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Pete

by Laurence 

Posted: 12 February 2010
Word Count: 498
Summary: Week 292 Challenge


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‘You’re grounded,’ shouted Hazel’s father.

‘Why? I’ve done nothing wrong,’ protested Hazel looking at her mother for support.

‘Nothing wrong? That boy is too old for you!’

‘I’m sixteen Dad I can make my own decisions.’

‘Not when you’re under my roof. Now get to your room.’

Hazel stomped up the stairs and banged her door closed. She sat on her bed with tears of rage welling up in her eyes. She grabbed her phone and texted her friend Sophie. Seconds later her phone bleeped with a supportive message. She understood Hazel’s feelings for Pete and would find a way of making sure this relationship did not get destroyed because of outdated parents. Hazel mooched about for the rest of the evening she looked at her school work and decided to leave it in her bag. She played music until her father shouted to switch off the infernal racket.

The next day Sophie and Hazel were in deep conversation during English and were spoken to several times. They rarely took any notice of Mr James but on this occasion Hazel could not risk a phone call home. Sophie suggested Hazel come over to hers on Friday night for a sleepover.

‘Dad won’t buy that one,’ said Hazel.

‘Tell him we are going to revise Friday night and most of Saturday. That way you can go out with Pete on Friday.’

Hazel thought for a moment, the idea of seeing Pete and not creeping back into her own house was tempting.

Later that evening Hazel broached the idea of doing a study session at Sophie’s. Her Dad was slightly suspicious but her mother reminded him that she does it quite frequently for unit tests.

‘Okay, if it will stop you from going out with that boy I suppose I can allow it. I’ll check up on you make no mistake.’

‘Dad can’t you just trust me for once.’

‘Of course we can darling. You can tell Sophie tomorrow it will be alright.’

Friday evening Hazel was so excited she had secreted her clothes in the bottom of her school bag together with her make-up. The overnight bag she showed to her parents had the usual casual wear for a sleep-over. Hazel felt very proud of her ingenuity. Pete picked her up about seven. Hazel’s mum phoned during the evening, Sophie assured her Hazel was there and working hard but couldn’t come to the phone because she was in the bathroom. This seemed to satisfy Hazel’s mum.

It was shortly after midnight the police knocked at Hazel’s house. The blue flashing light lit up the dark hallway. Her dad stared in disbelief as two officers asked to come in. They were ushered into the lounge, Hazel’s mum joined them.

‘I regret to inform you…..’ started one of the officers before Hazel’s mum collapsed sobbing on the floor.

‘There must be some kind of mistake,’ said her Dad consoling his wife, ‘Hazel is staying with Sophie. She wouldn’t lie.’

‘I’m sorry.’






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 15:01 on 12 February 2010  Report this post
Such a sad tale, Laurence.

The eternal battle of parents versus their children is brought to light very well.

The lie is like an ordinary lie most teenagers would use. But this lie ended with terrible consequences.

It leaves a picture in my mind of the aftermath. Grief and blame.

Jennifer



Prospero at 07:07 on 13 February 2010  Report this post
If the papers are to be believed this is all too common a tragedy. You have drawn the picture very well, Laurence, and allowed us to colour it in.

Well done

Best

John

V`yonne at 17:23 on 13 February 2010  Report this post
I agree - a deft portayal of tragedy.

crowspark at 11:02 on 14 February 2010  Report this post
Good work, Laurence.
A sobering and shocking twist.
Well done.

Bill

Laurence at 11:47 on 14 February 2010  Report this post
Many thanks for your comments. As a teacher I am constantly discussing such issues with my students.

Laurence

LMJT at 13:26 on 14 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

I really like the idea behind this piece and it's well written, though I feel there's maybe a bit too much going on for a short flash. That said, I think this could be expanded upon to become a short story, perhaps in which we could see the relationship between Hazel and Pete.

A couple of nits which I hope you won't mind me observing:

Hazel stomped up the stairs and banged her door closed. She sat on her bed with tears of rage welling up in her eyes. She grabbed her phone and texted her friend Sophie. Seconds later her phone bleeped with a supportive message. She understood Hazel’s feelings for Pete and would find a way of making sure this relationship did not get destroyed because of outdated parents. Hazel mooched about for the rest of the evening she looked at her school work and decided to leave it in her bag. She played music until her father shouted to switch off the infernal racket.

I think this paragraph could be tidied up a bit. Maybe get in Hazel's head for a couple of lines as opposed to reporting her actions.

‘Of course we can darling. You can tell Sophie tomorrow it will be alright.’

I think this is the mother that says this, but the way it reads, it seems to be the father, which seems out of character.

The end was a real twist for me and really well done. I think this story has a lot of substance to be built on.

Thanks for the read.

Liam

Laurence at 13:56 on 14 February 2010  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Liam. Will look at some of your suggestions and possible develop the flash into a short story.


Laurence


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