|
|
 |
Haiku
Posted: 08 November 2009
Word Count: 33
Summary: Going to water - 1st attempt
|
Font Size
|
|
I went wandering in dissolved heat
weary
in straw hat.
Shadows rested on steely light
skimming green pools of
water.
Clotted lilies close rippled
surfaces creasing
water.
Itching grasshoppers cast
dusty memory
afloat.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Beanie Baby at 21:09 on 08 November 2009
 Report this post
|
Hello Patrick.
I'm Beanie Baby, pleased to make your acquaintance. I like this little sequence of haiku, too, and haiku, as my most favouite form of poem ever, ever, EVER lends itself very well to this kind of scene-setting and building. My only comment would be that the middle two both end with the word 'water'; not that there is anything at all wrong with that, I hasten to add. I think my inclination would have been to put them a haiku apart - so that you have a bit more of a pattern; ie the last word of each one appearing in this order:hat, water, afloat, water. Still that's a matter of personal taste; as they stand I love them, and I'd be interested in seeing more.
Best wishes.
Beanie.
| |
Alan Summers at 23:56 on 08 November 2009
Report this post
|
Hi Patrick,
I would have to agree with Beanie.
Although you are using a "tightness of image" from haiku, rather than a haiku sequence, if you can think more on the lines of renga, more than a sequence of haiku, it might help to avoid backlinking.
I like aspects of your language, though I feel it is missing a concluding stanza.
Can you tell us if the poem is part biographical or is all imagination, and either way, where is the character 'going'?
Alan
| |
 nickb at 22:14 on 24 November 2009
Report this post
|
Hi Patrick,
particularly liked the last one
Itching grasshoppers cast
dusty memory
afloat. |
|
Really good.
N
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
