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The Tea Rooms

by Laurence 

Posted: 06 March 2010
Word Count: 249
Summary: Week 295 Challenge A Nation's Pride


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Sally was the proud owner of the newly furbished tea rooms 'A Nation's Pride', in Basset Down market square. There was a simple opening ceremony before it was opened to the public.

All went well until an elderly gentleman entered the shop. He was reasonably dressed but had an air about him that concerned Sally.

'Good afternoon,' she smiled, 'table for one?'

'Are you blind woman? Can you see anyone else with me?' He grunted.

'Would you like a table near the window or in the corner?'

'Why should I want to sit in darkness?'

Sally led him to the vacant table near the window. She saw him looking disparagingly at the table cloth.

'The cloth is dirty.'

'I'll have it changed.'

The man grunted again and sat down. He ordered a pot of tea and a toasted tea cake. He sniffed and looked around the room to find further fault. Sally heard the crash of crockery and saw the old man slumped across the table.

Later that day Sally went to see him in hospital. He apologised for ruining her day and also for his rudeness. Today was the first anniversary of his wife's death and they had always frequented the old tea rooms.

'I miss her so much,' he said quietly choking back a sob.

Sally patted him on the hand ' When you are well pop in for a chat, I'd like to treat you to tea.'

He looked at her with watery eyes and nodded.






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Comments by other Members



jenzarina at 22:59 on 06 March 2010  Report this post
Ah, this is really sweet! Good turn of emotions in such a short piece.

I have to admit at the beginning I was picturing the tea rooms from 'Withnail & I'
"We want cake and the finest wines known to humanity! We want them here and we want them now."

V`yonne at 23:06 on 06 March 2010  Report this post
I think this needs a good deal more work - at the moment it's a bit 'tell' but I'm sure you could fix that and there is a story in there - possibly a longer one than this... There seems to be no reason for her to visit him later since he's so rude - perhaps if he came every week and this was out of character? Did she not know his wife?

reasonably dressed
do you mean reasonably well dressed? - as opposed to cheaply?

'Are you blind woman?
I'd leave that out - it reads rather too hostile to me.

and why did he collapse?

Crimsondelilah at 09:25 on 07 March 2010  Report this post
Hi. I agree that this could do with more work. I was left feeling at the end that i was still waiting for the story to happen.
There's plenty to mine here and the emotions of the old man ring true but perhaps the themes of loss and loneliness are too big for 250 words - a longer piece may be more appropriate?



tusker at 10:22 on 07 March 2010  Report this post
I agree with the others, Laurence.

It deserves a longer story.

I liked your characters and you could build on their individual traits and conflicts into a warm friendship.

It would take more than one visit to Sally's teashop to create that though.

This could be a heart warming story, once written, for say a woman's magazine.

Yes, I know you're male but a lot of men write for women's mags.

Check out a few guidelines with say, Woman's Weekly, My Weekly (the latter take email submissions) etc.

Good news, they pay! Bad news, they do take about 3 months to say yes or no.

Jennifer



Dreamer at 12:59 on 07 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

I must say that I understood what was going on here.
She did not know the man or his wife because she had just opened up her tea room. The man was rude because he was distraught because he was grieving for his wife.
The owner went to see him in hospital because a guy collapsing in your tea room, the ambulance etc... creates an interest in the guy if nothing else. (I know, I've had a lady have a heart attack in our waiting room and we would not let her go home but insisted she go to the hospital. Her cat had just died on the way to the clinic.)
Interesting turn how initially you think what a grumpy old curmudgeon (brought to mind Prosp) but then we end up understanding completely and feeling sorry for him. The end of the story is obvious. This will become his favourite tea room and he will become her favourite customer.

Best,

Brian.

Prospero at 18:59 on 07 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence

I agree with what has already been said. This is a lovely little story but it needs a bit of judicious tidying.

Best

Prosp

Bunbry at 12:44 on 08 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence, a nice tale and my only suggestion would be to tone down the man's rudeness as decent people - even recently bereaved ones - do not in my experience become THAT discourteous.

Nick


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