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The Teddy Scare: Revision 7

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 15 December 2009
Word Count: 1088
Summary: Hello I'm giving serious thought to submitting this and I have just finished some artwork for it (http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2491/4183230652_ba7c8d1e16.jpg)
Related Works: The Teddy Scare • The Teddy Scare: Revision 5 and 6 • The Teddy Scare: Version 4 • 

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THE TEDDY SCARE

Version 7


Once there was a little girl called Aimee, who had a scruffy old bear whom she loved very much. His name was Patch and he had been with her forever, and though his stitching was loose, and his fluff kept on falling out, it did not stop the two of them having lots of magical fun together around Aimee’s home. They were the best of friends


To Aimee and Patch the house was a place of wonder and mystery, a place where strange and exciting things occurred, where a new adventure was always just waiting to happen.



To an adult a pile of clothes in the corner of a bedroom is just a bunch of smelly clothes waiting to be put in the wash but to Aimee and Patch it was a mountain waiting to be climbed and conquered.


And a cardboard box wasn't just something the new television came in, to Aimee and Patch is was an interstellar spaceship, which took them both on incredible journeys through our Solar System, to visit all of the planets, and to visit some of the people who live there.


Best of all, the garden was not just some over grown grass at the back of the house, it was a magnificent jungle waiting to be explored, full of strange creatures that only Aimee and her tatty old bear knew about.


(Note: In the last picture you see Patch getting muddy and his stitching falling out, which leaves a trail of his fluff behind him)


However there was one place that Aimee and Patch never dared ventured. Under the stairs was a mysterious black, gloomy door and whenever the pair felt brave enough to try and open that door, a huge roar from within would frighten them away. Aimee often wondered what horrible thing lived under the stairs.


One afternoon, when Aimee had eaten her lunch, she raced back up to her bedroom to get Patch so that he could join her on another new adventure, but to her shock and horror he wasn’t on the bed where she had left him, in fact he was nowhere to be found at all!


Had Patch gone exploring without her? Where could he be?


Aimee looked all over her bedroom for Patch but she could not find him anywhere. Finally Aimee noticed a piece of white fluff besides her bed, just near where Patch had last been. Then Aimee spotted another piece, and another. There was a trail on the floor, and she followed the pieces of fluff out of her room...


OH NO! The trail led to the scary black door under the stairs, and inside Aimee could hear a terrible grumble!


Its the monster under the stairs , Aimee thought and he's have taken poor Patch!


Aimee felt very scared when the monster roared again and she almost ran away to hide under her duvet, but then she remembered poor ol'Patch. Would he leave me if I was in trouble? , Aimee thought no he would not! (The sections where Aimee thinks to herself could perhaps been in speech bubbles within the illustrations)


Aimee suddenly had the most brilliant plan.


Aimee snuck into her parent’s room and found her Daddy’s pile of horrible work socks. They were the most terrible, smelliest, old socks in the whole wide world. Holding her breath she grabbed as many of the stinkers as she could carry and she raced back to her room where she made a surprise for the nasty, teddy stealing monster.



If a monster is going to be pinching my teddy , Aimee thought to herself, let’s see how he likes this! At the end of her bed she made the whiffiest, smelliest, pongiest teddy there have ever been.


(Illustration will show how Aimee puts the socks together, reluctantly as the smell is so bad)


Aimee had turned her Daddy’s dreadful socks into a teddy bear.


That night Aimee waited in her bed for the monster to come and steal her trick teddy and when he did, the terrible smell would make him faint and then she could go and rescue poor Patch from the dreaded monsters lair under the stairs.


Aimee waited, and waited, and waited until, her little eyes could stay open no longer and she fell into a deep sleep.


There was a noise and Aimee very quickly woke up, the stinky sock teddy was gone, but its smell was not. Her bedroom door was wide open and from down stairs she could hear very loud grumbles from beneath the stairs.


Aimee leapt from her bed and raced down the stairs and quickly found herself outside the monsters lair. The door was slightly opened and after taking a deep breath Aimee took a peak inside.


It was very dark inside and hard to see but she could just make out the shadow of the monster. He was bigger than she had imagined and he was grumbling louder than ever. It seemed he was sick, very sick. The monster had tried to eat the sock teddy because she could see it in his mouth going around and around.



For a moment Aimee worried that the monster had eaten Patch too but then she noticed something that made her smile...Patch. Her old bear was sat right next to the monster, who was still grumbling very loud indeed. Without hesitation Aimee darted into the room, grabbed her bear and ran back out, slamming the door shut behind her!


When Aimee was back in her bed she checked to see if Patch was okay and he was, in fact he was perfect. Patch had brand new stitching and a new patch on his belly to stop his fluff from falling out. He was also very clean.
The monster must have decided that Patch was too nice to eat.


Never again did the monster try to steal Patch, because now the monster was now too afraid of Aimee.


(Note: The illustrations would subtly show in the background that it was Aimee's mother who took and cleaned/fixed Patch. The monster is actually the washing machine. The silhouette of the machine will look like a monster because the clothes on the top of it will be shaped like horns and its switches/buttons will glow red like eyes. The light from the door being open will illuminate the room just enough so that Aimee can see where Patch is)






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 11:45 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
I think the plot is much better in this version.

The Bar Stward at 12:50 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
Thank you. Would you say the story is ready to submit? If so, all I need to do next is outline the illustration for each of the 32 pages (I have it planned that most pages would have the illustrations as double spreads).

Also I have thought, who would be better at representing the pitch, a literacy agency or a illustrator agency?

Issy at 14:10 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
The story is there, beautifully, Bar Stward, but my heart sank. You have too many words by far, sorry. If its going to go anywhere it needs to be cut to the bear (sorry bare) minimum. Short simple sentences, present tense or very immediate past, I feel distance from the mc and her bear, whereas the child wants to feel a direct connection. The reader or the read-to needs to experience that this is a house of mystery not have it explained to them - so the first page should show some mystery straight away.

The illustration can show Aimee hugging Patch with his stuffing falling out - he or she will know then that Aimee loves Patch - who said a picture is worth a thousand words?

Cut out entirely the parents vp of the pile of washing - put in the mcs view on this smelly heap by all means. The direct smelly heap as they climb it would appeal I am sure. All a bit whiffy.

The picture I saw is fabulous, and with that huge talent, why not use it to tell most of the story in a picture with very few words at all?

Sorry but don't give up on this. It takes ages and ages to write a picture book.

eg Aimee climbs the mound of washing but it was far too whiffy for Patch.

The Bar Stward at 14:43 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
No thats great, I'll work on verison 8 asap

NMott at 15:23 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
who would be better at representing the pitch, a literacy agency or a illustrator agency?


There are so few specialising in picture books that I would pitch to both.

As Issy says it could be tighter. I think you are still writing it in the mindframe of a parent reading the story to a child, rather than in Aimee's shoes, and that affects the tone and the 'voice' of the prose.

<Added>

Agents also look for humour in such stories, so maybe keep that in mind - Zak's antics in the background of the illustrations will help here - cf. Harry and the Bucketful of Dinosaurs (Harry and the Dinosaurs) by Ian Whybrow and Adrian Reynolds.

The Bar Stward at 15:34 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
OK. I'll produce verison 8 with references to what the illustrations should be

Joella at 19:39 on 22 December 2009  Report this post
Hi The Bar Stward, like the idea of your story, think your art work is great, but I'm inclined to agree with Issy.
Maybe cut out the 'Once there was a .... ' and begin with -' Aimee was a little girl who had a scruffy old bear whom she loved very much....'
Draw Patch, but don't describe him. If this is for very young children the reader and child will be able discuss what Patch is like. Picture books are an invaluable source of pre reading stimulus. Children surmise from pictures in the same way as a reader makes inferences from text.
In the beginning where you write about their adventures - clothes mountain / card board box - interstellar exploration, maybe a double page with drawings of the adventures and a title or very short sentence beneath would be better. Eg - Aimee with back pack, Patch under her arm, climbing pile of clothes and her imagination shown in a sort of picture bubble (like speech bubble) if you know what I mean?
It's a good idea to leave some things to the imagination and a very good thing if a book has the reader engage with it. Listening to a story, interpreting pictures and predicting what might happen are all valuable skills children need to learn if they are to become competent readers.

One last thing - have you thought about a website to link with the book. I'm going to set up my Happy Bottom website before I publish the book. Make it a place children will want to visit by offering pictures to download and colour/ word searches/ competitions/ information on you and the story characters etc. It may well help to promote this book/ series of books and other stories that you write. The very best of luck, Joella.

The Bar Stward at 00:15 on 23 December 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comment and I agree. I am going to rewrite this so that the essense of the story remains the same but the visuals will tell as much of that story. Also I'm gonna try and make the house seem a more magical place, its hard to describe but I think you will like what I have planned. I've got it all pencilled down, I just gotta type it up but its Christmas, I've got design jobs on, its chaos, so I just need to find the time when I can sit down with a focused (not drowsy) head and get this done...who knows, one day I might get back to my Barstewards story!


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