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Jimmy

by Laurence 

Posted: 10 March 2010
Word Count: 469
Summary: I have an idea for a story based on a Victorian Waiting room. Jimmy sees a ghost of a lady looking for her son. He reunites the two. Jimmy has an extraordinary imagination so is not believed at first.


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Jimmy did his final packing and closed up the bag. The family were going on holiday which he was really looking forward to. He loved the places his father and mother selected because they were generally unusual and this year was no exception. The website showed a Station house, a railway platform and a Waiting room which had been converted into a holiday cottage. Although the trains no longer thundered through the station it was a place he felt would offer such adventures.
Jimmy stepped out of his bedroom onto the landing. He assumed his role of Agent Holmes and checked the stairs for lasers.
Jimmy Holmes lived with his mother and father and baby sister. They are comfortably off but winning the lottery would come in handy or at least that was what his father would say every time his numbers did not come up. Jimmy loved his family and he loved the village he lived in. Jimmy was the kind of boy who could spend hours on his own making up the most incredible adventures. His friends would come round and join in but would soon get bored but Jimmy could play for hours.
‘Let’s watch telly,’ said Paul, Jimmy’s best friend.
‘Why?’ asked Jimmy.
‘Because I’m cold and I want to go inside,’ he said shivering. The boys had been out on the moors overlooking the village for several hours playing in the snow. Jimmy has suggested that they were great explorers like Scott and that they were searching for the Pole.
‘What pole?’ asked Paul.
‘Any pole! Who cares? We are famous and the eyes of the world are on us,’ said Jimmy enthusiastically.
‘I’m going home,’ said Paul and off he traipsed.
The snow had long gone and Jimmy was now beginning the big holiday; he had six glorious weeks of adventures and to top it all the family were all going to Staward where they would stay in a cottage which had once been a Victorian Waiting Room.
Jimmy had been asked if he wanted to take a friend with him but he had declined. If he took Paul he would only want to play on his play-station and not go on adventures. Jimmy was aware the nearest town to the cottage was several miles away but that didn’t bother him.
‘Jimmy have you packed?’ shouted his mother up the stairs.
‘Nearly!’
‘Get a move on, we are leaving shortly.’
Jimmy looked out of his window and saw his father packing and re-packing the boot of the car. His dad was very particular everything had to be just right. Jimmy picked up his journal. He kept a record of all his adventures and this holiday was going to be no exception.




This is the start of the story. I have attempted several starts.






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Comments by other Members



Issy at 16:37 on 10 March 2010  Report this post
A holiday in a Victorian waiting room - the little child inside me is thrilled with this idea and can't wait to get there.

We have glimpses of the parents and friend Paul. What stood out for me about these characterisations was the "Pole" conversation with Paul, and that his dad packing and re-packing the boot.

We also know quite a lot about Jimmy - he is imaginative, a detective, likes the idea of being famous even if in imagination, an inter-net surfer and is dedicated to his family - warm-hearted.

I'd just like to make a few suggestions - which please ignore if not helpful - I see you have had several goes at the beginning already,and it may be easier to re-write later on, unless you already have a full first draft that is.

When he's packing his suitcase mention specifics, maybe in relation to the holiday and what he's going to need, or maybe to give an immediate idea of what he considers important eg his magnifying glass, laptop and detective note book.

The back story with Paul would be better placed after his parents have asked him if he wants to take a friend. Maybe have it in the active voice eg His parents had asked him if he wanted to take a friend. He thought about Paul, how they had gone adventuring in the snow.....(fill in the detail)....Jimmy had made a face and said "Nah, just me, mum" or whatever his way of speaking is - just an idea.

The bit about the lottery I think needs to come in direct speech from the dad, and if it is important that they are comfortably off, maybe mum could chip in with something like "We're doing Ok. I don't know why you fuss about the lottery." And ideally slotted in later in the story rather than slow down the anticipation of the holiday.

Have you considered that he might have seen something odd in the pictures on the internet, something no-one else particularly noted, or maybe something he couldn't quite make out - which could lead into the story of the lost son? Great premise by the way.

(By the way, I do sometimes have a look at the very first attempt at the beginning and see if there are any gems in there that have been lost in the re-writes - sometimes there are sometimes not - just a thought. I'm currently trying to avoid the problem of too many rewrites actually killing off the life of my work.)

I would place Jimmy at about 8 or 9. Is that the age you had in mind?

These are only my subjective suggestions, I'm looking forward to that first night sleeping in a waiting room. Is there going to be a ghost train? Don't tell me!


Writingislife at 14:01 on 11 March 2010  Report this post
This is a good start, as there is a 'hook' in the first few lines. Showing us that something may be about to happen and describing the setting it may happen in. Good start and set-up for the the drama to come. We know there will be one because we know Jimmy likes adventures..in telling us this, you have given us expectations of an action packed drama to come; with careful thought there are endless possibilities of how he discovers the house/waiting room is haunted.
The dialogue is believable and seems to be different for each of the characters we are introduced to.
I think that Issy's suggestions are worth while thinking about; and would also suggest you try and introduce some conflict in the plot as soon as possible.(which you may be already thinking about). Maybe you could show how or extracts of Jimmy's recording of his adventure rather than just 'telling' us. Again, maybe you already have this in mind. Good luck.
Keep going, I'd like to see how you develop the story.
G x

Account Closed at 20:24 on 11 March 2010  Report this post
Ooo I have a great weakness for ghost stories! This is a fabulous set up and I agree with writingislife that you have a great hook to draw the reader in.

I also agree with Issy's comments, and I found the jumping back and forth between past and present slightly distracting. I was just getting into the holiday, when you cut the blizzard, then just getting into that when you cut back to the packing.

On that note, I wonder whether it's really necessary to introduce Paul at all if he's not going to be in the story? Obviously if he makes a later appearance then ignore this, but if he's not in the story at all then perhaps it's better to skip his role (for the moment at least). Maybe you could show Jimmy using his imagination as he packs - wondering whether to take his scarf in case there's a blizzard, or his scuba mask in case he discovers sunken treasure etc etc...?

There are also a few small slips in tense, "They are comfortably off" should be "were" and "Jimmy has suggested" should be "had".

Good luck with the next bit!

Laurence at 20:59 on 11 March 2010  Report this post
Many thanks Izzy for such a detailed reply to my writing. I have certainly taken on board several of your points and will develop the opening with more information on the packing etc. I had thought about developing Jimmy's fun for adventure by talking about the odd things he takes with him - hopefully without his mother checking what he had!! I like the idea of seeing something in the pictures on the internet which nobody else notices or possibly sees.

Not sure how long a story for children aged 8/9 years would be able to handle. Would appreciate some help in that area.

Thanks Writingislife for the comments on showing rather than telling. Just read an article on this and it is now making sense.

Tanks FloraPost for your comments and I will certainly be polishing up tenses as I go along. Paul will appear at the end so I may keep him in for the moment.

I stayed in this Victorian Waiting room during half-term. It does have a ghost which I sensed on several occasions but never actually saw it. Hence the idea for the story.

Laurence

Freebird at 18:40 on 12 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence - glad to see you're still with us (I still remember the thing you wrote about the doll's house in the attic - Victoria, was it?)

As the others have said, this is a super idea for a children's story. They always get excited about going to a holiday house, and this one seems to be all set for a spooky adventure. It's good that you know where you're going with the story and it's got a definite ending in sight - then if you get stuck in the middle, you at least know where you're heading.

Issy has mentioned all the technical things - this is a good first draft, and will be easy to edit to make it more 'pacy'. The main thing is to get things in order - at the moment, you talk about the holiday, then about Jimmy and his friend Paul, then back to the holiday. You can probably leave out a lot of the 'telling' information about Jimmy's background and let this drip through to the reader as the story progresses.

Now, my son is demanding some attention - sorry for the abrupt halt, but I think I need to go and deal with it!

more another time,

freebird

Issy at 21:09 on 06 June 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence, How is this developing. Very much like to read some more.

Laurence at 21:40 on 18 June 2010  Report this post
It's moving on a pace I will post the next section soon once the GCSE's at school finish!

Laurence


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