a part to play. This is an intricate plot and what's being played out in these initial chapters, promises an interesting twist.

Thanks again Charlie. Really appreciate your time and effort in reading and responding. You always give me lots to think about. That makes me justify what I’ve written and helps to keep me on track.

Kind regards, Joella.




To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .