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THE SHAMBLES - REVISED

by Joella 

Posted: 24 November 2009
Word Count: 336
Summary: This has been rewritten in light of comments received from members. I hope it now has a better structure and you find it more enjoyable. Thanks!


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THE SHAMBLES

Major Payne dwell in his caravan
his Bottom not looking too happy 
His mood was more and more glum 
temper a little bit snappy.

The problem - Wally’s darn chicken house,
was no comfy place to call home
So cursing the day when the rain came in,
he decided to pick up the phone. 

Thumbeing through Dimple’s Directory 
phoned builders - Allcock and Bull 
who spun him a bit of a yarn
as their diary wasn’t that full. 

To the Major, they were an idle pair                
so  he never offered them tea
But asked why it took them an age
to ‘poodle off’ for a  ..... drink?

One dark night, in a howling gale,
his caravan flew in the air
The Major escaped unharmed
but his home was in need of repair.

Major Payne then stayed with a friend
a decision considered unwise,
when returning, after two months or so
he faced an unpleasant surprise... 

Rose covered cottage? That it was not
the house looked nothing as planned
Allcock and Bull got a flea in their ear
and from Happy Bottom were banned. 

Major Payne  inspected the shambles
‘Call themselves builders?  What  spoof.’
Then horror of horrors, he smelt a fire 
when there was no chimney in roof. 

All was lost, in  a matter of minutes, 
as most of the structure was wood
but the Major had it rebuilt
by the company, Allwell and Goode. 

Not every row of bricks was plumb
nor every window straight
But the roof was beautifully thatched 
and the garden boasted a gate.

With electrics in and plumbing done
as the Major soaked in his bath,
moggy, Fireside, crept on in
to snooze in front of the hearth. 

So finally, yes finally 
the Major’s dream had come true
And everything about his home 
was modern, comfy and new.

Flowers were planted, lawns were laid 
and past nightmares forgotten
For in all of Dimple, no-one had 
a  more blooming and beautiful Bottom! 







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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 20:15 on 26 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella - Your hard work has paid off. This goes very well, much more effectively. But I'll comment more fully.

James.

James Graham at 12:06 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Not much more to say really - the poem trips along very nicely and moves quickly from one disaster to another. As I read I keep conjuring up cartoon-style drawings to accompany each scene, especially the shambolic house burning down. It’s easy to imagine the apoplectic figure of the Major, and the shifty cowboy builders. A contented cat in the foreground, by the fire, and the Major in his bath, seen through an open door. The finally finished house, still with slightly askew windows and perhaps a crooked chimney. I imagine the poem presented in a format with two or three verses on each left-hand page and lively drawings on the right-hand pages. There’s lots of inspiration here for a good cartoonist. Good fun!

James.

Joella at 12:39 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Thank you, James. I am presently working with my illustrator and will bear your comments in mind. Could I be so bold as to ask if you would read 'Not So Cheap' for me again? You showed me what was wrong with the rhythm, said it needed tidying up and I have done quite a lot of editing. I would like to know what you think of it now. I could post it again in this forum or e-mail it. Which would be best, assuming you don't mind reviewing it again, of course? Regards, Joella.

James Graham at 19:43 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella - It's probably best just to post your revision in the group. 'The Shambles' is pretty much sorted now, so we could come back to 'Not So Cheap' (Cheep?)

James.

Joella at 19:47 on 27 November 2009  Report this post
Okay, James and thank you. I'll leave this a day or two and post 'Not So Cheap' revised again. Regards, Joella.


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