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Fallen

by Sam Rix 

Posted: 17 November 2003
Word Count: 100
Summary: From the book of The song’s of the Samurai This one is an odd one, another moody piece still needing work, which has a 'possible' brighter note in a second verse. But I think part two detracts from the atmosphere I’m trying to create. Thoughts please on the first part and I'll upload the second half later, just so as not to confuse the ‘two parts‘. Thanks Sam


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Fallen

If your body fails you now, you will pass with spring’s arousal
You will lie amongst the fallen

If your eyes retire now, you will miss the glory of summer
You will be lost amongst the fallen

If your breath ceases to inhale, you will miss the first scent of autumn
You will decompose amongst the fallen

If your heart seeks to quietly still, you will lie under a cloak of winter unbroken
You will be forgotten amongst the fallen

Warriors one and all are to a duty called
Predestined to take our place amongst the fallen


Sam Rix






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Comments by other Members



peterxbrown at 00:30 on 23 November 2003  Report this post
This is so moving! I like the hidden or implied message of joy in the poem which lies in the purity of Samurai death with honour. The manner of death is a concept with echoes in today's turbulent struggles and divergent views of what is good and evil.The language is powerful and the rhythm reinforces the poem's nobility. I also enjoyed the beautifully composed imagery of: " if your body fails you now... if your eyes retire....... if your heart seeks to quietly still...." and wonder if the phrase "if your breath ceases to inhale" could be better expressed (reflecting the richer imagery of those other phrases). I look forward to seeing part 2. Superb!
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Sam Rix at 15:54 on 21 January 2004  Report this post
Hi Peter,
Thanks for that, I enjoyed the intensity of my emotions as this one formed.
I agree that "if your breath ceases to inhale" is weaker than the rest (just had to get the essence down), it needs a revisit to make the poem whole.

I hope to be logged on soon to re-draught this one.

Love luck to you and yours
Steve
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BorderBound at 11:52 on 07 September 2004  Report this post
I usually don't like repetition,
but this one works,

I especially likes the last stanza..


write on!


Borderline
Borderbound x
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