Baptism
Posted: 26 November 2009 Word Count: 351 Summary: For Flash 1's winter challenge
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Fen could hear ice shifting. Close by, a wooden bridge creaked under the weight of snow. Beneath it, the lake moved its jagged pieces into a beautiful, haphazard jig saw pattern. From a cedar box, she took out a red velvet cloth and laid it down upon the snow. Beside her a wood fire crackled. Upon the fire a blackened kettle melted handfuls of snow.
On a red velvet cloth, she placed a silver trivet, its short stout legs dimpling the smoothness of the cloth’s surface. Upright, pushed into the snow, stood a cross she’d made from twigs that were bound together with long strands of her dark hair. Behind her, a blue tent flapped in the icy wind like a trapped bird trying to escape. Inside the tent, wrapped in a thick wool blanket, a baby lay cocooned in a Moses basket that had been first used two days ago.
Placing a pewter mug on the trivet, she lifted the kettle from the fire and poured hot water into the mug that warmed her hands. Some water slopped out and trickled onto the cloth. Staring down at those dark spots, Fen heard the sound of barking dogs. Then in ebbs and flows, men’s voices drifted to her. Urgent calls were muffled by another fall of heavy snow. For an instant, she thought she recognised her husband’s voice amongst the searchers and her resolve, for a moment, wavered.
Fen got up from her knees, holding the mug in one steady hand. Crawling inside the tent where her baby lay, she dipped a finger into the mug and drew a sign of the cross upon the infant’s forehead. Gazing down at alabaster cheeks, she smoothed away wispy, soft hair from her child’s brow, and prayers tumbled from her cracked lips in wracked sobs of torment and grief.
At the sounds of men and dogs drawing closer, their heavy footsteps audible upon scrunching snow, she lay beside the Moses basket, and whispered the name, Olivia. Then, with a cry, plunged a hunting knife deep into her breast; a breast that leaked unsuckled milk.
Comments by other Members
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Prospero at 09:57 on 26 November 2009
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So many questions, Jennifer.
Is the baby dead? Is there some reason the baby shouldn't be christened and that is why Olivia has run away?
The story draws you in, but leaves you wondering what has happened to bring a new mother to such a place and to such tragic ending.
I have re-read the story twice looking for clues, but perhaps I am just being dim.
Enjoyed the descriptions, just couldn't connect the dots I'm afraid.
Best
John
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V`yonne at 12:24 on 26 November 2009
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I'm in bits! Poor woman. Such a touching scene. I think it needs a longer story to fit into so that's a project for you.
Picks
the lake moved its jagged pieces into a beautiful, haphazard jig saw pattern |
| Aw Jen, that's gorgeous!
Para 2 On the red velvet cloth?
For an instant, she thought she recognised her husband’s voice amongst the searchers and her resolve, for a moment, |
| don't need both.
<Added>
Oh and Prosp's comment shows there should be a full stop there so people know that she is naming the child.
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tusker at 14:30 on 26 November 2009
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Many thanks, John.
No you're not dim. I just wrote it as a scene I saw in the picture.
The woman's baby died shortly after birth. Grief and deep post natal depression has her running away with her dead baby. She wanted to die with her child. Nothing else mattered.
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:33 on 26 November 2009
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Thanks Oonah. Glad you liked it.
I'll put in a full stop.
Don't know whether I could extend the story. The woman's mental Hell started after the birth and ended 2 days later.
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:59 on 26 November 2009
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Have done a bit of fiddling at the end of the flash. Is that bettter?
Jennifer
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Prospero at 17:34 on 26 November 2009
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Hi Jennifer
'Ulysses' is just one day and that is ginormous as well as virtually inpenetrable.
I undertsood the general idea, but like I say I just couldn't join the dots to get the complete image.
Clearly Oonah did, but then she is of the female persuasion. I am better with Meccano.
Best
John
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choille at 18:06 on 26 November 2009
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Hi Jennifer'
I would have a 'the' instead of 'a' here: , as you've mentioned it already.
Lovely images with the jig saw of ice on the water & all the cold scenes.
She's pretty oganised with the camping gear - tent an all, to be as so mad with grief, but that's a cruel pick as it is all quite lovely & vivid, especially with the unsuckled milk.
Great tension.
All the best
caroline.
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Bunbry at 19:53 on 26 November 2009
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I wouldn't have guessed this was a Christening but enjoyed the rest of it (if that's the right word!)
Nick
PS Jigsaw might be one word.
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tusker at 08:57 on 27 November 2009
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Thanks Caroline.
She's not insane as in 'mad.' In Fen's state of mind, planning her suicide would be no problem. But in her state of mind, continuing to live would be meaningless.
Jennifer
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tusker at 08:58 on 27 November 2009
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Thanks Nick.
Your right. Jigsaw is one word. My spelling hasn't improved.
Jennifer
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Cholero at 10:33 on 28 November 2009
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Hi Jennifer
This really got me:bound together with long strands of her dark hair. |
| -something fetishistic and so personal about it, I think it's v defining anout the state of mind of the mother.
The whole thing very affecting, especially the idea of the approaching menfolk and what they are about to find.
The end plunged a hunting knife deep into her breast; a breast that leaked unsuckled milk. |
| is v powerful, though I felt off-put by the word leaked, can't explain why.
Loved the jigsaw of ice image.
Great atmosphere, a landscape of great coldness reflecting her state of mind.
I felt the whole thing stands well on its own, tho it does have the feel of a scene from a much larger story, and I would love to know more of the back story and what happens next.
Nice writing
My only miniscule pick is that you might be able to do without wracked, this seemed to over-egg things, torment and grief convey enough.
Best
Pete
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Longhand at 13:45 on 28 November 2009
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I loved the cross 'bound together with long strands of her dark hair'. Like Pete says, it's fetishistic and a strong image.
One pick, and I'm afraid it's at that final image. I'm not sure, but don't breasts create milk as the baby suckles, rather than filling up like jugs*?
Bear in mind that I don't have any breasts myself, but I seem to remember hearing something like that during NCT classes... anyone else know?
Also, as it's only two days after the birth she wouldn't have much milk anyway, especially if the baby wasn't feeding, and what she would have would be thick and creamy - colostrum I think it's called.
Of course you could always just claim artistic licence, cos it's a brilliant image and it says so much.
* boom boom
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Jubbly at 19:16 on 28 November 2009
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I got the story straight away Jen and it was magnificent. So sad and very truthful. I thought the baby had died when I read the line - Inside the tent, wrapped in a thick wool blanket, a baby lay cocooned in a Moses basket that had been first used two days ago.
Very well written.
J
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crowspark at 09:06 on 29 November 2009
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Great descriptive writing and very moving.
My only nit, other than some word choice points already raised, is to do with the death of the baby.
Perhaps change this:
cocooned is associated with new birth whereas "shrouded" would show the story.
Excellent flash!
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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Jumbo at 09:09 on 29 November 2009
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Jennifer
This is lovely. Sad, desperately sad, but lovely.
Not much else to say.
Thanks.
john
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