Synopsis of Memoirs of a bar steward: Draft 3
It is the start of the new millennium and an 18 year old Jacob Cox believes he is a brilliantly clever young man, but the problem is that he is not.
Jacob believes he is going to pass all of his A levels and get into the best university and one day become Prime Minister, but he will not.
Instead Jacob finds himself joining his family from hell, the Cox’s, as they are finally ran out of Birmingham and move to the English Riviera town of Torquay, where they take over a pub which they hope will bring them a fresh start and fortunes, but their new home is definitely not the timid, quiet little resort they were expecting.
Jacob finds himself being the licensee of the new business and immediately believes that he is now the boss. Sadly, as always, what Jacobs believes and what is actually the case are two very different matters, as Jacob is the only member of the family with a clean record and who can hold a publican license. Jacob battles with each member of his family to take control of the pub, which must be made a success of fast if they are going to be able to keep it running, or else they will be returning to the nightmare that awaits each of them back in Birmingham.
While Jacob thinks up his own unique brand of ‘brilliant’ ideas to bring in new respectable customers, his must stop his ex-gang boss mother from taking out a rival landlord, his identical, but total opposite twin brother from driving away all of the female staff and customers with his loose loving, a younger ‘cool’ brother whose ‘rubbish’ ideas are actually much better than his own and a ten year old sister whose secret scheming Jacob fears the most. And if these were bad enough, Jacob suspects that the O’Shea’s, his gangster relatives on his mothers side, have some ghastly hold over his shifty, debt riddled father, and are involved in the Cox's mysterious acquirement of their new pub home in Devon.
However, as bad as all of his family actions are, none can rival Jacobs in terms of total, unmitigated disaster. Loyal customers get killed, the town mayor brands him a terrorist from the north and the love of his life is engaged to one of the most dangerous men in Torquay. All these events lead up to a spectacular finale when one of the top reality TV shows comes to town to film their stars in the Cox’s pub.
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 The Bar Stward at 15:08 on 04 February 2010
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I've had another go at this, hopefully putting to good use the advice which has come before. I've tried to explain the story more clearly, without losing the fact that it is full of characters that are not entirelly normal. I've also tried to make Jacob sound a bit of a twit but not in a overtly nasty way.
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 GaiusCoffey at 23:53 on 04 February 2010
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Hi TBS,
I initially loved the opening line; it seemed to encapsulate the first two paragraphs of your earlier version. But then I worked through the rest of it which (though a lot clearer than earlier versions) remains a little convoluted and complex. By the time I got to the end, I had a bit of a different opinion... bear with me and, if I'm totally off course, please feel free to ignore everything I say.
If I am reading this correctly:
- Jacob Cox starts with the arrogance of a teenager
- He and his family are run out of the city
- He is recruited to run the family pub as he is the only one eligible
- Once he is the legal publican, they try to manipulate him
- He outwits all of them but still, somehow, manages to banjax himself
- It all ends in a big-budget comic finale
At this point, I am imagining a Tom Sharpe style farce where a succession of small details build to an hilarious and cringe-worthy climax where everything, and I mean everything, falls in on itself. All the elements are there for a brilliant piece of comic writing (if that's what you want  ) that I would be interested in reading.
But...
I've had to do a fair amount of thinking to get to this point (and I still might be wrong about what you intend). To me, it feels as if the problem is that everything is tied in together and is tripping up everything else.
Story-wise, I am starting to resent the first line when you are telling me what to think about Jacob. Whether or not he is an arse should be for me to decide as I read.
So...
As an approach, seeing as you are giving scenarios rather than story arcs, I was thinking you could separate out the elements more clearly so as to state the comic / competing tensions. This would (hopefully) push you towards the farcical climax that I think you are trying to achieve (if that is what you are trying to achieve ).
For example:
"It is the start of the new millenium and 18 year-old Jacob Cox has big ambitions.
He is disappointed when his criminal family is run out of Birmingham to the comparative sanctuary of Torquay on the English Riviera. But, as the only adult in his family without a criminal record, Jacob is selected to be the licensee for the pub that his family hope will support them. Though Jacob believes he is now the boss, nobody else quite sees it the same way.
[Establish character and tension of his ambition.]
His first problem is his mother, an ex-gang boss, who uses the pub as a base from which to wage war on a rival landlord.
[She is against him as she wants to use the pub to wage war.]
Then there are his siblings. He has a twin whose womanising is draining the profits. [Womanising drives away customers, but he probably also gives away free drinks in order to score...] He also has a younger brother who keeps undermining Jacob's authority by coming up with better ideas. [The key here is undermining...] Finally, his secretive ten-year old sister is constantly scheming about... something. [Good old paranoia...]
To add to his misery, gangster relatives on his mother's side appear to have some ghastly hold over his shifty, debt-riddled father who [... how does this affect Jacob? How does he use the pub in a way that Jacob finds difficult?...].
Jacob learns how to manage his wayward family and finally gets his chance to run the pub the way he wants. Which is when the trouble really starts...
[... description of how the various tensions interweave...]"
Finally, as a closing note... I noticed quite a number of typos etc. Not important at this stage as you try to work out the content, but definitely re-read it for errors before sending it out.
Cheers,
Gaius
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The Bar Stward at 10:15 on 05 February 2010
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- Jacob Cox starts with the arrogance of a teenager
- He and his family are run out of the city
- He is recruited to run the family pub as he is the only one eligible
- Once he is the legal publican, they try to manipulate him
- He outwits all of them but still, somehow, manages to banjax himself
- It all ends in a big-budget comic finale |
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Correct, except for the point where he outwits them, that generally doesn't happen.
At this point, I am imagining a Tom Sharpe style farce where a succession of small details build to an hilarious and cringe-worthy climax where everything, and I mean everything, falls in on itself. All the elements are there for a brilliant piece of comic writing (if that's what you want ) that I would be interested in reading. |
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That's the aim
"It is the start of the new millenium and 18 year-old Jacob Cox has big ambitions.
He is disappointed when his criminal family is run out of Birmingham to the comparative sanctuary of Torquay on the English Riviera. But, as the only adult in his family without a criminal record, Jacob is selected to be the licensee for the pub that his family hope will support them. Though Jacob believes he is now the boss, nobody else quite sees it the same way. |
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Yes, that seems flow much better, thanks.
His first problem is his mother, an ex-gang boss, who uses the pub as a base from which to wage war on a rival landlord.
[She is against him as she wants to use the pub to wage war.] |
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This part is wrong. His mother really does want a quiet life and only wages war on a rival landlord when one of Jacobs plans goes wrong and the rival landlord publically humilates him. This causes his mother, who has been quite quiet in the story to this point, to show off why everyone is so scared of her. She wants revenge, and not a mindless violent revenge, but one which is much more clever and devastating.
| Then there are his siblings. He has a twin whose womanising is draining the profits. [Womanising drives away customers, but he probably also gives away free drinks in order to score...] He also has a younger brother who keeps undermining Jacob's authority by coming up with better ideas. [The key here is undermining...] Finally, his secretive ten-year old sister is constantly scheming about... something. [Good old paranoia...] |
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This is all pretty much bang on. His twin basically see's his new life as party heaven, life is there to have fun with. His sister, as it turns out, is a little gangster in the making and uses her skills to get what she wants. Her actions result in the pub being blown up at the very end of the big finale.
| To add to his misery, gangster relatives on his mother's side appear to have some ghastly hold over his shifty, debt-riddled father who [... how does this affect Jacob? How does he use the pub in a way that Jacob finds difficult?...]. |
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Jacobs father owes his Uncle Connor O'Shea money, and he owes it him fast. Jacobs father was conned into believing the pub was a big money maker, but it isn't and so he can't pay back the money as fast as he promised. The O'Shea lot hate the father and love to bully him. In a panic Jacobs father is happy to allow any means of making money for the pub. While Jacob wants respectable customers, Jacobs father is happy to see the pub turn into a hell hole for all the worse kind of people, and underage drinkers, as long as they bring money in.
| Jacob learns how to manage his wayward family and finally gets his chance to run the pub the way he wants. Which is when the trouble really starts... |
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Jacob never manages to manage his family, he just goes ahead with his plans in the hope of proving that his ideas are right, but they are not, and are in fact so much worse than everyone elses.
Thats a lot of advice and help there, so much appreciated.
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The Bar Stward at 10:37 on 05 February 2010
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There are other characters in the book, like Jacobs put upon best friend Curly, who is Jacobs 'Rodney'. Jacob also talks to his cousin Cooper O'Shea alot in this, and these online chats highlight how delusional Jacob is. The biggest side storyline is that of Jacobs family back in Birmingham, the O'Shea's.
Jacob mother wants to leave the gang life. Her father has died and her older, ruthless brother has taken over. When her father was alive she was pretty much in charge and her brother kept in check, but as tradition dictates in the family law, the brother gets head position when the dad is dead. Straight away he has big plans, which involves taking over another side of town and the mother, as ruthless as she can be when 'she has to', decides it will be a blood bath and wants out, and all the more so because her family seem to want her children to get involved (except Jacob, who they see as weak like his father).
So while Jacob and his family are getting on with their new life, through Jacobs online chats with his cousin, we learn things go very badly for the O'Shea clan, terrible in fact and they are pretty much wiped out as a gang. At the end of the book uncle Connor turns up at the big finale to get his money from Jacobs father, who he terrorises throughout the story. The big finale is a big charity do, which is a MASSIVE success, and everything looks like it is going well, but then all of the different elements throughout the story come together to cause disater:
-The reality TV stars try to kill Miller
-The doormen come to kill Jacob
-Jacobs girlfriend and Curlys girlfriend try to kill each other
-Uncle Connor comes down and father goes to give him all of the chairty money
-The man from the brewery who wants to shut them down, and the mayor, turn up and get beaten up in the big melee
-The icecreamman blows up the pub (Sisters fault)
and some other stuff too
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GaiusCoffey at 10:41 on 05 February 2010
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| Her actions result in the pub being blown up at the very end of the big finale. |
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I'm thinking of the manic paper-delivery boy in Better Off Dead (I think) for some reason.
| This part is wrong. His mother really does want a quiet life |
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As far as I can tell, the core element of comedy is the uncomfortable boundary where two conflicting elements meet and ... ah ... conflict with each other. To express that in your synopsis, you have to clearly establish where those boundaries are so as to convince people of the scope for hilarity.
Therefore, I think you need to shift the nuance of how you describe the mother. If I understand you correctly, the tension is not her trying to manipulate Jacob, nor in her waging war, but in her over-protectiveness.
For fiction, EmmaD expresses this as three questions and the same applies to comedy:
1. What does your MC want?
2. What stands in your MC's way?
3. What does your MC do about it?
In other words, Jacob wants to be his own man, but she wants him to be her little boy so that she can be the big protector. The hilarity ensues around what they both do about it.
My tuppence is that you need to encapsulate all the tensions like this in how Jacob experiences them and how they get in the way of his larger motivation (to be the big man he believes he is).
I'd go further and say that you should maybe forget for a moment that you consider him a nincompoop. Think of "Some mothers do 'ave 'em". The guy was an idiot, everybody knew he was an idiot, whereever he went there was idiocy, but _he_ acted from genuinely good motivations.
Jacob's worst sin, as far as I can make out, is that he is in that happy period before he discovers his limitations. IMHO, you should love your MC so that we do and so that we then feel his prat-falls all the more and laugh all the louder.
Just an opinion,
Gaius
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GaiusCoffey at 10:46 on 05 February 2010
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| as tradition dictates in the family law, the brother gets head position when the dad is dead |
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"the female of the species is more deadlier than the male"
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
I'm a bit confused about how such a tough old boot would lie down and take it.
If she is used to power, won't she fight them trying to take it away?
If she used to be in charge, then she will know how to remain so.
If she was merely her father's figurehead, then she is something entirely different to what you have described.
Sibling rivalry mixed with a scorned woman's lust for vengeance is a potent and somewhat frightening phenomenon.
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 NMott at 10:46 on 05 February 2010
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| as Jacob is the only member of the family with a clean record and who can hold a publican license. |
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I know Sheila asked for an explanation, I don't think it's necessary to include one in the synopsis because it changes the tone from one of humour to justification, and you don't need to justify your choices of plot devices, they just have to work in the novel itself.
Did you keep the original verson? If so, can you copy it here for comparison?
The opening introduction to Jacob is not as punchy as the earlier versions. You are still trying to work in the 'brilliantly clever' description which I tried to explain just doesn't work. Although a synopsis is about Tell rather than Show, the earlier version where you had the lines about him wanting to be Prime Minister, etc, did a better job of 'Showing' that he thought he was 'brilliantly clever', without having to state it.
I see you've expanded on the character sketches of the secondary characters and the move down from Birmingham, which I'm not sure was necessary - but I'd like to be able to compare it with the original.
| While Jacob thinks up his own unique brand of ‘brilliant’ ideas to bring in new respectable customers, his must stop his ex-gang boss mother from taking out a rival landlord, his identical, but total opposite twin brother from driving away all of the female staff and customers with his loose loving, a younger ‘cool’ brother whose ‘rubbish’ ideas are actually much better than his own and a ten year old sister whose secret scheming Jacob fears the most. And if these were bad enough, Jacob suspects that the O’Shea’s, his gangster relatives on his mothers side, have some ghastly hold over his shifty, debt riddled father, and are involved in the Cox's mysterious acquirement of their new pub home in Devon. |
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I'm wondering whether it would work if you kept the original character sketches of the secondary characters as an introduction to them, and then keep much of this paragraph to bulk up the detail of the middle section of the novel.
Delete '..and are involved in the Cox's mysterious acquirement of their new pub home in Devon'
The last paragraph helps to fill in more of the middle, but it is still missing and ending. Is it possible to write something similar to the introductory character sketches of all the secondary characters, to say what happens to them?
- NaomiM
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The Bar Stward at 10:52 on 05 February 2010
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| Jacob's worst sin, as far as I can make out, is that he is in that happy period before he discovers his limitations. |
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Thats very right.
However, I need to address the mother situation, and probably not highlight her as much...why? Well most of the trouble Jacob encounters in trying to run the pub successfully come from his father and twin brother Miller.
His twin doesn't respect Jacobs 'authority at all' and seems to oppose him at every opportunity, however it is his father that undermines him at everystep of the way. While Jacob tries to create a business that is respectable, his father is happy to break laws, and allow in any rift raft who will bring in money and Jacob doesn't understand why (because he doesn't know about his Uncle Connors hold over him).
His mother is more of a side story, and does not have as big as effect on him or the story as his brothers and father.
<Added>
Did you keep the original verson? If so, can you copy it here for comparison?
Memoirs of a Bar Steward are the accounts of Jacob Hank Cox young 18 year old life. Jacob sees himself as a young man with a magnificent future ahead of him, guaranteed because he is brilliantly clever, and practically wonderful in everyway, or at least that is how he sees himself. His life was all planned out. He was about to pass all of his A levels, get into the best university in the country and eventually become the prime minster of the United Kingdom, and best of all he was finally about to escape his most heinous family. A family which consists of a mother whose business involves beating the living pootang out of people and sticking their pet’s heads up where the sun don’t shine if you're unfortunate enough to run a pub, club, shop or even a paper round on the west side of Birmingham and you didn’t pay her O’Shea’s clan not to do these lovely things to you. A ratty face Father who was in the business of running up debt and then running away. A rule dodging, good life living, carefree identical twin who’s the exact opposite of himself in every way, another brother who everyone mistakenly believes is the one who is Gods gift to everything and a psychotic 10 year old sister who Jacob fears just might be more crazy and dangerous than the lot of them put together.
However, Jacob soon discovers that he is not going to be able to go to the best university in the country, in fact he is not going to be able to go to university at all, and instead of escaping a family who he regards as the shackles holding him down, stopping his rise to greatness, he is in fact about to embark on a whole new adventure with all of them as they all make the sudden and suspicious move to a new life in Devon, where the family is going to take over a seaside pub, a business which Jacob believe could be his new springboard to success. Soon Jacob discovers that if his family is his shackles, then his own delusions of grandeur, immaturity and vanity is the giant anchor that they are all linked to.
This is a story about chasing your dreams and the struggle to hold onto them, at any cost. The pub that the Cox family moves into may possibly be the solution to all of their individual problems, but the business is not the easy success that they were lead to believe it would be and if they want to stay then they must act fast or else they will all be returning to the Midlands before the summer is over, which would be an unimaginable nightmare for each of them for their own different reasons.
Join Jacob on his journey, along with his family, where he’ll face terrible perils, monstrous foes and maybe love (or just deadly sex). Memoirs of a bar steward is a humorous tale about growing up and finding out what the world is really like, well the world of a Cox that is.
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The Bar Stward at 11:00 on 05 February 2010
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| I'm a bit confused about how such a tough old boot would lie down and take it. |
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The mother is not a cartoon villian. She was born into a life of organised crime and was very ruthless because she had to be. She did what she did to protect her father who she loved very much. So yes, she was scary, and she was vicious because she had to be. But once the father died, and the brother wants wants to take over, she happily she's this as an opportunity to 'get out'. She is fed up of the violence and is happy to move away and let her brothers get on with the family business. However, like they say in the Godfather III, 'Just when you think you are out, they pull you back in'. Jacobs mom keeps herself out of the way for the first half of the book, which concerntrates on Jacobs struggle with his brothers, father and locals, and it is only when we see Jacob get humilated that we see why the mother is so feared, because she unleashes hell on the the landlord that upsets her son (though she does give him the chance to apologise first)
<Added>
This is why it is hard to summarise the characters, none of them are just one way or the other. They have core characteristics but like any other human being, each is capable of moments of goodness and badness, they are all very three dimensional.
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GaiusCoffey at 11:24 on 05 February 2010
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"Jacob Cox is a young man with big ambitions. He moves with his family from inner-city Birmingham to the resort of Torquay and, as the only eligible member of his family, he becomes the licensee of the pub they hope will support them. Jacob believes this makes him the boss but his family sees it differently.
He could do without the "protection" of his mother, a former gangland boss, who drags Jacob into a feud with a rival pub with her misguided attempts to help. Jacob's brilliant ideas are constantly undermined by his younger brother who has an irritating habit of being right and, which is worse, proving Jacob wrong. His womanising twin brother doesn't help either as he treats the pub like his personal cash machine. Then there is his ten-year old sister. Jacob's never sure exactly what it is she's up to, but he doesn't like it. If that wasn't enough, Jacob's father is milking the pub to satisfy criminal elements from his murky past in Birmingham.
If his problems were only from his immediate family, maybe he could still make it work, but they aren't. There is pressure from outside too as the brewery tries to close the pub down and then the nastier side of the Birmingham underworld comes to stay.
In a last, desperate attempt to save his pub Jacob organises a charity event and, for once, everything goes right. With national television coverage and a popular campaign, the event raises an unprecedented sum. Which is when, with Jacob surfing the wave of his success, the trouble really starts..."
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GaiusCoffey at 11:33 on 05 February 2010
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| This is why it is hard to summarise the characters, none of them are just one way or the other. |
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I 100% agree. I hate doing it too!
That's why, I think, you have to concentrate on one person's perspective.
I know I am a complex and interesting character with many facets, but I am equally certain that many classify me in less than three minutes of meeting and rarely, if ever, then change their mind.
The same is true of Jacob.
No matter how interesting his mother's motives, _he_ will only see the bits that directly interfere with his life.
G
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GaiusCoffey at 11:35 on 05 February 2010
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| most of the trouble Jacob encounters in trying to run the pub successfully come from his father and twin brother Miller. |
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Great!
Then rewrite the synopsis concentrating on those two, entirely from Jacob's POV.
From my limited experience of synopsising, I would say that the optimum number of characters is 1. The more you can reduce the number of people you have to talk about, the easier it is to make it clear what you are saying.
G
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The Bar Stward at 11:41 on 05 February 2010
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Thanks G, I think I am going to have to use most of what you have mentioned.
| Then rewrite the synopsis concentrating on those two, entirely from Jacob's POV |
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I think you have already done that for me here
| He could do without the "protection" of his mother, a former gangland boss, who drags Jacob into a feud with a rival pub with her misguided attempts to help. Jacob's brilliant ideas are constantly undermined by his younger brother who has an irritating habit of being right and, which is worse, proving Jacob wrong. His womanising twin brother doesn't help either as he treats the pub like his personal cash machine. Then there is his ten-year old sister. Jacob's never sure exactly what it is she's up to, but he doesn't like it. If that wasn't enough, Jacob's father is milking the pub to satisfy criminal elements from his murky past in Birmingham. |
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The Bar Stward at 11:53 on 05 February 2010
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My book is semi based on my life, hence why it is based in 2000. In a pub life you have to deal with lots of different people, your staff, your locals, the people you want to be locals, the trouble makers, the business men, your family, its a constant battle, a big wave that you are just waiting to sweep over you. The book tackles all that, and I think I've got the balance right, easier I suppose as they are all based on real events, or at least inspired by.
This is a Adrian Mole kinda book, it has the big finish but its more driven by the horde of characters, anyway, thats just me explaining the book a little. What you have written above seem to really hit the nail on the head, so later I'l take that, and what Naomi has said, and work on another draft.
You have good constructive opinions, so if you ever get the chance to read memoirs, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
<Added>
Miller, Jacobs twin, isn't evil, in fact he is often the soul of a party, but JAcob can't stand him because he is his complete opposite. Where JAcob is uptight, career driven, Miller is loose and cool and goes with the breeze. Life is a party, not work. He causes trouble, but not intentionally, it is just a by product of his actions. Hwever, under all this, the brothers DO obviously care for one another, in their own brotherly way.
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The Bar Stward at 12:01 on 05 February 2010
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| Too many people, I think. If you cut out the mother, the younger brother and the wee sister, you have a lot more space to expand on the competing elements of the father and the evil twin. |
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There's a load of characters I haven't mentioned. Curly, Koopa, Winky, Becky. All of these are in it as much as the brothers and father, more than the mother probably, but the synopsis would of trailed on futher.
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NMott at 13:27 on 05 February 2010
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Thanks for uploading the first one. I'll look through the two and get back to you. The first one definitely caught the humorous tone very well, while the second one has more plot detail but lost some of the humour.
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NMott at 08:52 on 09 February 2010
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I haven't forgotten about this, just been a bit busy for the past few days, but will get to it soon.
- NaomiM
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NMott at 10:05 on 09 February 2010
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| I need to marry them two with what G suggested I think. |
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It's a tricky juggling act because you are using the logical side of the brian to include the necessary detail, and the creative side of the brain to keep the humorous tone. Maybe try writing fresh lines, rather than try incorporating the detail into the old ones and risk the humour going stale.
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The Bar Stward at 10:09 on 09 February 2010
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Well instead of try to wedge the two together, perhaps I should take the best of what I've got, including some of what has been suggested, but then write it fresh, instead of slicing text together. Hopefully I'll get time to write something today
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