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2nd attempt
Posted: 19 March 2010
Word Count: 221
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Susan Flints life was running smoothly. She had a place on her dream college course, a reliable fiancé with a good job, and a niece and nephew that she adored. Most of all, she adored being able to hand them back at the end of the day.
But all this comes crashing down around her, when her brother and his wife are killed in a car crash. Her niece and nephew turn into a full time responsibility, her fiancé into a waste of time, and her life into something there aren’t enough hours in the day for.
She definitely doesn’t have time for millionaire playboy Alessandro Carducci, and his crazy insistence that the crash was not an accident, until someone leaves an envelope full of creepy photos and a threatening letter on her doorstep.
With nowhere else to turn, Susan must work with Alessandro to find out who is behind an increasingly violent series of events, as she tangles with the increasingly potent attraction between them.
But can she trust her own judgement? Finding out that Alessandro may not be all that he seems drives her straight into the path of danger, which proves to be even closer to home than she could ever have imagined. Will he prove to be the man that she thought and save her in time?
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Comments by other Members
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 NMott at 17:11 on 19 March 2010
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This version is much better, and firmly places the novel in the right genre: I'm erring on the side of Chick-lit, because of the mc's age (which suits a younger readership), the best friend from version 1, and the humorous tone which is coming out in this version.
Couple of technical points:
Repetition of 'adored' in the first paragraph - I'd advise replacing 2nd adorded with another word;
and repetition of 'increasingly' in the 4th paragraph - I'd advise replacing 'increasingly' and 'potent' with something else.
At 221 words it is a bit short. Blurby synopses like this are often short and sweet - less than a page - but they do need to show oyu've written a whole novel, so it's best to include the ending, and especially show the mc's character arc: ie, what they were like at the beginning; the conflicts they face; what they were like at the end - you've covered the first two, but left out the last bit: -
| But can she trust her own judgement? Finding out that Alessandro may not be all that he seems drives her straight into the path of danger, which proves to be even closer to home than she could ever have imagined. Will he prove to be the man that she thought and save her in time? |
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It's best not to pose questions to the Agent - it's the job of the synopsis to answer them.
So the first sentence could be turned around to 'Unsure whether she can trust her own judgement....'
And then with the last question, add a few more sentences to wrap it all up (btw, does she adopt her nephew and niece?)
- NaomiM
<Added>
Just another tweek:
She had a place on her dream college course -
'She had a place at her dream College'.
<Added>
It could be Romance, but there are stricter conventions for that genre and the main characters tend to be closer to their gender stereotypes.
<Added>
If I'm wrong about the humorous tone, then it would fall into the Romance genre.
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 j.oreilly at 10:44 on 22 March 2010
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Hi Naomi
thanks for that, you have answered one of my questions, which was whether or not it was too short. I did get to the last paragraph and grind to a halt somewhat, as I was also unsure about quite how much detail regarding the ending to include, and you've addressed that too  , so really helpful.
Jane
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penpusher at 17:29 on 24 March 2010
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Just a small point.
The first paragraph is written in past tense and then the rest in present tense.
I think the general rule for a synopsis is that everything is written in present tense.
If you haven't finally decided on genre, Harlequin Mills and Boon's 'Intrigue' line, which is romance with suspense. More details and some good guidelines on their website.
<Added>
whoops! I meant to say ....genre, you could try Harlequin ... etc.
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 Freebird at 13:43 on 29 March 2010
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It's great for a blurb (apart from the change in tense - perhaps the first paragraph could be along the lines of 'Susan Flint's life had been running smoothly....' - and note the apostrophe in her name). It would certainly make me want to read it! From what I can gather, agents need to know a bit more than this - they want to see how you actually work out the plot and whether Alessandro really IS the man she thought he would be.
Sounds like a smart chick-lit story!
freebird
<Added>
or even 'Susan Flint's life has been running smoothly...until now.'
Gosh, it's not even my synopsis and I'm getting tangled with it. What hope do I have with my own??!
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