Halloween nightmare
Posted: 01 November 2009 Word Count: 200 Summary: something for the kids to capture the spirit and imagination of Halloween; probably needs a bit of tweeking but thought you might like it before the moment passes
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Once upon a moonlit night On a ruined building site, a grey and waxen apparition I gazed upon its ghostly sight through the louvered window shutters icy cold in rooms and halls bloodless corpselike spooks did gather for their spooky ghostly ball Seahags, witches, ghosts and trolls, werewolves, pixies, gnomes and elves danced in fiery frenzied Fashion, danced with ghostly eerie passion and in the graveyard ground mist swirling soldiers from the past Unfurling banners, flags, of every nation joined in eerie celebration and in that ghostly English mansion long deserted Rooms and halls where spooks and spectres there did gather for their spooky ghostly ball. headless horseman and their valets vampires, zombies, freaks and all came together for this party through the sun baked dry dust walls and in the curtain cobwebbed ballroom was a most horrendous scene above the wind And wailing banshee was heard the murderous childhood scream! and from the deep and darkened dungeon spirits rose throughout the night and danced alone or with each other in a most amusing sight And in that midnight strange collection unaware what I had seen but with some thought's of recollection, I awoke from my nightmare dream!
T Morgan
Comments by other Members
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Joella at 17:28 on 01 November 2009
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Hi Tony, I really like this - full of vibrant imagery. However, for me, it's too cluttered, which detracts from the enjoyment of the piece. Can I be so bold, as to suggest that you unravel it a bit. How about....
Once upon a moonlit night
on a ruined (building)site
a grey and waxen apparition,
I gazed upon its ghostly site. (sight ?)
And through the louvered window shutters
icy cold in rooms and halls
bloodless corpselike spooks did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball.
Sea hags witches, ghosts and trolls
werewolf’s, pixie’s, gnomes and elf’s
danced in fiery frenzied fashion
danced with ghostly eerie passion.
And in the graveyard ground mist swirling
soldiers from the past Unfurling
banners, flags, of every nation
joined in eerie celebration.
And in that ghostly English mansion,
long deserted Rooms and halls
where spooks and specters there did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball.
Headless horseman and their valets
vampires, zombies, freaks and all
came together for this party
through the sun baked dry dust walls.
And in the curtain cobwebbed ballroom
was a most horrendous scene
above the wind and wailing banshee
was heard the murderous childhood scream!
And from the deep and darkened dungeon
spirits rose throughout the night
they danced alone or with each other
in a most amusing sight.
And in that midnight strange collection
unaware what I had seen
but with some thought's of recollection.
I awoke from my nightmare dream!
I'm no expert, but I think it's more fluent like this. Only my opinion, of course!. Removing the comas from the ends of lines, helps the flow. A really GREAT poem. Hope this helps, Joella.
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Arian at 21:29 on 01 November 2009
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Hi there
I agree with Joella – this has some nice imagery, but (for me) the prose-poem format doesn’t show it in its best light. Personally, I’d break it up, in the way that joella suggests (though you need to decide your own line breaks).
It’s worth sorting out the literals, too – spelling errors, errant capitals, incorrect possessives etc.
All the best
peter
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Tmog at 21:45 on 01 November 2009
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Ok it needs a lot of tweaking, regards the format, afraid i cut and pasted it from my word doc and that is how it came out on ww. still not to worry i will correct it soon, including spelling. But thanks for all comments Tony
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NicciF at 09:30 on 02 November 2009
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Hi Tony
There are some lovely ghostly ghoulish images in here.
danced with ghostly eerie passion. And in the graveyard ground mist swirling |
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and
above the wind And wailing banshee was heard the murderous childhood scream |
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caught my attention in particular.
At little editing and tweaking and you'll end up with a lovely piece that captures the spirit of Halloween.
Once I'd got past the formatting problem of a cut and past job from word it was a very enjoyable read.
Nicci
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Tmog at 10:13 on 02 November 2009
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Hi I have made some changes to halloween nightmare, still not happy with it though so will go back to it at some time but thanks everyone who commented
Tony
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