Doors
Posted: 29 November 2009
Word Count: 137
Summary: this is an idea i have been working on so it is my first attempt and may need a re- write. see what you think.
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We are surrounded by doors
enticing us in, sugar coated doors for sticky fingers,
doors of mystery, keep out, staff only, nettled in
barbed wire.
half open doors full of promise, chocolate soft centred
exciting doors, silk covered in lace suspenders
inspiring doors, Leonardo bold italic, uppercase only
lonely doors all shuttered in silence, cobweb covered
sad doors, tear stained and umbrella wet
happy doors, candy striped in laughter
forbidden doors, Pandora boxed, best kept locked
revolving doors covered with the same sticky mistakes
trap doors crocodile sprung to catch you out
doors that slide on tram like runners, buffered into
walls with imprint of face
secret doors of camouflaged chameleon that
blend into the back ground
troubled doors thunder clapped in turmoil and hard to
get through.
We are surrounded by doors enticing us.
Tony Morgan.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 13:32 on 29 November 2009
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Oooh, Tony, at first reading, I loved this. I haven't taken my time, just read with a gut reaction. Very interesting! I'll be back with suggestions if I feel fit!
joanie
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 Tmog at 11:01 on 30 November 2009
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Thanks joani, i dont know what to make of it myself, it was just one of those things that pop into your head from time to time, not really sure it flows that well though.
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joanie at 12:04 on 30 November 2009
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I think it flows very well indded! I enjoyed reading it aloud.
joanie
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 James Graham at 20:00 on 04 December 2009
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Hi Tony - Good for you, posting a first draft. You wouldn't believe some of mine - I wouldn't have the nerve to post them. You say this may need a rewrite; I'll have a good think about it and see if I can come up with suggestions.
James.
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James Graham at 19:33 on 05 December 2009
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Your first attempt turned out pretty well - I don’t see a need for any major revisions, just a few minor things. It’s an inventive poem, with every ‘door’ made interesting by surprising turns of phrase. I like especially
| doors of mystery, keep out, staff only, nettled in barbed wire. |
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This line could be unpicked at some length, there’s such a lot in it. There’s a mystery about doors that declare their exclusivity. ‘Authorised persons only’ - probably some authorised persons somewhere behind the door are just talking small talk, or talking about who won Strictly Come Dancing, or the diets they’re on. But the sign creates an aura. ‘Nettled in barbed wire’ is one of the best mixed metaphors I’ve seen. The exclusive door seems guarded by barbed wire - or nettles. Or both. Or barbed wire that has an extra sting. The way you put those two things together is very neat.
I like also
| inspiring doors, Leonardo bold italic, uppercase only |
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and
| trap doors crocodile sprung |
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and more.
All I would suggest by way of revision is to snip off some inessential words. Especially ‘that blend into the background’, because the word ‘chameleon’ is enough; we already know chameleons blend into the background. Similarly I’d suggest cutting ‘and hard to get through’. I’m unsure of the need for ‘the same’ in ‘the same sticky mistakes’.
This is slightly different, but to give the beginning and end of the poem more impact I think you could do without ‘We are surrounded by’. Let the title run into the poem:
Doors
enticing us in
sugar-coated doors... |
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and at the end:
...thunder clapped in turmoil.
Doors
enticing us |
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I keep coming back not only to barbed wire that brings you out in a rash, but also to 'crocodile sprung' doors. What a brilliant phrase! Doors that close on you like a crocodile's jaws - it's painful!
James.
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Tmog at 09:14 on 07 December 2009
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Thanks James for your comments.
being a bit of a secret poet all these years I have never really had anyone unpick my poetry in the way write words and authors who are published like yourself do and I find it refreshing and liberating to have have someone praise and criticise my work, I like to be told as it is, rather than be kind for the sake of it, It is making me look at poetry in a quite different way so thanks again. As for Doors i will certainly re look at it soon and draft it again.
Thanks Tony.
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 FelixBenson at 14:08 on 09 December 2009
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There is great sense of letting the imagination run in this peom - which meakes it so much fun to read (and I get a sense you enjoyed letting your imagination go with some of these inventive lines)...
I liked these the best:
forbidden doors, Pandora boxed, best kept locked
revolving doors covered with the same sticky mistakes
trap doors crocodile sprung to catch you out |
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the tumbling rhythm, the rhyme in the first lines - the idea of the sticky mistakes and the image of the 'crocodile sprung' doors. I also liked:
| Leonardo bold italic, uppercase only |
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- very inventive!
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SarahT at 22:18 on 11 January 2010
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Hi Tony,
I know I am very late with comments but I am so glad that this poem is still up. I really enjoyed it and I think it works brilliantly, taking the reader through a life or lives just by describing the doors. I seriously only had one comment in that I thought that the following jarred a little:
| revolving doors covered with the same sticky mistakes |
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I think that I thought that it jarred because 'same' was a little redundant - the repetition of 'sticky' does exactly the same job as the word 'same', in a slighty more poetic way, if you see what I mean. But Kirsty has said that she likes this line, so it probably doesn't need changing.
There are lots of great bits. I liked 'forbidden doors, Pandora boxed, best kept locked'; 'the troubled doors thunder clapped in turmoil and hard to get through'; and the 'sad doors, tear stained and umbrella wet'. I also liked the trace of food all the way through, the sticky fingers, the promising chocolate boxes and the candy stripes of laughter. Great!! I'm glad you've stopped being a secret poet!
Sarah
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