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Canal.

by choille 

Posted: 25 November 2009
Word Count: 446
Summary: For The 282 Challenge. Busted the word count - sorry.
Related Works: Behind Closed Doors. • 

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Swans came first, followed by geese, then a straggle of ducks; a rag-tag army all slithering along the top of the frozen canal.
Someone had thrown a supermarket trolley onto the ice from the bridge. The birds slid on past it in their pursuit of running water.

I walked into the crisp undergrowth, retrieved a branch that felt leaden, as cold as steel in my gloved hand and threw it into the canal. It skimmed across the surface, caused the birds to screech and flap. The branch settled against the white encrusted reeds on the opposite bank.

I thought for a moment that I wanted to walk across the ice, step on the glassy surface and follow the scattered birds up to Cowley. A man came, with a dog on a lead, throwing sticks, but the dog could only stretch so far, had to wait until the owner had caught up to the stick they’d thrown. Then the dog bent down, retrieved the stick, dropped it at its owner’s feet, but he kept walking, ignoring the dropped stick. He’d choose another from the banking and toss that ahead. I watched them for a while until they disappeared under the bridge, out of sight.

I felt the box in my pocket, its corners sharp. My fingers encased it in my palm.

Miriam, his Mother, had shown me her wedding china: the twelve cups, saucers and tea plates, the sugar and cream, matching tea pot and trivet. It all seemed so chintz, so of another age. She’d smiled expectantly; had offered it to me, had it laid out on her dinning room table. Of course I said, ‘I couldn’t possibly,’ but she pressed on, patted my shoulder.

A jet screamed overhead scratching the blue sky with white as the branch had etched a scar across the surface of the frozen ice.
The box wouldn’t sink - if I threw it, would sit like the trolley until a thaw came, or someone retrieved it, plucked it from the top.

Nearer the factory, high up in the building, I could see men and machines through the many windows. There was noise: bustle and thrum, bangs, scream of tools: metal against metal. Flashes of white light and the arcing shower of welders working illuminated the drab brick gable.

Someone somewhere had made this ring; hunched over a bench, beaten a strip of gold into a band, soldered it, and placed a stone into it’s claws.

I saw a trickle of water near an out-pipe. Warmth was melting the ice on the other side. If I walked across I could push the box under, let it sink down into the murky slime.






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Comments by other Members



Dreamer at 00:18 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Wow,

Somebody is in a sullen mood...
If she didn't want the ring, why accept it? If she was disposing of the china, fine. But the ring?

As usual, lovely descriptions. Your writing has a way of lulling us into the story. Loved the way you wreck the setting with the supermarket trolley sitting on the ice. Sort of sets the mood.

Note sure you need any of this:
Nearer the factory, high up in the building, I could see men and machines through the many windows. There was noise: bustle and thrum, bangs, scream of tools: metal against metal. Flashes of white light and the arcing shower of welders working illuminated the drab brick gable.

Someone somewhere had made this ring; hunched over a bench, beaten a strip of gold into a band, soldered it, and placed a stone into it’s claws.

Now there's a record. The 'wordy' Canadian cuts 73 words from one of your pieces! Seriously, I don't think it adds much and we already know the box has a ring. Or have her peek at it, a glint of gold, and then drop it into the water. Well under the word count now.

Best,

Brian.

Prospero at 08:50 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Great descriptive piece, Caroline.

I loved the man with dog, so completely out of sync with the whole concept of what dogs are all about and such a good metaphor for what comes later with the china and the ring. Another example of someone being shoe-horned into another's person's reality without regard for their own needs or point of view.

Great stuff.

Best

John

V`yonne at 12:07 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
I think Brian may be right about that section but overall I loved this. I liked the piece about the china. Poignant how older generations always think of their treasures as things that will be appreciatied by the young and in this case the MC rejects all that particular mother hold dear.

Me? I'd have sold the ring! ;

tusker at 14:46 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Atmospheric and moody.

Your MC's despondency reads thick on the screen.

I enjoyed her walk, seeing the sights she saw. Why was the man throwing the stick for a dog on a lead? I reckon that dog's leash is an example of your MC's feelings of entrappment.

Like Oonah, I'd sell the ring and get rid of the china at a car boot sale.

Jennifer

choille at 18:15 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Brian,

Many thanks for reading & commenting. Yes, your right I should have a cull of the car workers.

Thing is with all the birds marching up the canal & the supermarket trolley sitting atop is all true. It was so surreal & noisy with the geese, swans & ducks marching up the ice - I'll never forget it.

Cheers for your thoughts.
Appreciated.
All the best
Caroline.



choille at 18:18 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi John - yeh you've got it.

Glad you liked it.

Cheers for reading & commenting.

Appreciated.
All the best
Caroline.

choille at 18:21 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Oonah,

I'd have given the ring back - pushed it through their letter box.

Cheers for reading & commenting.
Appreciated.
All the best
Caroline.

choille at 18:22 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for reading & commenting.
Glad you enjoyed the walk.

I'd just hand the stuff back, return it - myself.

All the best
Caroline.

Bunbry at 19:45 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Caroline - top draw stuff as usual!

If you do cut the engineering bit, perhaps use the words saved to say why she is so intent on putting the ring in the canal, rather than the other options open to her.

Nick

Cholero at 20:14 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Caroline

Swans came first, followed by geese, then a straggle of ducks; a rag-tag army all slithering along the top of the frozen canal.
-just a tremendous start, I got the image immediately and it led me in, half comedy half tragedy, just like the story, and a great piece of symbolism for things being, as it were, out of their element. I enjoyed the whole tale and thought you told it with lovely atmosphere and lots of apposite, nicely wrought physical detail.

I'm in picky mode however, so get ready with a big frozen stick and I'll get ready to duck, no pun:

A man came, with a dog on a lead, throwing sticks, but the dog could only stretch so far, had to wait until the man; the owner had caught up to the stick he’d thrown. Then the dog bent down, retrieved the stick, dropped it at its owner’s feet, but the man kept walking, ignoring the dropped stick.
-just too much man, dog, stick, almost like a Hemingway pastiche, that deliberate thumbs up to 'elegant diversity'. Maybe not.

My fingers encased it in my palm.
-if the palm encased it the fingers wouldn't be involved.

Miriam, his Mother had shown me her wedding
-comma after Mother?

A jet screamed overhead scratching the blue sky with white as the branch had done across the surface of the frozen ice.
-but the branch didn't scratch the blue sky with white.

if I threw it, would sit like the trolley
-a missing it?
plucked it from top
.-missing a word?

Nearer the factory, high up in the building, I could see men and machines through the many windows. There was noise: bustle and thrum, bangs, scream of tools: metal against metal. Flashes of white light and the arcing shower of welders working illuminated the drab brick gable.
-super.











<Added>

Hit 'submit' too soon!

Just wanted to say, finally, what a great piece, having left my close friend Mr Picky outside in the cold and come into the pub for a wee dram after my weekly Scottish outing. Or was this Oxford?

Enjoyed, as always.

Best

Pete

choille at 22:14 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Pete - many thanks for the close read - as ever.

For a palm to encase something, fingers would be a necessity - would have to be clawed, curled around - no?

Yes - it's Oxford.

Take on board what you point out & many thanks for all your time on Pete.

Much appreciated.

All the best
Caroline.

choille at 22:20 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Nick - Thanks for reading & commenting so positively.

I don't really want to give her reasons. I don't really know other than she wants rid of it, wants it drowned - if not herself possibly.

All the best
caroline.

crowspark at 08:39 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Oh yes, this could do really well. Fabulous opener and effective analogies of entrapment, restriction and a desire to escape.

The opening scene is memorable.

Thanks for the read.

Bill

Jumbo at 08:57 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Caroline

I love your descriptive writing. You have a knack of capturing the little details that I would almost certainly miss!

the white encrusted reeds

as an example.

Really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing it.

john

choille at 11:08 on 29 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks for reading & commenting Bill & John.

Appreciated.

All the best
Caroline.


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