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My Frozen World

by claremerison 

Posted: 27 November 2009
Word Count: 413
Summary: Flash fiction Didn't get the words in...got carried away, but had a great time writing it!


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Does water in a river flow underneath the ice?

I stand and wonder what would happen if I jumped straight in. Freeze to death I expect. I might be carried away by the current raging under the frozen surface to some other land; the land of all the fish and under water creatures that canít survive under the ice. I could become a mermaid; lady of the frozen lake. The fish would stare and bow their heads in reverence. Water weeds waving their salutes at my noble stance would part to let me glide gracefully through. I would look up at the surface and see a mirror image of my world in reverse.

Do you think the current is strong enough under the ice?

This is a slow meandering river with gentle, soft banks, not a raging torrent with harsh impassable sides and deadly branches waiting to stick their fists in your eyes. I could travel in style to my underwater paradise. I could float as if carried on a throne, taking in the sights, following the contours of the lesser viewed underside of the river bank. My hair would drift out behind me in a trail, a comet in slow motion; streamline, trailblazing. I wouldnít need to swim, the soft current would carry me, limbs relaxed and floating gently towards my ice covered goal.

Do living things survive, under the ice?

On my journey I could pick up those on their way to the frozen lake. I would have a train of followers, an aquatic locomotion, snaking its way along, silently. The insects would surround me with their minute musings and jerky movements; pushing us on to dreamland, wings flapping futilely, they would race into the distance, miniature scouts for a supernatural journey. Catfish and eels would follow regally on my tail, musing the state of affairs and lamenting a time long past. I would lead the line into the unknown, on to paradise.

How much light is there, under the ice?

The world would be a plethora of frozen colours. Icy blue would penetrate the prison from the perfect sky above, beyond the surface white would dominate, cracking and shattering into a million shades. But below, illuminated by the glow of electric blue, magical, fiery red and white-hot yellow, we would be disco ball of light; forever dancing and shimmering, flashing and sparkling. In my underground world life would be vibrant and beautiful. Oh!

Could I make it underneath the ice?






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 11:14 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Clare

Welcome to Flash Fiction

This certainly a beautiful debut with all of these images. I particularly liked:

deadly branches waiting to stick their fists in your eyes


This is the kind of idle speculation I would probably indulge in if I were just strolling by a frozen river and I think you have captured the ideas perfectly.

Best

Prosp

Bunbry at 19:17 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Clare welcome to the group - hope you have fun here!

If I'm honset, I prefer a story with a plot, rather than this internal monologue style. That said I'm still able to recognise quality when I see it and this is top notch. Well done.

Nick

Cholero at 10:45 on 28 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Clare

Lovely writing nicely structured by the rhetorical questions which open each stage. I loved the section where she floats down-river with her entourage taking in the less familiar sights of the underwater banks.

The writing flows just as the water does, but there's a terrific tension there which fights against the lyricism, because there are intimations of death here, the idea that her jhourney is towards an after-life and that she might be contemplating suicide.

V last line felt too inconsequential- the make it too slangy and light.

Some of the rhythm in some of the lines felt broken when it seemed like it should flow.

Apart from these small picks, I really, really enjoyed this.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

<Added>

If I could make one general crit it's that you use adverbs and adjectives sometimes wher you might not need them - the writing is strong enough to live without some of them.

Take a few adjs out of this line:This is a slow meandering river with gentle, soft banks, not a raging torrent with harsh impassable sides and deadly branches waiting to stick their fists in your eyes. and you get:

This is a meandering river with soft banks, not a torrent with impassable sides and deadly branches waiting to stick their fists in your eyes.

To me the latter sounds stronger and more lyrical, emphasising your points rather than watering them down. But that's just one set of ears and one person's taste, so please ignore at will.

Pete

claremerison at 11:59 on 28 November 2009  Report this post
Thank you so much for all the useful replies guys. Really appreciate all the advice you have given me. I will certainly take it on board. I absolutely agree with what Pete said about the last line...I'm rubbish at finishing things, always want them to go on infinitely!
Hope to keep improving, looking forward to the next one!
Clare

V`yonne at 17:45 on 28 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Clare. This has the structure I'd expect in a prose poem and I can see that you're in flash poetry too so I hope to see some poems from you soon This writing would make a good springboard for both a story and a poem. I'd experiment if I were you in writing both from this starting point.
eg: Poem
Does water flow beneath the ice?

I stand and wonder what would happen if I jumped straight in.
I might be carried by the current's rage
freeze to death
under the surface to some other land;
a land all fish
under water creatures that canít survive under the ice.
I would become a mermaid; etc etc

eg: Story
Does water in a river flow underneath the ice?

I stood and wondered what would happen if I jumped straight in. Would I freeze to death? I might be carried away by the current raging under the frozen surface to some other land; the land of all the fish and under water creatures that canít survive under the ice. I could become a mermaid; lady of the frozen lake. The fish would stare and bow their heads in reverence. Water weeds waving their salutes at my noble stance would part to let me glide gracefully through. I would look up at the surface and see a mirror image of my world in reverse.
At this point diverge into two stories - one where the person jumps one where they don't. Use everything you can of the original but have a middle and end.

I often start stories with a poetic idea and poems witha story in mind. The writing is beautiful and I loved the colours of your underwater world I wanted to see that. Look forward to reading more form you.

Oonah

Jubbly at 19:13 on 28 November 2009  Report this post
I really like this Clare, it's very evocative and beautifully written. It also captures a brief moment but at the same time tells us a lot about the MC. Welcome to the group.

J

Jumbo at 09:14 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Clare

Hi - welcome to FF1!

Nice writing, an inspired take on the prompt and some great images.

The cold certainly came through.

I hope your MC makes it!

Cheers

john

crowspark at 09:41 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Clare

Wonderful debut piece. I liked the structure images and flow.

With some editing and a stronger ending this could publish.

Well done!

Bill

claremerison at 11:46 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Thank so much again. All the support and criticism is just what I need!
I have looked back at the piece and think I am trying to find my niche at the moment - having a go and seeing how it turns out.
I will certainly have a look again at this and try what Oonah has said, a story and a poem. I'm really excited about all the direction I seem to have...thank you!
Must work on my endings, my weakest part. I'm always so sad when things come to an end!!
Thanks again,
Clare


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