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Groundlings

by tusker 

Posted: 19 November 2009
Word Count: 262
Summary: For the animal challenge: sorry couldn't make it longer


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You can smell them from over a hundred miles away. You can hear the power of their talon shaped feet pound upon the terrain. The earth shakes under their relentless passage and, as you listen, your legs tremble in fear of their evil intent.

From our vantage point, we stand high upon a rocky mountain top; the only place they’re unable to reach. From the entrances of our caves, we watch a mass of black, hairy bodies gathering on the horizon; a mass that blocks out the light from a new day’s sun. Inside those huge hairy heads, keen minds assess the countryside that hunger forces them to cross. Every tree crumples like dry sticks under their stampede and as the Groundlings charge, all creatures and plants are swallowed up in their relentless pursuit for sustenance.

Soon, they will be passing us by. As they pass, they will look up, their large red eyes glinting like angry beacons. They will bellow at us as they hurtle southwards, sending up huge droplets of saliva from large, gaping mouths. For many hours after their passing, we stay in our caves to avoid their flesh eating viscous. We cover our faces with soft leather to smother the stench of death and decay that they leave behind.

Then as the herd of millions disappear into the twilight, our world falls silent once more. Below us, tall mounds of faeces stand erect on churned dust. When the moon rises again, the Groundlings will be deep under ground to sleep for another one thousand and twenty five days.







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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 11:44 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Wow. This is dark and deep.

So the humans or whatever they are, have a couple of years or so between visitations. A bit like the Biblical plagues of Locusts. Doesn't sound as though these creatures leave much though. Existence in this world must be precarious indeed.

Powerful stuff BWS perhaps?

Thanks for the read.

Best

John

Bunbry at 12:48 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Good for the roses though, Jennifer!!

This is very vivid, I really enjoyed this strange tale and could clearly picture the scene - very good stuff!

Nick

Dreamer at 12:58 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Very good Jennifer.
No nits other than the repetition of huge in one sentence.

B.

tusker at 15:13 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks John,

Glad you liked it. Yes, it's another world somewhere in space.

Jennifer

tusker at 15:14 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nick.

My late aunt would've caught the next shuttle trying to bring home all that manure.

Jennifer

tusker at 15:15 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Brian.

Will change the huge.

Jennifer



Longhand at 15:28 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
That made me shiver! Good stuff. I can really feel myself there.

I hope you don't mind if I make a couple of suggestions:

From our vantage point, we stand high upon a rocky mountain top; the only place they’re unable to reach. From the entrances of our caves...


We stand high upon a rocky mountain top; the only place they’re unable to reach. From our vantage point by the entrances of our caves..., and

Soon, they will be passing us by. As they pass, they will look up...


Soon, they will pass us by. As they do they will look up...

Just to smooth it out and tighten it up even more.

For many hours after their passing, we stay in our caves to avoid their flesh eating viscous


Missing a word here?

One image really stood out for me:

tall mounds of faeces stand erect on churned dust


Genius. Perfect. Grim.

Forbes at 16:51 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Bleak and well told. Very... shiversome! I get a string sense of helplessness and despair from this, and it is sparsely told.

Well done Jennifer. BwS?

Avis

<Added>

...or even a strong sense....

tusker at 17:50 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Avis.

String is fine, it elongates the comment which is nice.

Jennifer

tusker at 17:53 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Anthony.

Glad you throught it grim. It's a phase I'm going through. The others are aware of these phases and stand well back.

Will take on board your suggestions.

Jennifer

librarygirl at 22:21 on 19 November 2009  Report this post
Wow.

Powerful story and I must confess I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments too!

I’m not sure that I’m sold on the ‘tall mounds of faeces’ - it sort of pulled me out of the story and the atmosphere. I’d rather read about blood and bones than faeces who wouldn’t!?!

I liked the ending with them going underground for another one thousand and twenty five days. – This is a very tidy and tight piece of writing.

Liz



M. Close at 01:51 on 20 November 2009  Report this post
Very 'otherworldly' and quite a gripping piece of writing.
So much of a story told in very few words...would love to read more of this world and what it is like there.

I also thought you might be missing a word at the end of 'flesh eating viscous', but the more I read it, the more I wondered if 'flesh eating viscous' was all that was needed to convey the idea.

Really liked it.

Mike

tusker at 14:41 on 20 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Liz, glad you enjoyed.

They didn't leave any bones/blood as they ate their prey/plants whole as they ran so only the faeces remained.

Jennifer



tusker at 14:42 on 20 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Mike. Glad you liked it.

Jennifer

CharlieMac at 22:43 on 21 November 2009  Report this post
Dunno about anyone else, but I'm staying in my cave a bit longer...

Loved the read Jennifer, very dark. I felt the fear.

Charlotte

tusker at 08:09 on 22 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Charlotte.

You can come out now, they've gone.

Jennifer

crowspark at 08:32 on 22 November 2009  Report this post
Great stuff, Jennifer! Of course, I would always tend to edit down rather than up

fex

You can hear the power of their talon shaped feet pound upon the terrain.

You can hear the pound of their talon shaped feet upon the terrain.


Faster?

Love the twist!

Thanks for the read. Bill

tusker at 10:21 on 22 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks Bill.

I agree, didn't need the pound.

Jennifer


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