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The Teddy Scare: Revision 5 and 6

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 13 December 2009
Word Count: 1644
Summary: Hello I'm giving serious thought to submitting this and I have just finished some artwork for it (http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2491/4183230652_ba7c8d1e16.jpg)


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THE TEDDY SCARE

Version 6



Once there was a little girl called Aimee, who had a scruffy old bear whom she loved very much. His name was Patch and he had been with her forever, and though his stitching was loose, and his fluff kept on falling out, it did not stop the two of them having lots of magical fun together around Aimees home.


To Aimee and Patch the washing room wasn't just a place full of dirty washing, oh no, to them it was a humongous mountain to be conquered.


And a cardboard box wasn't just something the new television came in, to Aimee and Patch is was an interstellar spaceship, which took them both on incredible journeys through our Solar System, to visit all of the planets, and to visit some of the people who lived there.


Best of all, the garden was not just some over grown grass at the back of the house, it was a magnificent jungle waiting to be explored, full of strange creatures that only Aimee and her tatty old bear knew about.


(Note: In the last picture you see Patch getting muddy and his stitching falling out, which leaves a trail of his fluff behind him)


However there was one place that Aimee and Patch never dared ventured. Under the stairs was a mysterious black, gloomy door and whenever the pair felt brave enough to try and open that door a huge roar from within would scare them away. Aimee often wondered what horrible thing lived under the stairs.


One afternoon, when Aimee had eaten her lunch, she raced up to her bedroom to get Patch so that he could join her on another new adventure, but to her shock and horror he wasn’t on the bed where she had left him, in fact he was nowhere to be found at all!


Had Patch gone exploring without her? Where could he be?


Aimee looked all over her bedroom for Patch but she could not find him anywhere. Finally Aimee noticed a piece of white fluff besides her bed, just by where Patch had last been. Then Aimee spotted another piece, and another. There was a trail on the floor, and she followed the pieces of fluff out of her room...


OH NO! The trail led to the scary black door under the stairs, and inside Aimee could hear a terrible grumble!


There is a monster under the stairs , Aimee thought and he must have taken my teddy bear!


Aimee felt scared and she almost ran away to hide under her duvet, but then she remembered poor ol'Patch. Would he leave me if I was in trouble , Aimee thought no he would not!


Aimee suddenly had the most brillant plan.


Aimee snuck into the washing room and found her Daddy’s pile of horrible work socks. They were the most terrible, smelliest, old socks in the whole wide world. Holding her breath she grabbed as many of the stinkers as she could carry. She raced back to her room and there she made a surprise for the nasty, teddy stealing monster.


(The sections where Aimee thinks to herself could perhaps been in speech bubbles within the illustrations)


If a monster is going to be pinching my teddy , Aimee thought to herself, let’s see how he likes this! At the end of her bed she made the whiffiest, smelliest, pongiest teddy there have ever been.


(Illustration will show how Aimee puts the socks together, relucantly as the smell is so bad)


Aimee had turned her Daddy’s dreadful socks into a teddy bear.


That night Aimee waiting in her bed for the monster to come and rob her trick teddy and when he did, the terrible smell would make him faint and then she could go and rescue poor Patch from the dreaded monsters lair under the stairs.


Aimee waited, and waited, and waited until, her little eyes could stay open no longer and she fell into a deep sleep.


There was a noise and Aimee very quickly woke up, the stinky sock teddy was gone, but its smell was not. Her bedroom door was wide open and from down stairs she could hear very loud grumbles from beneath the stairs.


Aimee leapt from her bed and raced down the stairs and quickly found herself outside the monsters lair. The door was slightly open and after taking a deep breath Aimee took a peak inside.


It was very dark and hard to see but she could just make out the shadow of the monster. He was bigger than she had imagined and he was grumbling louder than ever. It seemed he was sick, very sick. Aimee could see he had the sock teddy inside his mouth and it was going around and around. Her plan had worked.


Then Aimee saw what she had come for...Patch. Her old bear was sat right next to the monster, who was still grumbling very loud indeed. Without hesitation Aimee darted into the room, grabbed her bear and ran back out, slamming the door shut behind her!


When Aimee was back in her bed she checked to see if Patch was okay and he was, in fact he was perfect. Patch had brand new stitching and a new patch on his belly to stop his fluff falling out. He was also very clean.


The monster must have liked Patch a lot, but never again did he try to steal him. The monster was now too afraid of Aimee.


(Note: The illustrations would subtley show in the background that it was Aimee's mother who took and cleaned/fixed Patch.)

THE TEDDY SCARE

Previous Version 5


Once there was a little girl called Aimee, who had a scruffy old bear whom she loved very much. His name was Patch and he had been with her forever, but he was quite old so Aimee's Mommy always had to stitch him back together.

Every day Aimee and Patch would have the most wonderful adventures; their imagination could turn even the most boring thing into something magically fantastic. Of course that is why it is so brilliant being a little person like you.

To Aimee and Patch the washing room wasn't just a place full of dirty washing, oh no, to them it was a humongous mountain to be conquered.

And a cardboard box wasn't just something the new television came in, to Aimee and Patch is was an interstellar spaceship, which took them both on incredible journeys through our Solar System, to visit all of the planets, and to visit some of the people who lived there.

Best of all, the garden was not just some over grown grass at the back of the house, it was in fact a magnificent jungle waiting to be explored, full of strange creatures that only Aimee and her tatty old bear knew about.

(Note: In the last picture you see Patch getting muddy and a bit torn)

One afternoon, when Aimee had just eaten all of her lunch, she raced up to her bedroom to get Patch so that he could join her on another new adventure, but to her shock and horror he wasn’t on the bed where she had left him, in fact he was nowhere to be found at all!


Had Patch gone exploring without her? No he wouldn’t do that because it just isn't as fun unless you do it together.

Aimee suddenly noticed a piece of white fluff on the floor, and then another piece, and another. There was a trail which wasn’t on her floor before she had eaten her lunch, and so she followed the pieces of fluff out of her room, along the landing, down the stairs and OH NO! The trail led to the scary black door under the stairs, and inside Aimee could hear a terrible grumble!


There is a monster under the stairs,’ Aimee thought ‘and he must have taken my teddy bear!’


Was Aimee scared? Yes she certainly was and she almost ran away to hide under her duvet, but then she remembered poor ol'Patch. Would he leave her if she was in trouble, no he would not!


Aimee decided she was going to rescue her fluffy friend and teach that horrible monster a lesson while doing so, and she had the most brilliant plan.

Aimee snuck into the washing room and found her Daddy’s pile of foul socks. They were the most terrible, smelliest, old socks in the whole wide world, but Aimee needed them for her super idea and so managed to hold her nose and take as many as she could carry. She raced back to her room and there she made a surprise for the nasty, teddy stealing monster.


'If a monster is going to be pinching my teddy', Aimee thought to herself, 'let’s see how he likes this', and at the end of her bed she put the whiffiest, smelliest, pongiest teddy there have ever been. Aimee had turned her Daddy’s dreadful socks into a teddy bear.


That night Aimee waiting in her bed for the monster to come and rob her trick teddy and when he did, the terrible smell would make him faint and then she could go and rescue poor Patch.

Aimee waited, and waited, and waited until, oh no, she fell asleep. However, when Aimee woke up, the stinky sock teddy was gone, but in its place was now Patch. He looked very clean and he was nicely stitched back together.


Horray, Aimee shouted, my teddy is back. Obviously the monster didn’t like Aimee’s stinky surprise at all and didn’t want any more.


(Note: The illustrations would subtley show in the background that it was Aimee's mother who took and cleaned/fixed Patch.)













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Comments by other Members



NMott at 10:24 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
I love the layout of the front cover, esp. the teddy and the shadow of the scary monster. My only concern is the child, as she looks a bit too formulaic. How much control do you have over eyes, mouths, etc? Do you pysically draw them, or choose from a selection of pre-drawn facial feature types?

NMott at 11:52 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Good. Just some nitpicks -

but he was quite old so Aimee's Mommy always had to stitch him back together.


Not sure about 'always', because then Amiee would be used to having her teddy disappear to be mended, and he wouldn't be 'tatty'. Maybe remove the reference to fixing and say it was starting to look a little tatty or showing it's age or something.


Every day Aimee and Patch would have the most wonderful adventures; their imagination could turn even the most boring thing into something magically fantastic. Of course that is why it is so brilliant being a little person like you.


Authorial voice is sneaking in here - especially in the last line where the author is speaking directly to the reader.
Would your target readership understand 'their imagination could turn even the most boring thing into something magically fantastic'? Since you have examples of their "wonderful adventures" below I'd suggest simply deleting those two lines.


it was in fact a magnificent jungle waiting to be explored, full of strange creatures that only Aimee and her tatty old bear knew about.


Yuo could delete 'in fact'

(Note: In the last picture you see Patch getting muddy and a bit torn)


Maybe he already has stitching unravellng from his ear, or something?

One afternoon, when Aimee had just eaten all of her lunch,


Authorial intrusion - preaching. As a parent I'd groan at reading 'eaten all her lunch'.


Had Patch gone exploring without her? No he wouldn’t do that because it just isn't as fun unless you do it together.


I like the first sentence, but avoid rationalising the disappearence as that destroys the suspense of where has teddy gone, and, again, it sounds preachy.

Aimee suddenly noticed a piece of white fluff on the floor, and then another piece, and another.


I don't think you need 'suddenly' - one doesn't usually 'notice' something 'gradually'.

There was a trail which wasn’t on her floor before she had eaten her lunch, and so she followed the pieces of fluff out of her room, along the landing, down the stairs and OH NO! The trail led to the scary black door under the stairs, and inside Aimee could hear a terrible grumble!


Edit for Pace: There was a trail on the floor, and she followed the pieces of fluff out of her room...
You need to mention the 'scary black door under the stairs' before this, to set up the scene. A good place would be amongst the examples of adventures she'd had with her teddy '...but one place they didn't go to was the scary black door to the grumbling room under the stairs'. Then here you would just have OH NO! The trail led to the scary black door. She could hear the <something?> behind it grumbling away...'


There is a monster under the stairs,’ Aimee thought ‘and he must have taken my teddy bear!’


Thoughts don't need to be in quotation marks. You could have them it italics, or you could have Aimee talking or whispering to herself.

Was Aimee scared? Yes she certainly was and she almost ran away to hide under her duvet, but then she remembered poor ol'Patch. Would he leave her if she was in trouble, no he would not!


You are speaking directly to the reader. Personally I would keep to the 3rd person pov. I think maybe Aimee could be talking to herslef again, asking herself 'Would patch leave me if I was in trouble? No he wouldn't'


Aimee decided she was going to rescue her fluffy friend and teach that horrible monster a lesson while doing so, and she had the most brilliant plan.


I wouldn't stop to think about it as that stalls the plot. Just do it.

Aimee snuck into the washing room and found her Daddy’s pile of foul socks.


I don't think the target readership would have heard of 'foul'. Maybe 'used'.

They were the most terrible, smelliest, old socks in the whole wide world,


Good.

but Aimee needed them for her super idea and so managed to hold her nose and take as many as she could carry. She raced back to her room and there she made a surprise for the nasty, teddy stealing monster.


Delete 'but Aimee needed them for her super idea and so managed..'. Just have your character do it, don't stop to explain it as she's doing it. Also she wouldn't be able to carry an armload of socks and hold her nose, so maybe she holds her breath. 'She gathered up as many socks as she could carry and, holding her breath, raced back to her room.'


'If a monster is going to be pinching my teddy', Aimee thought to herself, 'let’s see how he likes this', and at the end of her bed she put the whiffiest, smelliest, pongiest teddy there have ever been. Aimee had turned her Daddy’s dreadful socks into a teddy bear.


Full stop after ...this'. At the end....
At the end of her bed she made the whiffiest.... - maybe add a bit more description on how she made it - stuffing socks into socks, making sausage shaped arms and legs, a little round head with balled up socks, and with daddy's extra big football/tennis/running socks she made a big fat body (how's she going to fix them together? - maybe daddy's laces from his trainers?)


...and then she could go and rescue poor Patch.


Maybe add 'from the monster's lair' or 'den'.

Aimee waited, and waited, and waited until, oh no, she fell asleep.


Maybe avoid repeating 'oh no'. It's authorial voice again, as a child would not think 'oh no' just before falling asleep.


However, when Aimee woke up, the stinky sock teddy was gone, but in its place was now Patch. He looked very clean and he was nicely stitched back together.


Oh. A bit of an anticlimax.
I though she'd wake up and follow the smell to the grumbling room. The door could be ajar and the light on and Patch would be sitting clean and mended on a stool inside, while the stinky sock-teddy is going round and round inside the washing machine's tummy.


Horray, Aimee shouted, my teddy is back. Obviously the monster didn’t like Aimee’s stinky surprise at all and didn’t want any more.


I don't think you need that.


(Note: The illustrations would subtley show in the background that it was Aimee's mother who took and cleaned/fixed Patch.)


Good.





<Added>

Ummm, maybe when I said 'nitpicks' I hadn't read to the end of the story. But it is a lot tighter then the earlier versions and there is a stronger plot thread.
Watch that 'eaten all lunch' thing as it's outside the natural path of the story which makes it sound preachy.

The Bar Stward at 13:20 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Brillant, thank you very much, I will certainly use your notes to redraft a sixth revision. I'm planning on using the next couple of weeks to tweaking the story, and my submission pack.

I drew all the images myself but changes can be done quickly as it is all produced in layers, you can change elements without wrecking anything. Any suggestions? Here's a link to my online portfolio for examples of my work in different styles.

NMott at 13:25 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Here's a link to my online portfolio for examples of my work in different styles.


Could you post that again, the link appears to have disappeared.

The Bar Stward at 13:30 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
www.scottevansdesigns.blogspot.com

NMott at 14:20 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Thanks . I thought that one towards the bottom (sample no.102) with the pointy ears was very good. The features were much more realistic and there was a lot of chracter in the face.

Just realised you have the baby brother in the cover, but he's no longer in the story. Also the cover shows her inside the room, or maybe opening the door, which isn't in the story.

The Bar Stward at 14:30 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
I was still going to have the baby brother kinda following her around in the background in the book, a kind of subtle secondary story, or I could change it to being Aimee and Zac, so perhaps the story appeals to both boys and girls.

The elf picture is digitally painted and if I did the whole book in that manor it would take years to complete, lol.

The Bar Stward at 14:31 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
I've just reworked this following your advice NMott. I would have resubmitted it as a fresh piece but as you know you have to wait 2 days until you can make another upload.

The Bar Stward at 14:36 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
How it could work with the two children instead of one

Once there was a little girl called Aimee and a baby boy called Zac who shared a scruffy old bear who they loved very much. His name was Patch and had been in the family forever, and though his stitching was loose, and his fluff kept on falling out, it did not stop the them all having lots of magical fun together around the house.


To the children and Patch the washing room wasn't just a place full of dirty washing, oh no, to them it was a humongous mountain to be conquered.


And a cardboard box wasn't just something the new television came in, it was an interstellar spaceship, which took them all on incredible journeys through our Solar System, to visit all of the planets, and to visit some of the people who lived there.


Best of all, the garden was not just some over grown grass at the back of the house, it was a magnificent jungle waiting to be explored, full of strange creatures that only Aimee and her tatty old bear knew about.


(Note: In the last picture you see Patch getting muddy and his stitching falling out, which leaves a trail of his fluff behind him)


However there was one place that Aimee, Zac and Patch never dared ventured. Under the stairs was a mysterious black, gloomy door and whenever anyone felt brave enough to try and open that door a huge roar from within would scare them all away. Often Aimee and Zac wondered what horrible thing lived under the stairs.



AND SO ON, YOU GET THE POINT

NMott at 14:57 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
In the previous version I liked the parts that were from Aimee's 3rd person pov. The trouble with having a second character is you them default to amniscient/author's pov and that is out of favour with agents and publishers these days.

<Added>

oops typo, 'omniscient;

<Added>

One of the best Picture Book Agents is Celia Catchpole. She has a selection of illustrators' work on her website to see the sort of thing she's interested in - quirky stuff a'la Quentin Blake, or to the detail of your sample no.102.

The Bar Stward at 15:39 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Keep to just the one then. In terms of the illustrated elements of the book, I wanted to create something subtly multi layered. This story is based on my four year old daughter Aimee and she makes me read the same books over and over again, and so it would be nice to create something that has something a little new each time. In this I planned to have baby Zac in the background following his sister around, a little bit 'where's Wally' if you know what I mean. He would be quite off in the distance, but its a secondary thing to notice when returning to the book.

NMott at 17:30 on 14 December 2009  Report this post
Well some agencies ask for several mss per submission (I think PDF was one of them) so it might be worth working up a series for them.

<Added>

...and, yes, if oyu have Zak in the background in the first one, you could bring him to the fore later in the series.

<Added>

...I wouldn't underestimate the work involved in putting together a picture book - it's as long as writing a novel. Writers like Julia Donaldson take a year or more to sort out the text, and illustrators take a year or more on the illustrations.

The Bar Stward at 09:37 on 15 December 2009  Report this post
I was reading this to my daughter last night and by doing so it made me realise a few bits were missing, so I'm going to make some minor changes in a moment, roll on revision 7

jim60 at 16:04 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott, it's taken me a while to get through all the comments, obviously, there's been a lot of work in progress here.
However, I did like the story, I found it to be quite good fun, I take it that these parts are finished as is, or have I got that wrong? Could you upload again after tidying all these other points, I'd like to read it again if that's what you were planning.
Jim.


The Bar Stward at 16:13 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
The story is there, it just needs trimming now.

The Bar Stward at 18:01 on 16 December 2009  Report this post
oh this is verison 6, I'm working on 8 now


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