Login   Sign Up 



 

Halloween nightmare

by Tmog 

Posted: 01 November 2009
Word Count: 200
Summary: something for the kids to capture the spirit and imagination of Halloween; probably needs a bit of tweeking but thought you might like it before the moment passes


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Once upon a moonlit night
On a ruined building site,
a grey and waxen apparition
I gazed upon its ghostly sight
through the louvered window
shutters icy cold in rooms and halls
bloodless corpselike spooks did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball
Seahags, witches, ghosts and trolls,
werewolves, pixies, gnomes and elves
danced in fiery frenzied Fashion,
danced with ghostly eerie passion
and in the graveyard ground mist swirling
soldiers from the past Unfurling
banners, flags, of every nation
joined in eerie celebration
and in that ghostly English mansion
long deserted Rooms and halls
where spooks and spectres there did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball.
headless horseman and their valets
vampires, zombies, freaks and all
came together for this party
through the sun baked dry dust walls
and in the curtain cobwebbed ballroom
was a most horrendous scene
above the wind And wailing banshee
was heard the murderous childhood scream!
and from the deep and darkened dungeon
spirits rose throughout the night
and danced alone or with each other
in a most amusing sight
And in that midnight strange collection
unaware what I had seen but with some thought's of recollection, I awoke from my nightmare dream!

T Morgan






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Joella at 17:28 on 01 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Tony, I really like this - full of vibrant imagery. However, for me, it's too cluttered, which detracts from the enjoyment of the piece. Can I be so bold, as to suggest that you unravel it a bit. How about....

Once upon a moonlit night
on a ruined (building)site
a grey and waxen apparition,
I gazed upon its ghostly site. (sight ?)
And through the louvered window shutters
icy cold in rooms and halls
bloodless corpselike spooks did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball.
Sea hags witches, ghosts and trolls
werewolf’s, pixie’s, gnomes and elf’s
danced in fiery frenzied fashion
danced with ghostly eerie passion.
And in the graveyard ground mist swirling
soldiers from the past Unfurling
banners, flags, of every nation
joined in eerie celebration.
And in that ghostly English mansion,
long deserted Rooms and halls
where spooks and specters there did gather
for their spooky ghostly ball.
Headless horseman and their valets
vampires, zombies, freaks and all
came together for this party
through the sun baked dry dust walls.
And in the curtain cobwebbed ballroom
was a most horrendous scene
above the wind and wailing banshee
was heard the murderous childhood scream!
And from the deep and darkened dungeon
spirits rose throughout the night
they danced alone or with each other
in a most amusing sight.
And in that midnight strange collection
unaware what I had seen
but with some thought's of recollection.
I awoke from my nightmare dream!


I'm no expert, but I think it's more fluent like this. Only my opinion, of course!. Removing the comas from the ends of lines, helps the flow. A really GREAT poem. Hope this helps, Joella.





Arian at 21:29 on 01 November 2009  Report this post
Hi there
I agree with Joella – this has some nice imagery, but (for me) the prose-poem format doesn’t show it in its best light. Personally, I’d break it up, in the way that joella suggests (though you need to decide your own line breaks).

It’s worth sorting out the literals, too – spelling errors, errant capitals, incorrect possessives etc.

All the best
peter


Tmog at 21:45 on 01 November 2009  Report this post
Ok it needs a lot of tweaking, regards the format, afraid i cut and pasted it from my word doc and that is how it came out on ww. still not to worry i will correct it soon, including spelling. But thanks for all comments Tony

NicciF at 09:30 on 02 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Tony

There are some lovely ghostly ghoulish images in here.

danced with ghostly eerie passion. And in the graveyard ground mist swirling

and
above the wind And wailing banshee was heard the murderous childhood scream

caught my attention in particular.

At little editing and tweaking and you'll end up with a lovely piece that captures the spirit of Halloween.

Once I'd got past the formatting problem of a cut and past job from word it was a very enjoyable read.

Nicci

Tmog at 10:13 on 02 November 2009  Report this post
Hi I have made some changes to halloween nightmare, still not happy with it though so will go back to it at some time but thanks everyone who commented

Tony


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .