Mothers Day Confetti
Posted: 17 March 2010
Word Count: 136
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Emerging from a half remembered dream,
soft thuds and whispers.
Half heard phrases and commands,
masking tape, bit higher,
not yet Daniel, too early.
Door gently opened,
two smiling faces.
Fists clenched, voices united
One, two, three!
Arms flung out, hands opened wide,
slithers of crayoned paper
scatter to the sound
Happy Mothers Day!
Smiles and laughter,
cuddling up in bed.
My two precious boys,
simply full of love.
They could not know.
Confetti did not rain down
that other day,
that day of union.
No church, no God
oversaw the vows.
Now apart in this the first year
of you not being near.
Me alone with the boys,
my heart starts to sing
for here I can begin
to create new rituals, new joy.
Newly coloured confetti
brings a rainbow to my rainy, cold heart.
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Comments by other Members
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 FelixBenson at 16:25 on 19 March 2010
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This reads like a very moving personal poem, Lyra.
There is a very stirring sense of renewal at the end;
Me alone with the boys,
my heart starts to sing
for here I can begin
to create new rituals, new joy. |
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This verse, borne out of the sadness of the penultimate verse lifts the poem back up to the joy of the scene at the start.
Thanks for posting, Kirsty
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 James Graham at 17:18 on 20 March 2010
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A very touching poem - refreshing to read a poem that describes a moment of pure joy, even though of course there is a shadow too. When you write about a happy experience it’s easy to slip into sentimentality, and you’ve done a little of that here; if you could trim or change one or two things, I think that would leave the poem stronger and more authentic in feeling.
First there’s ‘my rainy, cold heart’ which sounds like some golden oldie pop song! I’d suggest simply
Newly coloured confetti
makes a rainbow. |
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The difference is that this holds back more. It doesn’t wear its heart on its sleeve. The emotion seems deeper, not so blatant. Given those closing lines, any reader with any imagination would sense the emotional content of ‘rainbow’ without having to be told any more.
‘My heart starts to sing’ is another line from an old song. Maybe replace that with something plainer, more understated?
Perhaps ‘Newly coloured confetti’could be improved. (This is nothing to do with being sentimental, just to add further interest to the poem). Why not highlight more (‘newly’ already does, a little) that it was home-made confetti? ‘Home-made confetti’ in fact could be the second-last line.
This last point isn’t absolutely necessary, but you could get away with
cutting out the first two lines of that section. Condensing the last section in this way could add to its impact. See what you think.
A very attractive poem - needing only a little polishing.
James.
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 V`yonne at 18:20 on 22 March 2010
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I liked this but the first line is close on cliche and I'd try to change that becasue it does the freshness a disservice.
I raise my head to
or even just start on the second line...
I agree with James too.
Lovely poem
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 Lyra at 14:30 on 23 March 2010
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Thank you for your kind comments and feedback, it is an emotional poem and because of this it is harder for me to view it objectively so good to get some ideas on how it could be improved. I have taken on board what has been said and here is my edited version, a bit crisper and without so many cliches I hope!
Thick with sleep,
soft thuds and whispers.
Half heard phrases and commands,
masking tape, bit higher,
not yet Daniel, too early.
Door gently opened,
two smiling faces.
Fists clenched, voices united
One, two, three!
Arms flung out, hands opened wide,
slithers of crayoned paper
scatter to the sound
Happy Mothers Day!
Smiles and laughter,
cuddling up in bed.
My two precious boys,
simply full of love.
They could not know.
Confetti did not rain down
that other day,
that day of union.
No church, no God
oversaw the vows.
Now alone with the boys,
my heart starts to sing
for here I can begin
to create new rituals, new joy.
Together we create
handmade confetti.
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James Graham at 20:10 on 23 March 2010
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What a good revision! The poem loses nothing by it - in fact in gains a lot and the emotion is stronger because you don't express it in heart-on-sleeve terms but let it emerge from the concrete detail. Your new ending
Together we create
handmade confetti |
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is the best example. It ends the poem on a concrete instead of abstract note, and lets the reader discover the feeling - lets the feeling emerge. The opening lines are much better too. It's a transformation!
Maybe the overheard words
masking tape, bit higher,
not yet Daniel, too early |
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could be in italics or quotation marks?
James.
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SarahT at 00:59 on 24 March 2010
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Lyra, I read this the other day but I like your revision better. It has pepped up the poem in the right places. When I first read it, I thought that it was a bit too 'hurrah' at the beginning to segue neatly into the second half, especially with that last line, but you have addressed this.
Its a lovely little atmospheric poem. I especially like this:
Arms flung out, hands opened wide,
slithers of crayoned paper
scatter to the sound
Happy Mothers Day! |
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It reminds me of when my children and my sisters were very young!
Sarah
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