MUDMEN TAKE LONDON

FADE IN:

INT. MODERN FLAT – DAY

LEX – MID 30S, TRENDY, CAMP – PERCHES ON ON A SWISH CHAIR IN AN ULTRA-MODERN LONDON APARTMENT, STARING IN HORROR AT AN (OOV) TV.

LEX:

Quentin! Come quickly! Quentin!

ANOTHER, SIMILAR, MAN - QUENTIN - APPEARS AT THE DOOR. HE IS WEARING A FRILLY APRON AND HIS HANDS ARE COVERED IN FLOUR.

LEX GESTURES FRANTICALLY AT THE SCREEN.

CLOSE-UP ON TV:

INT. NEWSROOM – DAY:

A NEWSREADER STARES GRAVELY AHEAD.

NEWSREADER:

As heavy downpours continued in the capital today, the river Thames recorded its highest level since records began more than two hundred years ago…

QUENTIN AND LEX RUSH TO THEIR APARTMENT WINDOW.

EXT. FLAT – DAY:

THE THAMES IS LAPPING INCHES BELOW THE FLAT WINDOW.
QUENTIN AND LEX ARE STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW IN HORROR.

LEX:

Quentin! Do something!

INT. FLAT – DAY

QUENTIN IS RIFLING FRANTICALLY THROUGH THE CONTENTS OF A CUPBOARD.

HE THROWS POTENTIALLY USEFUL ITEMS LIKE MOPS, DUCT TAPE AND TOWELS OVER HIS SHOULDER.

QUENTIN:

I’ve got it!

LEX RUSHES INTO VIEW.

LEX:

Oh, thank goodness!

QUENTIN TAKES A PILL FROM A SMALL BOX AND HANDS ONE TO LEX. THEY BOTH SWALLOW.

INT. FLAT – LATER

LEX AND QUENTIN ARE SPRAWLED OVER THEIR FURNITURE, SIGHING IN DREAMY RELIEF.

EXT. FLAT – DAY

THE WATER LEVEL HAS RISEN NEARER THE WINDOW. THE RAIN STILL FALLS.

INT. TAXI – NIGHT

TWO TEENAGE GIRLS – KELL AND TASH – SIT ON THE BACK SEAT CAREFULLY APPLYING GAUDY LIPSTICK. THEY ARE DRESSED IN MICRO SKIRTS AND THEIR BREASTS THREATEN TO SPILL OUT OF THEIR SKIMPY TOPS.

KELL:

Know what I fancy tonight, Tash?

TASH:

What do you fancy tonight, Kell?

KELL:

I fancy a footballer tonight, Tash.

TASH:

Know what I fancy tonight, Kell?

KELL:

What do you fancy tonight, Tash?

TASH:

I fancy something dark and dirty.

KELL/TASH:

(SHOUTING) And loaded!

THE GIRLS WHOOP WITH LAUGHTER AND LEAP OUT OF THE CAB.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

THE GIRLS DIVE STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE OF A CHIC LONDON NIGHTSPOT. THE DOORMAN – WEARING OUTLANDISHLY “WITH-IT” CLOTHES – STOPS THE QUEUERS AND WAVES THE GIRLS PAST.

EXT. LONDON STREET – NIGHT

THE THAMES STARTS TO OVERFLOW.

A RED DOUBLE-DECKER BUS SPLASHES THROUGH A PUDDLE. THE PUDDLE REFORMS INTO A MUD MAN.

INT. SHOP DOORWAY – NIGHT

TWO WINOS ARE SHARING A BOTTLE OF STRONG BOOZE.
ONE TAKES A GIANT SWIG AND STOPS AND STARES. THE OTHER IS TRYING TO GRAB THE BOTTLE BACK.

WINO ONE:

A mud man!

WINO TWO:

Shut up and give me the bottle. I had a feeling paint stripper was a step too far.

THE WINOS ARE CAST IN SHADOW. WINO TWO LOOKS UP IN HORROR.

EXT. LONDON STREET – NIGHT

A MUD MAN PLODS DOWN THE STREET.

BEHIND HIM IN THE SHOP DOORWAY, THE BOTTLE OF PAINT STRIPPER ROLLS AROUND. THE WINOS HAVE VANISHED.

INT. FLAT – NIGHT

LEX BLINKS OPEN HIS EYES TO SEE THE FIRST DROPS OF WATER SEEPING THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE NOTICES QUENTIN, STANDING ON A CHAIR, PLACING VALUABLES ON TOP OF A CUPBOARD.

LEX SPRINGS TO HIS FEET IN PANIC.

LEX:

For God’s sake, Quentin! Save the foccacia!

INT. HOUSE – NIGHT

A TEENAGE BOY IS SLUMPED ON A SOFA IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION, SOBBING, HANDS COVERING HIS FACE.

CLOSE-UP ON TV:

INT. NEWSROOM – NIGHT

NEWSREADER:

Five people are already reported missing as the capital braces itself for the biggest flood in history. What more can you tell us, Roger?

CUT TO:

EXT. THAMES-SIDE – NIGHT

REPORTER ROGER STANDS PELTED BY THE RAIN WITH THE THAMES BARRIER IN THE BACKGROUND.

ROGER:

What I can tell you Raymond is that the situation has become so bad that there is concern about whether this barrier will hold if water levels continue to…

AS ROGER SPEAKS, A MUD MAN EMERGES FROM THE RIVER BEHIND HIM AND SWALLOWS HIM WHOLE.

THE THAMES BARRIER BURSTS.

CUT TO:

INT. NEWSROOM – NIGHT

THE NEWSREADER STARES, COMPLETELY NUMB, AT THE SCREEN.

INT. HOUSE – NIGHT

THE TEENAGE BOY SLOWLY TAKES HIS HANDS FROM HIS FACE. WE REALISE HE IS BARRY – WHO LOST HIS GIRLFRIEND TO THE MUD MEN IN EPISODE ONE.

BARRY JUMPS TO HIS FEET AND RACES OUT OF THE DOOR.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

THE DOORMAN HAS STOPPED A GUY AT THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE WEARING JEANS AND A SHIRT.

DOORMAN:

This isn’t any old club, son. Do you really think I’m going to let you in wearing commoners’ garb like that?

A MUD MAN APPEARS. THE BOUNCER TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM, HESITATES, THEN URGENTLY UNCLIPS HIS ROPE AND WAVES THE MUD MAN INTO HIS CLUB.

THE BOUNCER WATCHES THE MUD MAN DISAPPEAR INSIDE IN AWE.

DOORMAN:

Now THAT’s what I call cutting-edge…

INT. FLAT – NIGHT

LEX AND QUENTIN ARE STILL PERCHING ON CHAIRS FRANTICALLY TRYING TO SAVE THINGS.

FINALLY ENOUGH WATER GUSHES THROUGH THE WINDOW TO FORM INTO A MUD MAN. LEX AND QUENTIN FREEZE AND THERE IS A BRIEF STAND-OFF.

QUENTIN:

Ooh.

LEX FUMBLES ON TOP OF HIS CUPBOARD THEN WIELDS THE FOCCACIA WILDLY.

LEX:

Go on! Shoo!

THE MUD MAN TURNS BACK TO THE WINDOW SADLY.

LEX:

Not you!

LEX JABS THE FOCCACIA TOWARDS QUENTIN. QUENTIN, SHOCKED, FENDS HIM OFF.

THE MUD MAN STANDS BY AS LEX DROPS THE FOCCACIA AND BRAWLS WITH QUENTIN ALL THE WAY TO THE WINDOW. THEY CRASH THROUGH IT.

EXT. FLAT - NIGHT

THE THAMES BUBBLES. THE MUD MAN WATCHES FROM THE WINDOW.

INT. FLAT - NIGHT

THE MUD MAN SHRUGS, SITS IN A CHAIR, FLICKS ON THE TV, PUTS HIS FEET UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE, PICKS UP THE FOCCACIA, HAS A GOOD LOOK, THEN THROWS IT OUT OF THE WINDOW.

EXT. ROAD – NIGHT

A TAXI CONTAINING BARRY REACHES THE EDGE OF LONDON.

INT. TAXI – NIGHT

DRIVER:

This is far as I go, son.

BARRY WRESTLES THE DRIVER OUT OF THE TAXI DOOR AND SPEEDS OFF INTO THE WATERY WASTELAND.

INT. NEWSROOM – NIGHT (ON TV)

A MUD MAN SITS SHUFFLING PAPERS WHERE THE NEWSREADER ONCE WAS.

INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

KELL IS GETTING TO GRIPS WITH A VACANT YOUNG PLAYBOY AT THE BAR.

TASH EMERGES FROM THE MEN’S TOILETS REBUTTONING HER BLOUSE. SHE LOOKS DISDAINFULLY OVER HER SHOULDER.

TASH:

(SHOUTS) I don’t DO Queen’s Park Rangers. (MUMBLES) Flipping amateurs.

TASH IS STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY THE SIGHT OF THE MUD MAN.

TASH:

Well hello.

TASH RE-UNBUTTONS HER BLOUSE BUTTON. SHE LICKS HER LIPS AND BACK-TRACKS TOWARDS THE TOILETS, BECKONING THE MUD MAN TO FOLLOW.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE OF FAMOUS LONDON LANDMARKS FULL OF MUD MEN:
HOUSE OF COMMONS; TOWER OF LONDON; ARSENAL FOOTBALL STADIUM; LONDON EYE.

EXT. THAMES – NIGHT

BARRY IS FRANTICALLY RUNNING ALONG THE BANKS OF THE THAMES, IGNORING ALL THE MUD MEN, STARING INTO THE WATER.

BARRY:

(SHOUTING): Tammy! Tammy! Where have they taken you! Tammy!

INT. NIGHTCLUB TOILET – NIGHT

FOCUS ON A CLOSED CUBICLE DOOR. WE HEAR PLENTY OF SLURPING AND SLOPPING. THE TOILET DOOR BANGS RHYTHMICALLY.

TASH (OC):

Ooh, you are a kinky boy. Ooh, stop it. Hey, I thought I said… what the…

THERE IS A BIG SPLOSHING SOUND. MUD POURS OUT FROM UNDER
THE DOOR. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

THE CUBICLE IS EMPTY, SAVE TASH’S BRA, HANGING LIMPING
FROM THE CISTERN.

EXT. THAMES – NIGHT

BARRY REALISES HE HAS BEEN TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY MUD MEN. THEY ARE SLOWLY CLOSING IN ON HIM.

BARRY LOOKS UP AND NOTICES A GAP IN THE CLOUDS.

THE FIRST MUD MAN IS JUST ABOUT TO GRAB HIM WHEN THE SUN COMES OUT AND BARRY IS ABLE TO DEFLECT ITS BEAM FROM HIS WATCH TOWARDS THE MUD MAN, WHICH DISSOLVES.

BARRY EXCITEDLY STARTS ZAPPING THE OTHER MUD MEN.

BARRY:

Yeah! Take that! And that! I’ll save you Tam! Where is she? Tell me where my girlfriend is or your friend gets it!

JUST WHEN IT SEEMS BARRY IS WINNING, WE NOTICE THAT HE IS STEPPING BACKWARDS, CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE THAMES.

BARRY:

I warned you…

BARRY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE THAMES. THE THAMES BUBBLES.

THE REMAINING MUD MEN PEER OVER THE EDGE OF THE THAMES, SHRUG, HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER. AND PLOD OFF ALONG THE BANKS.
THE RAIN STILL FALLS.

FADE TO BROWN.

END.