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Witch (2nd draft)

by Doyaldinho 

Posted: 29 January 2010
Word Count: 1839
Summary: The 2nd draft of my short story. Hopefully the lumps have been ironed out of the prose. I would like your opinions on the piece as a whole; do you think it is "good" enough? I've had a hard time getting believable reviews from people I know with most of my stuff!!!
Related Works: Witch • 

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Weston was such a quiet village; far from Berenghast and further still from Cellador. The world did not bother us here, it barely knew we existed. The Purge of The Magi was a rumour, an exaggerated tale on the lips of traders and hunters. The simple folk of Weston knew nothing of the force of magic save for the hatred they held for those that could wield it.

I suppose I always knew it flowed through me, when I was little I always felt more at home in Fletchwood. The forest was my nursery and my school. Father hated me for going in there.

“Fletchwood is no place for a child Cora! It’s too dangerous!” he would say, and being a child I would not listen!

How ironic that a man who worshipped Gaia, the mother of the Earth, did not let his only child enjoy the wondrous fruit of her womb. Just maybe he suspected that it flowed through me as well. Looking back now I am amazed at how often I can see that seed of fear; the fear all men have of things that they do not understand or cannot control.

I did not heed his calls; I was more a daughter of nature than of him. The call of the wild was in me.

How majestic the trees rise; almost kissing the sky with their leafy hands and beckoning me in with the wildflowers and chirps and caws of the creatures that dwell there.

I was eleven years old, and defying my father to play and explore in the woods. He and his fellow hunters would prey on the elk that roamed the trees and I would watch them from a distance, copying a hunter, not a human of course, but the greatest hunter in Fletchwood: the wolf.

I would run on all fours, bounding over the protruding roots and ground hugging fauna of the forest… keeping as low as I could until it was time to strike. All make believe of course.

I had ducked behind a felled log to spy on my father and his hunting party. I could see the buck in the distance, grazing with sweet abandon to the predators closing in. The elk was the embodiment of elegance; lithe and graceful. He was a true majesty. One of my father’s two companions, Brom was his name, unleashed the first crossbow bolt. The searing sound of the bolt tearing the air was cut short by the shriek from the elk that bounded away, lame, its left hind leg punctured and haemorrhaging as it struggled to gain ground away from its hunters. My father skipped forward and fired next, his bolt ran true and burrowed into the creatures flank. It took two more steps before collapsing in a plume of dust and leaf litter.

Fergus, my father’s second companion, let out a whoop of victory and raced over to the corpse. Their blades hissed as they drew them and began to slaughter the animal there on the forest floor. Brom had a large leather pack with him to store the meat of their quarry.

I just sat there, fascinated, watching these men carve the beast, unaware of what encircled them. The black and grey shapes moving ever so slowly through the dense undergrowth, nearing the group of hunters; the humans were not the only beasts stalking the elk. Their movement was precise and delicate for something so broad and powerful. Each slow sure-footed stride brought them closer and closer. The wolves struck.

Four of them tore from the trees that camouflaged them, with snarling maws and rending teeth they charged. Leaping and biting and howling in a blood-lust frenzy. I couldn’t help but look on, half frightened, half in awe. In my head I screamed, but fear held my tongue.

Brom was taken to the ground, one wolf had his thigh while another had pinned his shoulders with its fore paws and bit into his neck. The wild dog proceeded to shake the life out of him. Fergus managed to bring his blade to bear on one of the beasts, but the weight and strength of the lupine creatures was too much for him. They tore him limb from limb; they slaughtered him there on the forest floor and feasted on his flesh.

That left only father, cowering from the pack; the Alpha pacing towards him menacingly. Each was bloody muzzled and wreaked of the sweat and gore of the kill. As they closed in growling, something inside me snapped and I found myself skipping over the log and charging at the wolves barking and yelping and shouting at the top of my voice.

“Leave my father alone!” I bellowed.

“Flee child! Run Cora! Run!” father shouted, frantically flailing his arms in a vain attempt to regain the wolves’ attention. Their eight grey eyes were on me, as were their growls.

“Leave my father alone!” I shouted again.

The Alpha was stunned. He cocked his head and licked a few specks of blood from his maw. He knew what I said. At the time I thought it was the words, but now I know all you have to do is feel. If you have my gift, all you have to do is feel…

The wolves moved away from my father and began to circle me slowly. I could hear their panting and almost taste their breath they were that close. Steam rose from their muscular bodies as they circled; their breath visible on the chilled air. The Alpha approached and bowed his head; his three pack mates did the same.

I reached out my hand, tentatively at first but the closer I got to the hunter the more I grew in confidence. I ran my fingers through its long wiry fur; the heat of the wild beast’s touch filled me with joy and fear simultaneously. The Alpha made a contented sound and flipped over on his back, allowing me to stroke his flanks and tickle his belly; his blood stained tongue flapping at the side of his mouth as he pawed at me playfully. The other three wolves all followed suit, waiting for their turn to be stroked and doted on. I caught the glare of horror from my father and the look in his eyes will stay with me to the grave.

I sent the wolves away, they knew we would meet again and my father scooped me into his arms and ran back to the village of Weston. For the full three miles he did not meet my eyes, surely I had done the right thing? I had saved my father, but in doing so was I lost to him?

Weston was dead to me now, I did not belong here, the villagers made sure I knew it. In the days that passed my father did not utter a single word to me, and my mother grew equally distant. The neighbours merely whispered in dark corners amongst themselves; I could feel their stares burning in to me with every step I took around that cursed village.

“My little girl is cursed.” My father told the priestess of Gaia, who promised that she would “Take care of it.”

She meant that the Hunters would take care of it, and they arrived the next day. Six tall and broad men, clad in black robes with yellow and orange flame patterns stitched into the sides and sleeves marched through the village square of Weston. Their hoods were raised and they wore gold masks that were carved with cruel and laughing eyes. The Witch Hunters had arrived.

My father held me fast as the men approached, lest I ran. The villagers had built a pyre; I gathered it was for me. The tallest of the Hunters stepped forward.

“I have received word of a mage here in Weston.” He said addressing the gathered crowd in a pompous manner “By the power bestowed on me by King Remus I himself, I demand that this abomination be brought forth.” This wretched bastard was preaching self righteousness as he was about to murder a child.

I struggled against my father but it was no use, he was at least twice my size! He hauled me into the air and then into the arms of the advancing Witch Hunters. I kicked and screamed, my arms flailed wildly; a few of my blows landed, knocking the mask from one of the Hunter’s faces. I started to tire, my limbs failed to obey me and I succumbed easily to them. They bound me and tied me to the stake secured high on the pyre and began dousing the timbers with holy oil; to which the villagers yelped and cheered. All I could focus on was the hatred in my father’s eyes. My heart was broken; I should have let the wolves have him.

My eyes welled with tears, the noise of the crowd began to bleed into itself and become a dulled drone in my ears. I lost all clarity as the torch was lit. I felt nauseous and cold despite the heat creeping up to my naked toes. The flames licked at my feet, yet I recall feeling no pain. I thought back to my experience with the wolves. If I could feel like a wolf feels, could I understand the ruthlessness of fire? The unquenchable hunger for flesh and wood that brewed below me, the indiscriminate desire for destruction, the endless hatred of everything not like me… The flames were not unlike the villagers in that respect.

My focus clicked in an instant. The cheers and shouts of barbaric joy had turned to screams of pain. Everywhere I looked the flames were wreaking havoc on their former masters. The buildings were ablaze; pillars of fire raging high into the night sky. I looked at the townsfolk running too and fro trying to pad out the flames on their backs and their legs. You may think of me as cruel, but I began to laugh.

My bonds had been burned through, and I walked down the pyre, the flames kissing and caressing me as I advanced through them. I smiled at the Hunters as they scattered with pained cries: they deserved their fate. The “power” that they feared had vanquished them. Those who try to control nature are destroyed by it. I did not manipulate the fire; I merely convinced it of a more delicious meal!

I caught sight of my father, cowering in front of the barn, his eyes fixed on me. The look of hatred had given way to a look of sheer terror. I walked towards him, glancing up to the burning timbers buckling above him. He had betrayed the one who had saved his life, I was not about to do the same: The crackling hunger of the inferno was not yet satisfied. I let the timbers fall. I let the fire taste my father’s flesh. And then I ran with the wolves.

THE END






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Comments by other Members



Mand245 at 08:53 on 03 February 2010  Report this post
Fantasy is not my genre of choice but I did enjoy reading this story, although I think, for me, this felt like the beginning of a longer story, the start of the character's journey, if you like, rather than a complete tale in itself.

Father hated me for going in there.

This line jarred with me a little bit. I found it hard to believe that a father would hate his daughter for going into the forest. It would have made more sense to me if he had "hated the fact that she went in", in other words, hated what she did rather than hating her.

In terms of content the only thing that I found hard to understand was why she didn't warn the hunters that the wolves were closing in.

I was more a daughter of nature than of him.

I may be wrong but I think this should be "of his." rather than "of him."

How majestic the trees rise; almost kissing the sky with their leafy hands and beckoning me in with the wildflowers and chirps and caws of the creatures that dwell there.

This single line being in the present tense threw me a little.

I just sat there, fascinated, watching these men carve the beast, unaware of what encircled them.

This line read to me that she was unaware of the wolves, but then she describes them closing in so I assume you meant thatthe hunters were unaware.

“Flee child! Run Cora! Run!” father shouted, frantically flailing his arms in a vain attempt to regain the wolves’ attention. Their eight grey eyes were on me, as were their growls.

"Father" should have a capital letter here. "as were their growls." doesn't really make sense to me.

I sent the wolves away, they knew we would meet again

this changes to the wolves POV. I think it would read better if "she" knew they would meet again.

Weston was dead to me now, I did not belong here,

this slips into the present tense

I struggled against my father but it was no use, he was at least twice my size!

I don't think you need the exclaimation mark here.

He had betrayed the one who had saved his life, I was not about to do the same

I stumbled a little with this. "I was not about to do the same" implies that she wasn't about to betray him as he had her, but then she lets him burn.

Hope this isn't too nit-picky. Just ignore anything that isn't helpful.

A very enjoyable read!

Mand

Becca at 09:15 on 03 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Christian,
I agree with Mand on all the points raised, in particular that this appears to be part of a much bigger story, or a novel. I think there's a fantasy group that you could upload it to and they might have another perspective on this type of material. They would be able to tell you if it's 'good enough.' I personally find the fantasy writing style too 'sweet' and so it's difficult for me to critique it objectively, apart from some of the sentence structure points that Mand's already dealt with.
Looking at it as a whole though, for me as reader, I still think the relationship between father and daughter isn't worked out. It appears that he hates her, yet he picks her up and takes her out of the forest, at eleven, she'll be big, I can't see this... and I didn't understand how she goes from leave my father alone to enjoying the wolves.
Becca.

GaiusCoffey at 18:40 on 03 February 2010  Report this post
Oo.

I don't know that I agree that this is a bigger story or not. It would certainly give a pretty compelling character to go _into_ a bigger story, but this, to me, stands on its own. If anything, I would be tempted to edit it down into a much more intense story of betrayal and vengeance.

Actually... the betrayal... To me, you don't do enough with the betrayal, which is brilliant and (though I may be exposing my poor imagination) unexpected. It feels like the betrayal is the cornerstone of this piece and I don't know if you spend enough time on it as your treatment of her reaction to discovering she is about to be burnt at the stake comes and goes in little more than a sentence. I would be inclined to cut a bit from the start to make room for more of this transition... which brings me onto the pickies...

It would be rare for me to challenge one of Mand's pickies and I won't here either. In fact, I noticed a few more. I would go further and say I've spotted a theme in that your writer's eye is moving around too freely and so generating ambiguity. For example:

My father skipped forward and fired next, his bolt ran true and burrowed into the creatures flank. It took two more steps before collapsing in a plume of dust and leaf litter.

Your father skipped forward and fired the bolt, but the elk took two more steps before collapsing. "It" is ambiguous and could refer to any of your father, the bolt or the elk.

Equally:
Fergus, my father’s second companion, let out a whoop of victory and raced over to the corpse. Their blades hissed as they drew them and began to slaughter the animal there on the forest floor. Brom had a large leather pack with him to store the meat of their quarry.

Your father's second companion let out a whoop, but the group of men drew their blades. (Also, that last sentence about the large leather pack felt a bit superfluous, a bit like an info-dump. Might just cut it.)

And here:
One of my father’s two companions, Brom was his name, unleashed the first crossbow bolt

I had to do a treble take on this sentence to make sense of it. On first read, Brom seemed to apply to the two companions! I suggest something more like "Brom, one of my father's two companions, unleashed the first crossbow bolt". Or even, does it matter that he is called "Brom"? Does it matter that their are two of them? "One of my father's companions unleashed the first crossbow bolt."

That left only father, cowering from the pack; the Alpha pacing towards him menacingly

Not sure about the comma or the semi-colon that, to me at least, make this sentence ambiguous. "That left only father, cowering from the pack, and the Alpha paced towards him menacingly." Or: "That left only father cowering from the pack. The Alpha paced towards him menacingly." Or even: "The Alpha paced menacingly towards the only one left, towards my father."

I just sat there, fascinated, watching these men carve the beast, unaware of what encircled them. The black and grey shapes moving ever so slowly through the dense undergrowth, nearing the group of hunters; the humans were not the only beasts stalking the elk. Their movement was precise and delicate for something so broad and powerful. Each slow sure-footed stride brought them closer and closer. The wolves struck.

This paragraph in particular is very difficult. In the first sentence, who or what is "unaware"? On first read, it could be anything. And the black and grey shapes, are they the men? (I know they aren't, but I had to read it twice to be sure...) Whose movement is precise and delicate? What is broad and powerful? Who or what is getting closer? And where the hell did the wolves pop up from?

It feels like you wrote a good paragraph and then cut all the bits up and jumbled them around until they sounded "miffic" (sic). I think it would benefit from a rewrite for clarity.

Finally, a few ultra-pickies:

Each was bloody muzzled and wreaked of the sweat

to wreak: to cause to happen or to occur as a consequence
to reek: to give off or become permeated with a strong or offensive odour

King Remus I himself

Not actually wrong, but confusing as the "I" can be mistaken quite easily for I. Suggest either of: "King Remus himself", "King Remus the first himself".

You may think of me as cruel, but I began to laugh.

Hey, butt out of my reading space!
This threw me as I was quite absorbed in the story and then you addressed me personally. As you haven't done the rest of the piece as a dialogue with your reader, I suggest simply; "I began to laugh." (And let me make up my own mind about what I think of Cora, I will anyway.)

running too and fro

to and fro, methinks.

But, to close:
A very enjoyable read!


Yes, it was very enjoyable, and the betrayal has a nugget of really strong story that you can do a lot with. I suspect you are overthinking your writing a bit, and there is a faux mythic feel to the sound of your prose that it might be stronger without. However, we all do mythic once in a while, and I know it can be fun, so maybe just be more careful with it.

Cheers,

Gaius

<Added>

ps:
The simple folk of Weston knew nothing of the force of magic save for the hatred they held for those that could wield it.

If they know so little about it, why do they hate those who wield it? They might know nothing about how it works, and nothing about those who wield it, but they must have some knowledge of its force if they are going to be scared of it, surely?

Doyaldinho at 19:06 on 03 February 2010  Report this post
Thank you Mand, Becca and Gaius for reading it!

I like the nit picking!

With regards to the bigger picture, Cora is a minor(ish) character my WIP novel and this story is mentioned "in passing" but I thought it would be good to tell it all here, and I feel I took the setting for granted and realise that the place names in the opening paragraph mean absolutely nothing!

Looks like I've got a fair bit of tidying up to do! And I'll see what else I can grow from the warped father/daughter relationship I have created here.

I'll leave this piece to one side for a bit and attack it again when I'm fresh.

Thank you all again!

Chris

Crimsondelilah at 10:18 on 04 February 2010  Report this post
Hi Chris

I have not read much fantasy myself but this certainly seems to be true to the genre. On the whole it reads well but I agree with previous comments that there can be ambiguities in the prose.

eg How can the villagers know nothing of magic and hate those who wield it at the same time.

I would run on all fours, bounding over the protruding roots and ground hugging fauna of the forest… keeping as low as I could until it was time to strike. All make believe of course.

"All make believe" jarred with me. I think you did well to create a certain mood and atmosphere and it seemed flippant and out of place.

Finally I too had trouble believing that her father hated her, even when he handed her over to the witch hunters. I think a conflicted father who betrays his daughter because of ignorance/fear is more credible. But that's just me.

Do work on it some more because I think it could be very good.

NMott at 14:53 on 04 February 2010  Report this post
I enjoy Fantasy, but the problem with using it when writing a short story is how long it takes to add the initial 'world building' element to set the scene. Is that backgroud information in the opening paragraphs really necessary to the story? Would it make any difference to the story if it was set in Puritanical England, with it's history of burning witches? I don't think it would.
For me the story really kicked off in the hunt. Don't be tempted to tell the reader at the outset about magic as that is part of the interest in the story. Is the child using magic to calm the wolves, or is it just their mannerisms and tone of voice? I can understand the father's fear of their child, and their actions, if there is a fear of witches in the community (it's still prevelant in some 3rd world countries, and fathers will kill children or wives if they think they are possessed). The ending where the onlookers catch fire and the main character escapes to run with the wolves is a suitable ending for the story - it doesn't have to be their physical body, but could be the character's soul that is released, leave the reader guessing.
As it currently stands, with all the world building and into to the culture, it reads more like an opening chapter of a novel than a short story (it would make a very good chapter). To make it a short story it needs editing down to the hunt and it's aftermath.

One minor techincal point, use exclamation marks sparingly. Try to avoid using them for emphasis. Keep them for shouting or experssing surprise.



- NaomiM

Doyaldinho at 21:20 on 04 February 2010  Report this post
Thank you for your comments Crimson and Naomi,

I'll consider what you've said for my next draft. Maybe a more concise approach would be beneficial, and I've still got lumps in the prose I need to get shot of.

Thanks again,

Chris

Stonerayven at 15:02 on 07 February 2010  Report this post
I am going to leave aside the technical comments as this has been covered well already by other members.


I really liked this story and your style of writing. I definitely feel this is a chapter in a book rather than a short story, though if you really tighten up the writing and maybe look at extending the word count a bit?...

The ending is really good but I feel as if I should be returning to Cora in a few chapters time to pick up her story. This is no bad thing but definitely suggests this is a chapter in a book rather than a short story. Perhaps if she were to shape-shift into a wolf there would be more resolution to the story and distance her from the reader more. Less 'camera cutting to new scene' and more 'camera panning out' if that makes sense. I do like the final line though and not sure how you would do the above without spoiling it.

I agree with the comments that it seems odd for Cora's father not to want her going into the forest, especially as he is a nature worshipper. You need to expand on this, there has to be a reason for it. Perhaps he knows that the more contact Cora has with nature, the more her otherwise dormant power will become stronger and more dangerous. I also find it hard to believe that a priestess (just as likely to be burnt as a witch) and an obviously pagan (non-Christian) society would be fearful of magic or want to attract the attention of witch hunters. A fear for her type of magic might be more believable? Jealously maybe that she is more powerful?

I understand your desire to create something fresh and avoiding clichés but setting this in a more traditional, puritan society will save a lot of effort and word count trying to re-educate the reader. The whole history and myth of 'The Burning Times' is widely known, especially given the rise in popularity of Wicca so most people will have a formula in their heads for this sort of story.


The simple folk of Weston knew nothing of the force of magic save for the hatred they held for those that could wield it.


This reads as if the people know nothing about magic whereas it is more likely that they know a fair bit or at least, there is a lot they think they know about it.

Finally, I would personally like to see the wolves remain wild animals rather than become subservient to Cora. She criticizes the community for "trying to control nature" but she does exactly the same here. I would like to see equality between them. They are doing her a favour by sparing her father and they will expect that favour to be repaid later. It would set up a more interesting dynamic for later encounters.


I look forward to reading the rest of the book! ;-) No? Another short story then?…..






Indira at 06:31 on 19 March 2010  Report this post
I remember the first draft of this piece. The father-daughter relationship as well as the logic of the piece are far stronger in the current version.

I couldn't comment in the context of genre fiction, all I can say is that it reads well, is a good story and although the reader may sense what's coming, the end is powerful.

Your build up in the woods is strong - as a reader I felt the tension of the hunt, the arrival of the wolves, the killing of the father's two companions and the intensity of the child's response.

I agree that this sentence,
He had betrayed the one who had saved his life, I was not about to do the same
is awkward and seems to neglect (1) that she saved his life once already and (2) that she was indeed about to
do the same
.

Finally, you use 'hate' when talking of the father's reaction to his daughter rather more than 'fear', which surely is a key factor too.

I hope these comments are helpful so late in the day.
Indira


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