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Daisy`s war

by Ann66 

Posted: 14 January 2010
Word Count: 403
Summary: Something I wrote a couple of years ago. Never let anyone read it so you're honoured!


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Today was Daisy's birthday. It was also the day Neville Chamberlain had told the Nation they were at war with Germany.
Clearing the dinner table Daisy cast any eye in the direction of her husband. Bill sat in his favourite fireside chair with 'The Echo' spread over his lap. His pipe nestled in the corner of his mouth. They had been married for ten years now with two beautiful children, and up until several hours ago Daisy had been happy with her lot. Now that Hitler bloke had come along to spoil it all.
Spreading a fresh cloth over the table Daisy reached over to the sideboard and picked up the brass bowl sitting among the other niknaks which made a house a home. It was her birthday present from Bill and it shone like a new penny, despite being second hand. He had been given it on his rounds as a rag and bone man. Bill knew her tastes well and as she gave it a little rub with her apron, a sudden feeling of love for her husband overwhelmed her. He worked hard to look after his family and expected nothing in return, except a pint of beer at The Bell on a Friday night and a full pipe. He was a contented man.
Placing the bowl in the center of the table Daisy turned it so the only scratch on its surface faced the wall. It hadn't been there when Bill had handed it to her. It had appeared after she dropped it on the floor when he told her he would be signing up for the Army the following day.
A shiver ran down Daisy's spine as she remembered the last war. That time it had been her father who had gone off. A strong, confident man, splendid in his uniform.
He had returned years later a shell. A man who's every waking moment was haunted by nightmares of the atrocities he had witnessed. He had never recovered.
Daisy could not let that happen to Bill. But he was adamant.
'A man has a duty to fight for his Country' he had said 'And anyway, it will all be over by Christmas.'


Two years later the telegram boy paid Daisy a visit. Bill had died a hero. Tears clouded her vision as she threw the offending piece of paper towards the table. Silently, it fluttered into the brass bowl.









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Comments by other Members



jim60 at 18:04 on 14 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Ann, a very nice piece to start off with.
The only thing I picked up on was the 5th line down, the one which starts, "Spreading a fresh cloth over..." this sentence seems a little long, try a comma after 'table' just to see if that makes it any different.
A very minor nit-pick, but anyway, very nice and well done for putting it up.




Albatross at 10:10 on 15 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Ann,

I think this is a lovely, moving story! There are lots of elements that you could build on as well if you wanted to - the rag and bone man and the Bell and the history of the second hand bell. Lots of lovely ideas in here, I think!

Ian

Katie Mayes at 11:19 on 15 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Ann

This is a lovely piece and definately has bags of potential for expansion to a longer short story if that's where you're heading with it.

You could develop the characters a bit more and bring the piece alive with action and atmosphere as I think some parts are 'telling' rather than 'showing'.

Well done for posting it up.

Katie x

Ann66 at 15:01 on 15 January 2010  Report this post
Thanks for all the comments. It took alot of courage for me to upload this peice of work! Im hoping to develope it into a short story, so Im sure you will be seeing more of it in the future.

Ann.x

Joella at 14:42 on 17 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Ann, like the essence of this short story. I would just like to say, be careful with tenses. You begin -

'Today was Daisy's birthday. It was also the day Neville Chamberlain had told the Nation they were at war with Germany'.

You mention the bowl -

'Daisy turned it so the only scratch on its surface faced the wall'.

I assumed you were still writing about the same day, until you write -

'... she dropped it on the floor when he told her he would be signing up for the Army the following day'.

The story then moves on -

'Two years later the telegram boy paid Daisy a visit. Bill had died a hero. ........... Silently, it fluttered into the brass bowl.'

One other little thing - '..it will all be over by Christmas.' refers to WWI

If you started the piece on Daisy's birthday, say two years after the declaration of war, maybe the day she gets the telegram, then write retrospectively, it would work well. You could even expand it to include more detail of the war and Daisy's life, hopes and fears whilst her husband is away fighting.

Sorry if you feel this is beyond 'be gentle with me' but I'm not criticising your story, just pointing out a common error, most of us make at some time. You've a lot of potential here and I'd like to see you expand your idea.

Regards, Joella.








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