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synopsis, comments please

by j.oreilly 

Posted: 16 March 2010
Word Count: 560


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The story starts in a coroners court. Susan Flint is waiting to hear the coroners verdict on the death of her brother, Sam Flint. He was killed in a car crash, together with his wife. His boss, Frank Carducci, owner of the hugely successful Carducci Motors,was at the wheel. In a shock turn of events, the coroner rules accidental death. Susan leaves her college course, leave her fiancé, and moves into the flat her brother owned, in order to care for his two children. She takes on a job altering wedding dresses to make ends meet and is rebuilding her life, when Franks brother, Alessandro, comes into her life. He believes that the crash was not an accident. Susan agrees to meet with him, and he convinces her that things were not as the coroner suggested. Later that day, Susan receives an envelope of photographs and a threat. Frightened and alone, she calls Alessandro, who brings in Cherry Spencer, a detective sergeant who takes the matter personally and seriously. Alessandro heads back to his factory, realising that he may have had a near collision with whoever delivered the photos. He cannot find the driver, but he does find out that Sam and Frank had designed an engine part that was potentially worth millions, though the completed plans are missing. His godbrother, Richard Laube, calls a meeting. He wants money, to support his own floundering engineering business. Alessandro refuses.
The following day, Susan comes home from work to find that her neighbour has been brutally murdered. Evidence suggests that he saw whoever left the photographs. Carl turns up unexpectedly. He seems to want friendship, but Susan isn’t sure she can trust him.
Instead, she opts for an evening of dress making with her best friend, Becci. Clearing out the flat, they find a memory stick in an unexpected place. Assuming it belonged to her sister in law, Susan sticks it in her workbasket and forgets all about it. After attending Beccis wedding with Alessandro, Susan returns home to find the flat has been ransacked. She has to stay with him, until the police have finished their sweep. Forced into close proximity, their friendship develops. Susan is too busy to worry about it however, when she is asked to design and make a bespoke dress. Leaving work, she is mugged. Her attacker is found murdered. Alessandros house is now the only place she feels safe, and their relationship becomes intimate.
Called into work to fit the dress, Susan finds out that the client is Alessandros fiancee. Shocked at his betrayal, she leaves the shop alone, and runs into Carl. He kidnaps her, hiding her in the Carducci factory, where he confesses to all five murders.
Carl was at university with Sam and Richard Laube. They were in the same tutor group. Carl claims that Sam stole the design from him and ruined his career. Together with Laube, he had planned to discredit Sam and steal the design, but things got out of hand. Now he wants to destroy what remains.
Alessandro and Cherry use the evidence Susan has gathered and find her in time. Carl is lost in the fire he has started at the factory. The client is revealed to be Richard Laubes sister. Alessandros mother has agreed to the marriage, though Alessandro has not, having his eye on another bride.






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NMott at 18:40 on 16 March 2010  Report this post
Hi, Jane, I'll post my first impressions as I read through it, following the assumption that an agent will only read it through the once so the clearer it is the better, and if you see me getting the wrong end of the stick you'll know those are areas that need clarification. And I'll throw some general comments in too about synopsis writing, and some commments about the plot if I think it's relevant (although, again, if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick about the mss, then it's the synopsis at fault, not the novel itself).
Synopses usually go through 3 drafts, so save this one and upload a reworked draft each time, just in case we need to refer back to anything in an earlier version.


The story starts in a coroners court.


Firstly it's best to write it from the main character's point of view. And start with a one line character sketch of the mc - most agents will read the submitted chapters first, before the synopsis, so they'll already know where the mss starts.


Susan Flint is waiting to hear the coroners verdict on the death of her brother, Sam Flint. He was killed in a car crash, together with his wife. His boss, Frank Carducci, owner of the hugely successful Carducci Motors,was at the wheel. In a shock turn of events, the coroner rules accidental death.


This opening section introduces 5 characters. As you've started with Susan presumably she is the main character, however, most of this section is about her brother's road traffic accident and the antagonist Frank Carducci, so how does that affect Susan?
As it currectly stands it implies the novel is a plot-driven thriller as Susan seeks justice for her brother's death, and Frank Carducci is the chief antagonist. Since we know who done it at the start, it's a 'Why dunnit' novel.


Susan leaves her college course, leave her fiancé, and moves into the flat her brother owned, in order to care for his two children. She takes on a job altering wedding dresses to make ends meet and is rebuilding her life, when Franks brother, Alessandro, comes into her life.


With these details the synopsis has moved from plot-driven thriller to character-driven womans fiction; about Susan trying to come to terms with her brother's death and being a 'foster mum' to her nephews/neices. To keep on track for a plot driven novel the 'wedding dresses' detail is unnecessary, it's sufficient to say 'tries to rebuild her life'. The upheaval in Susan's life where she gives up college and her fiance to care for her nephews/neices is a sub-plot so keep it short and sweet.
Include Susan's motivations for doing what she's doing, and her thoughts and feelings about it.

He believes that the crash was not an accident. Susan agrees to meet with him, and he convinces her that things were not as the coroner suggested. Later that day, Susan receives an envelope of photographs and a threat. Frightened and alone, she calls Alessandro, who brings in Cherry Spencer, a detective sergeant who takes the matter personally and seriously.


Ok, we're back to a plot-driven thriller/mystery novel. Not sure 'Cherry' is the best name for a detective.
You make a big deal over the photos, below, but have not said what's in them and why they are important to Susan's case.



Alessandro heads back to his factory, realising that he may have had a near collision with whoever delivered the photos. He cannot find the driver, but he does find out that Sam and Frank had designed an engine part that was potentially worth millions, though the completed plans are missing.


You've switched the pov to Alessandro implying he's a second main character.
Just using the names 'Sam' and 'Frank' it's difficult to remember who they are. It may be a bit unwieldy, but it might be better to remind the agent who they are.
How important is Cherry, if Alessandro is the one doing the investigating?

His godbrother, Richard Laube, calls a meeting. He wants money, to support his own floundering engineering business. Alessandro refuses.


Is this part of the main plot, a sub-plot or a red herring? Why is it necessary to make him a 'godbrother' rather than a brother or uncle or something simpler? Are you implying a mafia connection?

The following day, Susan comes home from work to find that her neighbour has been brutally murdered. Evidence suggests that he saw whoever left the photographs. Carl turns up unexpectedly. He seems to want friendship, but Susan isn’t sure she can trust him.


Who is Carl?


Instead, she opts for an evening of dress making with her best friend, Becci.


I'm not sure I buy this. Susan is looking after her brother's 2 children and her neighbour has been murdered becuase of the photos. Any normal person would get out of there; run for their life. An evening of dressmaking with her best friend has shades of chick-lit.


Clearing out the flat, they find a memory stick in an unexpected place. Assuming it belonged to her sister in law, Susan sticks it in her workbasket and forgets all about it.


You can't put the proverbial elephant in a room without using it. You've ignored the neighbour's murder so as to set this dressmaking scene so that your mc can find the memory stick, but then you have your mc make excuses for it and ignore it leaving the reader shouting at the mc 'what's on the stick?' - sorry, but that's going to be difficult for a reader to swallow.


After attending Beccis wedding with Alessandro, Susan returns home to find the flat has been ransacked. She has to stay with him, until the police have finished their sweep.


What has happened to the children? What has happened to the investigation? What is Cherry doing? If this is a thriller/mystery, then Becca is a minor character, and the wedding is a sub-plot. In which case the emphasis should be on the main plot thread, which is the investigation.

Forced into close proximity, their friendship develops. Susan is too busy to worry about it however, when she is asked to design and make a bespoke dress. Leaving work, she is mugged. Her attacker is found murdered. Alessandros house is now the only place she feels safe, and their relationship becomes intimate.


Now you are back to a character-driven womens fiction or chick-lit novel. Which is the main plot thread? The murder investigation or Susan & Alessandro's relationship? If it's the investigation then the relationship is a sub-plot. If it's the relationship, then the murder-mystery is a sub-plot - and the novel should be written from Susan's pov, not Alessandro's.
The mugging and murder is a plot device, used to drive the plot forward, however, the effect has been to drive Susan into Alessandro's arms rather than racking up the suspense of 'who's doing it? and why?' which points to a character-driven mss.

Called into work to fit the dress, Susan finds out that the client is Alessandros fiancee. Shocked at his betrayal, she leaves the shop alone, and runs into Carl. He kidnaps her, hiding her in the Carducci factory, where he confesses to all five murders.


Again, who is Carl?
With mention of the dress and Alessandro's fiance this is a character-driven mss.
The fact that Susan has been kidnaped and the murderer has confessed means it is not a plot-driven murder-mystery because there was no racking up of suspense; Susan and Alessandro have done nothing to close in on the real baddie.
It would be best to write the synopsis from Susan's pov and concentrate on her relationships, rather than the murder-mystery plot.

Carl was at university with Sam and Richard Laube. They were in the same tutor group. Carl claims that Sam stole the design from him and ruined his career. Together with Laube, he had planned to discredit Sam and steal the design, but things got out of hand. Now he wants to destroy what remains.


None of this has been set up/hinted at in the earlier scenes, which would be usual for a plot-driven mss. A lot of the focus was on the photos, but they doesn't seem to have led anywhere other than to the murder of the neighbour which Susan has not reacted to - you could have used that murder to drive Susan into Alessandro's arms, rather than have to repeat the murder following the mugging (and it's not explained why Susan was mugged).


Alessandro and Cherry use the evidence Susan has gathered and find her in time. Carl is lost in the fire he has started at the factory. The client is revealed to be Richard Laubes sister. Alessandros mother has agreed to the marriage, though Alessandro has not, having his eye on another bride.


It's not clear in the synopsis what evidence Susan has gathered.
It is not a good idea to introduce a new set of characters in the shape of Laude's sister and Alessandro's mother, at the end of the mss. Frank Carducci has been relegated to minor character. The initial accident that killed Susan's brother and his wife has not been resolved - it seems to have been a plot device to move Susan out of her old routine and into Sam's life. However, the repsonsibilities of looking after Sam's 2 children was not developed; and instead of a life full of industrial intrique it has been used more to set her up with Alessandro. Also Susan has kept her best friend which has been used to give her a normal life despite the round of murders and muggings.

Is there any humour in the mss? If so, it would place it in the Chick-lit noir sub-genre.


- NaomiM

<Added>

I think you are trying to write 2 novels: a plot driven murder-mystery-thriller. And a character-driven womens fiction mystery (or chick-lit noir).
As it stands the plot is not strong enough to make it a thriller - a lot is left to the final denoument.
I would suggest concentrating on Susan's character arc and make it Womans fiction mystery/romance - She's devistated at the death of her brother. Forcced to turn her life upsidedown to care for her brother's children. Maybe blames Frank Carlucci and seeks justice. Uses Alessandro to that end but ends up having a relationship with him. The 'rug pull' moment is when she discovers he has a fiance. Her life is in danger from Carl, the real baddie, responsible for various local murders, and Alessandro comes in to rescue her.

<Added>

...I would play down the intricacies of the plot and not mention the memory stick, laube, or the mother or sister at the end - leave those details for the novel itself.

<Added>

With regard to the memory stick, you could make that the reason for the mugging - she's found it, Sam's PC was smashed so she can't check it out, so she puts in in her pocket to take to Cherry to see if it's got anything useful on it against Calucci motors.

<Added>

Bear in mind that for each plot device you use in the mss, there will be ramifications for your MC (her state of mind, and the choices she makes), and for the surrounding characters.

saturday at 21:03 on 18 March 2010  Report this post
Hi there,

It is certainly action-packed, and I can imagine it in the glossy, 'block-buster' mode: shenanigans amongst the rich and glamorous. However, as it currently stands, I think the synopsis needs quite a lot of work as it feels quite confusing.

The story starts in a coroners court

I found this quite tame as an opening - it is quite flat. Could you start with something that draws the reader closer to the central character and how she feels about the situation she finds herself in?

coroners

apostrophe?

In a shock turn of events, the coroner rules accidental death

why is is a shock? He died in a car accident so accidental death seems feasible.

He believes that the crash was not an accident. Susan agrees to meet with him, and he convinces her that things were not as the coroner suggested.

The order seems wrong: you tell us what he thinks and then that she agrees to meet him.

Later that day, Susan receives an envelope of photographs and a threat. Frightened and alone, she calls Alessandro, who brings in Cherry Spencer, a detective sergeant who takes the matter personally and seriously. Alessandro heads back to his factory, realising that he may have had a near collision with whoever delivered the photos. He cannot find the driver, but he does find out that Sam and Frank had designed an engine part that was potentially worth millions, though the completed plans are missing. His godbrother, Richard Laube, calls a meeting. He wants money, to support his own floundering engineering business. Alessandro refuses.

I felt overloaded with information here. I would slow down and think about what we need to know and how it knits together. At the moment you have:
-the introduction of Cherry Spencer
-some sort of near-collision
-missing plans
-the introduction of Richard Laube
-Richard's demand for money
all crammed together within a few lines.

His godbrother

I don't know what a godbrother is

Carl turns up unexpectedly.

Who is he?

Instead, she opts for an evening of dress making with her best friend, Becci. Clearing out the flat,

This probably makes sense in the story, but in a synopsis it seems to leap around from one thing to another without any logic - is she dress-making or clearing the flat?

After attending Beccis wedding with Alessandro

I had to read this a couple of times - at first I though Becci was marrying Alessandro.

Again, you need to think about the sequence of events. If Susan has attended a wedding with Alessandro, wouldn't they already have a relationship?

she is mugged. Her attacker is found murdered

How do they know he is the attacker? Obviously you can't go into details in the synopsis, but when you just drop in the events like this, it feels too 'neat'.

He kidnaps her, hiding her in the Carducci factory, where he confesses to all five murders.
Carl has hardly featured and now he is suddenly revealed to be the murderer. I thnk you need to weave him into the story a bit more.

Carl was at university with Sam and Richard Laube. They were in the same tutor group.

The sudden introduction of Carl's back-story feels very odd and rather than adding to the story, is more likely to jerk the reader out of it.

Alessandros mother has agreed to the marriage
,
This sounds a bit weird - he is a grown man, his mother can't go round agreeing to marriages on his behalf, not unless he's the biggest wimp ever (and I'm sure he isn't).

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. Overall, I would say there are two main things to think about:
-who is Susan and how does she feel about what happens to her? At the moment it's a bit 'perils of Pauline' - lots of things happen but we don't really know what she is like (and therefore are less likely to care what happens to her)
-which of these events drive the story forward. How do they link together? At them moment, you seem to shunt around and there is a danger of the reader getting confused

Please feel free to ignore,
Saturday








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