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The Hospital Dash

by Bianca 

Posted: 01 January 2010
Word Count: 658
Summary: For Jumbos challenge


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They had Great Expectations for this forthcoming child. Over the last two years there had been two miscarriages and a stillborn baby. Laura was now almost 28, considered these days to be fairly old for a first baby but she took no unnecessary risks. She had changed her hours at work so she was home by mid afternoon to put her feet up and Sam picked up any shopping needed on his way home from the office. After they had eaten he made Laura sit back in the chair while he washed up the dinner plates. Each time Laura got to her feet to help he made her go back and sit down.

Three times Laura had chosen names for her unborn children but now she decided to leave it until the child was born. She was desperate to go shopping for clothes for the baby but felt this was tempting fate. The following day on her way home from work she got off the bus one stop before her own as she had spotted a beautiful shop for baby clothes and prams. As soon as she was in the door kindly middle aged ladies asked her how much longer she had to go and made her sit in a chair whilst they brought her beautiful outfit for new babies. She felt very emotional but could not tempt fate and buy anything.

Laura boarded the next bus which arrived within a few minutes and arrived home only ten minutes later than usual. Sam phoned within five minutes to say he had tried to contact her and was worried. Laura did not want him to know she had been looking at baby clothes so she told him that she had been held up at work in a meeting.

Before she was pregnant this time Laura had loved Saturdays as she had always met up with a couple of girlfriends to shop and have lunch together. Now that she felt like the size of a whale she had stopped meeting up with them. A couple of them had children already but she now felt that she did not actually fit into the “childless camp” or the “mother’s camp Also it was now mid July and the weather was really hot and definitely not suitable for a heavily pregnant woman to be walking about.

Sam must have picked up on how she was feeling and suggested that this Saturday they go the coast in the car and find a shady spot for a picnic. Laura was not too keen on sitting out in mid July but she knew that Sam was trying very hard to lift her spirits so she smiled and said that would be wonderful. They packed a small picnic box and drove to the coast. As they were leaving Laura asked if they could stop at the sweet shop on the corner. Chocolate was her addiction and she had cut down on it while she was pregnant but she felt a little may not hurt. How wrong she was.

They reached the coast within an hour and spread their small picnic out on a grassy piece of land. There was a cool breeze and they both stretched out on a towel. Laura opened her eyes about ten minutes later with severe stomach cramps. Sam was fast asleep but she managed to wake him within a few seconds. It took a minute before Sam came too and realised what was happening.. They were now too far away from their own hospital so Sam phoned 999 and explained the situation. An ambulance arrived at the beach with 10 minutes – which Laura said seemed an hour.

The new mother and child were whisked off to the hospital and Sam had to drive himself.

After Laura had been driven away in the ambulance it took Sam about 10 minutes to take it all in before he followed it (on a donkey!)






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Comments by other Members



Bunbry at 14:29 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Bianca, I liked this but I'm not sure about the donkey at the end. Here's why!

I would imagine he would have travelled in the ambulance with his wife, but if this was not possible would have used his car (indeed you do say he had to drive, not ride, himself) or at least called a taxi.

If you want to use the donkey for comic effect, you need to explain why these options were not avaiable to him.

Have a play around with the ending and you'll have a great story!

Nick

V`yonne at 16:07 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
I agree about the donkey but you had to use a donkey for the exercise and I understand - you can kill him off later

Here you have punctuation missing
now felt that she did not actually fit into the “childless camp” or the “mother’s camp Also it was now mid July and


It'll work...

Cholero at 18:34 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Bianca

I thought this well written, lots of tricky stuff nicely done such as POV and tension-building, and I was pretty much engrossed right through to the end, but I felt it lacked real purpose - there is no twist or lesson learnt or humour or provocation to think or anything that I could grab onto really except a description of a sequence of events, and so I felt quite heavily let down once I'd finished reading. Sorry to sound harsh, but it seems you've got so much going on technique-wise it's a shame there isn't a real story there for all that to serve...

Looking forward to your next one. Sorry again!

Happy New Year,

Pete

Jumbo at 00:28 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Bianca

There's a story in here waiting to burst out but it does need a little polishing.

But dump that damn donkey - I'm sorry to have saddled you with him.

Thanks for the read,

john



tusker at 07:39 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
A good story, Bianca but, for me, too busy.

Cut out sentences that need editing out. Strip it back. Hard I know with these challenges and the themes given.

Yes, I know John wanted a donkey in it, but if you want to send it off somewhere, send it to a donkey sanctuary.

This could also be a longer piece if you wanted it to be.

Jennifer

Prospero at 08:11 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Bianca

I enjoyed the story overall, but fell over the donkey at the end as I couldn't see how it worked with the rest. Perhaps you could include it as a soft toy for the baby if you rewrite.

Best

Prosp

Bianca at 11:56 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Thanks for those who commented on my work.

I have to admit I intended to go through it again and make some alterations but sent it too quickly.

Looking at it once more I agree it is far too busy. I think I will blame the it on too much wine for New Year - well that's my excuse for now!

Shirley.





Bianca at 11:08 on 04 January 2010  Report this post
Thank you everybody who commented on my piece of work.

I have not really written anything for about 4 years, and getting back into is a bigger challenge than I thought.

I would really like to get as many tips or comments as possible. Chuck it at me - I can cope!

Shirley


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