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Alien Testing

by claremerison 

Posted: 19 February 2010
Word Count: 508


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“Is there anyone out there?!”
I was shouting as loudly as my lungs would allow, but the pressure was dropping tangibly now.
“Can you hear me?!”
I smashed my fist against the surface of the door. My hand was hurting as much as my lungs, but I knew which one would kill me. I could still focus on the right angles of the room if I squinted my lenses, but that only told me I wasn’t getting out anytime soon.
“It’s…not working!”
A face appeared at the glass. It smiled. It didn’t look happy.
I gestured frantically at the exit, at my throat, back at the door. The smile grew wider. It was actually enjoying this! I was being pushed to the limit, by a species that didn’t know when to stop.
Just then darkness took over the space around me; a solid darkness, the kind that only comes in sealed containers and the hulls of ships. Blinded into blackness, I could no longer make my feelings known.
I had to make a decision – the rock or the hard place? I had to work on the assumption they were testing my reaction to the dark; I had to assume they could still see me. In spite of my encompassing blindfold I became to gesture once again. My toes were beginning to tingle and my tongue had gone numb, but my brain was still functioning. I could still hear nothing from the outside, only the hum of the generator, a droning monotony.
There had been a drop in temperature with the change in pressure and I imagined my fingers the colour of a frozen lake. Little icicles waiting to pierce down into my toes. Instinctively I shoved my hands in my armpits and imitated freezing cold. It was like some kind of sick game of charades, only I didn’t know the rules and not only did we not speak the same language, we didn’t even come from the same universe.
Despair struck suddenly, like a bolt of lightening. I’m never getting out of this. This frozen metal chamber is the last thing I will ever see. In the name of the science of another planet I am going to die in here.
The panic unsettled my breathing even more and my lungs began to rip apart. The tearing sensation contracted every muscle in my body and I huddled on the floor. I could no longer lift my head up and my body had begun to spasm uncontrollably.
Finally, I was sucked into the void.

“Well.”
“Well.”
“At least now we know.”
“Yes. At least we know.”
The two men were dressed for the office although it was late in the night. They stood in front of a glass divide that provided a vision of the chamber beyond. They stood apart, but they were in agreement. Nothing more would be said on the matter. There was no need for a report. The Order had been updated.
“Tomorrow we will try again.”
“Yes. Perhaps we will have better luck.”
“Perhaps.”






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 09:49 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
Exciting, claustraphobic and full of terror, Clare.

Obviously a testing chamber, but who was being tested and why?

Those 2 sinister men I wondered about. Alien scientists? Why wasn't the test to their liking?

This could go on to be a larger story as I'm now very interested in those answers.

Jennifer



V`yonne at 10:32 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
I loved
I imagined my fingers the colour of a frozen lake. Little icicles waiting to pierce down into my toes. Instinctively I shoved my hands in my armpits
in flash you don't need the next bit
and imitated freezing cold
You have already planted the image with that great description you see.

There are lots of places where this could be tightened like that but you'll get ussed to doing that when you're over limit on words ;

I liked the idea here. I think you need to start somewhere different or fill in some back story for the reader. You know - you were tucked up in bed or reading a book - went to investigate a light or a sound and wham they had you!

I think you need to set up
1. how the reader knows they are from 'another universe'
2. the pov swap at the end because the MC has gone so how can they hear this to tell us?

It's a good fit for the challenge. Glad you could join in

Forbes at 10:53 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
I really liked the premise here. There were a few repetitions of words close together - as Oonah has said you could tighten it up. there were a couple of lines which I particularly liked:

My hand was hurting as much as my lungs, but I knew which one would kill me.


Good take on the challenge.

It occurred to me that the "aliens" at the end could be humans and the species under test the real aliens or even some earth bound species.

Cheers

Avis

Prospero at 11:31 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
I am going to be really boring and agree with all the above because I do.

It is a very good start Claire, but you do need to explain a bit more of what is going on. Who is testing who and why?

Best

prosp

Bunbry at 12:43 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Clare this is excellent writing - you have described a very vivid scene.

However, describing a serise of events is not the same as telling a story and I'm not sure this is a story just yet.

But a great start!

Nick

Laurence at 17:34 on 19 February 2010  Report this post
A good piece of work which needs a little tweeking. I felt for the MC.

Cheers

Laurence

Findy at 07:58 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Claire

Lovely writing, you've built up the tension well, enjoyed it.

But as the others said, unanswered questions remain.

findy

Jubbly at 09:30 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Very immediate writing, intense and visual. A great read with a building sense of panic.

J

Jumbo at 09:42 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Claire

Superb writing - great tension and sense of fear in that terrible place.

But like the others, i wanted to know just a bit more of what was going on.

Having said that, it's still a great piece. Thanks for sharing it.

john

claremerison at 22:05 on 20 February 2010  Report this post
Definitley still learning about the flash thing! But sure I can work on the comments for this one and next time.
Will also try to fill in a back story, I'm so used to writing tit bits!

crowspark at 10:52 on 21 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Clare

I loved your presentation of the aliens. I find suits very scary! Terrific contrast between the person whose life is being extinguished and the banality of any system that values "systems" over its victims.

You have a very promising flash here.

Thanks for the read.

Bill

Neezes at 22:18 on 04 March 2011  Report this post
I'd agree with the positive comments above - a really vivid and gripping flash.

As Oonah said, it does suffer from the age-old issue of POV where the narrator (apparently) dies, and I wonder if it wouldn't be simpler just to phrase it all in 3rd person?

It's a strong story and I think expanding it with a bit more set up would be good, and it could still be well below 1000 words.

I smashed my fist against the surface of the door. My hand was hurting as much as my lungs, but I knew which one would kill me
I'd say this is almost a great line but might need tinkering with.

Jonathan


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