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Cast Aside

by tusker 

Posted: 22 April 2010
Word Count: 126
Summary: For the 'broken' challenge. Sorry it's short.


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She’d seen old people and drunks sitting on benches in the park as if waiting, she assumed, to speak to someone, anyone. She noticed their loneliness that seemed to create a grey aura around their shoulders like an invisible warning to others, ‘Do Not Approach.’

Pity would wash over her for an instant as she hurried past, always busy, forever preoccupied but now she sits on a bench in that same park, mist seeping out around her shoulders.

No one has passed by on this chill early morning apart from a man in his business suit who looked at his watch and cast a quick glance in her direction where she sat fingers tapping chipped, dirty nails on a plastic bag full of empty lager cans.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 08:39 on 22 April 2010  Report this post
I wonder what happened to put her in that place? She seemed very aware of their plight and yet she sank down into it - but we do that don't we - we see the warnings but we still follow the wrong path. Sad, Jennifer.

Prospero at 09:27 on 22 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

This reminded me of a song called 'Shopping Bag Ladies' by Dean Friedmann which has a line about Shopping bag ladies having once been children. Very poignant little vignette.

Best

John

Crimsondelilah at 17:41 on 22 April 2010  Report this post
Nice Jennifer. I too wondered how she had sunk so low. Great imagery too. I might have reshuffled the last line so it starts with her fingers tapping on the plastic bag. Good read.

tusker at 09:48 on 23 April 2010  Report this post
Thanks Margaret.

Sometimes an alcholic has no idea what made them turn to drink.

Once she was a busy person like that businesman who hurried past her.

Sadly, there are many like her who held responsible jobs or were wives and mothers.

Jennifer

Elbowsnitch at 20:26 on 23 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer, I love the "mist seeping out around her shoulders", picking up the observation in the first paragraph. Likewise the man who casts a quick glance in her direction, as she's so often done herself in another life.

Sharp and poignant - a great flash!

Frances

tusker at 06:43 on 24 April 2010  Report this post
Yes, Oonah, there by the grace of God there go I.

Jennifer

tusker at 06:44 on 24 April 2010  Report this post
Thanks John.

I don't recall that song but glad it struck a cord.

Jennifer

tusker at 06:45 on 24 April 2010  Report this post
Thanks Frances, glad you liked it.

Jennifer

Cholero at 20:14 on 24 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

Touching and real.

The chipped fingernail a beautiful motif.

Loved the shift in viewpoint from herself to the businessman, offering the perspective you need to get the point across.

mist seeping out around her shoulders.
-super half magic-realism, half real!

Great detail of the bag full of cans.

Good writing, real portraiture.

Pete

tusker at 07:07 on 25 April 2010  Report this post
Thanks Pete. Glad you liked it.

Jennifer

crazylady at 09:36 on 25 April 2010  Report this post
All this told in just 126 words.
Well done!
The torment and self destruction of this terrible disease is shown graphically.
Let's hope someone - anyone makes eye contact and smiles. It may just make a difference.

Thanks
CL

tusker at 10:00 on 25 April 2010  Report this post
Thanks CL.

I hope so but doubt it.

Jennifer


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