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Courage of a different kind

by Carlton Relf 

Posted: 19 February 2010
Word Count: 499
Summary: As part of my course work I had to describe an event, place, or anywhere visited - Create an interesting piece of writing using between 300 and 500 words. Well here it is. I would be grateful for any feedback whilst awaiting its mark! Many thanks to those who decide to read and leave feedback.


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Courage of a different kind.....

It had taken months and months of courage to get to a stage where by my mind had been overcome with thoughts of self-doubt, disbelief and above all an overpowering urge to divert my journey to the pub. It was only 11am and I had only been walking a few minutes; it seemed much longer. My legs felt heavy; in all probability was a consequence of the icy conditions underfoot, rather than my nervous disposition, or maybe was a combination of both.

I could hear the noise of wheels turning, some slowly, others quickly. I could hear the desperation in people’s voices, gasping, appearing to catch their final breath. I tried to concentrate on speaking to the woman behind the desk; she was pale in complexion, bordering on ghost like. As she moved around the small space she occupied, her arms and legs became visible; frail with tightly wrapped skin around her frame. I spent several seconds trying to guess this womans age and after what seemed a long deliberation I decided she must have been in her early forties, although looked much older. She was dressed formally, in a plain brown skirt and a delicate fitted white blouse which sat neatly across her shoulders; a long flow of blonde hair stopped short at the collar. Her manner was friendly and pleasant, much to my surprise and did not match her serious appearance. She certainly was not the type of person whom I would have expected to work in a place like this.

The corridor that led from the desk was long and narrow without any windows. The walls were constructed of brick that had been painted in white which gave that clinical feeling to the building. As I made my way towards the solid double doors in the distance, the disturbing sounds became more prominent. I tightened the grip on the small but heavy bag that had accompanied me on this journey and following a brief hesitation, bravely pushed open the door with my free hand.

The smell was unkind to my senses. It reminded me of returning home after several days away and opening the laundry basket that still contained garments to be washed. The room would have been extremely spacious, if it were not for the high volume of contraptions available to help people. I was saddened to see so many people present. I felt small beads of sweat emerge from my forehead, as a sense of insecurity overwhelmed me. Although not alone, I felt so alone.

My attention was drawn to an old man; lying down, face up, on what looked to be a black bed, covered in a white towel. His legs were propped up by a device protruding overhead. His breathing was deep and loud, his chest rattled as he struggled for breath.

My observations were interrupted by a slim young woman whom approached me.
“I’m Jenny, Welcome; have you been to the gym before?”


©arlton Relf Feb2010













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Comments by other Members



Katie Mayes at 18:27 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
A nice creative piece there Carlton.

Had me fooled right to the end - I imagined a place full of sickly people at death's door!

I'm not too good at giving decent critique or anything yet (there are oodles on here who are fab though) but all I will say is that a piece like this would need to be a bit sharper if going into a short story (sharper as in short, sharp and to the point rather than drawing out the descriptions so much) and consider overly-long sentences - particularly your first line in this piece. Usually for me an intricate long-winded first line will kill the story stone dead and puts me off going any further - but that's just 'me'.

However, as a stand-alone piece I think it's really good.

Well done for posting up and thanks for sharing.

Katie x

Carlton Relf at 18:52 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Katie

Thanks for taking the time to have a read and comment, which I take on board. I normally write in sharp, short sentences but have been crictised for slowing the flow of my writing. I was trying to lengthen my sentences which is really against my usual style. Maybe I need to be in the middle somewhere.
Early days - still have lots to learn - really good to get feedback.

Thanks again

Kind regards
Carlton

Demonqueen at 23:41 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Carlton,
Yes, I did think of old people. I thought your MC was perhaps a young doctor on his very first callout. I always like a bit of something unexpected at the end of a tale and you certainly did lead us a red herring or two there!

I like the way you have included sounds and smells for building up a picture of your world, giving us a few hints but deftly avoiding giving us too much actual sight.

Your first sentence I found confusing and had to read several times. Did you actually mean instead to write:

It had taken months and months of courage to get to a stage where by my mind had overcome the thoughts of self-doubt, disbelief and above all an overpowering urge to divert my journey to the pub.

Because otherwise it doesn't make sense.


It was only 11am and I had only been walking a few minutes;
I would chop out an 'only'- try and avoid repeats if it's possible.

in all probability it was a consequence of the icy
or maybe it was a combination of both


I spent several seconds trying to guess this womans age and after what seemed a long deliberation I decided she must have been in her early forties, although looked much older.
You make quite a meal of prediciting her age. I figured it must carry some importance, but it didn't. Try and go with the rule, if it's not necesssary, ditch it. It will make your writing a lot tighter. Be ruthless!!

Just re: your comments above - longer sentences will slow the narrative, short ones make it more peppy. The key is knowing when your story needs each one.

I hope that helps a little.

All the best,
Charlie

McAllerton at 10:21 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Totally fooled. So your imaginary environment was well drawn and believable. I'm not sure where I thought I was, maybe a hospital or rehab centre of some kind.I agree with comments above - keep it short, it's too wordy at times.

Try cutting the first para completely and start with "I could hear the sound of wheels turning". This is a better opener. Your first para drags.

Mark

Carlton Relf at 13:38 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Charlie

Thank you for your comments - much appreciated.

I agree the first sentence is confusing. I will revise this, or I may even lose the paragraph as per the suggestion of Mark. I will have a think about it.

Thank you for pointing out the other issues. You are so right! I will try and tighten up my writing.

The new "ruthless" me will develop I hope...ha.

Thanks again

Carlton



Carlton Relf at 13:41 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Mark

Thank you for your comments. I think you may be right. I wanted it to be an introduction to the characters feelings, but following your suggestion - I am not so sure.

Really useful feedback - thanks again.

Kind regards
Carlton

JASE1985 at 18:44 on 01 March 2010  Report this post
Carlton,

I liked the way you captured the trepidation people can feel when going to the gym for the first time.

Yes, it was a bit wordy in places, but your description is good and the ending was definitely a surprise, I thought the MC was in a rehab clinic!

I really enjoy stories where you think one thing is happening but something else actually is!

Keep it up

Jase

Carlton Relf at 00:08 on 03 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Jase,

Thank you for your kind comments. I will try and tighten the story up when I get chance, to lose some of the descriptions.

This is all a great learning process.

All the best, and thanks again

Carlton

Crimsondelilah at 13:41 on 04 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Carlton
I can only reiterate what others have said. the first paragraph is long winded, and the description of the receptionist could be cut because it adds nothing to the story.
However there are some great descriptions in the second half and it really is a terrific twist at the end.
I enjoyed this.
Thanks

Carlton Relf at 18:48 on 06 March 2010  Report this post
Crimsondelilah

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I will tinker with this to tighten it up.

Thanks again
Carlton

Albatross at 11:35 on 22 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Carlton,

Loved this! I could taste it and smell it! Cleverer people than me have already commented. I think Mark's right about cutting the first para - I don't think you need it. It was the wheels turning that drew me into the story. It was a wonderful twist!

Ian

Carlton Relf at 11:19 on 25 March 2010  Report this post
Ian
Thank you for your kind comments. That means a lot. I will go back and edit it when I get chance, but have been distracted by other projects at the moment!!
Thanks again
Carlton

Joella at 21:05 on 26 March 2010  Report this post
Hi Carlton, I really liked this piece of writing. I wasn't sure where you were, until the last line, which is clearly what you intended. I tend to agree that - "I could hear the sound of wheels turning". - would be a better opening, but other than that - great! Incidentally, were you pleased with your mark?
Regards, Joella.


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