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ALLS HALLOW EVE (revised)

by Joella 

Posted: 30 October 2009
Word Count: 274
Summary: Halloween poem from Happy Bottom. I'd appreciate your comments on this revised edition of the poem.


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ALLS HALLOW EVE

This is a Halloween poem from Happy Bottom.

* I'd appreciate comments to help me improve this.

Bob lamb from Rams Bottom Farm
was trying to give up the beer
Made it a New Year’s resolution
Year, after Year, after Year.

Then ...

One night, leaving ‘The Piddle,’ pub
mind and senses swilling
He planned to walk the homeward road
But wobbly legs weren’t willing.

Along a foot path, down the lane
past three silver birch
Needing then to rest a while
sought sanctuary in the church.

The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you’d best believe
Into graveyard, ventured forth
on this - ‘All Hallows Eve’!

Stars and moon shone in the sky
as he walked without a fear
But that would change, as all things strange
tiptoed ever near...

The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent
And with spirit night in full flight
this soon would be apparent.

Zombies , ghosts and ghastly ghouls
this hour compelled to waken
feast their sights upon poor Bob
who in his shoes was shakin’.

The foulest stench was in the air
as spectres gathered round
Bob opened wide his mouth to scream
but failed to make a sound.

Spirits rose from every tomb
for Bob it was no ‘thriller’
He ran but fell beside a grave
aware that they came hither.

Hiding eyes, with pounding heart
body a quivering jelly
Shadow stood by, doom was nigh
when something prodded his belly.

“Drinking again?” the Vicar scorned
“In God's name, you must stop.”
And from that day to this, as long as he lived
Bob never touched a drop!








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Comments by other Members



NicciF at 14:50 on 30 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella

A lovely piece again. Full of wonderful images that your illustrator will have great fun with. There is so much to work with.

One night, leaving ‘The Piddle,’ pub
mind and senses swilling
He planned to walk the homeward road
But wobbly legs weren’t willing.


I particularly like this - I'm sure both adults will relate to this and children will see the funny side of wobbly legs.

The foulest stench was in the air
as spectres gathered round
Bob opened wide his mouth to scream
but failed to make a sound.

I also think this works very well and an illustrator could have a field day.

It's got a good flowing rhythm which is easy to read. I'll need to study it a little more carefully just to check there's nothing gone slightly astray. Will get back to you with any more comments as they come.

Nicci





Joella at 14:56 on 30 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks, Nicci, I value your comments. Would you say better than original, or have I changed too much. What about ref 'thriller'? Okay, or not? It replaces verse I had too much trouble with. Regards, Joella.

<Added>

Nicci, I've altered the penultimate verse, as I don't thinK

'Footsteps came by, prayed not to die'

fits rhythmically. Couldn't think of alternative, then suddenly thought of 'shadow'. Better, or not? Could leave in 'prayed not to die,' instead of 'doom was nigh.' I'd appreciate your opinion. Also, verse where Bob goes into graveyard, you originally thought was a bit contrived:

'into graveyard he did go'

do you think -' into graveyard ventured forth' is an improvement?

Regards, Joella.


Freebird at 13:49 on 02 November 2009  Report this post
brilliant! This stuff is wasted on children

freebird

The Bar Stward at 13:54 on 02 November 2009  Report this post
I loved the way this rolled along, very jolly and very good! Are you planning to do anything with this? Excellent

belka37 at 08:25 on 03 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella,
I thought this was great Just wondered whether you you needed to insert a couple of additional pronouns. Inserting them doesn't seem to change the beat. I've bolded them so you can see what I mean.
viz.
Along a foot path, down the lane
past three silver birch
Needing then to rest a while
he sought sanctuary in the church.

The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you’d best believe
Into graveyard, he ventured forth
on this - ‘All Hallows Eve’!

Another spot that tripped me up in the reading is the line in bold in the verse below:


The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent
And with spirit night in full flight
this soon would be apparent.

I wondered if something like:
With shadowed spirits in full flight
would work.

Anyway, well done. This is a lovely Halloween piece. I love the image of the Vicar being the ghoul at the end

Mabel


Joella at 08:41 on 03 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Freebird, The Bar Stward and Mabel, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work. I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I've taken note of your suggestions Mabel. Does this verse flow better with 'And' removed?


The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent
With spirit night in full flight
this soon would be apparent.

Many thanks to you all, once again, Joella.

NicciF at 11:08 on 03 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella

I'd lik to come back to this now that you've made from changes. However, the brain is too full of other things to be able to cope with scrolling up and down my tiny laptop screen and working out what's been ameneded. Also this distrupts the wonderful flow that this piece has, which is making commenting harder.

Would you be able to cut and past the newest version into the comments?

Hope this isn't too much trouble.

Nicci
x

Joella at 12:05 on 03 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Nicci, revised poem is posted below. I have made a few changes, added comments and a few questions. Let me know if you think anything needs changing, or like it as it is. Thank you again, regards, Joella.


Bob lamb from Rams Bottom Farm
was trying to give up the beer
Made it a New Year’s resolution
Year, after Year, after Year.

Then ...

One night, leaving ‘The Piddle,’ pub
mind and senses swilling
He planned to walk the homeward road
But wobbly legs weren’t willing.

Along a foot path, down the lane
past three silver birch
Needing then to rest a while (How about - Bob needing then to rest a while ?)
sought sanctuary in the church.

The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you’d best believe
Into graveyard, ventured forth (better with ? Into the graveyard ventured forth )
on this - ‘All Hallows Eve’!

Stars and moon shone in the sky
as he walked without a fear
But that would change, as all things strange
tiptoed ever near...

The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent
And with spirit night in full flight
this soon would be apparent.

Zombies , ghosts and ghastly ghouls (was - Sceptors, ghosts and ghastly ghouls
this hour compelled to waken All were now awaken)
feast their sights upon poor Bob
who in his shoes was shakin’.

The foulest stench was in the air (was - Spooky sounds filled the air)
as spectres gathered round
Bob opened wide his mouth to scream
but failed to make a sound.

Spirits rose from every tomb (was verse which ended with Bob flat on face)
for Bob it was no ‘thriller’ (mention of 'thriller' okay?)
He ran but fell beside a grave
aware that they came hither. (hither ? okay?)

Hiding eyes, with pounding heart
body a quivering jelly
Shadow stood by, doom was nigh (was - Footsteps came by, prayed not to die)
when something prodded his belly.

“Drinking again?” the Vicar scorned (take out 'the'?)
“In God's name, you must stop.”
And from that day to this, as long as he lived (for as long as he lived ?)
Bob never touched a drop!



NicciF at 14:48 on 03 November 2009  Report this post
Joella

Thanks so much for doing this for my overworked (and underpaid) brain. This will be so much easier for me.

I've printed it off and will read over a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of homemade coffee and "nuts I'm not supposed to mention" cake. The weather is foul and I need inspiration.

Will comments later today or tomorrow am

Nicci the goldfish.
x


belka37 at 04:25 on 04 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella,
This poem really does tell a delightful tale. (Maybe you should send it to a 'Temperance League'publication.)
About the line you mentioned
With spirit night in full flight

Yes it is better with the 'And' removed but my concern was more with the internal rhyme of night/flight.
I don't want to be overly picky but the rhyme felt out of kilter with the rest of the poem. As a whole the poem flows freely but having the internal rhyme in this line seemed to break the flow. But maybe, that's just me.

Two small points (the first maybe my eyes!)The poem opens:
Bob lamb from Rams Bottom Farm

(1) Shouldn't Lamb have an uppercase "L". It looks like a lowercase "l" to me.
(2) The name 'Ramsbottom' is not uncommon. Do you particularly want it as 'Rams Bottom'.

Like a woman's work, editing is never done. At some point you make the judgement to stop.

All the best
Mabel

Joella at 08:07 on 04 November 2009  Report this post
Good morning Mabel. It seems you have picked up on a couple of overlooked points. You're right, of course about 'Lamb' and yes, Ramsbottom would be better. I'm still looking at the rhyme and I take your point. Thank you so much for coming back to this piece. Your help is much appreciated. This is one in a series from Happy Bottom and I'm glad you liked it. Regards, Joella.

NicciF at 09:19 on 11 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Joella

Sorry for the long delay in posting my comments - my notes got hidden under a pile of paperwork.

3rd stanza - I prefer "Bob needing then to rest a while"

4th stanza - I prefer "Into the graveyeard ventured forth"

6th stanza - I agree with Mabel's comment about the internet rhyme. How about something like

"The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent.
With roaming spirits in full flight
this soon would be apparent."


7th stanza - I prefer "All were now awaken" although "All now were awaken" might work slightly better.

8th stanza - "The foulest stench was in the air" works really well.

9th stanza - I don't have a problem with "thriller" or "hither"

10th stanza - "Shadow stood by, doom was nigh" workd well.

11th stanza - I think this works well as it is. So don't remove "the" from line 1 and don't add "for" into line 3.

This is now so near - it just needs a few little tweaks. Still love the images and think the illustrations to go with it will be wonderful.

Nicci



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