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Super Nova love
Posted: 22 March 2010
Word Count: 108
Summary: I have made a few changes that you all suggested and added a bit more so I hope this is the final edit. hope you still like it.
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In life things happen that are cataclysmic
just like love. sometimes its not meant to be
and nature takes its Course.
Like a star expanding out into the universe, its
energy expended, its heat felt
by no one, it’s light to far away for any planet to see.
Exhausted it shrinks into obscurity turning a shy red
before exploding into Super nova, it's mass scattered
to the ends of space, its molecular structure regenerated
by other stars fed on fragmented atoms,
unforgiving to our pain, unsympathetic to our grief, unaware
Of our own place in the grand order of things.
Sometimes love is just like this.
T Morgan
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Comments by other Members
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 SarahT at 00:37 on 24 March 2010
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Tony,
You've done it again! This is fab. I love the subject and it's a fantastic metaphor, all the better for being focussed and short. I have a few suggestions for edits - mainly, I thought that it might benefit from trimming the 'its' out. I was also thrown a little by the reference to 'energy expended' because this contradicts the fact that it is growing, so clearly has to have some energy to grow. I think that you mean to illustrate that it is effectively 'wearing out', so perhaps remove the reference to growing. So, if this isn't too much of a liberty, can I suggest the following?
In life things happen that are cataclysmic
just like love. Sometimes it's not meant to be
and nature takes its course.
Like a star expanding out into the universe,
energy expending, heat felt
by no one, light too far away for any planet to see.
Exhausted it shrinks into obscurity before
exploding into Super nova, mass scattered
to the ends of space, molecular structure regenerated
by other stars fed on fragmented atoms, remorseless
at our pain, unsympathetic to our grief and unaware
Of own place in the grand order of things.
Sometimes love is just like this. |
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James might have some other views on structure. I know he likes to cut things up!
S
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 V`yonne at 15:13 on 24 March 2010
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Yes I'd go with Sarah's suggestions. I thought if you bgan line 3
just as a star expands....
you could avoid the word 'like' again.
and that maybe remorseless is too strong - something more like unheeding but that's not right either...
I liked the simplicity of the last line.
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 James Graham at 21:22 on 24 March 2010
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It's a modern Homeric simile! An extended simile that goes into great detail, so that the comparison with a super-nova takes up much more of the poem than the actual subject of the poem - love. This is an adventurous idea. It probably needs a little revision as Sarah and Oonah have suggested, but the idea is...how else can I put it?...super.
James.
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Tmog at 00:26 on 31 March 2010
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Thanks for all the comments i have made some of the changes you suggested and added a little bit more , It shrinks into obscurity turning a shy red , referring to the sometimes embarrassed way that we feel at the break up of a relationship. Thanks again for the help.
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