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Unlucky Vampire - Chapter 3

by Katheryn_UK 

Posted: 01 April 2010
Word Count: 1577
Summary: not expecting big comments,just a guideline for if it flows/makes sense- that sort of thing. :D
Related Works: Unlucky Vampire • Unlucky Vampire - Chapter 2 • Unlucky Vampire: chapter 4 • 

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Chapter three.

Joel sat on his bed, holding his head. He was in excrutiating pain. He knew why, of course. Anna was having her nightmare again. He could feel it, could feel the radiating heat and the waves of nausea building up from the pit of his stomach that were known symtoms of his connection with her. He didn't like it, and by all means it didn't make him feel closer to her. If anything he wanted to be further away from her.
“Wake up, Wake up!” he whispered to himself. Saying that did no good, he knew, but it would make him feel better none the less.
His bedroom was next to Anna's, which was probably why the connection was stronger. They all say Anna was unlucky, but he was beginning to think he had the bad luck aswell.
She doesn't scream in her sleep anymore.
I suppose she's given up since our dad can't help her, he thought. I've noticed she doesnt have nightmares every day, which is good because I'd go crazy.
The time was only 08:45. The party last night went smoothly, thankgod. His mother, known for her drinking of late, survived the party by, again, drowning her worries in strong champagne and smiling so tight her face could crack. Joel could feel how annoyed and also relieved at the same time Anna was. He too was worried for her along with the others. Only his mum and dad knew about his connection. His other siblings just assumed he was being weird or melodramatic. Kim just thought he was on drugs. I wish, he thought. That would make my migraine seem so much less annoying. Especially since he couldn't control the emotions.
About ten minutes later, the pain faded and by that he knew she'd awoken. Maybe I can get some sleep now, he thought. He had no college yet, he didn't start until next week on a new course. He was worried, however, that he would still feel Annas emotions even ten miles away. He hadn't tested the boundaries. He did hope that it wouldn't affect him at Abingdon College but nothing could be certain.
He lay back down on his double bed and pulled his Iron Man duvet over him. Staring at the ceiling he wondered for a moment, what it was like to be a vampire. He knew Anna hated it, but after all, his dad managed it. He slowly closed his eyes, and hoped that he could sleep now.

Anna P.O.V

To sleep, is to dream. I don't know why. I dont know how. But I do. And it's not pretty.
The first time I had a dream as a vampire, I ran screaming to my father in my Hello Kitty pajamas.
“Daddy, I'm scared. I had a nightmare.” I cried out.
He ran his hands through my hair soothingly. “It's okay sweet, that's natural. Now you go back to bed okay.” he smiled at me and I turned and went back to my room. That was a month after I turned. I say turned because that is a far simpler term. The way I change is not only depressing, but it's painful. It's almost like I get put on a stretching rack and suddenly I'm a beanstalk. Except I've only grown an inch quicker than I should do.

That nightmare was so vivid that I'll never forget it. It also doesnt help that I have the same nightmare every week or so since. But instead of screaming or crying to dad, I learn to deal with it. It's set on a hill top, and I'm glowing in the moonlight holding a shovel.
I'm not alone, there are three other people, or more, vampires, with me. Up ahead are an army of older, stronger vampires with all sorts of armor and weapens. All I have is a shovel.
Damn! I think to myself. They will kill me!
The next thing I know I am ripping heads off these vampires and, to put it bluntly, screaming bloody murder. That's when I usually wake up screaming. I don't know if it's a prophecy or just an active imagination or my sense wanting me to go out and hunt.
I do know that if I keep having this, dream as it were, that I'm going to go crazy. That's why I keep getting tired. I also forgot to mention one little fact, before I changed, I hated the dark. I was terrified. I think it was my body telling me that there's irony in every person. Since now I can't really face the sun, I have to put up with the dark. I still hate it.

I had the same dream this time. And again I wake up sweating on my pillow and breathing erratically with my heart pounding away. Which freaks me out more because in the books, a vampire's heart stops.
I check my night stand. I've only been asleep for three hours. It's sunny outside. I have thick curtains over the window but I can still tell the sun is there. It's something to do with our extra sensitive eyes that makes us able to tell the sun is there even without leaving the house. Even on a cloudy day, the body knows if there's even a small chance of sun. It makes me sad to think I'll never get to sunbathe again. Never. Not unless my immune system builds really quickly. Preferably soon.

I sit up and rub my eyes. My room looks eery. Slightly depressing. It's obvious it's missing the life I once had. I miss that life too. I miss Adrianne. I decide to pull out my mobile from my nightstand drawer and call her.
She answers after three rings.
“Hey, what's up?” I say. A slight sombre edge to my voice. I can hear talking in the background. Well she would be at college after all.
“Hey honey, how are you? Shouldnt you be asleep?” she asks. She knows me so well. I sigh and cross my legs, fiddling with the end of my trousers.
“Yeah, I'm good. I just had that same nightmare. I can't sleep. What are you doing?”
I hear muttering, and then the noise quietens. “Oh I'm just walking into college. Awww no honey, is it the same nightmare, where you... you know?” she asks quietly. Obviously trying not to attract attention.
“Yep, that's the one. I miss you Ade. I wish you could come over.” I say wistfully.
She sighs sadly. “Well, when you're ready, I'll be around yours in a flash and then we can have fun.” she says happily. “Not that kinda fun though, hon. I mean, I love you and all, but you're so not my type,” she says, laughing.
“Yeah, thanks. Well I managed Richard's birthday party today without killing anyone so I should be ready to see the public soon.” I say hopefully. I smile. I actually didn't hurt anyone today. I am secretly pleased with myself.
“That's great honey. I really miss you too. You need to get this thing under control fast. Anyways, i gotta go to class now but call me later if you still can't sleep okay? Love you. Hugs and kisses.” she finally says.
“Okay, love you too. Hugs. Speak to you laters,” I cancel the call.
I thought that would make me feel better but to be honest i feel worse. Just knowing that there's a whole life outside of this house that i'm never going to see again makes me want to throw up. I know my dad couldn't help who he became, as neither can I, but it just furiates me.
I can't go out of my room because its been designed for a vampire. Well, it wasnt originally but my father input a few extras. Like thicker curtains. Extra padded walls incase i get angry and decide to punch something. Carpetted floors so that i can't lift up the floor boards at any moment and stake myself. I mean, as if!
I walked to my laptop, sat down and decided to write my diary. I know the old fashioned diaries are paper made but I have my own way.

“Dear Diary,” I started in LifeJournal. Now to open my heart, so to speak.
It's been four months and I'm already hating my life. I wish I could rewind. I wish that it was Kim or Richard or even Joel that had this horrible disease and not me. I miss Adrianne. I mean my old life. I pray to god I will survive the next few months around my family but I don't know if I can. I get this horrible urge sometimes just to kill someone. And I know that's bad but I can't help it. Dad tells me I will grow out of that phase and learn to deal with what I have but I don't know if I want to. I'm a monster, so why shouldn't I act like one, or think like one. Urgh, help me god. Someone understand my plea. I just want this torture to end. Or at the very least, to be able to have friends over just once!
Until tomorrow... or at least, until I get some sleep.

I lean back on the stool, momentarily forgetting it has no back and fall flat on the floor behind me, hitting my head on the edge of the bed. Ouch!

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Comments by other Members

toshi at 12:36 on 07 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Kathryn,

I just noticed that you had posted this. I think it is probably a good idea to put a note in the news/postings section for the group, otherwise no one notices when a new work is posted!

Anyway, I thought it was very well written. Your characters have great emotions and deep seated problems they are trying to come to terms with which the reader can easily understand and connect with. Although this was only a short passage I found myself really wanting to know how Anna had become a vampire, how she was going to sort out her problems with it, and the same for Joel, who if anything seemed more interesting with his weird connection to his sister and the effect it was having on him. I liked your style too which had the right balance of thoughtfulness and observation to make it instantly resonate with the reader.

If I had any suggestions to make, I would suggest removing some of the "he thought", "he knew" bits from the first section. You don't really need them and it helps make the writing more immediate to leave them out.

He knew why, of course. Anna was having her nightmare again.

could just as well be "Of course, Anna was having her nightmare again"

There were quite a large number of typos you will need to deal with before submitting to anyone.
excruciating - sp.
thank god - two words
armour - sp.
carpeted - sp.
"my father put in a few extras", not "input"

I'm afraid that is just an example.

To change Points of view, it would be better to put three asterixes, so the reader knows the point of view has changed.

Also, be careful with the tense in the Anna section. It is supposed to be present tense, but occasionally you slip into past.

That nightmare was so vivid that I'll never forget it.

Shouldn't this be present tense? That nightmare is so vivid that I'll never forget it.

Would it be better to start the Anna section with this sentence?

I had the same dream this time.

Shouldn't this be "I have the same dream this time"?

I'm not sure about the diary bit. It followed the same language and style as the previous section, and seemed only to be an extension of what was already being said. Do you need to show it in the form of a diary? Also, would it be better written in italics?

Anyway I hope that is helpful. Good luck with your writing

Best wishes

Katheryn_UK at 19:30 on 08 April 2010  Report this post
oh thanks. yeah the diary was written in italics but some how didnt come across like that when i copied and pasted into here. Anna was a born vampire, so really there wasn't any other way of her becoming one. i mean, my story is only rough. i only put it on here to see what people think. when i get all serious comments it gets me a bit like "i'm not even finished yet" kinda feeling. but i get what you mean about the spelling and stuff.

toshi at 16:37 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Kathryn

I can see that my comments were not very helpful to you. It would probably be better for you to say at the outset that you are not looking for serious comments on your work, so I know not to waste my time in future.

Good luck with your writing anyway.


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