Recurrence
Posted: 18 March 2010
Word Count: 137
Summary: week 81 challenge - recurrence
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Like the waves of the sea, you come to me,
you crash over me, covering every part of me
with warm contentment, soothing calm.
I am moved by the force of you,
pushed about, unable to resist your power,
you crash against me.
Sometimes, you take my feet out from under me,
other times, with gentle caresses,
you wash over me.
But, like the waves of the sea, you leave me,
alone on the sand,
as you recede slowly out to sea.
Part of you is still with me,
part of you still clings to me as you go.
I stand there looking out to sea with longing and expectation,
Knowing you will return, hoping it will be soon,
to crash over me once again.
Like the waves of the sea, you come back,
I am waiting….
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 16:56 on 18 March 2010
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I'll wait til I've done mine first but I won't be able to upload til Saturday now... Hope you're well
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 M. Close at 17:12 on 18 March 2010
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I'm doing OK Oonah...Have been traveling and not doing much writing. Looking forward to reading yours, as always!
Mike
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Nella at 20:46 on 18 March 2010
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This is lovely, Mike.
Especially liked this:
But, like the waves of the sea, you leave me,
alone on the sand,
as you recede slowly out to sea. |
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I'm not sure you really need that last line.
And you could maybe tighten it up a wee bit:
Like the waves of the sea, you come to me,
you crash over me, covering every part of me
with warm contentment, soothing cool and calm. |
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could perhaps be changed to:
"Like the waves of the sea, you come to me,
crash over me, cover every part of me
with warm contentment, cool and calm"
Thanks for joining in - and enjoy your travels!
Robin
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V`yonne at 13:55 on 19 March 2010
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I like this. It's nice for the theme. I agree about that first stanza.
The second seems a very passive voice. I'd like more of you move me rather than I am moved by you...
Here
other times, you come against me
wash over me with gentle caresses.
and I think you could make it stronger by making it active not passive eg
I know you will return. I hopE it will be soon,
to crash over me again
like the waves of the sea. You come back,
If you go that way with it it will be less passive on both sides.
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M. Close at 16:09 on 19 March 2010
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Thanks for your comments....I changed a few lines hoping to tighten it up a bit.
Not too sure about the less passive thing...The waves are the active things here, the recurring force. A person on the beach is being washed by or caressed by on knocked down by the waves. The person in this poem is the passive one, the waves are active....
But I may be way off here, if so, please explain further to help me understand.
Thanks,
Mike
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V`yonne at 21:56 on 19 March 2010
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Its just the voice that's pasive
I am moved by the force of you,
instead of
you move me
which is active and more direct
Tha's all I meant
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 FelixBenson at 12:05 on 20 March 2010
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Hi Mike
I love the melancholy and longing in the poem, which fits perfectly with the subject - the trope of the waves.
I agree about the tightening up - less is more, but this is definately one worth working on.
Best, Kirsty
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Nella at 15:58 on 21 March 2010
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| I am moved by the force of you, |
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I rather like this line, though it is in passive voice and active voice can lend more immediacy.
I agree with Kirsty that you should keep working on this!
Robin
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