The Very Merry Widow and her Miserable Daughter 2


Gail (On Phone)
Hello mum, it's me, Gail.

Jean
Oh hello dear can't chat for long I've a leg waxing appointment this afternoon.

Gail
Leg waxing; mum at your age, what's the point?

Jean
Tut, tut with an attitude like that is it any wonder your Philip had an affair with his secretary.

Gail
Mum please.


Jean
He went for someone younger didn't he? Less demanding, someone who made lemon meringue pie, that's how I kept your father, every day he'd come home to a spotless house and me, slipping into my suspenders whilst the meringue browned on top.




Gail
Mum, don't be so horrid.



Jean
Well I'm sorry dear, but one shouldn't let oneself go, just because one's recently attained widow status. Now what can I do for you dear?


Gail
We were wondering if you fancied coming over this Sunday for lunch, nothing fancy just a roast and Philip's promised to do his Pineapple and chocolate sauce pudding.

Jean
This Sunday, no sorry dear, Joan and I are doing a sponsored abseil down the village clock tower, it's all for a good cause, raising money for women over sixty who really want botox but can't afford it, how about sponsoring me, a fiver should do the trick.

Gail
Well what about the following Sunday, we haven't shown you our photos yet from our trip around the London Eye yet, they're ever so interesting, apart from the fog but then that's all part of the experience..


Jean
No can do, Salvador wants me to meet his family.

Gail
Who’s Salvador?

Jean
My fitness instructor, I'm sure I told you all about him, South American, 29, body to die for.


Gail
But why does he want you to meet his parents?


Jean
Oh it's traditional apparently, they have to approve of the bride.


Gail
What bride?

Jean
Didn't I tell you? Salvador and I are getting married, I'm sure I told you; I was going to ask you to be my maid of honor.



Gail
Maid of honor?

Jean
Well let’s face it; you're a bit old in the tooth to be a bridesmaid. We're planning a Valentines Day wedding, very romantic. I chose that day especially because I knew you wouldn’t have any other plans.


Gail
Isn't all this a bit sudden Mum, I mean it's barely a year since dad passed away and there's an awfully big age gap between you and this Salvador.

Jean
You can't hang around when you get to my age dear, besides Tallulah Carter has her eye on him and you know what she's like, hateful old bat, he told me she's been sending him her underwear anonymously through the post.

Gail
If it’s anonymous how does he know its her?

Jean
Come on Gail, how many pairs of size 43 British home Stores navy bloomers are there in one village.




Gail
But mum, really at your age, don't you think this is all a bit ridiculous?

Jean
It could be worse, at least I haven't discovered any images of religious icons cleverly disguised as root vegetables. Iris Langtry swore she saw the Virgin Mary in a tin of baked beans, I said no, Iris, that is not the Madonna that is mould.


Gail
But really mum, getting married, I'm speechless?



Jean
You would be if you were Beryl Norwood’s daughter, went on holiday to Kenya came back with a Massai warrior. They've set up home in a mud hut in her garden and their lovely post war semi with conservatory has been squatted by students. Anyway I'm only joking.

Gail
Oh mum, how could you, you really got me going then.


Jean
We're never getting married, ruins your sex life, must dash, I've got a wind surfing lesson bye.

Gail
(Exasperated grunt)


The End