Old Mums

The development competition

Magda
How's Giles's speech development coming along?

Carla
Oh fine I think, only this morning he asked for begfusrt.

Magda
Really? And what did he mean?

Carla
Breakfast of course, it's obvious.

Magda
Oh, well did I tell you my Arabella can count to ten.

Carla
That's not possible at her age.

Magda
I assure you it is, admittedly she doesn't say the numbers in the correct order, but that's only because she's experimenting with her creativity.

Carla
Well Giles knows all the names of the Tweenies and can even correctly identify their individual hair colouring.

Magda
Well there you are, see, they say mature mothers breed extraordinarily bright babies, and we're living proof.

Carla
Just look at them over there pretending to read that collection of Noddy and Big Ears books, aren't they sweet.

Magda
Arabella's not pretending.

Carla
What?

Magda
She can read, I caught her doing the Sunday Times Crossword yesterday she's utterly amazing.

Carla
Really, well.....Giles is showing all the typical tendencies of a professional football player.

Magda
What, going out with a Page 3 girl, getting drunk then smashing up a night-club.

Carla
No, he's already been spotted for Arsenal, and he can recite his alphabet.

Magda
Well Arabella can speak French like a native.

Carla
We're thinking of bypassing the nursery route for Giles and letting him take his A levels straight away.

Magda
Well Arabella's having an exhibition at the Tate Modern this year, her paintings has been regarded as essential viewing for any discriminating art lover.

Carla
Giles's is in training for the 2008 Olympics, and he's really the only hope we've got for Wimbledon this year.

Magda
Well Arabella's engaged to the crown prince of Hungary and we hope to move into the palace just as soon as we're able.

Carla
Well Gile's is tipped as the next Prime Minister, it was announced just the other day.

Magda
Well Arabella favourite to win this years Best Actress award at the Oscars, she was absolutely brilliant in the remake of Tess of the Durbervilles.

Carla
Well Giles received an OBE for charity work in the new years honours list.

Magda
That's nothing, my Arabella sailed from The Isle of Wight to New Zealand single handedly and featured in a full length documentary in the process and is shortly to be made a dame.

Woman
Excuse me, are these two yours, we found them in the ladies loo smearing poo all over the walls.

Carla
Sorry, oh no nothing to do with us.

Magda
Never seen them before in our lives, quick Carla let's get out of here.

Babies
Mummy, mummy.


Old mums on shopping spree

Magda
Well I think it's high time we treated ourselves, we spend all the hours God gives looking after our babies and we deserve to look nice too, there what do you think?

Carla
Mmmm, it's a bit, mmmm...tight.

Magda
Yes it is isn't, excuse me , could you please get me another one of these tops , there's something wrong with this one it doesn't seem to fit, thank you. Honestly, no doubt they get them made at some hideous little sweatshop in the east end where all the workers are half blind with deformed fingers, it's a disgrace.

Girl
Here you are madam.

Magda
This is a size 14, are you mad, I'm a size 10 always have been always will be.

Girl
Um, are you sure, it's just you look more like a size 14.

Carla
For heaven's sake, if she says she's a size 10 then so she is,
Magda's always right.


Magda
Thank you Carla , but I'll handle this, please go and get me a size ten top and a pair of those very trendy ultra low jeans that show off your midriff.

Girl
(Suppresses laugh)

Carla
Are you sure about this Magda, I mean to be completely honest I know there's still some of my pre baby clothes I simply can't get back into.

Magda
Yes well that's you, not me. just because I've had a baby doesn't mean my body's going to expand two whole sizes, I mean I did actually give birth, I'm not still pregnant.

Carla
Of course you're not.

Magda
Oh Carla you're right, I'm so depressed, I can't believe I'll never be thin again, I had no idea motherhood involved such sacrifices.

Carla
It doesn't have to, we can join a gym, one with a crèche, work out every day, even take up yoga or Pilates or swimming, why in no time at all people we'll be back to the way we used to be what do you say?

Magda
You're right, tell you what let's go out to lunch to celebrate, just the two of us.

Carla
What about the babies?

Magda
Just leave them here and draw the curtain, no one will notice.



Bad Mums planning their week.

Magda
Carla I've printed out a weekly timetable for the babies various activities, with effective accomplishment of these strategies the trajectory for our children has all the integral components of a success formula.

Carla
As long as we older mothers continue to refine our corporate vision to leverage our human, technical and financial resources effectively we will achieve our goals.

Magda
Heres to fostering an attitude of outstanding parenting service and satisfaction, so Monday's Baby Gym in the morning and baby yoga in the afternoon.

Carla
Tuesday, we've baby massage in the morning then the opportunity to attend a variety of mother and toddler groups where we can mix with other women with whom we've absolutely nothing in common and drink cheap coffee with longlife milk and nibble Iceland's broken biscuits.

Magda
Wednesday's baby swimming at 11 followed by baby luncheon club then baby trapeze school.

Carla
Thursday, baby music and singing workshop , ooh I really can't stand that wretched song about the wheels on the bloody bus.

Magda
Oh dreadful, (Sings, the wheels on the bus go round and round) and that awful 'wind the bobbin up' who on earth uses a bobbin these days.

Carla
Oh well I suppose it's good for them, we have to think of the babies futures, after singing there's Information Technology and crazy keyboard for the under threes.

Magda
Friday, Tiny Tots French classes then creative art play and clay modelling.

Carla
No wonder we're so exhausted, not to mention the weekend and having the men around as well.

Magda
It really is too much, shall we just get a childminder and go to lunch?

Carla
Then a spot of shopping?

Magda
Oh yeah, put the Tweenies on and crack open another bottle of red.

Magda
Done.

FX Cork pops. Tweenies

The end

bad Mums organising Two year old's Birthday Party

Magda
Oh this is a nightmare trying to organise Arabella's birthday party, I just don't know who to invite, I mean it's not like she's got any really close friends, she's only a baby for heavens sake, she hardly knows anyone.

Carla
Well there's my Giles of course.

Magda
Goes without saying, besides you're going to be there with me helping, don't you worry.

Carla
What about an entertainer, they can be jolly good fun.

Magda
Yes, good idea, pity that stripagram I had for my fortieth isn't suitable, he was very good value.

Carla
Oh Bendy Bertie, yes, that was the night you fell pregnant with Arabella wasn't it?

Magda
Yes, I got a bit carried away after pouring baby oil over Bendy Bertie's private parts and went straight home to seduce Geoffrey.

Carla
You didn't?

Magda
I did, he was ever so shocked, that's a first, he said, yes well I said, fortunately you only turn 40 once, so enjoy it. Now back to the party who have we got?

Carla
What about Teresa?

Magda
Yes, good and there's Richard, Janice, Victoria and Emily.

Carla
You could ask Elizabeth and Stephen?

Magda
And Roberta and Harriet, Timothy, Miranda, Sophia ,Daniel and Melinda. Right that's looking healthier, now do we know any children?

Carla
No.


Bad mums at Softplay

FX NOISY CHILDREN

Magda
Good God, it's very noisy in here.

Carla
You'd think they'd play some nice music or something, this din is going to give me a migraine.

Magda
Excuse me, is there anyway we can turn that dreadful noise down?

Girl
Sorry?

Magda
Oh never mind, right, Giles and Arabella shoes off, go and have fun.

Carla
I'll get the lattes, you grab a table and as many copies of Hello and Ok as you can.

FX Tannoy
May we remind you , your children must be supervised at all times while here at the Funtime play house.

FADE

FADE UP

Magda
So I said......

FADE

FADE UP

Carla
No really...well.....

FADE

FADE UP

Tannoy
Attention please, we have two lost children at reception, a boy and a girl aged about 2. Could the parents or carers please come to reception.

FADE

FADE UP

Tannoy
The boy is wearing red dungarees and the girl has on a pink T-shirt with the words, If you think I'm cute you should see my Mummy, written on the front.

FADE

FADE UP

Magda
Good Lord, we've been here nearly two hours, better get going, right now where are they?

Carla
Who?

Magda
The babies.

Carla
Oh, do you know I almost forgot I had a child.

Magda
Me too, marvellous place this, really must come more often.

FX Tannoy (Furious)
Could the parents or carers of these two lost sobbing obviously grossly neglected babies please come to reception .

Magda
Tut, tut, some people

Carla
I know, just shouldn't be allowed to have children, right lets go.



Bad Mums discussing sleeping problems.



Magda
Oh Carla, I'm having terrible trouble with Arabella. She just won't sleep, waking up on the hour every hour, it's driving me mad.

Carla
Oh no, is it her teeth?

Magda
Could be, bloody waste of time, all that bother and they'll only fall out one day.

Carla
Have you tried Lavender and camomile baths.

Magda
Yes, but I came up in a nasty red rash.

Carla
Not you, for Arabella.

Magda
Oh really, ok then, I'm up for anything, Geoffrey had to physically restrain me from giving her my prescription sedatives the other night.

Carla
I'm not surprised, if you run out too soon they're very hard to get again , doctors start asking all sorts of personal questions.


Magda
I'm at my wits end. 3am yesterday morning, wide awake. I took her into the living room to watch a video of those wretched Teletubby things she's so fond of.

Carla
Did that work?

Magda
Well yes I was out like a light until I heard the crash.

Carla
What crash?

Magda
Oh just Arabella knocking my gin and tonic off the table.

Carla
Have you asked the professionals?

Magda
Oh yes, so called. The heath visitor told me to let her cry, can you believe it?

Carla
Tut, tut, they don't know anything.

Magda
I said to her, excuse me, but I was in advertising for 18 years, when my company merged , I was transferred to Tokyo for six months.

Carla
It drives me mad, look at them, half our age and always there, at the ready with so called advice, what do they know.

Magda
Nothing, absolutely nothing, but this sleep deprivation is really taking its toll on our marriage, between you and me, Geoffrey's been in the spare room every night for the past few weeks.


Carla
Oh no.

Magda
Fraid so, and only yesterday I caught him with a stash of magazines, if you know what I mean.

Carla
You don't mean....

Magda
Yes, terrible, he's signed up for a subscription of Mother and Baby.

Carla
No.

Magda
Yes damn it! Now he's gong to expect me to do everything properly by the book, he's constantly looking over my shoulder and I know it can't be my boobs he wants to see, because I haven't got any left.

Carla
It's funny they don't put out a Father and Baby magazine isn't it?

Magda
Mmm, that's because men don't know what's it's like to be perpetually exhausted and bored rigid and feel nausues all the time and have some slobbering wet mouth chewing constantly at your nipples until you feel like a great jersey cow.

Carla
Mmm, and that's just the conception.