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Escape
Posted: 08 November 2009
Word Count: 111
Summary: written by me over twenty years ago, I always did have a good imagination.
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Go where I want to go in my head
be who I want to be in my head
see who I want to see, be with who
I want to be with, do just what I want to do
In my head. Oceans to sail across in my
head, salt air and seagulls in my head
new lands to seek out monsters that freak out,
all in my head.
Space men and rockets in my head,
words that annoy me in my head,
fathers and mothers
and even my lovers
all in my head!
Go where I want to go in my head, be who I want to be!
T Morgan.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 20:03 on 11 November 2009
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This is a bold idea, to build a poem around the repeated phrase ‘in my head’. You’ve varied the placing of the phrase to put it at the beginning and middle of lines as well as at the end, and this helps to avoid monotony. I think the recurrence of the phrase is basically a good idea, but I feel that a slightly longer break from it would soften the poem a little. For example, where you write about
Oceans to sail across in my
head, salt air and seagulls in my head |
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I could imagine at least three new lines following these, about where this sea voyage might lead you - the far North, perhaps, with icebergs, polar bears and Inuit villages; or Pacific islands possibly. I think I’d go ‘in my head’ to Easter Island (Rapa Nui) and contemplate those inscrutable faces; or Galapagos maybe. All I’m saying is that a slightly longer passage somewhere in the middle of the poem, without the words ‘in my head’ would actually make the poem more effective. Your reader would imaginatively enjoy some exotic place, and then return to the idea that it’s all possible ‘in my head’.
I feel too - though I'm not certain about this - that the last line could stand without the phrase ‘in my head’. ‘Go where I want to go, be who I want to be!’
The ‘message’ or point of the poem is one we can all recognise: in our own consciousness, in our imagination, we are free and there’s no limit to what we can do or where we can go. At the same time, when we say something like this we recognise our limitations - sadly, there are many things I can do in my head that I can’t do in reality.
The literary term for what you do in this poem is ‘incantatory verse’ - a poem which is built around an often-repeated word or phrase. Or sometimes it can be a whole line that’s repeated, like the chorus of a song. It’s an idea with a lot of potential!
James.
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 Tmog at 11:02 on 12 November 2009
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Thank you James I do think your version of the last line gives it more strength and yes it could be extended. I will give it some more thought.
Thanks Tony
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Arian at 18:05 on 12 November 2009
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Hello Tony. My reaction was quite similar to James' (before I'd read his comment) - that (a) you probably don't need to use the repeated phrase quite so often to make the piece effective, and (b) you've stuck to generalisations in saying what you'd like to do in your head - perhaps use some specific and exotic locations to make the poem more personal.
But an interesting idea - it's not far from being a nice piece, in my view. Another, closely-related, form of verse to this is called anaphoric - though, here, the repeated phrase tends to come at the beginning of the line.
Cheers
peter
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SarahT at 21:55 on 18 November 2009
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Hi Tony,
I'd be interested in seeing any rewrite you do of this poem because I'm not entirely sure I agreed with the others about the over-repetition, although that could just be short-sightedness on my part. I liked the poem as it stood. I particularly liked the rhyme in the following:| new lands to seek out monsters that freak out, |
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I really related to the central theme so I think this may be one of my favourites so far!
S
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