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The attempt

by rahel 

Posted: 23 November 2003
Word Count: 144
Summary: I'm not a poet,in the sense that i'm not trained or experienced. This is just something I wrote one day when i was feeling oppressed and trapped in a situation.

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A window with the lock screwed on,
the only think from stopping me saying so long.
Look outside how people and cars move so rapidly,so lively,
whereas inside every life in me withers away oh so rapidly.
I'm gonna got to heaven or hell very soon now,
if only this stupid window ever opens,holy cow!
Sure, why not O'd on pills, better yet slit your wrist,
yes I understand that's much more simple and swift.
But man if I'm gonna take my life, I wanna fly,
I wanna fly, soar so very high, high up in the sky.
So you see my need for this window to open wide,
all I wanted was to fly,to ease my mind, but that I'm always denied.
Now with window opened wide, mind untied and denials defied,
finally I leap into the sky, mind untied forever I glide.

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Comments by other Members

Richardwest at 16:58 on 23 November 2003  Report this post
Hell, don't open the window, not with a talent like that. Sure, maybe the piece needs a little polishing but fundamentally it works exactly as intended, every aching line an articulation of angry despair. Now, where did I put my Prozac???


rahel at 17:05 on 23 November 2003  Report this post
Thanks Richard. I didn't know i had a talent, what i write is mostly the ramblings of a mad woman. I do agree about polishing my work up, just don't know. I'll join a workshop pretty soon.

Richardwest at 18:17 on 23 November 2003  Report this post
Workshops will always help but there has to be talent to begin with. You've certainly got that ('whereas inside every life in me withers away oh so rapidly'). By polishing I was thinking only of little typos ('think' in line 2: presumably, 'thing'?) and maybe an escape -- in a different sense -- from poetic restraints: this would resonate equally as well without the need for rhyming couplets throughout. But I'm no poet, so don't take any notice of me! 'Best --


roovacrag at 21:40 on 23 November 2003  Report this post
Poetry comes from the heart and the soul.No one makes you do it, comes naturally. You can lay in bed and a poem comes. Try to remember it next day and it has gone.Not the the first time i tried to remember and they are the best poems. Lost in dreams. xxx Al

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